Yuppaz Field Reports of Trials and Tribulations

[macallik]

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to yuppaz again.

Keep the stories coming.

 

[yuppaz]

F&ck me, I've got some issues. I went out this past Fri night and was having fun at first. Was opening up loads of girls with my friend, who actually is in this lair thing and a lot of those guys were there as well. They didn't used to go but I posted online on this board a while ago places I liked and they showed up every month thereafter. Anyway start of the night was fine, but then I started getting pretty drunk and started getting a little crazy. Then the thing closed and I started getting really nuts at this high end bar I like. Was being loud and obnoxious and hitting on everyone pretty stupidly. Basically creeping everyone in the place out...I was creeper X100. I'm pretty sure I blatantly called myself king of the dusch bags at some point, to which everyone agreed. It was like major self loathing came out. Still met a lot of people and woke up with some cards in my pocket, but ended up drinking and driving and WANTING to get into a fight that night. Think I also insulted some friends of friends, and some of my player friends too. It was like a compulsion to have to push people away from me or something, I don't know where it comes from, only thing I know (and why I'm writing this) is that I really just can't drink anymore and that I'm still pretty f*cked up in the head.

 

[yuppaz]

So it's been a month and a half since that last post....and very strangely I feel pretty damn good these days. I'm getting sh*t done at work. Hanging out with my friends more often and actually getting curious about their lives, have been feeling more WHOLE as a person in general. I have been meeting women and I'm pretty much batting a thousand lately (not that it matters much to me, but it is very directly related to the work I'm going through seeing my shrink. A very cool chick with a very good understanding of what motivates people. I told her how much more easy things have been lately where I've been just pretty much ok with myself, not striving to be something I'm not, rather being totally ok with who I am. AND who I am is looking very powerful to those outside of myself, because I am able to look at others (men and women both) in a different light. It's becoming easy for me to try to find others motivation and (to move towards or away from something) and encourage them towards what they want in a situation or in life.

Most people in life are motivated in the way they behave (if they haven't had a nurturing, healthy and encouraging childhood) by individual fears and insecurities. They have no idea why they think the way they think or do the things they do. People that don't have these as their primary motivators in life are more emotionally healthy, and can spot those that are not, because something isn't (undefinably) quite right about them (in their minds). Neediness is a great example of this. If you are needy, it is likely because you have holes in your emotional makeup from childhood that you want filled, but have no idea how to fill them. So you seek to fill the need in some format, but you don't know what you need so it is just needing something from others in general. That's only human and nothing to be ashamed of, rather recognizing that you are not emotionally whole is a good step.

My gaps came from my childhood of everyone around me being extremely selfish. At some level I knew it was wrong, but didn't have a whole lot of positive role models to model what was healthy off of. In my house, you either screamed and fought and got your way (or attention) or you were considered weak and insignificant and that maybe there was something wrong with me (haha looking at it now, I considered there was something wrong with ME in a household like that..????..because I have a son I can say without a doubt that I would NEVER consider him weak or insignificant if he wasn't a 100% selfish narcissist like my father (& maybe my mom and brother too) was). It's good to have that kind of perspective.

So, largely because of therapy I'm becoming more and more ok with really who I am. I've mentioned it before, but I don't identify with a lot of the pickup architypes at all. I feel like I've filled a lot of the emotional gaps inside that have been holding me back in life, so much so that my overwhelming concern isn't just with myself, rather I'm starting to be able to look outside of myself to recognize some of the issues that I've had that others are having. Another thing she told me which I'm finding is true is that people (if emotionally unhealthy) are completely self absorbed. I must have been because now that I'm not as much I can see people I interact with's behavior and pretty much get where they are coming from & possibly why. And by getting it, I can much more easily give them something they need and create strong bonds with them through that. It's something I'm starting to do naturally lately.

With regards to dating, this ability has allowed me to do the following: meet people without worrying at all what they think about me, because I'm good with me AND to understand them much better & bond with them much better and much more quickly & deeply. I'm more even keeled... I can be strong and driven in my own way and give them the space to be who they are with them knowing that it won't affect me. It gives them automatic comfort, they can just sense it AND emotionally healthier women are not repulsed by me anymore.

