Calibration: Too Much Intent vs Being Direct

[nicksaiz65]

Can you all help me with this balance? Especially for someone still in school. On one hand, you want to be kind of direct and ask them out. On the other hand, having an agenda creeps people out and will turn them off.

I ask because a lot of the time I’ll be talking to someone and either they’ll start leaving my messages on read, or I just get ghosted in general and I’m thinking that this might have something to do with it.

So where’s the best spot to be at in terms of calibration? I guess just making sure you get to know someone at least a bit before you ask them out?

 

[EyeBRollin]

You are putting a head trip on yourself. If you want to get with a girl, you must be a man of action. That means asking her out on a date. Never apologize for just being a man.

 

[sosousage]

yea obviously you two must enjoy chatting together dont ask before that lmao

 

[Chi Town]

Talk to her, gauge her interest, ask her out.

Rinse, wash, repeat

 

[marvinlfloresq]

Can you all help me with this balance? Especially for someone still in school. On one hand, you want to be kind of direct and ask them out. On the other hand, having an agenda creeps people out and will turn them off.

I ask because a lot of the time I’ll be talking to someone and either they’ll start leaving my messages on read, or I just get ghosted in general and I’m thinking that this might have something to do with it.

So where’s the best spot to be at in terms of calibration? I guess just making sure you get to know someone at least a bit before you ask them out?

I think I know how to solve this. This past weeks, literally I was blown off by three women I wanted to date. Worse I see them every day. So It felt weird, I thought I had it, but nothing. Im ok, not bitter. But this will help. It has nothing to do with being direct.
* Thrust me, I am a misile when being direct & straight to the point.

Its all about *Attraction*.

Those women were not attracted to me, or found me interesting enough. So, my solution is to change my approach now. I am not going to "ask" women out cold shut gun style if I dont get IOI (indicator of interest).

I have to work on my game. Op, try that, get IOI before asking women out.

How to get IOI, tease them, flirt with them, make them laugh. Play the game. Otherwise, samething could keep happening.

 

[marmel75]

Can you all help me with this balance? Especially for someone still in school. On one hand, you want to be kind of direct and ask them out. On the other hand, having an agenda creeps people out and will turn them off.

I ask because a lot of the time I’ll be talking to someone and either they’ll start leaving my messages on read, or I just get ghosted in general and I’m thinking that this might have something to do with it.

So where’s the best spot to be at in terms of calibration? I guess just making sure you get to know someone at least a bit before you ask them out?

You ask them out within 3 or 4 messages. Its pretty simple.

 

[3agle 3yes]

So where’s the best spot to be at in terms of calibration? I guess just making sure you get to know someone at least a bit before you ask them out?

Yes. I almost never go direct, you almost always lose your value instantly. She needs to believe she has earned your attraction. If you commit before she has done anything she'll have all the power.

I always say on this forum. Initially everything should be casual (commitments, "date" times and places you go etc). This makes it longer for you to bang her, but she'll almost never flake.

...So, my solution is to change my approach now. I am not going to "ask" women out cold shut gun style if I dont get IOI (indicator of interest).

I have to work on my game. Op, try that, get IOI before asking women out.

How to get IOI, tease them, flirt with them, make them laugh. Play the game. Otherwise, samething could keep happening.

I agree with some of this, but I would stay away from waiting for an IOI. Some girls who are interested won't show IOIs, you could not see an IOI or an IOI to someone else isn't an IOI to you etc...

The number one principle IMO that will significantly change the way you deal with women is to assume all women you are attracted are attracted to and to behave accordingly making her earn your time by taking it slow.

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

Calibration comes when you go for something because you want it, rather than need it.

Like, I want an Aston Martin, but I know I don't need one. And I'll be perfectly happy if I have to make do with a Porsche S instead.

The same goes with women. They know we want them and your only job is to make her want you back. But, you know life will go on if they don't. They only get freaked the fck out when a guy seems to need them - completely unnatural.

 

[smokeforfun]

Can you all help me with this balance? Especially for someone still in school. On one hand, you want to be kind of direct and ask them out. On the other hand, having an agenda creeps people out and will turn them off.

I ask because a lot of the time I’ll be talking to someone and either they’ll start leaving my messages on read, or I just get ghosted in general and I’m thinking that this might have something to do with it.

So where’s the best spot to be at in terms of calibration? I guess just making sure you get to know someone at least a bit before you ask them out?

I would like to know the answer. I'm in school too, college. I just started out again after dropping of years ago.
So first time years ago I fell in love with a girl in a relationship, ended up being with her 3 years then doing me the same thing she did to the previous guy.

