The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[BlueAlpha1]

Must admit that I told a lie. My ex is in fact German. I said she was French in order to protect my anonymity and in case she was stalking the forums as she's aware I post on SS.

She's in Germany now, but her family is in the North. Munich, where the recent terrorist attack is happening is in the South. Her brother is also a police officer in Hamburg (north) so I'm not sure how he'll be affected. I don't want to break NC but would it be damaging to my recovery if I asked a mutual acquaintance to check to see if everything was alright over there and if her and her family are safe?

Dude, stop. You're looking for EVERY excuse to get back in touch. You even said you'd be willing to take her back after the 60 day "challenge" is up.

I feel you on the pain, but being in pain and breaking NC are very different things. It would be foolish. On the 0.00001% chance she was or knew a victim, you'll hear the name on the news.

 

[BeTheChange]

Dude, stop. You're looking for EVERY excuse to get back in touch. You even said you'd be willing to take her back after the 60 day "challenge" is up.

I feel you on the pain, but being in pain and breaking NC are very different things. It would be foolish. On the 0.00001% chance she was or knew a victim, you'll hear the name on the news.

Yeah I know. And I never said I would be willing to get back in touch after 60 days in the sense of being the one to reach out because I need to know that as a man I can survive without her. Only that I would be open to contact IF she continued to pursue me after this 60 day period - something I dont think is likely.

Anyway I took a shower, knocked one out and then realised it would have been a bad idea. Just a junkie gone cold turkey trying to justify seeing his dealer again. Onwards.

 

[BlueAlpha1]

Only that I would be open to contact IF she continued to pursue me after this 60 day period - something I dont think is likely.

And this is akin to trying to find something to eat in the garbage can. She dumped you. Never talk to her again.

 

[BeTheChange]

And this is akin to trying to find something to eat in the garbage can. She dumped you. Never talk to her again.

I dumped her but still...semantics. Her behaviour gave me no choice.

 

[Firestar786]

What was her behaviour if you don't mind me asking ?

 

[BeTheChange]

What was her behaviour if you don't mind me asking ?

I'm not at a stage where I'm ready to contextualise it (was an assh*le bf) but here it is in all its glory:

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/index....-just-got-dumped.160056/page-476#post-2352706

 

[BigD80]

So I have been in a long distance relationship since 6 months, She lives in California, I am in Germany.
We met on tinder while we were both in Spain. The only reason she had installed it, she told me, to find a local to spend new years rve with. After that we were chatting and talking on the phone every day for hours until I first met her in early February.
When I met her I saw she still had tinder installed but I never said anything. After all it's her privacy and I trusted her.
I kept tinder on my phone but didn't use it until she started fighting me about some pictures of my ex that she found on my facebook. Ever since she starts fights every 2 or 3 days. I became very frustrated over this, plus I thought she will break up any time. So I started using tinder out of frustration/anxiety.
We kept making plans and met again in march. Then in April she visits me in Germany for 2 days.
Then a month later she comes to Germany for two weeks. One of the weeks we spent in Barcelona, were we met. She acted weird and finally told me that she had someone hacking into my phone and knows that I am using tinder. She gave me details about a match I had back in February. She had screenshots of the chat. I contacted this girl with the same line I contacted her in December. She only replied with : It goes.
I never replied until like 3 months later when I randomly wrote: and? Does it still go?
I never had any intentions to meet her neither did she. It was only out of boredom.
So my girlfriend found out everything and told me that she is apparently not enough for me and she can’t compete with all those girls.
She says she is just a replacement for this year and soon she will be nexted for one of my other girls. she says she would normally walk away just like she did with other guys in the past but she can't get away from me. She cried a lot. Supposedly she cries every day. She knew that I am on tinder since march (supposedly). I told her I was using it because I felt rejected by her constant fights over my ex.
I told her it was a way for me to distract myself from the fights with her. But here is the kicker....in april she sent me a screenshot of her phone desktop and I noticed the tinder icon (the one that appears when you receive a message, not the actual icon for the app) in the corner of her desktop.
It means she received a message but even when I saw this I didn't say anything. She said she kept it installed to keep our first chat when we first met. She also said, the differences that I actually initiated chats with women.
So anyway. In march i broke up with her at the airport after she stormed out of the hotel room. She sneaked into my phone and found an old picture of my ex that i had totally forgotten about. She called me back immediately while i was sitting in the plane. Connstatly crying and telling me she lives me.
So 4 days ago she confronted me about all the women in my blocked list on facebook. She sneaked into that too. Those were women i was chatting with before her. One of them was in January though and i told her.
We hung up and she messages me it's over. I said i am sorry that she feels that way and went into NC. She started calling about 15 hours later but i didn't pick up. Yesterday she texts me asking if i am ok because of the shooting in munich. I responded 15 hours later saying: "i am ok. After all munich is 300 miles away from me"
She responded immediately. And tried calling. For her it's 4 AM at this time.
She writes:
so, Daniel, I've called several times... I don't like to call you so this is a big deal to me. I just want to talk. I'm not upset and I'm not emotional... but I also haven't heard from you in 4 days now, so I take it that you've moved on or are busy swiping away. I'm not angry, I'm extremely hurt and had somethings I wanted to say."