The weird thing is that I'm probably more alpha then I ever was by knowing who I am more and more as well as being free in expressing my opinions (not in a **** / egotistical way when I would have prior). Not coming from a false sense of self (ego) but coming from a real sense of self.

I have been talking to some girls off and on lately and it's been soooooooo easy! I opened up a Lithuaniam beauty yesterday and I was rusty at my day time stuff and fumbled a LOT but it didn't bother me at all and she picked up on this and was super into me. Same for an Aussie chick and a world traveler girl I brought home a couple weeks ago. It's like if I just spend a few minutes with them being low key and normal (no trying anything / no game at all), they REALLY want more of me. It's been pretty cool to make this journey. I still have more to do, but I'm now very confident that what I desire is in no way out of my reach at all....which kinda rocks...

 

[yuppaz]

ok - so a quicky this time, I'm writing too damn much. Couple really good chances to get together with beautiful girls this past couple weeks, but I was balking...basically because of the secret ingredient that I feel like I've been missing. Talked it over with my shrink...it's a lack of substance, and of living just for me. I've realized with her help that SOOOOO much of what I do I do to get approval of others, and when a beauty girl is in the mix, I automatically take myself out of the game because I think they can get someone with a more put together life style then me (better friends, hobbies, etc.) That's what's been holding me back, feeling like I can't compete in that arena. My game plan now is to really work on putting those other areas of my life together so I don't feel like that anymore. I want to be able to invite little hotties into my world, and make it a world worth being invited into. Right now, I would categorize my life's time being used for:
working out
working
trading
being a dad
going out (to meet girls.....lame)
aaaaaaand that's about it.

Going to get more into music, charity's that mean something to me, adding interests and meaningful things to my life. I am kinda sorta thinking about being the Tony Robbins type in some way if I feel I can actually be useful to people in that way...Now people that follow me want to learn how to f*ck girls...which is chasing validation and really not at all healthy. I would like to do more then that.

that's it...cheers

 

[yuppaz]

Ok, so last night I went out, was feeling kinda tired & frustrated so didn't approach very much and generally didn't have an amazing time. But, for some weird reason, same as last w/e I met and was sitting with an absolute stunner, very very beautiful. easy 9. I thought that I was all good with this stuff, with my self image and just being me, but maybe it was the night, her high opinion of herself (not *****y, just knew she was haut haut haut), the fact that she didn't show any obvious interest like i'm used to but I totally bombed...TOTALLY. I was obviously trying to impress her, negging (yuck) , not leading at al/. It was laughably bad compared to my usual cool. I got her number but I doubt it amounts to much...out of sight out of mind stuffs. It was really good to find out that there is still a glitch in my little matrix, so now I have reason to work on it. Also good to know (not that this was a reminder of it) but I actually, really can have girls like this. I know how I ****ed up last night and I know exactly. what I need to do about it. My dominance and leading and self value aren't quite as THERE as I thought they were......so sh*tty thing but also really good thing to know fo sho.

 

[Deicide]

Ok, so last night I went out, was feeling kinda tired & frustrated so didn't approach very much and generally didn't have an amazing time. But, for some weird reason, same as last w/e I met and was sitting with an absolute stunner, very very beautiful. easy 9. I thought that I was all good with this stuff, with my self image and just being me, but maybe it was the night, her high opinion of herself (not *****y, just knew she was haut haut haut), the fact that she didn't show any obvious interest like i'm used to but I totally bombed...TOTALLY. I was obviously trying to impress her, negging (yuck) , not leading at al/. It was laughably bad compared to my usual cool. I got her number but I doubt it amounts to much...out of sight out of mind stuffs. It was really good to find out that there is still a glitch in my little matrix, so now I have reason to work on it. Also good to know (not that this was a reminder of it) but I actually, really can have girls like this. I know how I ****ed up last night and I know exactly. what I need to do about it. My dominance and leading and self value aren't quite as THERE as I thought they were......so sh*tty thing but also really good thing to know fo sho.

