Why I don't like red flag lists

[self_is_an_illusion]

I think that using a "red flags" list in dating, aimed at spotting potential issues early on, can be a double-edged sword. On one hand, it's protective against entering harmful or unsatisfying relationships. On the other, it's fraught with ethical concerns, notably the dangers of overgeneralization and stereotyping. From my perspective, when we apply a universal set of red flags to everyone we meet, we run the risk of unfairly judging people based on a narrow slice of their behavior or past experiences, potentially missing out on relationships with those who might actually be good for us. Moreover, I believe there's an ethical line crossed when digging into someone's past or private matters without their consent, as it can infringe upon their privacy and autonomy.

Focusing too much on red flags can lead to self-fulfilling prophecies, where we only see what we expect to find, damaging potentially healthy relationships with doubt and negativity right from the start. Using a red flags list requires making moral judgments about others, and I feel it's crucial to tread carefully between being cautious and being judgmental. I've observed that this approach often lacks compassion for those who are struggling with personal issues or who have made mistakes. I also think that relying heavily on red flags can prevent us from experiencing personal growth and practicing forgiveness within relationships. People change, and part of building a meaningful relationship involves overcoming challenges and learning from one another. I believe in finding a balance between protecting oneself and remaining open and compassionate towards potential partners, emphasizing empathy, understanding, and the willingness to see beyond initial impressions in the journey of forming connections.

 

[BillyPilgrim]

Dude, you're 26. Wait until you're 40, you wouldn't survive without using pattern recognition in the dating world.

Most people in the adult world have the ability to judge partially, very few judge in absolutes.

You can be both open minded and judgmental simultaneously. It's called discernment, in other words common sense.

This post reads like something from high school, man. I need a tylenol and a shower now.

 

[The Duke]

Yeah you better let us veterans handle the dangerous ones. Good idea.

 

[Manure Spherian]

Moreover, I believe there's an ethical line crossed when digging into someone's past or private matters without their consent,

How can you possibly dig without consent?

moral judgments about others

I’m a judgmental person. So that’s fine by me.

struggling with personal issues or who have made mistakes.

Mature people can judge while taking this into account, be empathetic.

People change, and part of building a meaningful relationship involves overcoming challenges and learning from one another. I believe in finding a balance between protecting oneself and remaining open and compassionate towards potential partners, emphasizing empathy, understanding, and the willingness to see beyond initial impressions in the journey of forming connections.

That is all true.

Can you give an example of one being too harsh with red flags?

 

[FlexpertHamilton]

Generalizations are needed for efficiency. It doesn't matter if they're sometimes wrong- they're correct most of the time. Same goes for racial/social stereotypes. They're rooted in truth, and while it may not be fair to the individual exceptions, they're largely true for the majority. When dealing with individuals, generalizations are useless, but we're talking about meeting women, where you shouldn't be limiting yourself to just 1, so it's really just a tool to screen large amounts of women.

There's no point in wasting time with more women who have red flags to hold out for the possibilty that one of them might be an exception. Better to only date women with green flags all around. I'm at the point where I won't even date, let alone fvck, women with visible tattoos! Am I potentially missing out on a few good experiences? Probably, but I don't give a shvt.

Women can feel free to red flag me too, if it helps them screen.

 

[Desdinova]

If you're just casually fvcking some broad, then you can toss your list of red flags out the window. If you're looking for a quality woman to spend a significant portion of your life with, you'd better memorize that list of red flags. Not only that, but any offenses should lead you to toss her into the dumpster with all the other discarded pieces of trash.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

I think that using a "red flags" list in dating, aimed at spotting potential issues early on, can be a double-edged sword. On one hand, it's protective against entering harmful or unsatisfying relationships. On the other, it's fraught with ethical concerns, notably the dangers of overgeneralization and stereotyping. From my perspective, when we apply a universal set of red flags to everyone we meet, we run the risk of unfairly judging people based on a narrow slice of their behavior or past experiences, potentially missing out on relationships with those who might actually be good for us. Moreover, I believe there's an ethical line crossed when digging into someone's past or private matters without their consent, as it can infringe upon their privacy and autonomy.

