Gym girl in a relationship giving me IOIs - Thoughts?

[BPH]

I originally was going to message @BeExcellent directly with this question, because I wanted a female perspective on what's going on here. I don't usually bother with women in relationships, because once they tell me that, it means they aren't interested enough to omit that information.

However, I was checking my Instagram and it seems this girl managed to find my account and has been watching my stories, so I'll see what you all think about this...

She's a very attractive Latina who regularly works out around the same time as I. I'd seen her working out with a girlfriend and a couple of guys, so I assumed she had a boyfriend, but I decided to shoot my shot anyway. She took it well, explained to me that she had been in a relationship for "a while" with a guy who works out here as well. I smiled, told her she was gorgeous, that he was a lucky guy, and went on my way. That was probably about a month and a half ago.

Since then, she'll usually make a point to engage with me in some way. She'll approach me and ask how many sets I have on equipment, rather than just waiting. She'll ask me why I do recumbent biking for cardio rather than the stair stepper that she does. She remembers my name, and we sometimes would make small talk - notably telling me that it was her birthday on the 29th this month. Always smiling, happy to talk to me, and see me.

Yesterday was my first day back in the gym following vacation, and she was there. She came up to me to grab a weight plate and said hi, remarking that she noticed I wasn't here last week to her friend, and that she missed me. We made some small talk about the beach I just got back from, and I brought up how her birthday is coming up soon, and asked if she had plans for it.

I don't know why, but she lied and said, "Yeah, it's coming up on the 26th, I can't wait". I stopped her and said, "Wait, isn't it on the 29th?" She seemed very impressed that I remembered. She told me that she would be going to Mexico for about a week and a half with her guy for a wedding. I told her that if I see her before then, I would give her an early "happy birthday". She returned to her friend, and that was that.

Now I'm at work checking my Instagram story, and see that she's now watching them, but has not followed me. I went ahead and followed her.

It feels like there's some attraction here, but I'm unsure how to proceed.

I figure I could play the long game, and simply wait for a breakup, where I'd be the obvious rebound...

...or I could be a bit more proactive, and ask for her number "just in case" things don't work out with her man. But that could potentially invite more problems.

Anyway, let me know what you guys think of all this, and what your suggestion would be moving forward. I don't particularly like pursuing women who are in relationships, but if the guy isn't somebody I know or care about, I wouldn't be above it.

 

[SW15]

It feels like there's some attraction here, but I'm unsure how to proceed.

I think she's giving enough IOIs to proceed right now. Don't preface it with "just in case". She seems into you and she doesn't seem satisfied in the current relationship. She might be ready to monkey branch now.

I figure I could play the long game, and simply wait for a breakup, where I'd be the obvious rebound...

This is a passable idea because you won't be an orbiter or get one-itis. You are desirable and will get other notches before her breakup.

I don't particularly like pursuing women who are in relationships, but if the guy isn't somebody I know or care about, I wouldn't be above it.

I don't like doing it either because it tends to be a low percentage play. There might also be more drama with it.

I don't know why, but she lied and said, "Yeah, it's coming up on the 26th, I can't wait". I stopped her and said, "Wait, isn't it on the 29th?" She seemed very impressed that I remembered.

This seems unusual. There would be no reason to lie.

 

[BillyPilgrim]

OP you're risking going into orbit here. Ask for the #. She's been sending out "invitations to chase". Call her out on it now - time to turn the tables and test *her* interest. Following on IG, remembering her bday details, being ok with her being coy and lying about her bday, being ok with her discussing things she's dong with her bf, etc.

Time to her to put up or shut up. Ask for the digits. At the very least you need to demonstrate the willingness to walk away.

 

[BillyPilgrim]

This seems unusual. There would be no reason to lie.

Lolz because she's a latina in Catholicland (i.e. the upper east coast)

 

[SW15]

Ask for the digits.

He did already shoot his shot with her.

Also, men need to get away from the idea of asking for digits. Ask to spend time together with her on a social outing. Then, collect digits.

There is no point in collecting digits without plans for a social outing.

 

[BPH]

I think she's giving enough IOIs to proceed right now. Don't preface it with "just in case". She seems into you and she doesn't seem satisfied in the current relationship. She might be ready to monkey branch now.

OP you're risking going into orbit here. Ask for the #. She's been sending out "invitations to chase". Call her out on it now - time to turn the tables and test *her* interest. Following on IG, remembering her bday details, being ok with her being coy and lying about her bday, being ok with her discussing things she's dong with her bf, etc.