When you don't feel right about yourself(being tired/fatigued), it affects the world around you. And then when you feel like that a hot woman you didn't expect falls into your lap. It happened to me last weekend. haha What a bad feeling where you don't feel like approaching, and then something kicks in.

It could be that you're not used to talking with women that look that attractive, same thing happens to me sometimes too.
But, I'm glad to read your journal and best of luck for the glitch improvements too.

 

[yuppaz]

So, chick got back to me, a week later telling me she gets her schedule Sunday. I responded like 25 hours later. Nothing yet, don't think anything comes of it.

Have been in a funk lately, not exactly sure why...probably something to do with life in general but can't put my finger on it. Probably just general discontent with stagnation & not socializing very much & a string of no response texts from a while back that kinda hit my ego..maybe that's it..having an ego in general. I think the main thing though is just not having a grand plan in life, it's like I don't want to commit to something and possibly fail...??? not really sure. Work is ok, training is going well (cutting right now and looking good), I'm kind of disenfranchised with dating & have noticed I'm really not as talkative as I used to be, or as outgoing. Part of that was clownish though, it was to prove something to myself vs. actually wanting to get to know the other person, or the girl. Prob part of it is also because I've been seeing this chick and I would just feel sh*tty banging someone else during.

It's almost like I've been in pause mode for the past few months or something. Not moving forward with anything at the moment. Pretty reactive too and trying to get approval (don't know where that came from but it's the case). I'm not going to freak out about it, instead going to meditate nightly / in the morning to clear the thoughts & see how that helps.

 

[yuppaz]

Met w/ shrink again today. Told her about how I got a massage from this hot little 18 year old Japanese girl and how we were flirting etc. then later hung out with this girl who I meditate with, then next weekend and she gave me a back massage and I gave her one and was all rubbing up on her. I told her to cook me dinner this coming Sunday, which she pretty much knew meant I want to f*ck her. Also went into Waiks this past weekend and met a few sales girls etc. One of them was pretty much coming on to me and wanted to get together w/ me. It felt good to go out and be more social, I haven't been recently. There is a difference in how I'm acting. It's like I'll just have a normal convo and she will give all sorts of buying signals and hang on my every word. At first when I wanted to approach etc. I noticed that I was being negative while being chatty, but after the first group of three girls I was good to go. I guess the motivation to get out there comes from just not having what I want with dating etc. and also proving to myself that I'm still attractive. I meet a lot of girls but after I meet them things don't allways turn out the way I want (aka I lose interest after or show soo much interest that they lose interest). It's really frustrating some times. I've been really horny lately and getting somewhat more aggressive when it comes to meeting girls. It's almost like a fear of settling with the girl I'm hanging out with now is driving me to keep my options open (that's what my shrink thinks). She also thinks I'm doing it out of a fear of not "Achieving" my goals in my life (aka wanting a beautifull girlfriend that clicks with me). I still have a hard time being comfortable around really hot girls, my shrink thinks that is because I see them as this lofty goal and should instead focus on my own happiness and being into myself which therefore takes the "Goal" out of the interaction. I think it's more of a trauma thing from either not growing up being "the guy that successful to women" or maybe a Mystery thing where I don't feel like the leader and deserver of the hottest girls, like a genetic thing or something. I believe my shrink though that it does have something to do with being driven by anxiety, which I know is bad, but don't know how to fix. Right now I really want to f*ck pretty girls with small, tight bodies pretty badly and it's not so much about dating and bigger aspirations / life goals. EBBS and flows... no idea which this is.

 

[yuppaz]

edit: trauma thing because I've had some extremely negative / dejecting experiences with girls I thought were really fine while learning "pickup". So there is a fear of severe emotional rejection.

