Thinking About Bailing On Marriage

[pipeman84]

At times my husband thinks I am terribly disagreeable. Not really, I'm just consistent and he doesn't like that. I am in peri-menopause. I get hot flashes at night. He would have the heat set on 75 degrees at night if he got his way. I am sweating to death at 71 degrees. I can only get so naked without covers, but he can always put on more PJs or add a blanket on his side of the bed.

But he thinks that *his* preference should come first, because he is "The Man". So the whole thing is very stupid. Add to that he really should be on T replacement (his levels are falling as he nears 50), and this would frankly raise his basal metabolism and probably solve the whole problem as his body would then create more heat, but T therapy has a monetary cost associated with it, and he doesn't want to pay that cost. Instead he thinks *I* need to be on HRT. Nevermind that I am 55, still have a regular cycle (so the doctors do not think HRT is appropriate for me), I have a high libido, good muscle mass, etc.

Rather than understand that I cannot cool my body during this life phase, he picks fights about it. He refuses to accomodate my biology. I can't help my biology anymore than you can help morning wood. It just happens ya know? He is finally learning that "thermostat wars" do not serve him.

Wow, that seems to me really childish behaviour for two people around and over the age of 50.
And regarding TRT, he doesn't need it. You posted this less than a year ago:

He is 6’3”, 175 lbs., pro athlete in an extreme sport. Never married, 46, good relationship with both parents, makes a 6 figure income, no children. He is very good looking, rock star style. Masculine. Leader but more

Seems to be an American thing, to want to medicalize healthy people instead of addressing the root cause, the structural problems. And then add further drugs for the issues caused by the first line of drugs, and so on in a vicious circle.

 

[Divorced w 3]

I just don't feel connected to my wife anymore. Either she isn't putting in the effort to make me stay, or the max effort she can produce is not enough to keep me. I'm tired of carrying the weight of the relationship. I'm tired of being the one who works, lifts, goes to school, lifts, initiates sex, de-escalates arguments...

So far as I know, my wife has never cheated on me. She keeps up with her looks, though (nowhere near as much as I do for my own looks).

I have a hard time being the pretty one and the only money maker (which I do pretty well at ~$150k/yr).
I guess I'd be okay with being the better looking one, and the one who makes the money if my wife's effort made up for the difference, but that just isn't happening.

Last night was the first sexual rejection I've had from her in some time. I don't get "no's", but occasionally I'll get resistance. I think I'm more irritated by how the rejection went down than the rejection itself. I'd rather just get a "no" than some trickle truth bullsh*t about her not wanting to do anything with me.

You know what I rarely get? Enthusiasm. Sure, sex is great to have, but I'm f*cking tired of getting the bare minimal amount of work she can get away with. Tired of having to initiate with a b*tch whose laying down in bed under the covers the second our daughter gets put to bed. Nothing sexier than initiating with a woman whose trying her d*mndest to rush off to bed everyday of the week (eyeroll).

Duty sex is irritating and unsexy and this is the only kind of sex I've gotten for almost 2 months. At first I didn't care because dont care; got laid, but at what point to I get to have sex with a woman who actually wants to have sex with me? F*ck.

I'm done turning a blind eye to IOIs I keep getting. I'm done with turning down numbers girls are giving me. I'm done with not pursuing other sex avenues. I worked too f*cking hard to get to where I am, just to have a sexually apathetic wife.

Men who initiated divorces, what was the last straw for you? Do you regret it?

