zekko said:
But when they say "Men are only as faithful as their options", isn't that implying that they can't get anybody else? Or can we put this stupid saying to bed once and for all?
The saying implies that a married man or committed man is "kept" and has no, -0-, options, thus stays committed. Clearly many posters on this forum are married and choose to be so and many are happy. My father for example is a married man and he genuinely seems happy.
My father always told me never wanted to get married because he always felt like he'd be giving away one of his testicles. He said he watched his friends around him get married, have babies, then have to ask permission from their wives to go have a beer. His perception of marriage was pretty dismal. From what he tells me, he met my mother and they started dating, I do not think for him there was an immense explosion of afc-energy (aka 'omg this is one'), but I believe he saw in her a good woman who would be a good mother (she was 6 yrs younger than him) and loved her -- additionally she was in some ways putting pressure on him (aka, if you're not going to take me seriously and we're not going anywhere I'm out -- basically "I'm not going to be just your gf"). I have respect for my mother in this way and she was aggressive in some manners about securing this guy, lol, she was ready to start a family and be with someone who took her seriously (she was 26) and didn't want to just waste time or be seen, probably, as some plate. He said surprisingly enough after his wedding day he didn't feel like he lost a testicle. Haha. He has been pretty good about maintaining the frame in his relationship, I always remember him vocalizing (anyitme she tried to influence him too much) that, "I already have a mother, I don't need another mother". Which I respect also because she's never treated him like a child. I am sure has had the opportunity to cheat, but he has seen fellow co-workers and friends do so and ruin their marriages or truly regret their actions.
I am not saying there haven't been hard times in my parents relationship, because I know there were times when my mother was a stay at home mom that he tells me things were hard. She didn't have any social life really, was at home while my brother and I were at school, and taking care of us before and after and when he came home he said she overwhelmed him and he was her only social vehicle for interaction. Clearly there are balances in marriages, but my family has always been ones to "talk" about things and seek solutions, and she ended up getting a job which helped the household financially and helped their marriage by her having a life again. My father could have (a) divorced or (b) cheated, but he's got kids now, investment, and she is a good woman and loyal and tries her best, just has her issues in life too at times. So he chose to be steady through the rough window and I genuinely admire that in him. Yes there is pressure in our society (as he and my mother came from nuclear families) to hold to this model. But I think in his heart clearly he didn't want to put the family through those things and did care about her.
The reality is there are many pressures and reasons people cheat. But it's always better to try and fix the triggers (bad sex, no job, $) before going out and seeking new options. It takes effort to create these contrasting secret lives, and the consequences can be severe emotionally / financially , etc.
I have just been lucky enough to have come from a family where my folks mostly have had a good relationship (albeit at my father's early emotional suffering until his mid-thirties), but I know if he had cheated it would have shattered our family and the perception I have of him even now would be very different.
Man if one thing is sacred, its your self-created crew. They ought to be protected. Is that just the actions of a "kept" man or the actions of a man who is trying to protect the fragile emotional psyches of the beings which he has created (children) and the woman who depends upon him?
//sorry for the long rant here//