I also noticed that she changed her profile picture on whatsapp to one of us in barcelona. She must have done this the past few hours ago. I really start to think this was a false alarm break up to generate some kind of reaction or to test me.

I am now considering to answer her next phone call. Would that be advisable? What do you guys think? Is it too early? What should i tell her?

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 10

Lots to keep me busy today and over the next week until I fly away to Italy at the end of this month. Even though I've taken annual leave now I'll be working on my side business until I travel.

Still feeling a little bit downhearted. Probably normal given I'm only ten days in. Can't pretend I don't miss her or want her to at least tell me she seen the light, will change and wants me back. It's an unrealistic expectation and the latter is probably an ego thing. Doesn't make it any easier to deal with though.

I can't really explain. It feels like a hole somewhere that can't be filled no matter how I try and distract myself.

 

[Gaysha]

Day 34.

So funny thing happened.
When I started the NC, I blocked her everywhere (dating site where we met, facebook, whatsapp). I also blocked her new girlfriend on that dating site which also has a forum (they put that they are in a relationship with each other).
Blocking her was a great move because it helps me heal faster. I have friends on that site, and one of them sent me a screenshot how my ex in a thread called "I want to tell you..." wrote "I can't believe that you are still blocking me."
Well, that was stupid because I can't see her posts but maybe she though how my friends will probably see it and show me. I just started laughing.
Go and enjoy your new relationship, honey. I still love you but I don't want you back.

 

[BeTheChange]

@Gaysha

Well done! Must be a great feeling!

 

[Asmodeus]

So I have been in a long distance relationship since 6 months, She lives in California, I am in Germany.
We met on tinder while we were both in Spain. The only reason she had installed it, she told me, to find a local to spend new years rve with. After that we were chatting and talking on the phone every day for hours until I first met her in early February.
When I met her I saw she still had tinder installed but I never said anything. After all it's her privacy and I trusted her.
I kept tinder on my phone but didn't use it until she started fighting me about some pictures of my ex that she found on my facebook. Ever since she starts fights every 2 or 3 days. I became very frustrated over this, plus I thought she will break up any time. So I started using tinder out of frustration/anxiety.
We kept making plans and met again in march. Then in April she visits me in Germany for 2 days.
Then a month later she comes to Germany for two weeks. One of the weeks we spent in Barcelona, were we met. She acted weird and finally told me that she had someone hacking into my phone and knows that I am using tinder. She gave me details about a match I had back in February. She had screenshots of the chat. I contacted this girl with the same line I contacted her in December. She only replied with : It goes.
I never replied until like 3 months later when I randomly wrote: and? Does it still go?
I never had any intentions to meet her neither did she. It was only out of boredom.
So my girlfriend found out everything and told me that she is apparently not enough for me and she can’t compete with all those girls.
She says she is just a replacement for this year and soon she will be nexted for one of my other girls. she says she would normally walk away just like she did with other guys in the past but she can't get away from me. She cried a lot. Supposedly she cries every day. She knew that I am on tinder since march (supposedly). I told her I was using it because I felt rejected by her constant fights over my ex.
I told her it was a way for me to distract myself from the fights with her. But here is the kicker....in april she sent me a screenshot of her phone desktop and I noticed the tinder icon (the one that appears when you receive a message, not the actual icon for the app) in the corner of her desktop.
It means she received a message but even when I saw this I didn't say anything. She said she kept it installed to keep our first chat when we first met. She also said, the differences that I actually initiated chats with women.
So anyway. In march i broke up with her at the airport after she stormed out of the hotel room. She sneaked into my phone and found an old picture of my ex that i had totally forgotten about. She called me back immediately while i was sitting in the plane. Connstatly crying and telling me she lives me.
So 4 days ago she confronted me about all the women in my blocked list on facebook. She sneaked into that too. Those were women i was chatting with before her. One of them was in January though and i told her.
We hung up and she messages me it's over. I said i am sorry that she feels that way and went into NC. She started calling about 15 hours later but i didn't pick up. Yesterday she texts me asking if i am ok because of the shooting in munich. I responded 15 hours later saying: "i am ok. After all munich is 300 miles away from me"
She responded immediately. And tried calling. For her it's 4 AM at this time.
She writes:
so, Daniel, I've called several times... I don't like to call you so this is a big deal to me. I just want to talk. I'm not upset and I'm not emotional... but I also haven't heard from you in 4 days now, so I take it that you've moved on or are busy swiping away. I'm not angry, I'm extremely hurt and had somethings I wanted to say."

