She confessed love after a trip… now dates feel quiet and heavy. What to do?

[AM349]

What's there to understand?? She said that she loved you, you didn't reciprocate, she feels bad about it. There is no great mystery here.

What exactly are your intentions for this girl? If you're interested in a serious relationship, you should say "I love you too", even if you don't really feel that way. Otherwise, continue doing what you're doing and let this fling run its courser, if it hasn't already.

I was wondering if it that she was being scared to show more emotion because i didn't fully reciprocate, or that she was becoming bored or losing interest.

But how would I continue or turn things around or get her out of this state that she feels like I didn't reciprocate?

I am just still not sure if I want a relationship, but would like to continue seeing her and discuss it later on.

 

[AM349]

You don't seem to be understanding.

There IS NO turning it around.

It's either sh!t or get off the pot time with this woman.

Your choice.

Why isn't there a turning around? Its not like I said I don't like her back. I just didn't denie nor confirm, and kept showing warmth.

How can I get her out of this state? How do I turn it around or bring it up?

What is the correct course of action to turn it around.

I am just not sure yet about a relationship and need some more time, would be open to discuss later on.

And what do you mean exactly with '' It's either sh!t or get off the pot time with this woman. ''?

 

[BillyPilgrim]

You can love a woman you're having sex with as a friend OP. Which means you can honestly say you love her back (if you indeed do), but also that you don't want anything too serious since you're both young.

If you're not sure if you do, say you're "very fond" of her or that you "really like her" or something of the sort but you're not sure if you want anything serious right now.

Communication is key. Silence and avoiding the issue isn't the answer.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Why isn't there a turning around? Its not like I said I don't like her back. I just didn't denie nor confirm, and kept showing warmth.

How can I get her out of this state? How do I turn it around or bring it up?

What is the correct course of action to turn it around.

I am just not sure yet about a relationship and need some more time, would be open to discuss later on.

And what do you mean exactly with '' It's either sh!t or get off the pot time with this woman. ''?

You only get so much time with most women to decide whether you want a relationship or not, and you've reached the limit with her.

So either you want a relationship with her or you don't.

If you don't, she is going to end up walking away in the not too distant future.

 

[Bokanovsky]

I was wondering if it that she was being scared to show more emotion because i didn't fully reciprocate, or that she was becoming bored or losing interest.

No offence, buy you must be on the spectrum if you don't understand why a woman would be taken aback when she says "I love you" and you don't say it back.

You turn things around by saying "I love you" the next time you see her. It doesn't have to actually be true. Just tell her what she wants to hear.

 

[BillyPilgrim]

No offence, buy you must be on the spectrum if you don't understand why a woman would be taken aback when she says "I love you" and you don't say it back.

You turn things around by saying "I love you" the next time you see her. It doesn't have to actually be true. Just tell her what she wants to hear.

Machiavelli approves.

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

She is afraid of putting herself out there again since she didn't receive reassurance from you in the same way.

Exactly.

I’m trying to understand whether this is:

1. A natural transition from attraction → attachment (oxytocin phase)
2. Her feeling vulnerable after opening up and pulling back slightly for self-protection
3. Me unintentionally becoming too emotionally available post-trip
4. Or early signs of comfort replacing attraction, and she just becoming bored

Stop trying to analyze this as an engineering problem to be understood. When a girl tells you she loves you, this is a huge risk (especially if she goes first) because she's feeling an intense emotional connection.

If you don't love her back, save her the grief and break up with her.

If you do love her, say that, and explain you didn't respond when she said it because of whatever issues you have.

Staying up in your head is fine when gaming girls for casual sex.

But when deep, ancient emotions get involved, game goes out the window and emotional truth and terrifying vulnerability are the only way forward.

 

[Bokanovsky]

Machiavelli approves.

I don't see it as being machiavellian. It's the male equivalent to a woman saying that you've got the biggest d!ck she's ever had.

 

[BPH]

I don't get why it can't be turned around. What if I bring it up, or she brings it up again?

It was not that I said that I didn't love her, I just didn't confirm nor denie. But still showed her warmed in the moment.

I don't think it can be turned around because you showed doubt. You are not as sure that you like her as much as she is sure that she likes you.

That is not a problem you can solve logically.

She is likely looking for the exit, because now she knows you are not "that guy" for her, at least not as much as she wished you'd be. So she feels pressured now to find that guy because she has a ticking biological clock, and would be wasting her time by staying with you.

 

[sevbucmash]

There is no exit from love. Girl is bound to be alpha widowed. Either you tell her you two should just stay friends, possibly with benefits, or you proceed into serious crap. Up to you. If you stay friends, keep in mind she could try pregnancy tricks. If you choose serious route, give it time before marriage. Feelings change over time. Ask her to move together, etc.
A lot of people live together without marriage.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

I don't think it can be turned around because you showed doubt. You are not as sure that you like her as much as she is sure that she likes you.

That is not a problem you can solve logically.

She is likely looking for the exit, because now she knows you are not "that guy" for her, at least not as much as she wished you'd be. So she feels pressured now to find that guy because she has a ticking biological clock, and would be wasting her time by staying with you.