Initiated mine and wish i did it sooner, but mine was with a physically and emotionally unstable person who ultimately cracked when she became a mother, i truthfully should never have married her.

that said, you have kids, so make sure you do whatever you do with them in mind. cheating on her is not that

i chose parenting properly half the time vs being in chaos all the time

i think you need to have a real good look at yourself here, it sounds like you have massive buyers remorse

it must be fun finally being fit and attractive, but this is your life now,

i mean shes tired when the kid goes down, welcome to the real world my guy

truthfully i think you should delete your accout, forget everything you read here and go take your wife on a vacation. you sound like you need a breather, and a therapist, and determined to ruin somerhing that youre going to seriously regret - if you lose your family to this red pill bull**** that those guys dont even follow thrmselves you may be the biggest chump to ever grace this website

 

[BeExcellent]

Wow, that seems to me really childish behaviour for two people around and over the age of 50.
And regarding TRT, he doesn't need it. You posted this less than a year ago:

Seems to be an American thing, to want to medicalize healthy people instead of addressing the root cause, the structural problems. And then add further drugs for the issues caused by the first line of drugs, and so on in a vicious circle.

He is all those things. Those things also impact his selfish attitudes. He has never been committed at this level before and he has also never had a helpless tiny child utterly dependent on him. Those things change people; grow people. Hes also typically had women too afraid to lose him so hes gotten away with bratty behavior (that I don't tolerate). If anything our relationship has smoothed & improved so far over time. We are deeply connected and we respect one another but it's always a learning experience.

There are pros and cons in any relationship. OP said they fight constantly about stupid stuff. I simply gave some examples of what "stupid stuff" can look like.

The TRT thing is what it is. He is as of last week finding a doctor who can cover that on insurance. It will help his body temp, metabolism and libido, all good things.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Wow, that seems to me really childish behaviour for two people around and over the age of 50.
And regarding TRT, he doesn't need it. You posted this less than a year ago:

Seems to be an American thing, to want to medicalize healthy people instead of addressing the root cause, the structural problems. And then add further drugs for the issues caused by the first line of drugs, and so on in a vicious circle.

6'3 175lbs? That can't be right can it? That's like a stick figure. I'm 5'8" 175 lbs right now and I have a 32.5" waist.

 

[Divorced w 3]

6'3 175lbs? That can't be right can it? That's like a stick figure. I'm 5'8" 175 lbs right now and I have a 32.5" waist.

Im 6’3, when i put in work i can get to 32, but i do suffer forit

 

[BeExcellent]

6'3 175lbs? That can't be right can it? That's like a stick figure. I'm 5'8" 175 lbs right now and I have a 32.5" waist.

Correct. He is tall and trim. He thinks hes "fat" if he gets above 180. He's built like a tall pro soccer athlete, or a tall pro cyclist: vascular, muscular, mesomorph but trim. He's a 32" waist and 38" length. I love his physique but finding him dress pants or suits is so tough he gets them custom tailored rather than trying to shop in a store. Natural V shoulder to waist drop. He was a pole vaulter and soccer goalie in high school. He's an accomplished skier & extreme athlete. His trim build helps in his sport, which is a small community so I don't mention the sport here.

 

[pipeman84]

He is all those things. Those things also impact his selfish attitudes. He has never been committed at this level before and he has also never had a helpless tiny child utterly dependent on him. Those things change people; grow people. Hes also typically had women too afraid to lose him so hes gotten away with bratty behavior (that I don't tolerate). If anything our relationship has smoothed & improved so far over time. We are deeply connected and we respect one another but it's always a learning experience.

It sounds to me like you two are learning to read syllables when you should be way past that point, at your ages.

There are pros and cons in any relationship. OP said they fight constantly about stupid stuff.

I think constant fighting over stupid stuff is merely a symptom of underlying severe issues or incompatibility.

The TRT thing is what it is. He is as of last week finding a doctor who can cover that on insurance. It will help his body temp, metabolism and libido, all good things.

LOL. There's nothing good about a healthy 47yrs old athlete going on TRT. You can't really believe that will solve your issues, can you? Wait till he says he needs someone else to help with his libido.

 

[ManFromTartarus]

Right now, I need to game other women. .................. I need to overcome my own inner beliefs that are holding me back.

It's becoming obvious to me that OP is in some state of denial, he's said this several times over this thread and was possibly looking for some sort of validation here.
But what do you do when a forum based on developing "game" tells you almost entirely that it's not the best option and dealing with your home situation is a much higher priority? ..... go into denial mode?