I also noticed that she changed her profile picture on whatsapp to one of us in barcelona. She must have done this the past few hours ago. I really start to think this was a false alarm break up to generate some kind of reaction or to test me.

I am now considering to answer her next phone call. Would that be advisable? What do you guys think? Is it too early? What should i tell her?

What?
This girl hacks your phone, hacks your facebook, then hacks your phone again. Has a total fit about you using Tinder when she herself is using it. Has constant fighting with you over some senseless stuff...

Is this honestly the kind of relationship you want for yourself? I thought relationships are based on mutual trust and understanding...

 

[Firestar786]

Be the change - I read that whole post bro

Proper disgusting behaviour her end.

You obviously are an educated. articulate person who's life is going well.

My rule is when I end with a woman, **** 5 other women and see what feelings you have for the first.

As for the police incident, if she's that psycho to call the coopers then please **** her. An ex of mine done that to me and I totally dumped her arse.

Besides that in in the UK and you wanna shout out at me let me know

 

[dustmuffin]

I don't know what day it is but its been over a year. I still miss her. Im a big p ussy. I have a date tonight with sure p ussy. I have a date tomorrow too. I can pull all sorts of women whenever I want....but I still miss her.

Had some of the best sex last week I have ever had. I went a little overboard and fisted her. She liked it at the time but I scratched the inside of her *****. She said no ty to any further dates. Note to self.....fisting might not be a good idea. Anyway that was a downer becasue I was looking forward to fuc king her in the ass again. She loved it. There are more women out there like her I just have to find them.

I still don't know why I miss my ex. The sex was bad but I enjoyed her companionship immensely. She has tons of red flags. I should be happy she is gone. This is just a little bump in the road. I will improve with time. I have already made great strides.

On a side note my oldest joined the national guard on friday. His mos is heat and air. He will be in the rear....a good place for him.

 

[BigD80]

What?
This girl hacks your phone, hacks your facebook, then hacks your phone again. Has a total fit about you using Tinder when she herself is using it. Has constant fighting with you over some senseless stuff...

Is this honestly the kind of relationship you want for yourself? I thought relationships are based on mutual trust and understanding...

I know and i told her that. She swears up and down she kept it only to keep our chat conversation...how it all started. She celebrates our relationship. Has been single since 14 years. I believe her. So today she called and i picked up. We talked for 3 hours and she cried. She said i just dont care. I moved on already. She knows i would have never called and probably already went to one of my other women....enila....emma...jenny and who else...all my tinderonis....so in her opinion i didn't give a **** because she is replaceble...
She said she cant go on like this anymore. I said. Ok alright. She is like: ok alright? That's it? You know what i expected? I was hoping you gonna tell me: baby i love you please dont go. Lets try this. I need you in my life.

I was like: mmhhhh ok.

She is like: see daniel. You don't give a ****. You have all those girls and i was never the one. I was only a placeholder until you find the next one. You dont want me.
Me: but i want you. So.....did you look at planetickets for September?

Her:mhhh yea. I saw one...
Blah blah

Basically i ignored her and just continued with the planning. Then she told me about how she plans her ftiends wedding and how they got drunk at the bar when she was crying to her about me not contacting her and just dissappearing for days to look for new women. We talked and laughed like nothinh happened and talked about when she comes to germany....then she switched again to talking about my ex and that i can still go back to her because i loved her so much ( i didn't) and how i was deep.inside of my ex and carresssed her everynight. Again she said she wished I would have chased her after she broke up 4 days ago.
Her: i give you a chance here and all you have to say is alright ok? I am serious i will never contact you again.
Me: ok alright...silence.
Ok daniel. I guess i was right. You dont care.
I need somebody who really loves me and tells me that everyday (a beta?)
So anyway. Then at one point she made me mad because she said she will not come to germany so i hung up. 5 minutes later she calls again and we talk again. Half an hour later she books the ticket. We keep talking fo another 2 hours. She didn't show up at work and instead asks if she should go in the shower to 'powerwash' ( masturbate with the shower head) i said ' sure' and we have phone sex....afterwards she gets ready to go to the funk fest in santa ana. So yes. The NC was a success in my case. After just 4 days...