So now I did this : I just went in classes, sometimes having fun and just laughing with everyone, but I did not show no intent to no one, even though there are 2 or 3 that I would totally bang. Obviously for 2 or 3 I am the one that they would bang, they already showed interest like liking my pictures, sending me funny pics, but they are fat and I don't like them.
I think I'm in a decent situation, but I really have to think a way to bang some of them, and this thread comes in really useful.
I was thinking a good way would be to go out as class group, that way we can have some drinks and lower inhibitions.

 

[marvinlfloresq]

Yes. I almost never go direct, you almost always lose your value instantly. She needs to believe she has earned your attraction. If you commit before she has done anything she'll have all the power.

I always say on this forum. Initially everything should be casual (commitments, "date" times and places you go etc). This makes it longer for you to bang her, but she'll almost never flake.
I agree with some of this, but I would stay away from waiting for an IOI. Some girls who are interested won't show IOIs, you could not see an IOI or an IOI to someone else isn't an IOI to you etc...

The number one principle IMO that will significantly change the way you deal with women is to assume all women you are attracted are attracted to and to behave accordingly making her earn your time by taking it slow.

I always do this, but has not been working for me recently. I always assume this, but lately I think its best to "gauge interest" level before asking out. * rejection stings. Took me two days to recover mentally.

 

[marvinlfloresq]

I would like to know the answer. I'm in school too, college. I just started out again after dropping of years ago.
So first time years ago I fell in love with a girl in a relationship, ended up being with her 3 years then doing me the same thing she did to the previous guy.

So now I did this : I just went in classes, sometimes having fun and just laughing with everyone, but I did not show no intent to no one, even though there are 2 or 3 that I would totally bang. Obviously for 2 or 3 I am the one that they would bang, they already showed interest like liking my pictures, sending me funny pics, but they are fat and I don't like them.
I think I'm in a decent situation, but I really have to think a way to bang some of them, and this thread comes in really useful.
I was thinking a good way would be to go out as class group, that way we can have some drinks and lower inhibitions.

No, IMO, class group is friends stuff. You are **** blocking yourself.

You are over thinking. Select 1. Either be direct, ask her to go for drinks with you at "night" and see what she says. Done.

Or, start being ****y funny, tease her. Then ask her to go out at night for drinks. Done.

There is no majic spell. Its all game. Start learning it. Either she's attracted or not.

Btw, when you "try", she will most likely tell the others in the group, so pick the woman "you think" might say yes. If you strike out with her, forget the others.
Good luck buddy.

 

[marvinlfloresq]

Calibration comes when you go for something because you want it, rather than need it.

Like, I want an Aston Martin, but I know I don't need one. And I'll be perfectly happy if I have to make do with a Porsche S instead.

The same goes with women. They know we want them and your only job is to make her want you back. But, you know life will go on if they don't. They only get freaked the fck out when a guy seems to need them - completely unnatural.

Nice.

 

[corrector]

The same goes with women. They know we want them and your only job is to make her want you back. But, you know life will go on if they don't. They only get freaked the fck out when a guy seems to need them - completely unnatural.

But if you want something but don't really need it then you won't have sufficient motivation to overcome your own shyness or taking social risks, etc... I mean why even risk rejection and have an otherwise perfectly nice day ruined if you don't really have to do that? Of course life will go on, anyone gets that whether they want or need, in order to avoid the police or real trouble, if the girl feels you are stalking them. Nobody's that stupid on here and can take a hint.

Maybe what you mean is if you are hungry then girl can pick that up, but then you can't help but need something if you haven't been fed in a while. Maybe you are turned-on by that particular girl and you feel alive with her but are not hungry in general.

 

[corrector]

I agree with some of this, but I would stay away from waiting for an IOI. Some girls who are interested won't show IOIs, you could not see an IOI or an IOI to someone else isn't an IOI to you etc...

I don't think so. Maybe you are confusing IOI's with AI's, or a woman throwing themselves on a guy. IOI's can mean a woman looking twice at you or a few times (i.e. not looking at you and then turning away quickly) (i.e. turn away from her and turn back and see if you can catch her staring at you), a lady playing with her hair when you are talking with her, she is going into your personal space in an innocuous type of way that's under radar that you won't notice until after the fact, etc..... I'm sure there are lots of IOIs that can be read. If a woman shows absolutely no IOI's then she's not attracted and it's going to be some strained interaction where she replies with one-liners or "can I help you" type of attitude. A strained interaction is like a soft rejection that's why it's best to wait for some IOI.