And this is why logical men struggle with women, because they try and solve it as if it some mathematical equation they can reason through, when it's not anything like that at all.

I know this, because I had the same problem for a long time and it took a lot of work to get it sorted out, even tho I will never be as good with women as someone who naturally understands this dynamic and didn't have to spend time learning thru trial and error.

 

[BillyPilgrim]

I don't think it can be turned around because you showed doubt. You are not as sure that you like her as much as she is sure that she likes you.

That is not a problem you can solve logically.

She is likely looking for the exit, because now she knows you are not "that guy" for her, at least not as much as she wished you'd be. So she feels pressured now to find that guy because she has a ticking biological clock, and would be wasting her time by staying with you.

Not sure I agree. Relationship investments are never exactly equal and the chick presumably close to OP's age (21), so no ticking clock. I bet if OP randomly/unexpectedly says "I love you" during a vibing moment when feels are good he could salvage. But if he continues on his course it's over.

 

[Clockwerk50]

You didn’t mention how long you’ve been seeing her. Regardless, everyone is right: you can’t have your cake and eat it too. A woman giving consistent sex to a man with no relationship in sight is the mirror image of a man being in a relationship with no sex in the future.

From what I see, you’re giving her mixed signals. You’re doing boyfriend–girlfriend things, but when her feelings surface, they aren’t clearly validated. Once that happens, the anticipation of a shared future fades and becomes mundane instead of exciting.

If I were in your shoes and wanted to keep seeing her without committing, I’d lead with action, not explanations. Plan a proper date. Take her somewhere nice, think it through, dress well, be intentional. Create an experience that makes her feel chosen and valued, then use that moment to calmly make sure you’re both on the same page about what this is and where it’s going. People respond more to how you make them feel than to words, and a well-led experience creates clarity in a way talking rarely does.

If she doesn’t want to see you in person then this is insalvable.

 

[Sega Genesis]

Action is great but sometimes we just need to hear the words especially when we expressed them first.

OP instead of speculating talk to her, have a conversation.

This can be turned around. Don't lie. Just be real with her.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Action is great but sometimes we just need to hear the words especially when we expressed them first.

OP instead of speculating talk to her, have a conversation.

This can be turned around. Don't lie. Just be real with her.

OP's clock is ticking...at 4 months most women are not going to keep wasting time with a guy that gives them no clarity as to where things are going...typically the time where women either decide to be with a guy long-term or bail if they don't get the right vibe or answer from them when they ask where it's going.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

There is no exit from love. Girl is bound to be alpha widowed. Either you tell her you two should just stay friends, possibly with benefits, or you proceed into serious crap. Up to you. If you stay friends, keep in mind she could try pregnancy tricks. If you choose serious route, give it time before marriage. Feelings change over time. Ask her to move together, etc.
A lot of people live together without marriage.

Don't ever move in with a woman you are not at least engaged to. Bad decision waiting to happen.

 

[BeExcellent]

Advice from the old lady:

I have the exact same question as our comrade @Bokanovsky on this one OP.

What do YOU want with this woman? Not her, YOU.

Do you want a relationship with her?

Do you see her as just a plaything?

Just a sexual partner?

Do you enjoy her company?

Do you like her? Ok you said you like her, but how much do you like her? Seems like you don't have the red hots for her.

See this kind of question is more to do with you. If she is just a placeholder, you need to let her go, its the kind thing to do.

You are young & inexperienced, but more importantly you sound uncertain about this woman. So give all that some thought.

My husband says @taiyuu_otoko you get the Fortune Cookie Award for most sage advice. I agree, great post.

 

[plumber]

For her

A. you tell the truth with her. you just want friends with benefits.

B. you lie to her. tell your you really thought about it and you love her, its just difficult for you to admit it. but with her help you will try to show it more. then you continue your game.

For yourself.

1. you don't want any relationship for now.

or...

2. you do want a relationship but she is not it. for reasons......... and..........

---

Just be honest with her.... there are plenty of other FWB choices if that's what you need for now. And that's just fine.

 

[AM349]

You only get so much time with most women to decide whether you want a relationship or not, and you've reached the limit with her.

So either you want a relationship with her or you don't.

If you don't, she is going to end up walking away in the not too distant future.

Okay but do I wait till she brings it up again, or do I bring it up again?

Or should I do something else?

 

[AM349]

Exactly.



Stop trying to analyze this as an engineering problem to be understood. When a girl tells you she loves you, this is a huge risk (especially if she goes first) because she's feeling an intense emotional connection.

If you don't love her back, save her the grief and break up with her.

If you do love her, say that, and explain you didn't respond when she said it because of whatever issues you have.

Staying up in your head is fine when gaming girls for casual sex.

But when deep, ancient emotions get involved, game goes out the window and emotional truth and terrifying vulnerability are the only way forward.

I agree, I just wanted to make it clear.

Should I bring it up, or should I wait for her to bring it up again?

I do love her, but in that moment it came unexpected and took me by suprise that I was not sure how to show it.