Time to her to put up or shut up. Ask for the digits. At the very least you need to demonstrate the willingness to walk away.

Like @SW15 just mentioned, I've opened her before. To be fair, I asked if she had a boyfriend, but she didn't offer. Similarly, I asked if she was going to this wedding with her man, but she did not offer it there either. I was fishing to see if there had been a breakup.

The thing is, I can't "walk away" in the usual sense if things don't work out, because I will continue seeing her at the gym around the same time, unless she changes her schedule.

She has not offered me her number, so asking for it when she's already told me she has a man, I don't think that would go as well as I'd want it to.

This seems unusual. There would be no reason to lie.

My guess is it was a sh** test to see if I'm paying attention to details when we talk. I could be wrong, but she wouldn't have any other real reason to lie about something so innocuous.

 

[BillyPilgrim]

Ignore her when you're at the gym OP, she's being too coy. Let her come to you if she's into it.

But if you want to pursue, I'd ask her out for a "friendly" outing, get the digits and start to heat things up over text and see if she bites.

If you play if safe and slow, she seems like the type of girl who would use the facts that she has a boyfriend and she runs into you regularly as excuses to continue to be coy. I wouldn't let her.

At the very least try some subtle kino at the gym and see if she reciprocates.

 

[BPH]

Ignore her when you're at the gym OP, she's being too coy. Let her come to you if she's into it.

If you want to pursue, I'd ask her out for a "friendly" outing, get the digits and start to heat things up over text and see if she bites.

Well, I'm about to go to the gym now. There's a pretty good chance she'll be there.

I won't do anything different YET, but if she comes up to me again WITHOUT HER FRIEND working out with her, maybe I'll drop the "just in case" thing and see if she gives me her number. Specifically, without her friend, because if she decides to step out with me, it would make more sense for her to make that move without others witnessing it.

 

[SW15]

I can't "walk away" in the usual sense if things don't work out, because I will continue seeing her at the gym around the same time, unless she changes her schedule.

That is a major downside of hitting on women who go to the same gym that you go to.

Seeing the same woman after an approach rejection or a '1-2 dates, no sex' scenario is often unpleasant.

After sex happens and longer term relationship ends, if two people who went to the same guy break up, one of them usually changes the gym that they attend.

 

[Clockwerk50]

My first post here asking for advice was actually about a Persian girl I was trying to figure out — same type of situation with mixed signals. Long story short, she worked in my building and we bonded over our dogs. She would initiate contact over text, and we’d chat back and forth. One time, I bought some cookies and bones for her dog, and she sent me a video of her dog all happy, saying how our dogs should hang out sometime.

Things escalated from there — we started making plans to go to the gym together, hit the beach, check out a nightclub, and joked around looking at sex positions based on our horoscopes. Then she dropped three bombshells all at once: she was married, her mom had passed away, and her husband and her mom had both battled cancer at the same time.

She said, “I don’t know why I’m telling you this, I usually don’t tell anyone.”

At that point, I was in the same dilemma you’re in now — do I keep going or pull away? I chose to keep going. Although she kept accepting my invitations with lines like, “I can meet you there, [my husband’s name] is watching the dog” or “We went to look at houses this weekend and then hit the beach after.” Clearly, I wasn’t in. I eventually took a step back.

Funny enough, she doesn’t work in my building anymore, but every once in a while, she reaches out on LinkedIn asking if I know anyone interested in job openings at her company. Last time she initiated was June 23, and on July 9 I messaged her asking if she was interested in anything — she just replied, “We just bought a house,” lol.

That said, I’ve also seen the other side of the coin. Another married woman I knew was trying to bring her deported husband back from Mexico through immigration — and at the same time, she was giving BJs and hooking up with two guys in my social circle. She wore her wedding ring everywhere she went.

The reality is: It depends on whether her man is doing things right in the relationship (giving her attention, making plans, making her feel involved, and talking about the future) or if he’s messing up (being lazy, insecure, inattentive). And it depends on whether you’re morally okay with being the side piece and accepting the risks that come with it.

 

[BadBoy89]

I don't particularly like pursuing women who are in relationships, but if the guy isn't somebody I know or care about, I wouldn't be above it.

There is your answer. If you don’t care about the guy and wouldn’t be above it, assume the risks and go for it.

