My online dating profile write-up...

[GtarPlayr73]

Hey guys. I need your mature feedback on a write-up i've written for my online dating profile. I haven't made my profile viewable yet as i want to perfect it first. Bear in mind that i am a laid-back and indoorsy introvert, a musician, an artist, and a writer with interests in history, philosophy, culture, etc. I've tailored the write-up to resonate with women who are of similar mind and temperment who can give me the kind of mental connection and stimulating convo i need. I'm not trying to be some flash DJ as that's not my style. I want to weed out women who are shallow, superficial, partiers, clubbers, etc. So keep all that in mind as you read. Thanks...

"I’m an introverted man looking to share a passionate and thoughtful inner world with a woman of similar mind and spirit. A true Gemini, I combine an artistic impulse with an enormous curiosity for the world in all of its variety, beauty, and endless capacity to fascinate. I regard each new day as an opportunity for personal improvement, greater understanding, and new sensory experiences. I’m seeking a woman who shares this same exploratory impulse, this same sense of wonder, this same desire for newness. Someone who confidently thinks, lives, and feels outside the box and even goes against the grain, when it matters. Someone who prefers quality over quantity in her friendships. I desire a feeler AND a thinker in a woman who balances passionate feeling with sensible and intellectual thinking. Lastly, and this is crucial, I seek a woman who wants to travel the world every bit as much as I do. If all of what I seek resonates within you, then step forward and be that stimulating conversationalist, that exploring sensual partner, and that traveling companion on the other end of a deep and meaningful connection...with me".

 

[speakeasy]

I like it overall. Your personality sounds a lot like mine. I would leave off the "I'm an introverted man.." at the very beginning, only because so many in society have a negative association with the world, just as they do with the word "shy". I might also suggest that you work some "playfulness" into your profile, it's good in the description of what you want, but sorta comes off almost too well written.

 

[Bonhomme]

I like it. Upbeat enough, sets things straight out without trying too hard.

My only suggestion is to break it into a few paragraphs for readability, if the form will let you (some are funny with paragraphs).

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

You definitely sound like an introvert, very introspective. That's why your profile doesn't really spark much attention.

The things that you describe about yourself is good on a metaphysical level, in other words it sounds like a dream. How do you incorporate that into your daily life? How are you artistic? What about the world fascinates you? Where would you like to go during a travel adventure with a woman? What would you do?

Right now your profile lacks the substance that would allow a woman to truly picture herself being with you. Also, without giving a woman specific things to comment on from your profile, you make it difficult for them to find something easy to reply to.

 

[DJDamage]

I want to weed out women who are shallow, superficial, partiers, clubbers,

You can't weed them out based on what you write in your profile. All women share those personalities to some extend (you just described above) in some level or another. You will need to go out with them and then see them for who they really are.

Let me give you another tip: whatever you just wrote on your profile is irrelevent. The pretty women you are after on a dating site are also sought after by hundreds of other men. Therefore a woman will concentrate on 3 things when she looks at your profile before she clicks onto the next one:

1) Your picture: the better looking you are, the less things you need to write in your profile to pique her interest, the picture does all the talking. If you have a picture of you doing sports and showing your physique then you will get more hits.

2) Your job: I don't have to tell you that the more money you make in that job, the more hits you will get.

3) What do you do for fun: You will get more hits if you say you are a musician, you travel alot, and you like to go out to a club or bar at night.

 

[GtarPlayr73]

Francisco...THANK YOU for addressing the very thing i was concerned about! I was re-reading the write-up last night and today and i thought...how does this translate to everyday life - the stuff that relationship are made of? Good points also, DJD. Glad i didn't go public yet and checked with you guys first!

I have struggled to find a way to depict myself in such relatable terms. Perhaps focus on activities that i can share with a woman? The thing is that i am an intellectual and cosmopolitan. I'm not very action-oriented. My free time consists of reading, writing an extensive journal (thoughts, philosophy, observations) smoking fine cigars, watching movies, watching documentaries, playing guitar and bass, recording music, drawing and painting (mainly digitally - Corel Painter), working out, dining out, spending time at cafes and bookstores. (I could start going to more shows and concerts). I don't do bars and clubs. Just too loud and crowded for me. Quiet lounges and pubs are fine. I don't do "outdoors" stuff like sports, camping, hiking, kayaking, etc. My outdoors activities are mainly limited to walks and roadtrips - both of which are great work well with women. So for dating, I've got: movies, theater, cafes, dining out, watching stuff at home, cooking, local travel, and talking. Intelligent convo on a wide variety of topics is CRUCIAL for me. I need to get this across. And i really want to travel the world and i figure if i meet a woman who shares the same intense desire and KNOWS a lot about other cultures, then she's really ahead of the rest on that one point alone.

