"Watch what she does" isn't enough (covert cluster b)

[jhonny9546]

How many of you have experienced this?

She was good and kind to everyone, even those in need, and she showed no contempt.

She was good at keeping house, managing meals, household chores, the kids, and everything else.

She was good in bed.

In short, she knew the saying "A full belly and empty balls" for her man.

And yet, she was the "classic good girl," meaning she was a covert Cluster B woman.

It was her kindness that actually masked the monster within.

How many of you have correctly screened a woman like that, but fallen for it because she truly had all the makings of a keeper, only to find out later that she turned out to be a monster?

Can we talk more about this topic? I think most women have this "inclination" to help, to appear available, especially when they are at home with their in-laws or relatives, but then, it's really a devil
How do you filter this type of women, even if it's very difficult?

 

[BaronOfHair]

How do you filter this type of women, even if it's very difficult?

It's actually NOT difficult, once one stops psychologizing the ever living piss out of everything*, instead asks himself a more blunt question:

"Is this person I'm currently less than thrilled with a monumental megac-nt, or someone who regularly brings light and joy to my existence? If the former... Well, the wisest course of action(Carve them out of my orbit, faster than Hollywood threw Weinstein under the bus, the minute Miramax's glory faded)is pretty self-evident"
Hold your lovers to similar/the exact same standards you hold ALL those you bring into your life to




*Yeah, I enjoy reading psych literature myself, even the material written for practicioners. Diagnosing everyone we encounter, as if we're shrinks and they're our clients, just makes things unduly complicated

 

[BackInTheGame78]

The signs were almost always there you just chose to ignore them because it didn't fit the perfect image you had already built in your head.

 

[sevbucmash]

She's not Cluster B. She's not covert Cluster B either. Cluster B are BPD, NPD, HPD, ASPD described in DSM-5. Dramatic, emotional, or erratic disorders.

You are describing a pattern in which she appears very accommodating, nurturing, and self-sacrificing, but later shows resentment, emotional volatility, passive-aggressive behavior, sudden withdrawal, anger that seems out of nowhere. This is not cluster B, this is simply inconsistent behavior, which can come from many normal human causes, such as burnout, unmet needs, masking discomfort to keep peace, people-pleasing habits, fear of conflict, cultural expectations, stress from family dynamics, poor communication skills. None of these equal a personality disorder.

Why was she perfect at first and then a change?

Many people — especially women raised in traditional or high‑expectation families — are taught to be agreeable, be helpful, avoid conflict, hide negative emotions, “perform” goodness in front of relatives. This creates a mask of competence and kindness. But masking is exhausting. Eventually the real emotions leak out. That shift can feel shocking if you didn’t see the early signs.

How do you filter for someone who seems perfect but later becomes difficult?

You don’t do it by diagnosing them.

You do it by watching for behavioral patterns that reveal emotional maturity.

1. Look for consistency, not performance. A stable person is:

1. similar in private and public
2. similar when stressed and relaxed
3. similar when they want something and when they don’t

If someone is overly perfect, overly helpful, overly sexual, overly agreeable — that’s not stability, that’s performance.

2. Pay attention to how they handle conflict. This is the biggest predictor of long‑term compatibility. Watch for:

1. silent treatment
2. emotional explosions
3. guilt‑tripping
4. blaming
5. “you made me feel this way”
6. inability to apologiz

These are red flags — not diagnoses, just signs of poor emotional regulation.

3. Look at how they talk about past relationships. If every ex was:

1. crazy
2. abusive
3. toxic
4. a narcissist
5. a monster

…that’s a pattern.

4. Notice how they behave when they don’t get their way. Kindness is easy when everything is smooth. Character shows when there’s disappointment.

5. Don’t be blinded by “wife material” traits. Cooking, cleaning, sex, politeness — these are skills, not indicators of emotional health. A person can be:

1. a great homemaker
2. a great lover
3. a great hostess
4. a great mother

…and still struggle with emotional regulation or communication.

 

[sevbucmash]

How did this move into Anything Else, I just remember reading it in Don Juan Discussion!

 

[jhonny9546]

The signs were almost always there, you simply chose to ignore them because they didn't match the perfect image you'd already built in your head.

That's exactly the point: whether you idealize or you psychoanalyze, you're at two extremes, and you have to find a middle ground. But the problem is that there will be times when you want to idealize and times when you psychoanalyze.

It's like a heartbeat, not a landline.



@sevbucmash

Your post sounds like it was written by ai, but

How do you filter for someone who seems perfect but later becomes difficult?

this part,

She's not Cluster B. She's not covert Cluster B either. Cluster B are BPD, NPD, HPD, ASPD described in DSM-5. Dramatic, emotional, or erratic disorders.

You are describing a pattern in which she appears very accommodating, nurturing, and self-sacrificing, but later shows resentment, emotional volatility, passive-aggressive behavior, sudden withdrawal, anger that seems out of nowhere. This is not cluster B, this is simply inconsistent behavior,

Hmm i'm not really sure.