 

[soshdog]

Yuppaz, you have been doing good by pushing your boundaries, getting out there and trying, working on yourself, and reflecting. Our nature seeks to regain balance. You have been hard on yourself, and there is nothing wrong with that. But it is time to regain balance. Give yourself a break. Don't expect sh!t from yourself at all. Don't worry about how you look to yourself and others. Just simply let go of it all, and let yourself just be. Change your pattern, do different sh!t, focus on different sh!t, get around new environments and new people. It will refresh you and give you the balance and fresh perspective it sounds like you are ready for at this point in your life.

 

[yuppaz]

Good advice, soshdog. Kinda same thing my shrink was saying too.... I put too much pressure on myself / try to be some strange version of perfect. I took yours and her advice this past week + or so and things have been a LOT better. Sunday was nice, I got a back massage and a c@ck massage from this girl I meditate at a temple with, so peace of c@ck, peace of body, peace of mind...good times. Also this girl from my gym gave mea huge compliment, saying she would SO be into me (without my prompting) but she has a boyfriend BUT she wants to introduce me to her swimsuit model friend. I pretended to screen a little asking about her and the girl said she was really sweet and not at all a club rat type, but in my head I was thinking....yup definately like swimsuit models!!! Found out later this girl is the daughter of a big vodka name that has won some awards and stuff. I know she drives a really expensive mercedes and she's all gooey around me and keeps complimenting me, which I totally eat up. Have to be careful about that, not let it give me an ego about my looks, which has been a problem in the past and hasn't helped me at all really.

Anyways though, I really tried to not be self critical and it has been pretty great. Highly recommended for those perfectionists that are wound up too tight like me...

Cheers!

 

[yuppaz]

I went to an event for raising money for toys for tots yesterday. It was in a nice house on the beach and was loaded with beautiful women (like 10 beautiful, not just 7-8 beautiful), absolute stunners. My buddy was supposed to go with me, he actually invited me and he flaked at the last minute. I was supposed to meet this girl there (mentioned above in last post) who was bringing a friend she wanted to introduce me to. I get there when I was supposed to meet the girls (at 4) and try to chill out, but it was not all that packed and being loaded with Holy Sh*t these girls are 10's all over (and I don't say that lightly) and being solo it was a nerve wracking thing. I knew they were looking at this guy here alone and probably thinking I was a tool, I felt like a tool. Besides that one of the dimes there was a girl I tried to get out before who was a waitress at the event. So now I looked like a lone loser to probably the most beautiful girl I'd ever gotten a phone number from. I stayed there for 45 minutes and couldn't take the social pressure I put on myself for looking like a chump around all these beautiful women. So I leave the event. 20 minutes after I leave the girl I mentioned above shows up and texts me that she is there.

Soooooooo. The big jist of this post is that I basically still don't think I'm there yet with my self worth and I need to really start fostering more reliable friends.

I'm pretty disapointed in myself for blowing an opportunity like that because I didn't think myself worthy or cool enough or something.

 

[yuppaz]

Soooooo I'm in quite a funk. I'm on vacation for a couple of weeks. I have been hanging out with this one girl for a year +/- now. She is very good to me, she does my dishes, buys me ****, comes by for sex a lot, and generally is just really into me. It would all be well and good, but I'm not in the same place emotionally as her. I actually want to break things off because I'm feeling guilty and not taking as much action with other girls because I would feel bad. I have slept with other women, but pretty sure she isn't and she would not be happy about finding out that I am / have. I just know how badly breaking things off would effect her and THAT is holding me back. I told my shrink that I was hanging out with her and was also sleeping with another girl and she blew up at me, telling me to call her right now and cancel & that I wasn't doing this girl any favors by still hanging out with her. I didn't do it, I went on a short vacation with her and basically the whole time I was just feeling ****ty thinking about what my shrink said. The problem is that she is too accommodating / needy and is a little too chubby where I like really skinny girls. I have another girl that I met recently too who is probably not a great long term prospect, but I want to hook up because she's really cute and really skinny. She would probably be really fun to sleep with...BUT she has a 6 year old daughter. So I would be going in knowing that it would be a physical thing...most likely.

