Validation and Purpose

[Fruitbat]

So, serious question and well considered replies appreciated.

Having read a lot of Pook, and others, one of the key topics is about not making women the sole focus of your life and the validator of your self-esteem.

Many times we think we have this nailed and only a breakup or rejection can empower waves of self-limiting dejection. Despite all ones efforts, it seems our validation is hard-wired.

Years ago, I had a plate who had to leave to pursue a career in a new city. I felt the pain and so did she as we were very fond of each other. However, we knew it couldn't work.

This, I coped with. However, I noted when I was seeing her, the fear of losing her to another man was absolutely insurmountable. She herself was not what I feared, losing her to another was what I feared.

So, this is an interesting aside. However, the question is:

How do you make your life project the focus and tune out the rest?

Given women offer immortality, is this hardwired into our brains?

How does one develop the perspective to concentrate on goals rather than a harem or a woman?

The irony that the focus on goals creates the harem itself, but what perspectives can lead a man there?

 

[Urbanyst]

I think the mistake a lot of guys make is believing it has to be one or the other.

You can focus on yourself and your goals and still focus on women. There is really nothing wrong with focusing on women. Your penis is not going to suck itself.

I focus on women a lot.. just not to my detriment. If I have to choose between making a woman happy and making myself happy I choose myself. Women come and go.. but you have to live with yourself forever.

Just assume every woman you sleep with will leave eventually no matter what you do. It takes a lot of the pressure off and makes your relationships with them a lot more fun.

 

[Tenacity]

So, serious question and well considered replies appreciated.

Having read a lot of Pook, and others, one of the key topics is about not making women the sole focus of your life and the validator of your self-esteem.

Many times we think we have this nailed and only a breakup or rejection can empower waves of self-limiting dejection. Despite all ones efforts, it seems our validation is hard-wired.

Years ago, I had a plate who had to leave to pursue a career in a new city. I felt the pain and so did she as we were very fond of each other. However, we knew it couldn't work.

This, I coped with. However, I noted when I was seeing her, the fear of losing her to another man was absolutely insurmountable. She herself was not what I feared, losing her to another was what I feared.

So, this is an interesting aside. However, the question is:

How do you make your life project the focus and tune out the rest?

Given women offer immortality, is this hardwired into our brains?

How does one develop the perspective to concentrate on goals rather than a harem or a woman?

The irony that the focus on goals creates the harem itself, but what perspectives can lead a man there?

Well, understand that many on Sosuave/The Manosphere do not describe their true lives, feelings, and responses to things. Many of the guys on here are nothing but cartoon characters living a cartoon lifestyle on the internet that does not reflect their true lives.

With that being said, unless you are a sociopath or psychopath, there's no way in HELL you could be dating anybody for any period of time.....ENJOY the person's company....then once it's over, not feel some sort of way about it. I'm not saying you go into a deep depression over every breakup, but this notion that you aren't supposed to "give a damn", aren't supposed to "have feelings", and you should walk around like James Bond all day.....is just cartoon network stuff.

To live life is to EXPERIENCE life. That means you will experience a variety of emotions from happy, sad, depressed, joyful, etc., etc. Women will make you feel every one of those emotions from time to time and it doesn't make you "AFC" or a loser because you feel them. If a chick breaks your heart, take some time to relax....regroup....then get back out there spinning plates.

But with that being said, this is also why you should think very hard about marriage. As ANY woman can fvck you over or break your heart or cheat/leave you, the problem with marriage is that when the relationship ends.....your financial stability could also end, which is why I don't understand the structures of a marriage contract.

 

[RichardTheFrog]

Inner game. Its not even anything external. Its all iternal. Self value comes with knowing who you are as valuable itself.
Its like when you make somthing and want yo share it with the world.
Build your house on rock...so when the floods come it will not be moved. Its a simple choice.

But it has to be real. Otherwise, it is False Confidence and will break down.

 

[ChristopherColumbus]

This, I coped with. However, I noted when I was seeing her, the fear of losing her to another man was absolutely insurmountable. She herself was not what I feared, losing her to another was what I feared.

So, this is an interesting aside. However, the question is:

How do you make your life project the focus and tune out the rest?

Given women offer immortality, is this hardwired into our brains?

How does one develop the perspective to concentrate on goals rather than a harem or a woman?