What about describing my personality? I didn't do that in the first draft. I'm pretty serious (read: thoughtful and reflective), but can be witty and bubbly when the chemistry is right. Guess i'll mention that. I'm also enthusiastic about matters that interest me. I'm observant and perceptive. I take time to arrive at opinions as i don't want to speak out of ignorance. I love the sensitivity and passion of playing guitar and bass and the craft of recording. I'll mention that. Any way to promote my introversion? I don't want to attract extroverts who will end up being incompatible with my lifestyle. Past relationships have taught me that.

Well, i think i'm already getting a good idea now of what the re-write should be. Perhaps, i should start off with maybe one or two sentences on abstractions such as wonder and exploring this world (or maybe that's just so much cheese and doesn't accomplish anything), then describe my personality as in the above para. Then list activities i enjoy and want to share. Then describe what i'm looking for in a woman, OR i could just say "if this sounds like a good time for you, then..." or "if this resonates with you" or something like that.

One last thing: photos. Being introverted, i just don't have a lot of pics of me with other people and i know how important this is for conveying social proof. All the pics i have of me with others are from years ago. I have a ton of decent self-taken photos, but they're all obvious "web cam" shots. The quality isn't bad, it's just that they show me in my bedroom in less than bright lighting. One or two of them are really good, though. I posted some on hotornot to test and got rankings of around 7.5. My sis (who lives 5 hours away) took some high quality outdoor shots, but they looked posed and my hair was less than ideal. So my plan is to post one good head shot and then post some pics of friends and family and some paintings i did...

 

[speakeasy]

You definitely sound like an introvert, very introspective. That's why your profile doesn't really spark much attention.

The things that you describe about yourself is good on a metaphysical level, in other words it sounds like a dream. How do you incorporate that into your daily life? How are you artistic? What about the world fascinates you? Where would you like to go during a travel adventure with a woman? What would you do?

Right now your profile lacks the substance that would allow a woman to truly picture herself being with you. Also, without giving a woman specific things to comment on from your profile, you make it difficult for them to find something easy to reply to.

You are right. Women tend to be sensual and things that appeal to the senses and not the mind are what reels them in. Most women anyway. So Guitar Player should definitely expand upon those interests he has and convey them in a way that is sensual. Also write your profile in such a way that sounds like you are having a conversation with the person reading it. "When YOU really get to know me...I will show YOU how that I....blah blah". It's much more engaging. There is nothing really engaging about your profile. It's good in a sense that you are dude that knows what he's looking for in a woman and I'm sure you'll meet some chics with it as it, but tweaking the conversational style of the writing will still improve your odds. This is all a numbers game and you might as well make sure it's top notch. A good writer knows how the draw the reader in and create rapport with them through his words, even someone he doesn't know. So when you do your next draft, think rapport and engage her and be more sensual about the writing style.

Looking forward to your next re-write.

 

[speakeasy]

By the way, check out this dude's profile:
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=3957751

While it's just a myspace profile and not a dating one, I think it's pretty written pretty damn well and there are lessons to be learn when you dissect it. He comes across as a cool easy going guy, but perhaps with a mysterious, bad boy side to him that women will find appealing. He's also involved in music as well.

He must be doing something right because I've seen a ****load of hotties leaving him comments in the past.

 

[Sinistar]

"I’m an introverted man looking to share a passionate and thoughtful inner world with a woman of similar mind and spirit. A true Gemini, I combine an artistic impulse with an enormous curiosity for the world in all of its variety, beauty, and endless capacity to fascinate. I regard each new day as an opportunity for personal improvement, greater understanding, and new sensory experiences. I’m seeking a woman who shares this same exploratory impulse, this same sense of wonder, this same desire for newness. Someone who confidently thinks, lives, and feels outside the box and even goes against the grain, when it matters. Someone who prefers quality over quantity in her friendships. I desire a feeler AND a thinker in a woman who balances passionate feeling with sensible and intellectual thinking. Lastly, and this is crucial, I seek a woman who wants to travel the world every bit as much as I do. If all of what I seek resonates within you, then step forward and be that stimulating conversationalist, that exploring sensual partner, and that traveling companion on the other end of a deep and meaningful connection...with me".

I gotta be honest dude (IMHO) it sounds like something a woman would write (ie feminine tone). I understand what you're going for but this will probably land you EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE of what you are looking for.