Once a woman brings out the boyfriend line and acts flirty, she wants her cake and eat it too. She is getting sex from the boyfriend, yet wants to see how a single guy acts towards her, she wants to see his game, his manoeuvres, his confidence. I would say there is a good chance she has no plans to do anything with the OP while she is with the boyfriend.

Personally I would say “Let me know when you are single, would love to get a drink with you.”

My opinion.

 

[Bingo-Player]

Getting drawn into "catch me if you can" games is never wise

I think men very quickly forget that sometimes women enjoy toying with male interest , because its fun for them

" how much will he chase me "

" Look how much he wants me "

" If I do this will he do that "

These are all common female perspectives I have enough female friends too know

 

[BillyPilgrim]

Getting drawn into "catch me if you can" games is never wise

I think men very quickly forget that sometimes women enjoy toying with male interest , because its fun for them

" how much will he chase me "

" Look how much he wants me "

" If I do this will he do that "

These are all common female perspectives I have enough female friends too know

Lol I just remembered the old Match.com commercial of some basic SWPL blonde saying "come find me" and the company using that as a catchphrase selling point.

Match.com TV Spot, 'Match Stories: Courtney'

Courtney is a Match.com user who loves traveling, meeting new people and hanging out at the beach. You're invited to see more Match Stories and share your own on the Match app.

www.ispot.tv

Lol no thanks.

 

[BPH]

So, I just got back from the gym, and there have been some developments.

It's too late to edit the OP, so I'll just tag those of you who have given me advice so far in this thread to see if this changes your mind in either direction. @SW15 @BadBoy89 @Clockwerk50 @BillyPilgrim @Bingo-Player

She was at the gym today with her girlfriend. I was a few machines away, and she came over and jokingly asked if I was almost done with it (she didn't actually intend to use it). She said her friend knew my brother and asked what my relationship was with him, to which I told her he's my brother, and that I noticed she found my Instagram. She laughed and commented on the fact that I had nice teeth and asked which dentist I go to, telling me that she searched me in her system and wondered if she would find me (she's a dental hygienist) before I told her I go to this other office.

She was separated from her friend, so I asked for her number. She had one of those nervous laughs and said "you're crazy", to which I replied "is that a no?" She then said that she had a secret to tell me, but that she couldn't tell me now, before returning to her friend to continue their workout.

Later, I was on a different machine, also close by, and she came over to me again, asking if I was planning to do my cardio on the stair stepper. When I told her I would, she said to pick one with 2 open spots next to it so she could talk to me, but also be close to her friend.

So I did, and she and her friend joined me after a few minutes. It was mostly small talk with some flirty vibes and innuendos thrown in here and there. I learned that she's a homebody and doesn't go out much, saying she's a "good girl", that she attended community college in the area, and that she was a cheerleader and used to play soccer, but that didn't work out because she was "aggressive," as she said. She asked me about my work, where I go for fun, and whether or not I'm on steroids (which I found entertaining). I also learned that she did a DEEP dive on my Instagram; she looked at a lot of old pictures and referenced seeing that I graduated from UD, but couldn't read what my degree was in. I asked if she got deep enough to see the Santa picture I took (very old), to which she replied that she did, and joked that she sent it to the group chat. There were a couple of moments of silence between questions where she would reinitiate, so I took that as a good sign. She told me she thinks I'm funny.

My workout ended before hers, so I told her I would be in the gym tomorrow if she wanted to tell me her secret then. I told her that now she and her friend can talk about me as they watch me leave. She laughed and said she can't take me seriously. She smiled and waved as I walked by to leave.

And that was that. Any new opinions on the matter?

She's going to be leaving for her birthday trip on Friday and won't be back for a week and a half, so a lot of this probably doesn't matter much. But I am curious about what's happening here. I'll invoke @BeExcellent and maybe @Sega Genesis for this post because I think there are some big differences between OP and what's happened today.

 

[SW15]

she's a dental hygienist

That occupation tends to draw in some dateable women.

Any new opinions on the matter?

She seems to be playing some games. I wouldn't appreciate it. The "secret" thing is total crap.

She's going to be leaving for her birthday trip on Friday and won't be back for a week and a half, so a lot of this probably doesn't matter much.

The time away might cool the momentum on this. That could be a good thing.

 

[Barrister]

Likely bored in her current relationship, but not enough to leave. She’s using you for an attention/validation rush in the meantime (and probably many others).

I’d ask her out for a drink again. If she says no or waffles I’d simply forget about her. Doesn’t mean you can’t still be friendly, but I’d stop wasting mental energy wondering what she’s up to at that point and looking at her Instagram etc.