The irony that the focus on goals creates the harem itself, but what perspectives can lead a man there?

This comes down to the modern experience of 'love'. I 'interrogate' the word because maybe we don't know what it means.

In 'Classical World, Modern World', Merleau-Ponty speaks of whether the narrator of Proust's work really loves Albertine:

He observes he only wants to be close to her when she is moving away from him and concludes from this that he does not love her. Then once she has disappeared, when he hears of her death and is faced with the certainty of a departure with no return, he thinks that he both needed and loved her... must we conclude that love is this jealous need, but that there is never love but only jealousy and the feeling of being excluded?... so the modern heart is intermittent and does not succeed even in knowing itself.....​

All of this works to the effect of drawing attention to the modern ego... and its limitations. You can chose to ramp up the egoism, or re-think it.

 

[marmel75]

I'm so busy there is no way a woman could ever be the center of my life...I'm a programmer and always have both work projects, side projects for money and an open source project that I am working on, plus going to the gym and going to school for my CS degree...I literally need 36 hours in a day. When you have too much going on, they become an afterthought. Figure out ways to be busier with your life and you will have less time to think of them.

 

[Glassguy]

I think the mistake a lot of guys make is believing it has to be one or the other.

You can focus on yourself and your goals and still focus on women. There is really nothing wrong with focusing on women. Your penis is not going to suck itself.

I focus on women a lot.. just not to my detriment. If I have to choose between making a woman happy and making myself happy I choose myself. Women come and go.. but you have to live with yourself forever.

Just assume every woman you sleep with will leave eventually no matter what you do. It takes a lot of the pressure off and makes your relationships with them a lot more fun.

I have found that if you build a frame that ATTRACTS women, it takes much less time and effort to BE with women. Less time is less effort. Less effort means less investment. Less investment means less work and less time spent. All the while still getting what YOU want (more women).

When your frame is not naturally attracting women, far too much work and time is involved chasing women and trying to sell yourself outwardly to impress them. It's frustrating and tiresome. You don't have the majority of control.

When you get them coming to you, the game is much easier and rewarding. Plus it leaves much more needed time for the other important things in life.

Focus on improving your own frame to work for you with women. It's the only factor within your total control anyways.

 

[Trump]

This, I coped with. However, I noted when I was seeing her, the fear of losing her to another man was absolutely insurmountable. She herself was not what I feared, losing her to another was what I feared.

What if you lost her to another woman?

So, this is an interesting aside. However, the question is:

How do you make your life project the focus and tune out the rest?

Given women offer immortality, is this hardwired into our brains?

How does one develop the perspective to concentrate on goals rather than a harem or a woman?

The irony that the focus on goals creates the harem itself, but what perspectives can lead a man there?

You have to do your own thing and have her come along for the ride. Have fun in other aspects of your life.

Put yourself under some pressure, i.e.; work, school, loans, you will forget girls even exist.

 

[zekko]

Everyone always says validation should come from within. It's true that a person needs to have a sense of self worth that is independent of what others might say about you. But guys will naturally desire some sort of validation from females. The guys who claim they don't need it the most are probably the ones who get the most. And I'm not saying the not needing it creates the validation, I'm saying that if they didn't have that validation they would likely be missing it.

The other thing is that focusing on other goals does not necessarily create harems. It may, but that depends on a large number of factors. We've all heard tales of engineers who focus on their career but their line of work doesn't bring them into contact with many women, and they end up wondering how to meet them. So I don't think that focusing on other goals will always result in women.

Self-validation and focusing on life goals are important, but there has to be some balance in place for things to work. Like Urbanyst said, you can focus on yourself and still focus on women.

 

[Tenacity]

Everyone always says validation should come from within. It's true that a person needs to have a sense of self worth that is independent of what others might say about you. But guys will naturally desire some sort of validation from females. The guys who claim they don't need it the most are probably the ones who get the most. And I'm not saying the not needing it creates the validation, I'm saying that if they didn't have that validation they would likely be missing it.

Thank you.

The other thing is that focusing on other goals does not necessarily create harems. It may, but that depends on a large number of factors. We've all heard tales of engineers who focus on their career but their line of work doesn't bring them into contact with many women, and they end up wondering how to meet them. So I don't think that focusing on other goals will always result in women.

Thank you.