 

[yuppaz]

I'm done with trying to date for now. I realize that I have some serious issues that I need to work out. I'm continually trying to get something from other people, be it validation, admiration, pride, some kind of love I didn't get when I was a kid that MADE me needy and lack any real self esteem. It made me a perfectionist and it made me ignore other peoples boundaries for a time in order to either prove something to myself, to my father, my older brother etc. At first, I thought that the reason I wasn't having as much success as I wanted was because I didn't know what to DO with women, but now I realize that the reason why I'm not happy with my dating life is because I don't have much real self esteem and a lot of neurotic tendencies coming from childhood. In my present state I am capable of injuring emotionally the women I date and not selecting women that are actually good for me as long term prospects and being that I don't have anything to prove to anyone (reason why I wanted to be able to be the big pimp daddy) and that trying to prove something is just another symbol of my lack and perpetuates my condition it's far better to completely stop trying or seeing anyone at this time. I'm going to be spending at least the next few months doing everything I can to avoid trying to look a certain way, or behave a certain way to unseen and non-existing judgers (who am I trying to prove anything TO anyway?). It's time to really fix me, I'm sick of spinning my wheels with self esteem and confidence issues time to tackle this thing head on.

 

[yuppaz]

Last night I broke things off with the girl I've been seeing for a while. I was kind of (but not really) ignoring her and she was flying into a kind of rage, was telling her I've been going through a lot of heavy stuff lately and she was all about where was I to kind of fix her or something. She was saying she wants to take a step back and I told her that I thought it was a good idea. She was goading me to get me to tell her that I knew this for a while and just didn't tell her about it, which might be true but I didn't want her to hate me. I basically told her that I can't deal with my issues right now and the heaviness of what is going on between she and I. She was getting needy and wanting to spend a lot more time together. She was crying on the phone a lot and I feel (measuredly) guilty about it. I feel bad but it really is better for her to find someone that is not as bothered by, turned off by her neediness and her body. I just wasn't into her sexually anymore. I tried to get her to be healthy and lose some weight, which she did but she didn't stick to it and made a lot of excuses as to why she didn't. I think I tried legitimately to see if things could work, but if that sexual attraction isn't there and she is making it so easy for me in all areas, being overly accommodating in order to please me the lack of some challenge made it kind of boring. She wants to hang out again tonight, I didn't think it was a good idea but I agreed.

 

[yuppaz]

Have been reading / listening to a lot of stuff from Dr. Drew Dobransky lately. He has a very thorough scientific way of looking at what a man is and should be and how to get there. One premise he goes into is how many of / most men these days are boys in mens skin and that we may be that way because we were never taught how to develop healthy boundaries and remove the child in us. Other cultures have rights of passage in which the boy inside of us dies / or is killed off in order for the man to emerge. I had a father growing up, but he was about shrewdness and had a lack of morals and narcissism which is more boyish then mature manish. I am working on my personal boundaries and I am really starting to understand why I had so many unfulfilling relationships that were co-dependant types in the past. I still have a lot of boy in me that must be removed in order to have what I really want out of my life. I turned down a few opportunities to hang out with women, because I know this is much, much more important in the long term and am actively working on this. Now it is about filling in the holes in my boundaries and working on more shrewdness in COMBINATION WITH ethics, vs. shrewdness for purely selfish reasons as I believe I have a tendency toward being heavy on ethics but in a more naive way. Lots more to work on, but FINALLY feel I have a solid road map in place in order for me to successfully father myself. My lack of psychological maturity has pretty much been the sole reason why I have not been able to meet with and date the types of women I would really appreciate in a longer term deal.

 

[yuppaz]

Don't want to tell anyone in my social circle, life but wanted to post it up somewhere. I f*cked my masseuse last night. Was pretty awesome, great body cute / sweet girl really into the sex. She lives really close to me. Hoping to get some free massages out of it later. I don't have any ethical / moral issues with it really.