Yes, she clearly enjoys the attention from you at the gym. But if that’s all it’s going to be you have better things to expend energy on.

 

[Slowhandluke]

Likely bored in her current relationship, but not enough to leave. She’s using you for an attention/validation rush in the meantime (and probably many others)..

she clearly enjoys the attention ....

Attention whole. Move on. Flirt... but don't expect more. It's her turn to escalate...Imho, Until then she's just leading you on like a puppy on a leash.

 

[BPH]

Fair enough, the consensus seems to be pretty consistent.

I'll just keep doing what I'm doing and post back if she does anything groundbreaking these next 2 days before her trip.

One little detail that might be worth noting is that her Instagram is private, mine is public. So she's searching for me to watch my stories, has not followed me, and has not accepted my follow. I've found that details matter, so maybe she's doing this to not set off any alarms with her boyfriend.

 

[BillyPilgrim]

So, I just got back from the gym, and there have been some developments.

It's too late to edit the OP, so I'll just tag those of you who have given me advice so far in this thread to see if this changes your mind in either direction. @SW15 @BadBoy89 @Clockwerk50 @BillyPilgrim @Bingo-Player

She was at the gym today with her girlfriend. I was a few machines away, and she came over and jokingly asked if I was almost done with it (she didn't actually intend to use it). She said her friend knew my brother and asked what my relationship was with him, to which I told her he's my brother, and that I noticed she found my Instagram. She laughed and commented on the fact that I had nice teeth and asked which dentist I go to, telling me that she searched me in her system and wondered if she would find me (she's a dental hygienist) before I told her I go to this other office.

She was separated from her friend, so I asked for her number. She had one of those nervous laughs and said "you're crazy", to which I replied "is that a no?" She then said that she had a secret to tell me, but that she couldn't tell me now, before returning to her friend to continue their workout.

Later, I was on a different machine, also close by, and she came over to me again, asking if I was planning to do my cardio on the stair stepper. When I told her I would, she said to pick one with 2 open spots next to it so she could talk to me, but also be close to her friend.

So I did, and she and her friend joined me after a few minutes. It was mostly small talk with some flirty vibes and innuendos thrown in here and there. I learned that she's a homebody and doesn't go out much, saying she's a "good girl", that she attended community college in the area, and that she was a cheerleader and used to play soccer, but that didn't work out because she was "aggressive," as she said. She asked me about my work, where I go for fun, and whether or not I'm on steroids (which I found entertaining). I also learned that she did a DEEP dive on my Instagram; she looked at a lot of old pictures and referenced seeing that I graduated from UD, but couldn't read what my degree was in. I asked if she got deep enough to see the Santa picture I took (very old), to which she replied that she did, and joked that she sent it to the group chat. There were a couple of moments of silence between questions where she would reinitiate, so I took that as a good sign. She told me she thinks I'm funny.

My workout ended before hers, so I told her I would be in the gym tomorrow if she wanted to tell me her secret then. I told her that now she and her friend can talk about me as they watch me leave. She laughed and said she can't take me seriously. She smiled and waved as I walked by to leave.

And that was that. Any new opinions on the matter?

She's going to be leaving for her birthday trip on Friday and won't be back for a week and a half, so a lot of this probably doesn't matter much. But I am curious about what's happening here. I'll invoke @BeExcellent and maybe @Sega Genesis for this post because I think there are some big differences between OP and what's happened today.

So, a good girl who's also combative (serial shin kicker), nosy, and after a lengthy get-to-know-you chat can't deliver on the advertised secret she promised and still haven't given you her phone number. Not good signs. Maybe a LTR potential, but she's got anger issues (soccer).

This girl won't put out quick (even without a boyfriend) and isn't the best ltr potential, but a several month dating fling might work. As you say, she reinitiated during the convo and said she thinks you're funny. Her not taking you seriously could work in your favor, but I'd avoid trying to give player vibes. Maybe ask for a low-pressure meet "as friends" sometime just to get the digits.

 

[Chow Mein]

He did already shoot his shot with her.

Also, men need to get away from the idea of asking for digits. Ask to spend time together with her on a social outing. Then, collect digits.

There is no point in collecting digits without plans for a social outing.

Yep, dudes think getting the digits a milestone to achieve.
Why would any woman give out her phone number without any follow-up? Just so she can have a pen-pal or IG follower?
No dudes, they expect you to shoot your shot and make actual plans.