Sorry for my typos. I am typing fast..

 

[Gaysha]

It was a great feeling seeing what she wrote, this is a first of that kind since starting NC.
The thing is - I still keep her blocked because it hurts knowing she has someone else. It would be much different if she hadn't jump into a new relationship, I would at least feel like I meant something to her. I was so easily replaced. What does she want? She wants me to unblock her and be a part of her audience for her posts on that dating site/forum? She wants me to watch how she wrote that she is in a relationship with her? We didn't break up 2 years ago, we broke up 2 months ago. It's hard.
But she just doesn't get it. She saw she lost my attention and now wants it back.
I am not unblocking her, I won't respond to her post, I won't be weak. It will send her a message I don't need her in my life and that I'm better off.
If her life is so great now with new girlfriend, why would she write something indirectly for me?
She just doesn't get a thing here. I'm moving on, I'm doing great. I won't ruin it.

In a hypothetical situation, if we talked now, I would probably tell her it hurts knowing she has someone else. And I don't want to be telling her that. I want to reach the state when I'll be able to say "You are now a part of my past. I am not interested in anything you want to tell me about your life. I have nothing in common with you anymore. Wish you all the best."

If she had enough insight in human behaviour, she would have known that me blocking her was because I'm in pain, that it's a defense mechanism.

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 11

@Gaysha

One thing I've realised about this whole thing is how universal the branch swinging is. Almost all of us in this thread have had this happen, often within a VERY short space of time post break up.

Here's something very important to remember. She knows what she is doing and does not care. I tried to do the same thing. Explain away the behaviour. Don't bother. You can't explain it because when you do, you try and look at it from how YOU would behave. These women are functioning on a completely different moral landscape to you and I. Never once did my ex accept responsibility for any of the horrible things she did in and out of our relationship. Even when she gave her faux apologies, eventually her true beliefs would come to light - that it was all my fault apparently. Which is why she could go out clvbbing with 2 guys she'd been texting, literally hours after I grew suspicious of her behaviour, asked to see her phone and then dvmped her when she refused to show me. Normal people don't function like this man.I would think "Hmm, she's found out I was entertaining orbiters (or worse), I feel bad...I'll give her a day to cool down and then apologise". She thinks "fvck him it was his fault anyway. I did this because heeeeee hurt me. May as well have some fun tonight" It's pathological. My ex is deranged and your ex also seems to have similar moral / mental deficiencies.

They absolutely know how much it hurts you. Don't spend a single moment more of emotional energy pondering her psychotic behaviour. A part of you still clings on to the idea of you two reconciling which is why you are attempting this psychological schema that turns her faults into virtues. She is simply a "victim of circumstances". All she was doing was "trying to mend a broken heart" Its bullsh*t. My mind is doing the same thing but everyday I go through NC the power of this delusion weakens and is replaced with another growing realisation - that she was an EVIL FVCKING PERSON. Remember a few days ago when I was in the bargaining stage? Thankfully that mindset is slowly beginning to pass. This is why NC is so vital and you are doing great so far. Make sure you keep it up.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I had a dream last night that my ex and I reconciled, when I woke up and realised it wasn't real I didn't get that sinking feeling in my stomach as you might expect. I simply got up and went about my day. As you can see from above I am realising that reconciliation in the short term (and possibly in the long term / forever) is not an option anymore. I won't allow myself to fall into such company again.

I did have a couple of pangs of sadness last night where I "wanted" my ex. The cure seems to be masturbation (lol). That nut really provides you with perspective.