Self-validation and focusing on life goals are important, but there has to be some balance in place for things to work. Like Urbanyst said, you can focus on yourself and still focus on women.

It's like I've pointed out before, there's way too many cartoon characters on this website, operating in an internet cartoon bubble. Every time a guy has a "problem" with women or a particular woman, the cartoon characters always "recommend" the same crap:

* Go lift weights
* Go focus on making money

Lifting weights ONLY addresses the problem related to health and fitness. Making money ONLY addresses the problem of living paycheck to paycheck and having some sort of financial instability. While being fit and having money "helps" with your attraction, neither FULLY addresses the problem of:

- How to speak to women
- How to approach women
- How to find women
- How to connect with women
- How to fvck women
- How to manage plates
- Rather or not to get married
- Rather or not to make kids

Dealing with women is a separate issue that requires a separate process. Thus, if a guy is having issues related to women, the LAST thing he wants to do is turn away from focusing on the specific issue, and focusing on something completely irrelevant to the issue he is having.

 

[sosousage]

1. money
2. some clothes and haircut + maybe other things
3. lift weights
4. socialise, use FB or something to have contact with girls so they can see you are popular

 

[ubercat]

Mate if u want to know about LTR game I thoroughly recommend practical female psychology for the practical man.

If you want to know about being your own man while keeping a girlfriend hanging around and providing emotional fluctuation you could check out my old posts. Not only because of my vast wisdom but I have linked to a lot of useful threads as well.

And yeah you may have made a few mistakes but big deal it also depends on the quality of the girl. You might have done everything perfectly and it still went tits up.

If her interest level is high enough she might still come around and if she doesn't well she isn't the girl for you next.

 

[Fruitbat]

Mate if u want to know about LTR game I thoroughly recommend practical female psychology for the practical man.

If you want to know about being your own man while keeping a girlfriend hanging around and providing emotional fluctuation you could check out my old posts. Not only because of my vast wisdom but I have linked to a lot of useful threads as well.

And yeah you may have made a few mistakes but big deal it also depends on the quality of the girl. You might have done everything perfectly and it still went tits up.

If her interest level is high enough she might still come around and if she doesn't well she isn't the girl for you next.

Got to be honest, a hell of a lot of that book I already know but the HSE/LSE bit has been interesting and encouraging.

 

[ubercat]

Hmm there s knowing and then there s doing. Until u ve come back to a good book many different times you don't know it. Everytime I revisit a classic book I learn more because my understanding has improved. In the English tradition it's called knowing your craft.

 

[marmel75]

Got to be honest, a hell of a lot of that book I already know but the HSE/LSE bit has been interesting and encouraging.

Knowing and actually putting into practice effectively and properly are two completely different things.

A lot of doctors "know" not to smoke but they do anyway.

 

[Urbanyst]

I have found that if you build a frame that ATTRACTS women, it takes much less time and effort to BE with women. Less time is less effort. Less effort means less investment. Less investment means less work and less time spent. All the while still getting what YOU want (more women).

When your frame is not naturally attracting women, far too much work and time is involved chasing women and trying to sell yourself outwardly to impress them. It's frustrating and tiresome. You don't have the majority of control.

When you get them coming to you, the game is much easier and rewarding. Plus it leaves much more needed time for the other important things in life.

Focus on improving your own frame to work for you with women. It's the only factor within your total control anyways.

What do you mean "build a frame that attracts women"?

VALUE attracts women. Period.

 

[Glassguy]

What do you mean "build a frame that attracts women"?

VALUE attracts women. Period.

I agree 100% with that but value has many components. Personality, attitude, self respect, finances, social status, etc. All of those things effect "value". The more of those things you have of each the higher the value. Women come to higher value naturally.

You can't just go out and get value. You can however improve on each component and increase it.

 

[Fruitbat]

Hmm, I know a deadbeat call centre worker who bags a LOT of pvssy.

Value is massively subjective. It's he who makes me think game is a big thing.

However, he cannot keep these girls and his LTRs are car crashes.

 

[RichardTheFrog]

Hmm, I know a deadbeat call centre worker who bags a LOT of pvssy.

Value is massively subjective. It's he who makes me think game is a big thing.

However, he cannot keep these girls and his LTRs are car crashes.

How does he do it?

 

[Fruitbat]

How does he do it?

Good looking and good talker