I'd recommend something shorter and to the point. I think DJDamage is on the right track here. Also watch your frame. The underlined stuff (see above) knocks you out of your own frame (ie assumes she's doing the selection). Why not start by being honest with yourself and writing down on paper what you really want. For example:

1.) Extremely Attractive Hot Babe
2.) Someone closer to my age or younger
3.) No kids
4.) No addicts or abusers
5.) Healthy value systems
6.) Someone with a decent career and no debt
7.) Someone who has healthy friends and family
8.) Someone with their own hobbies and interests.
9.) ....

Then be the Alpha and re-state those facts as what you are willing to accept Do so covertly and indirectly, challenging them to see if they meet your requirements. And elude to what the reward will be (ie an Alpha who can provide, lead, is confident, has interests and hobbies, etc). Throw in some C&F right about here too to tone things down a bit.

You might get a lot of upset women who let you know it - guess what, those are the very women you would not want to date anyways and would most likely have been drawn into your original profile. They be p!ssed because you are immediately excluding them. Good riddance. And no time or money wasted on dead ends.

Pictures: These are really important. Too stagged and anyone can see it. A shot with your bedroom or office wall in the back says "My best picture is a webcam picture" Ouch. Look at profiles where people are with friends doing something fun (hiking, camping, traveling, biking, skydiving, etc). They immediately broadcast two things:

1.) You get out and do sh!t.
2.) Other people can actually stand being around you

Pictures will do wonders here for you because they literally given them something to wonder about (ie he has a life, most guys don't so I need to know more).

Or maybe you should just have some fun with it:

"Cougar Hunter"

If you're at least 10yrs older than me and looking for that refreshing change, your search is over! I've learned a lot from you ladies who are so different and experienced. Perhaps you can teach me something the others missed. I've got a sh!tload of money so I don't work and travel alot - hopefully that is not a problem. And I like to experience new friendships so invite your girlfriends along too. If you think you're hot enough to sizzle my steak - get in line to enjoy the ride.

 

[GtarPlayr73]

Sinistar, thanks for the detailed response. It sounds like you and i have totally different styles. You're high-energy, right? Whereas i'm laid-back, so the Alpha male thing isn't me, energy-wise. You do make some good points, though regarding photos and excluding women who would be dead ends. About the "seeking" language, could it not be argued that seeking out the right woman is an ACTION like the classic male hunter or does it imply waiting around for the right woman to come along, the way women want "to find a good man"?

As for photos, i literally have no recent photos of myself with others. I just never even think of taking pics when i'm with others. I socialize well, but don't get out much, by preference. Socializing takes a back seat to my talents and interests and that won't change for anything or anybody, else i cease to be myself and am useless to women. Like i said in another post, groups of people bore me real quick. It's just who i am. Anyway, my fucking digital camera is out of commision as the mem card is fried. Guess i should buy a new card and take shots of myself outdoors.

 

[speakeasy]

I think all people really need is one good headshot. I think people tend to go overkill on the photos. Same with myspace, I dont understand why some people have 50 photos of themselves on their page, half of them just standing in a room taking pics of themselves. If I'm looking at the woman, one full body shot is also necessary. Some girls have a normal face and a fat body so you can't always tell from a headshot alone.

 

[GtarPlayr73]

How's this for activities:

"Road trips, dining out for Indian, Mexican, and Thai food, foreign films, wandering Boston and NYC, rock shows and the theater, coffee talk in cafes, or rainy nights and red wine..."

 

[Bible_Belt]

If you have not already, I'd take out the I’m an introverted man part. The word 'introvert' carries negative connotations, not that it should, but I think it still does.

 

[vitor]

I kinda got lost reading your profile, i have an engineering degree and found you used way to many "BIG-Long Words", unless you are a 8+ in the looks column i think most women are going to keep on clicking.

Describe yourself, your job, what you enjoy for fun, and leave it at that.

This is Mine verbatim

Im a funny, honest, hard working guy who enjoys nice restaurants, good company and friends. I enjoy my work but it doesnt overun my life. Im constantly pursuing happiness, adventure, wealth, and one day a family.Im looking for a giver and a taker. Someone who can poke fun at everydays things and tries to make the most out of any situation. Laugh at my cheesy jokes, tell a few of your own. Fun, postive, drama free people will have alot of fun with me.

Give them just enough, to want to know more

 

[vitor]

BTW everyone wants to travel and see the world, just say you like to travel and leave it at that. Now if you are Prince Abdullah and travel 10 times per year put that down....

99.97% of girls have I love to travel on their profiles.