Many people — especially women raised in traditional or high‑expectation families — are taught to be agreeable, be helpful, avoid conflict, hide negative emotions, “perform” goodness in front of relatives. This creates a mask of competence and kindness. But masking is exhausting. Eventually the real emotions leak out. That shift can feel shocking if you didn’t see the early signs

So you're saying, she's not cluster b, but it's theversion of the niceguy, but a woman. Correct?


My OP talks really about that.
And those kind of woman, are really bad in my opinion, because it's hard to have intimacy with them.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

That's exactly the point: whether you idealize or you psychoanalyze, you're at two extremes, and you have to find a middle ground. But the problem is that there will be times when you want to idealize and times when you psychoanalyze.

It's like a heartbeat, not a landline.



@sevbucmash

Your post sounds like it was written by ai, but




this part,

Hmm i'm not really sure.

So you're saying, she's not cluster b, but it's theversion of the niceguy, but a woman. Correct?


My OP talks really about that.
And those kind of woman, are really bad in my opinion, because it's hard to have intimacy with them.

There is no need to try and go so deep into things in these situations.

If a person literally tells you "I am trash by my actions and what I am saying my values and beliefs are" then you fvcking believe them and act accordingly. And they ALMOST ALWAYS TELL YOU within the first month who they are. If you actually are listening to them.

That's it.

No need for psychoanalyzing, no need for idealizing or whatever other "-izing" term you want to throw around to over think things and try and turn 1+1 into some advanced mathematics problem you need a phD to figure out.

It's actually really simple and trying to force something this simple to be complex is a whole other issue.

 

[plumber]

your talking about when the mask comes down. you did not see it was a mask, and when the mask comes down your in shock at what is behind it. the question being how to see its a mask.

simple answer. you can not see past the mask until it comes down. that's the point of it. anyone in that position can forgive themselves for being tricked.

digging deeper... notice that the one with the mask sometimes does not lower the mask for some OTHER people. they continue to treat some others well, while demasking with you. the deep question is why did she decide to demask with you, instead of continue to treat you well?

so when the mask comes down, what do you do ?????

the long term solution is to choose/accept women that are not marketing themselves to you, but are still choosing you. but that can be boring...

 

[jhonny9546]

the long term solution is to choose/accept women who are not marketing themselves to you, but are still choosing you. but that can be boring...

All clear, but I didn't understand this part... what did you really mean here?

 

[plumber]

All clear, but I didn't understand this part... what did you really mean here?

some women will attract us with sex, only sex. its effective. some will try to sync emotionally, and a few (very few) will even try to have a logical meeting. if they are just chasing you by looking to hook you for lust... that's good but predictable. if your looking for more than that choose from those that are showing more than that.

its not about what you notice, its about what they present.

 

[jhonny9546]

some women will attract us with sex, only sex. its effective. some will try to sync emotionally, and a few (very few) will even try to have a logical meeting. if they are just chasing you by looking to hook you for lust... that's good but predictable. if your looking for more than that choose from those that are showing more than that.

its not about what you notice, its about what they present.

Ok I think this helped..
Did you describe lovebombing?

In this case are you saying that the woman who wants to "chain" you through sex or by showing you how good she is in other ways, is not the kind of woman you would keep?

Explain further

 

[plumber]

Ok I think this helped..
Did you describe lovebombing?

In this case are you saying that the woman who wants to "chain" you through sex or by showing you how good she is in other ways, is not the kind of woman you would keep?

Explain further

use your head on shoulder to make relationship decisions. other head lies to you sometimes. based on us using the 1-10 hot scale to describe women. most choose from lust only. and learn the hard way.

 

[BillyPilgrim]

It's actually NOT difficult, once one stops psychologizing the ever living piss out of everything*, instead asks himself a more blunt question:

"Is this person I'm currently less than thrilled with a monumental megac-nt, or someone who regularly brings light and joy to my existence? If the former... Well, the wisest course of action(Carve them out of my orbit, faster than Hollywood threw Weinstein under the bus, the minute Miramax's glory faded)is pretty self-evident"
Hold your lovers to similar/the exact same standards you hold ALL those you bring into your life to




*Yeah, I enjoy reading psych literature myself, even the material written for practicioners. Diagnosing everyone we encounter, as if we're shrinks and they're our clients, just makes things unduly complicated

You're forgetting OP lives in Italy. There is no magic wisdom that will save him short of escape.

 

[BillyPilgrim]

use your head on shoulder to make relationship decisions. other head lies to you sometimes. based on us using the 1-10 hot scale to describe women. most choose from lust only. and learn the hard way.

OP needs to use the 0-1 scale. 0 = Is she Italian? vs 1 = Is she not Italian? 0 = run, 1 = give her a shot if all indicators are go.

 

[BaronOfHair]

@jhonny9546 "How many of you have correctly screened a woman like that, but fallen for it because she truly had all the makings of a keeper, only to find out later that she turned out to be a monster?"

There've been occasions where my own vetting was, in hindsight, deeply flawed/likely colored by my lust. It's all but impossible for any human being TO NOT show us who they truly are, pretty early on in an interaction... Even street thugs of relatively low intelligence can typically identify ostensibly seasoned undercover operatives without much effort

 

[jhonny9546]

can typically identify ostensibly seasoned undercover operatives without much effort

Is that a human ability we have by default?