I wrote down a list of the things I want to own or have accomplished by the end of the 60 days as the focus should always be in you and not the ex

1. On my way to eliminating the anger and dealing with impulse control - self help books and therapy (to start on day 31)
2. Intermediate Spanish speaker - finish the Pimsleur method and start Platiquemos
3. Improver / Intermediate level for Salsa
4. Rolex GMT Master II
5. Emerging side business - ideally in a position where I can extract a salary/dividends of c $3,000 a month
6. New job or on path to building a solid rep with current company (ideally with a promotion in hand)
7. Few more lbs of muscle
8. New chick(s)
9. Larger social circle
10. Better wardrobe and grooming (e.g. getting my teeth sorted)
11. More well read

 

[Gaysha]

"She knows what she is doing and does not care. I tried to do the same thing. Explain away the behaviour. Don't bother. You can't explain it because when you do, you try and look at it from how YOU would behave. These women are functioning on a completely different moral landscape to you and I. Never once did my ex accept responsibility for any of the horrible things she did in and out of our relationship. Even when she gave her faux apologies, eventually her true beliefs would come to light - that it was all my fault apparently.
They absolutely know how much it hurts you."

Yes, this is it! They know it hurts us but they don't care. They've never been in this situation, they can't imagine it. They think they deserve attention and that they didn't do anything wrong.
When we broke up, it was because she wasn't ready to change for the better (I told her what she was doing wrong). 2 weeks later she's saying how it's all my fault, how I didn't trust her blabla. But she gave me reasons not to trust her, she didn't know how to keep her word.

We deserve better than this.

 

[BeTheChange]

Up and down again today. Felt great this morning and afternoon. More new potential business coming in and browsing for rolex watches put me in a good mood. Then slumped later in the day due to missing my ex.

Message to my future self at day 60.

Well done bro! Do not discount the fact this a mountain you've climbed. Yes you've had to overcome much worse obstacles in life but this was still an achievement and something you should be proud of - it wasn't easy to stay strong through all the emotional fluctuations - after all three years is a long time. You made me proud!

 

[BeTheChange]

Salsa heals the soul. Great vibe. Vibrant music. Cool guys. Women from all countries of the world hotter than my ex. What's not to love?

Every single time I go to Salsa I'm reminded of how positive an experience it has been for my recovery. Where have you been all my life!

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 12

Quite a symbolic day as 12 days is the longest we've ever been without speaking - when we broke up last year in March she went 11 days before contacting me and trying to reconcile the relationship. I'm about half way there to truly accepting that the relationship is completely over. I think I'll be fully there by day 30.

Two quotes that are close to me at the moment, from this thread, and that I remind myself of as much as I can:

"Indifference will hurt more than anything else. The best revenge is a life well lived without her in it"

This is what is driving me to WIN at life at present. Not going to lie. Right now, there is no image sweeter than the thought of her seeing me a few months from now in a nice car with the top down, left hand on the steering wheel, Rolex on my wrist, a hot chick to the left of me, and a big smile on my face. The thought of her regret knowing that she "let a good one get away". That I'm finally healed, finally fixed, finally a well adjusted guy and now she CAN'T benefit from that. Yep! Makes me feel good. It would take one hell of rebound relationship for her to not be affected by something like that. And in her crazy moments this woman has told me to my face if she can't have me she doesn't want anyone else to have me; that she'll "either destroy me or destroy herself" (looks like she opted for me!).

I remember previous relationships and oneitises, back in my AFC days. If I saw them now I would have no care for them whatsoever. I thought they were the BEST girls in the world. Now I see them for what they are. Normal women....I can't wait until I feel that way about my ex. You think your loss is the worse thing in the world...until something better comes along. I'm more attractive and successful than I've ever been in my life. I know once I fix myself I will be able to find someone better than my ex. Even if my ex is BPD (and if she is, I don't believe its extreme) she still "loved" me as much as someone of her psyche is capable of and I think long term this will affect her more than me even with all the rebound guy(s) she has at her disposal.


"Be free to get mad, but don't send her your anger. She must never know she had that power over you"

I can honestly say in the grander scheme of things I never messed up the pre-breakup frame. I only faltered on day 1, just before implementing NC. I basically phoned her repeatedly, after kicking her out my place. She hung up almost every time and when I did speak to her she was rude as hell and I just took it because I felt bad about kicking her out. I also threatened to tell her Dad about her coming back over if she tried to see me again. That was my one weak move (ultimatums come from a position of weakness) and I relented. Then I invited her back over and when she was reluctant I kind of had this mini epiphany and just said "Look, doesn't matter what happens. No-one speaks to me like that, least of all someone who has done what you've done. So I owe it to myself as a man to put the phone down now". And I hung up. Haven't heard from her since nor have I contacted her. No chasing, no emails, no calls, no "I want you backs". Nothing. Not many guys can say this. And it gives me strength that I walked away on my feet and not on my knees.