I think his "own inner beliefs" that flirting with random women will make his situation better is what's holding him back, and possibly the problem is not with his wife's behavior in the bedroom, and more his own dissatisfaction with the position he's put himself in life as a husband & father.

I hope he takes the time to read all the great advice on this thread and makes the effort to fix the boat he's floating on instead of abandoning ship.

 

[BeExcellent]

Lol @pipeman84. Every marriage or relationship has petty stuff going on. Some more than others. It depends who the two individuals are. Things also ebb and flow depending on other life stressors and frankly I feel for OP and his wife because young children in the home can be extremely stressful.

Despite your hope otherwise my husband & I are just fine. The occassional dumpster fire does not mean Rome is burning.

This thread is not about me. OP does not feel connected to his wife. Lets stick to that shall we?

 

[pipeman84]

Lol @pipeman84. Every marriage or relationship has petty stuff going on. Some more than others. It depends who the two individuals are.

Yeah, I've heard that, the proverbial socks on the floor and toilet seat left up. But it never made sense to me, and the more I thought about it, the less it makes. Two grown ups arguing about socks left on the floor or the temperature in the bedroom ? Really?

IMO those are just symptoms of deep unresolved issues and/or plain incompatibility.

 

[Divorced w 3]

Correct. He is tall and trim. He thinks hes "fat" if he gets above 180. He's built like a tall pro soccer athlete, or a tall pro cyclist: vascular, muscular, mesomorph but trim. He's a 32" waist and 38" length. I love his physique but finding him dress pants or suits is so tough he gets them custom tailored rather than trying to shop in a store. Natural V shoulder to waist drop. He was a pole vaulter and soccer goalie in high school. He's an accomplished skier & extreme athlete. His trim build helps in his sport, which is a small community so I don't mention the sport here.

Not to be harsh, but your husband is clearly under some sort of calorie deficit and T suffers from that

 

[BeExcellent]

Not to be harsh, but your husband is clearly under some sort of calorie deficit and T suffers from that

Perhaps. He's always been tall, athletic & trim. Think tall trim swimming athlete or Nordic cross country skier. Thats his physique naturally. He'd have to really try to get a beer gut or gain lots of weight. Both his parents are also tall trim people even as older people. Its genetics.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Perhaps. He's always been tall, athletic & trim. Think tall trim swimming athlete or Nordic cross country skier. Thats his physique naturally. He'd have to really try to get a beer gut or gain lots of weight. Both his parents are also tall trim people even as older people. Its genetics.

That means he likely has exceptional insulin sensitivity. I'm so jealous of those people. My natural state is some form of insulin resistance and I have to work really hard and be careful what I eat to get to that point, which happens over time.

Also highly correlated to great gut microbiome. More good bacteria equals more anti-inflammatory compounds released for the body, more bad bacteria equals more pro-inflammatory compounds released for the body. Amazing how science is finding gut microbiome literally controls almost all aspects of our body in some way and just how deep the symbiotic relationships have become over thousands of years. The body literally NEEDS these bacteria to function properly now.

 

[BeExcellent]

That means he likely has exceptional insulin sensitivity. I'm so jealous of those people. My natural state is some form of insulin resistance and I have to work really hard and be careful what I eat to get to that point, which happens over time.

Also highly correlated to great gut microbiome. More good bacteria equals more anti-inflammatory compounds released for the body, more bad bacteria equals more pro-inflammatory compounds released for the body. Amazing how science is finding gut microbiome literally controls almost all aspects of our body in some way and just how deep the symbiotic relationships have become over thousands of years. The body literally NEEDS these bacteria to function properly now.

