I agree wholeheartedly. I have lots of wasted time and money in therapy.
People with massive egos, like me, who have an internal fragility, again like me that needs reassurance can easily put someone like a therapist on a pedestal - or some other person that’s is highly successful at soothing some pain point in their life. I am not infatuated with her any longer.
However, you can get real dopamine hits from real indications of interest from a therapist when you’re in a weak spot with a massive need to avoid pain and seek acceptance.
What I mean is that your therapist is a human being too and since they are not God, very likely possible they are in fact communicating either subtle or more overt choosing signals.
Really good ones I am sure won’t do that and cross the boundary but, the world is a big place and only 50% of it is secure.
People like me, anxious-avoidant, egotistical, don’t typically gravitate towards secure people either until the change happens within and willingness to sit and deal with the real pains of the issue. As such, not unlikely that in the process of finding professional help, two kindred spirits may connect in the therapeutic setting like they would socially.
Secure ones are more likely to be honest, which can be infuriating, as I have experienced plenty of times, and while they may keep seeing you with an optimism that you may change, it doesn’t mean the work will be done by the patient.
I may as well add this on the topic of therapeutic introspection: I am a child of severe abuse and emotional trauma and I suppressed it for so long - I didn’t even have an interest to do the real work until I lost my best friend and the truest love of my life. I was living wrong in every way - I am a d1ck and egotistical bastard on this forum - I was living fast and loose in my career - I was an a$$ in my former marriage, people were simply a means to an end for me, I always wanted my edge from what they did for me - and needless to say I applied that to the incredible human being whom took me and my children on and played Mom to them like nobody would imagine. So what did I do with that ego, I would first get massively angry, and talk trash, physically and emotionally act out, and then I would rush towards avoidance and retribution in the name of ego boost by getting validation at the bar, on the apps, or reaching out to women who would still take my call, showing up, having sex with them, say I’d call them and I’d disappear into the ether for 6 months or longer and, then go back and rekindle my girlfriend who would be begging to return and she’d be intimate with me and was none the wiser. Absolutely and totally shameful way to live.
I commend you for getting real with yourself. I also respect you sharing some of your own story. Many people can't or won't do that.
Now you can live in a more authentic way, and without the shame & the 'shoulds' BS. You can model healthier behavior for your own kids. I see similar patterns in my husband, who behaves in a similar way but I think is too bound up in trying to gain acceptance from mom & dad (subconsciously), and he cycles like that too (although I do not think he is cheating) emotionally.
He starts therapy & craps out after 2-3 sessions when the questions become pointed at HIS behavior. He's still wrestling with the objective reality of his ASD diagnosis which was authoritatively confirmed earlier this year and he cannot tell me I'm full of crap about that any more. He is generally conflict avoidant until he isn't and then we get the melt downs. Awesome.
I dealt with my own family of origin crap in my 20s, and then had a number of sobering life lessons through my first marriage & subsequent divorce. Interestingly my first husband openly agrees that I did the correct thing in leaving him. Why? Only then did his pain of existing become great enough for him to grapple with himself.
I have said many times here that loss is a brutal teacher. But there are those of us who need a hard lesson to pull our head out of our asses. I do not exclude myself in this, either. Some of us frankly are that dense, aka stubborn, aka strong.
But real strength lies in authenticity and being Ok with one's flaws, and that self acceptance makes tolerating imperfections in others much easier, much more graceful.
And therein lies authentic personal power. Limitless personal power and love.
I digress.
Things with my husband have been improving. He will always manifest some of the behavioral hallmarks of ASD, even though he also has some super sized abilities attributable to that operating system too...he is talking more about things that hurt, like his mother constantly choosing his younger brother over him (younger brother is mid-40s, very handsome/fit/successful but never married). He thinks his mother is jealous of my role in his life & frankly I agree. She was able to milk both sons for attention and affection at the drop of a hat, and yet she was neglectful of them and abandoned them as young boys and she expects them to jump if she reaches out, but she is in no hurry to reciprocate if my husband makes an effort.
My husband is becoming more & more aware of the manipulation of his mother, the gaslighting, the passive aggresiveness, the phoniness. Then in contrast he gets very direct messaging from me. I am not conflict averse & I call it like I see it. I've told him to call his mother up and ask her a direct question, to put her on the spot. I sit quietly and listen and she is on speaker. My mother-in-law will flatter him, stroke his ego, lie & act all unicorns and rainbows but if my husband presses her and keeps calling her out the flowery flattery parade ends abruptly, she turns on the waterworks and hangs up on him.
She never answers him or acknowledges her bad behavior.
But he can observe her attempts at manipulation in that way....and he is realizing some important things (not the least of which is the tremendous patience I am demonstrating in sticking with the marriage).
It has been an eye opening but sad journey for him as he becomes disillusioned.
But infatuation with the therapist is a known part of the journey....so I pick the therapists around here, lol.