 

[Latinoman]

I don't like it.

Does it sound like "FUN" or "ADVENTUROUS" or "FIRE" or "HOT" or "CRAZY" or "ROLLERCOASTER"?

Or does it sound like "BORED" or "TIMID" or "CALM WATER" or "COLD" or "TOO SANE" or "STRAIGHT ROAD"?

 

[Latinoman]

BTW everyone wants to travel and see the world, just say you like to travel and leave it at that. Now if you are Prince Abdullah and travel 10 times per year put that down....

99.97% of girls have I love to travel on their profiles.

I travel around ten times per year (sometimes more)...and I'm NO prince!

 

[speakeasy]

BTW everyone wants to travel and see the world, just say you like to travel and leave it at that. Now if you are Prince Abdullah and travel 10 times per year put that down....

99.97% of girls have I love to travel on their profiles.

Yeah, 99.9% of girls say, "I love to laugh". Well no ****, I've never seen a person who hates to laugh, unless he broke his jaw and his mouth is wired shut. Oh, another one..." I love the beach!" ZZZzzzzz......

 

[GtarPlayr73]

BORING? TIMID? CALM WATER? STRAIGHT ROAD? Well, if this is me, then maybe i shouldn't be on the market right now. I get out of work, hit the gym (not enough to dent my weight 6ft - 200 lbs), and then come home and spend the rest of the evening pursuing my interests, music, art, etc. watching TV and movies. On the weekends, i run errands and stay home. I don't go to bars or clubs. I don't even go out to bookstores or cafes like i used to. I play no sports, am a member of zero groups/organizations/clubs/societies, haven't traveled to a distant land in years. Friends? I haven't gone out on the town with a friend in many months. I don't go out. I used to go to cafes a lot, but not lately. I'm a complete homebody. Now, i just met a guitarist - a really interesting guy and experienced musician - and he and i are going to meet weekly and attempt a band, which will be great. Bottom line, i have no happening EXTERNAL life for a woman to get excited about. I don't DO much besides my hobbies/artistic pursuits. I live out of my mind. Lemme put it to you this way: i sit in a chair at work and use a computer and i sit in a chair at home and use a computer...fuck, i have no chance exciting a woman like that...

I haven't gotten pissed off at someone in many months. I don't laugh with women. I rarely laugh that kind of side-splitting laughter. I'm serious and cerebral. I don't excite women. I'm dull and timid, but you wouldn't know it by looking at me, as i am good-looking, well-dressed, and carry a convo easily with warmth and eloquence. But here's the thing: i'm not interested in spending time with other people, unless i really have a connection with someone, so i have a few deep and valuable friendships, but not with anyone around here. I WANT to come home and do my thing - record music, research stuff, make art, watch documentaries, eat, read. I don't want to go out and socialize most of the time. Maybe i don't want a girlfriend, but rather an FB? But i want that meaningful magical love relationship with a quality woman...

 

[speakeasy]

BORING? TIMID? CALM WATER? STRAIGHT ROAD? Well, if this is me, then maybe i shouldn't be on the market right now. I get out of work, hit the gym (not enough to dent my weight 6ft - 200 lbs), and then come home and spend the rest of the evening pursuing my interests, music, art, etc. watching TV and movies. On the weekends, i run errands and stay home. I don't go to bars or clubs. I don't even go out to bookstores or cafes like i used to. I play no sports, am a member of zero groups/organizations/clubs/societies, haven't traveled to a distant land in years. Friends? I haven't gone out on the town with a friend in many months. I don't go out. I used to go to cafes a lot, but not lately. I'm a complete homebody. Now, i just met a guitarist - a really interesting guy and experienced musician - and he and i are going to meet weekly and attempt a band, which will be great. Bottom line, i have no happening EXTERNAL life for a woman to get excited about. I don't DO much besides my hobbies/artistic pursuits. I live out of my mind. I haven't gotten pissed off at someone in many months. I don't laugh with women. I rarely laugh that kind of side-splitting laughter. I'm serious and cerebral. I don't excite women. I'm dull and timid, but you wouldn't know it by looking at me, as i am good-looking, well-dressed, and carry a convo easily with warmth and eloquence. But, really, wtf am i doing trying to date???

You know what man, just keep most your profile as is. Just tweak a few small things like removing references to being "introverted" and let it be. If you feel that profile is genuinely you then give it a try. If a month goes by and no luck, then tweak a bit more. As is, it's not like it's bad or anything. There was nothing in it that screamed "wussy" or "lunatic" that should scare a woman. Good luck!