Right? I'm more like you. Must eat very conscientiously and exercise & weigh every day to track it. The science is quite interesting. I'm trim through great discipline. He's genetic. I eat a much better diet than him historically. But I have to really watch & do intermittent fasting as a lifestyle choice. I *refuse* to be too heavy. Its kinda not fair, lol. Oh well

 

[Divorced w 3]

Perhaps. He's always been tall, athletic & trim. Think tall trim swimming athlete or Nordic cross country skier. Thats his physique naturally. He'd have to really try to get a beer gut or gain lots of weight. Both his parents are also tall trim people even as older people. Its genetics.

have him look into my supplement stack on my workout thread - you guys can both thank me later

 

[Money & Muscle]

How far do you need to go?

A few number closes and coffee dates is probably plenty. I'm not doing OLD for this.

As much confidence as I have in most areas in life, I still have the confidence of a 20 y/o virgin when it comes to meeting women. I don't need to have sex with them, I just need to get past this nagging feeling I have that I can't get laid by anyone but my wife.

As @BeExcellent said

You want and need to reprogram your beliefs about yourself. You need to validate yourself externally; practice interactions.

In so doing the idea is that in time you'll transition to internal validation. Once you are coming from a place of internal validation your whole world will change because the way you see yourself has changed.

This is exactly what I need.

I have legitimately never picked up a chick. That's a problem.

 

[Divorced w 3]

A few number closes and coffee dates is probably plenty. I'm not doing OLD for this.

As much confidence as I have in most areas in life, I still have the confidence of a 20 y/o virgin when it comes to meeting women. I don't need to have sex with them, I just need to get past this nagging feeling I have that I can't get laid by anyone but my wife.

As @BeExcellent said


This is exactly what I need.

I have legitimately never picked up a chick. That's a problem.

You need therapy

‘honey,rollo, rich and Rian all said i need to go spin plates’

is this real life? do you realize how crazy you sound?

 

[BeExcellent]

I get it @Money & Muscle I really do. Much as I bust your chops I fully understand the rationale.

It creates internally personal power and confidence to KNOW others find you attractive. It also makes your partner aware, without you saying anything.

I know my husband is attractive to other women. He knows I am attractive to other men. So we both appreciate that at the of the day we both have options but we choose each other. That is a good thing.

You have been forthright about your journey here. That is commendable and I see why it's important for you, for your growth. At the end of the day hopefully it benefits all involved.

Cheers

 

[Money & Muscle]

But what do you do when a forum based on developing "game" tells you almost entirely that it's not the best option and dealing with your home situation is a much higher priority?

That's the irony of it, isn't it?
Yes, I need to fix things at home. I truly believe that most of my own input to the problems I'm having in marriage stem from insecurities in this one area.

I can lie to myself and say "any women would be lucky to have me" as Mystery would recommend... but would they?

i don't understand women but through heuristic and experiences of others. I have a data set of one and I'm married to it. If I was dropped out in the open market, free to do as I wish, I do not know that I could even secure a first date or number.
How do you think that weighs on a man whose put everything into becoming the best version of himself for 15+ years?

I am reading all responses and calibrating. I made this thread wanting to nuke my marriage and I've been backed away from that red button. Now it's a matter of how to fix it. I cannot change my wife, nor do I know if she wants to change for me. But I can change myself, and that's what I'm looking to do. This is one area I have not improved in and I do believe it's holding me back, even if it's mere placebo.

 

[Divorced w 3]

I get it @Money & Muscle I really do. Much as I bust your chops I fully understand the rationale.

It creates internally personal power and confidence to KNOW others find you attractive. It also makes your partner aware, without you saying anything.

I know my husband is attractive to other women. He knows I am attractive to other men. So we both appreciate that at the of the day we both have options but we choose each other. That is a good thing.

You have been forthright about your journey here. That is commendable and I see why it's important for you, for your growth. At the end of the day hopefully it benefits all involved.

Cheers

He is going to cheat on his wife bc a married guy who dresses like zakk wylde and sold him a book suggested it would empower him

he is going to give his daughter the daddy issues we lament so hard here

dont encourage him