 

[yuppaz]

Haven't updated this in a while -
Have been hooking up with masseuse for a little while now, sex is awesome, love her cute little butt. Still hanging out with another girl from a while ago, not really that into it. Spending a lot of time and energy on my training in the gym, work and my mental state (phsycology, acoa meetings) they've been pretty good. The thing that seems to help the most is to just relax and don't think I need to change myself so much. Met a girl this weekend throwing all kinds of signals, she would be fun to **** a couple times but nothing more really. I do need to get on with dating girls I could be more serious with in the long term, have noticed I've been just taking the low hanging fruit lately (or maybe for a long time now) vs. what I would really want. It might be tied to an ego issue (like I don't want to take the risk to my ego that if I go for what I really want and get denied / rejected that it will mean that I'm not as awesome as I think I am. Need to re-frame that belief / closely examine why I am being so risk adverse in that and other areas. I'm also reading a good book to help me better raise my son so that he is happy / healthy and on the right path vs. growing up the way that I did (scarcity in lots of areas, feeling like a social outcast...who really cast himself out to be totally honest). It's really a great book and I'm seeing a lot of things I can use for myself / things that weren't there as a kid that I can change (not the same as just my mental image of myself as above). My shrink thinks I'm doing really well because of more self trust and a better overall picture of the world and my place in it. She is helping me with my understanding of my own identity, it's very reassuring.

In my acoa meetings there was a girl who was very cute and I think she may have been a little bit into me, maybe. It isn't the best place to meet people unless I want to live co-dependantly but it's nice to have the attention and know that someone else had a similar experience growing up that I did. It's not the best reason to relate to someone but it does help me to see that beautiful girls aren't in a different world then I am / above me socially or un-relatable when I'm not just picking them up, but as normal human beings.

 

[yuppaz]

These past couple of weeks have been interesting. In my Acoa meetings there is this girl there that I think is reeeealy cute. She has some very pretty eyes, young, good body with long blond hair. I can tell she's into me and has hinted that she might be open to getting together. I'm a bit conflicted because she's had it pretty rough growing up and I'm not sure if there is a part of me that would want to "Save" her in some way, which would be unhealthy for me and pretty codependant. Thing is, there is something that I reallly like about this girl. I'm not sure if it's that because we had some similarities growing up that I know and I feel like I can trust her more because of it. If that's it, that would be very telling of me and what I need to start doing more of (trusting chicks...to a greater extent)

Also this past weekend I went to an event where it was some pretty high end talent there, lots of rich guys and lots of beautiful girls. I ran into a girl that I've talked about in my posts before who is a personal trainer at my gym. She's incredibly beautiful, and a major hard body. I know she's checked me out in the past but was (now I think) very self conscious when I didn't know as much then I thought she was playing games (hot & cold). I told her when I saw her at the event that I thought she looked really beautiful & made a point of looking her up and down (no fear, no shame). She lit up, we chatted for a little while and that was that for the night...BUT last night when I was at the gym I said hi to her and she wouldn't stop talking to me and offering to teach me this or that and take me to her chiropractor etc. etc. it was really a complete 180. I think that what was going on before was that she wasn't sure if she was good enough for me and by showing her that I thought she was beautiful that now maybe she has more confidence. It was really trippy that she was all of a sudden offering so much, it was like she was really trying to get me to like her and have ways to spend time with her. I didn't hop to right away because it was such a shift I wasn't ready for it, but I was more open in general and in getting to know her.

 

[yuppaz]

Things ended with masseuse. Decided I wanted to knock some rust off cold approaches....so did a few:

10 approaches - asking out each one. Work on comfortable dominence

1 - Sarah, australian accent beautiful. Didn't close but was good

2 - approach 2 -Luciana opened with is it raining out there? Going to be here for a week then moving back in Oct. She liked me and had a BANGIN BODY

3. Opened girl at wholefoods deli /cold fish but not very attractive anyway

4. Girl at bookstore, she was crying. Saw her later in movie section. Teased her a little, smiled at her, made her feel better. She took my number for a lookup thing and I left it with her with a message saying she was cute with a smile on it. She said she was going to save that.

5. Girl working in thinker toys - really cute, younger. Opened by asking of this gold brick usb thing was real gold. Walked around the store w/ her w/ good vibing. No real chance to set something up though