Focusing too much on red flags can lead to self-fulfilling prophecies, where we only see what we expect to find, damaging potentially healthy relationships with doubt and negativity right from the start. Using a red flags list requires making moral judgments about others, and I feel it's crucial to tread carefully between being cautious and being judgmental. I've observed that this approach often lacks compassion for those who are struggling with personal issues or who have made mistakes. I also think that relying heavily on red flags can prevent us from experiencing personal growth and practicing forgiveness within relationships. People change, and part of building a meaningful relationship involves overcoming challenges and learning from one another. I believe in finding a balance between protecting oneself and remaining open and compassionate towards potential partners, emphasizing empathy, understanding, and the willingness to see beyond initial impressions in the journey of forming connections.

No it isn't, it is a part of screening properly. The upside FAR FAR outweighs any potential downside.

You shouldn't be "looking for red flags", you should simply BELIEVE THEM when someone tells you or shows you them.

And they ALWAYS will show you them. The issue is most people excuse them away, justify them somehow or simply refuse to believe them thinking "they will change" or "I can make them change". No they won't and no you can't.

90% or more of bad relationships or bad situations people get themselves into with others stem from ignoring red flags when they are shown on a giant billboard flashing in front of your face repeatedly.

Ignore them at your peril and usually with your wallet and loss of mental health and sanity.

 

[self_is_an_illusion]

Can you give an example of one being too harsh with red flags?

When someone has BPD, it's easy to label certain behaviors as "red flags" and immediately end the relationship. However, if she's attending therapy, adopting a growth mindset, and making progress in her mental health, then that would indicate resilience despite her diagnosis.

 

[self_is_an_illusion]

I'm holding out for a virgin chef de cuisine with daddy issues and a kink streak a mile wide.

WTF BRO LOL

 

[self_is_an_illusion]

If you're just casually fvcking some broad, then you can toss your list of red flags out the window. If you're looking for a quality woman to spend a significant portion of your life with, you'd better memorize that list of red flags. Not only that, but any offenses should lead you to toss her into the dumpster with all the other discarded pieces of trash.

I've observed that this approach often lacks compassion for those who are struggling with personal issues or who have made mistakes.

 

[self_is_an_illusion]

Dude, you're 26. Wait until you're 40, you wouldn't survive without using pattern recognition in the dating world.

Most people in the adult world have the ability to judge partially, very few judge in absolutes.

You can be both open minded and judgmental simultaneously. It's called discernment, in other words common sense.

This post reads like something from high school, man. I need a tylenol and a shower now.

I see your point. You need to really understand the person you're talking to by observing their behavior and your experiences with them. Red flags are just warning signs, not absolute deal-breakers. If you have an abundance outlook and don't obsess over one person, you'll be less willing to ignore these warnings. You're suggesting that as we grow older, we become less tolerant of red flags because we realize there are plenty of other potential partners out there. Moving on from someone with many red flags is better for our mental health and saves time and energy, especially since there are others we could love without these issues.

 

[self_is_an_illusion]

Generalizations are needed for efficiency. It doesn't matter if they're sometimes wrong- they're correct most of the time. Same goes for racial/social stereotypes. They're rooted in truth, and while it may not be fair to the individual exceptions, they're largely true for the majority. When dealing with individuals, generalizations are useless, but we're talking about meeting women, where you shouldn't be limiting yourself to just 1, so it's really just a tool to screen large amounts of women.

There's no point in wasting time with more women who have red flags to hold out for the possibilty that one of them might be an exception. Better to only date women with green flags all around. I'm at the point where I won't even date, let alone fvck, women with visible tattoos! Am I potentially missing out on a few good experiences? Probably, but I don't give a shvt.

Women can feel free to red flag me too, if it helps them screen.

But is the goal to run through as many chicks as possible before we die?

 

[FlexpertHamilton]

But is the goal to run through as many chicks as possible before we die?

No, and I was alluding to the opposite. If your goal is to fvck as many women as possible, ignore red flags. I'm saying do the opposite, which in some cases may mean not going on dates or fvcking for 2 months until you find a girl without red flags + several green flags