 

[marvinlfloresq]

I don't think so. Maybe you are confusing IOI's with AI's, or a woman throwing themselves on a guy. IOI's can mean a woman looking twice at you or a few times (i.e. not looking at you and then turning away quickly) (i.e. turn away from her and turn back and see if you can catch her staring at you), a lady playing with her hair when you are talking with her, she is going into your personal space in an innocuous type of way that's under radar that you won't notice until after the fact, etc..... I'm sure there are lots of IOIs that can be read. If a woman shows absolutely no IOI's then she's not attracted and it's going to be some strained interaction where she replies with one-liners or "can I help you" type of attitude. A strained interaction is like a soft rejection that's why it's best to wait for some IOI.

Yeah, IOI are tricky, but they are quickly easily able to be noted in the "CONTEXT" of the interaction presenting itself -

Asking for your name, what do you do for a living, "holding eye contact", do you live alone, where do you live, "laugh at a joke", always near you, etc.

Women make it easy but its tough being vigilant to de untrained. I still have to be vigilant & observant at all times.

 

[3agle 3yes]

I don't think so. Maybe you are confusing IOI's with AI's, or a woman throwing themselves on a guy. IOI's can mean a woman looking twice at you or a few times (i.e. not looking at you and then turning away quickly) (i.e. turn away from her and turn back and see if you can catch her staring at you), a lady playing with her hair when you are talking with her, she is going into your personal space in an innocuous type of way that's under radar that you won't notice until after the fact, etc..... I'm sure there are lots of IOIs that can be read. If a woman shows absolutely no IOI's then she's not attracted and it's going to be some strained interaction where she replies with one-liners or "can I help you" type of attitude. A strained interaction is like a soft rejection that's why it's best to wait for some IOI.

Let me put it this way. Most guys approach women with the intent to get something from her, this is natural but it’s not the way to go. The goal is to create a “spark”/ a good vibe with the women we find physically attractive. Only after we do this should we get her number...this way she has earned your attraction. I never compliment women on her looks, because if I do she’ll assume I am courting her...and that’s like being in a job interview or being a contestant on x-factor where she’s the judge. You have to like her on a superficial level, where she believes you can walk away if she does something “wrong”.

You shouldn’t be concentrating on whether she likes you (whether she’s showing IOIs) that’s actually her concern. Our concern is whether there’s a good vibe or spark between the two of us. Notice to create a spark you need friction. Coincidently the easiest way to create a spark or good vibe is to act like she already likes you, that way if she says certain things or acts certain ways you can interpret it as her being attracted to you and you can call her out on it. Then you can qualify her, push and pull, act ****y and funny and tease her etc.

 

[corrector]

that way if she says certain things or acts certain ways you can interpret it as her being attracted to you and you can call her out on it. Then you can qualify her, push and pull, act ****y and funny and tease her etc.

Right, and that sounds like an IOI. You have to have information/material in the first place to even make such an interpretation otherwise you'll be like a creep or weirdo to her. Also, depending on the context this could go either way. There are crazy women out there too you don't want to approach. Just because she's physically attractive doesn't mean she's sane.

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

But if you want something but don't really need it then you won't have sufficient motivation to overcome your own shyness or taking social risks, etc... I mean why even risk rejection and have an otherwise perfectly nice day ruined if you don't really have to do that?

That is the glass half empty perspective, and typifies my point.

-Talking to someone is not a 'social risk' unless you're saying weird, inappropriate things, out of context. Look up some videos by Marcus Oakey, regards charisma.
-Why would a so-called 'rejection' from a perfect stranger ruin your day. To be honest man, that has far more to do with your self esteem, than their lack of interest in you (which in essence, is the whole vicious circle in a nutshell).

 

[BeExcellent]

Here's how you do it:

"Hey Shelly, you're cute. We should grab a latte after class"

That's it. She will either make an excuse, decline, or accept. Done. You have your answer.

If she says "sounds great but I have another class after this" then you say "Cool. I like to study at campus Starbucks in the afternoons. Maybe I'll see you round there."

See how relaxed that dialogue is? You make attraction known through a direct approach, you ask for the date, but you are unfazed if she doesn't agree. And you go on about your business.

So you told her she's cute. You have to show attraction/intent in a nonchalant way. You tell her she's cute...you don't gush that she's the most gorgeous thing you've ever seen. See the difference?

 

[3agle 3yes]

Right, and that sounds like an IOI. You have to have information/material in the first place to even make such an interpretation otherwise you'll be like a creep or weirdo to her. Also, depending on the context this could go either way. There are crazy women out there too you don't want to approach. Just because she's physically attractive doesn't mean she's sane.

No it’s not an IOI, whether you take things further shouldn’t be because she shows interest but rather because you now show interest in her , it’s a complete reframe.