Your GF asks you to go to "therapy"

[jhonny9546]

Your LTR girlfriend asks you to go to couples therapy.

Is this happened to your LTR?
Even if not, what would you do?

Since my communication style is based on non violent comunication, and assertivity, I will have her explain to me why we need this, and then it's up to me to decide whether or not

 

[BaronOfHair]

Your LTR girlfriend asks you to go to couples therapy.

Is this happened to your LTR?
Even if not, what would you do?

No, but I've excised quite a few folks(Women included)out of my life, on account of THEM refusing to seek out a skillfull shrink. This has been especially true over the past decade

It's wise to engage in this sort of self-reflection for yourself, WITHOUT outside actors prompting you to do so

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Depends what the issues are.

Sometimes it can be helpful, but usually depends on how open both people are to accepting their faults and doing something to change them via actions and putting in the work needed.

Also highly depends on how both parties view the therapist. Many times one person thinks they are taking the other person's "side" too frequently. In some cases that might be true. However, most times it's because the person is unwilling to accept any fault when that is required to actually fix the problem.

Essentially it falls under long term relationships are hard work and the amount of work you are willing to put in on a regular basis determines the long term success of most relationships.

IMO, therapy usually happens when one or both people haven't been putting in much, if any, work over the long term and it's like a stack of bills piling up that haven't been paid.

Eventually those bills come due and you can either pay them or lose the house.

The grass isn't always greener on the other side. Most times it is greener where you choose to water it.

 

[Barrister]

The two major problems with couple's therapy are:

1. Both people have to actually be willing to change their behavior and open to listening to what they're doing wrong. Most people, especially women in my experience, lack the ability to ever truly agree they are in the wrong in their relationship and usually just want a 3rd party to tell the man "how it is" and how he needs to be better to her. In both of my experiences with a couple's therapist, my two separate LTRs both had that mindset that we were going there because I needed to be better towards them. It is basically a non-starter. The couple's therapist I went to with my first LTR actually told my LTR she needed to change her behavior. My LTR subsequently refused to go to her anymore (shocker) and the relationship was over soon after.

2. Most couple's therapists are not very good at their jobs. Take a look around and read up on these people and you can clearly see immediately they aren't people you would ever get advice from about much of anything, let alone how to run your relationships. Exceptions exist, but they are a minority. I had a particularly bad experience with the couple's counselor I went to in the second LTR I experienced it with. He was exceptionally biased towards her and everything in every session was typically about what I should be doing to make her more comfortable. I eventually refused to go on with him and I actually ended the LTR not soon after. The guy had impressive credentials, but was horrible at his job as he chose to view the relationship through a microscopic lens of hers and not listen to both sides -- at least not in any effective way.

Based on the above, couple's therapy very rarely works effectively for those reasons. It is a huge time and money sink and not worth it IMO. If you can't fix the sh1t on your own, the writing is likely on the wall.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

The two major problems with couple's therapy are:

1. Both people have to actually be willing to change their behavior and open to listening to what they're doing wrong. Most people, especially women in my experience, lack the ability to ever truly agree they are in the wrong in their relationship and usually just want a 3rd party to tell the man "how it is" and how he needs to be better to her. In both of my experiences with a couple's therapist, my two separate LTRs both had that mindset that we were going there because I needed to be better towards them. It is basically a non-starter. The couple's therapist I went to with my first LTR actually told my LTR she needed to change her behavior. My LTR subsequently refused to go to her anymore (shocker) and the relationship was over soon after.

2. Most couple's therapists are not very good at their jobs. Take a look around and read up on these people and you can clearly see immediately they aren't people you would ever get advice from about much of anything, let alone how to run your relationships. Exceptions exist, but they are a minority. I had a particularly bad experience with the couple's counselor I went to in the second LTR I experienced it with. He was exceptionally biased towards her and everything in every session was typically about what I should be doing to make her more comfortable. I eventually refused to go on with him and I actually ended the LTR not soon after. The guy had impressive credentials, but was horrible at his job as he chose to view the relationship through a microscopic lens of hers and not listen to both sides -- at least not in any effective way.

Based on the above, couple's therapy very rarely works effectively for those reasons. It is a huge time and money sink and not worth it IMO. If you can't fix the sh1t on your own, the writing is likely on the wall.

IMO, I don't think it's more women than men that don't want to change. Actually I think it's most men won't even GO to therapy in the first place so that fails before it even starts.

Most women will actually go but then may be resistant to the actual changes suggested. Men will just flat out refuse to go and say nothing is wrong.

 

[Westminster]

This kind of thing is female territory: talking, feelings, emotions, wasting money, etc. Avoid it would be my advice.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

This kind of thing is female territory: talking, feelings, emotions, wasting money, etc. Avoid it would be my advice.

Avoid it if you never want to have a quality long term relationship you mean.

At the end of the day, maintaining healthy long-term relationships take work and avoiding it is exactly why so many crumble.

Would be like saying avoiding changing the oil on your car. Eventually you are going to blow your engine.

Therapy is the end result of avoiding that work, it's a symptom of the problem that is like ending up in the ER because you didn't fix the minor issues sooner and ended up with a life and death situation on your hands instead.

 

[Westminster]

Avoid it if you never want to have a quality long term relationship you mean.

At the end of the day, maintaining healthy long-term relationships take work and avoiding it is exactly why so many crumble.

Would be like saying avoiding changing the oil on your car. Eventually you are going to blow your engine.

Therapy is the end result of avoiding that work, it's a symptom of the problem that is like ending up in the ER because you didn't fix the minor issues sooner and ended up with a life and death situation on your hands instead.

It's not for me and never will be. If a woman suggests we need to see a therapist, for me, it's already on its way out.

But then I'm English.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

It's not for me and never will be. If a woman suggests we need to see a therapist, for me, it's already on its way out.

But then I'm English.

If you are putting in the work in your relationship to properly maintain it, you won't need to, nor would she suggest it

 

[Westminster]

If you are putting in the work in your relationship to properly maintain it, you won't need to, nor would she suggest it

That's right. If it works, it works. If it fails, it fails. I don't involve third parties in my relationships. Nor do I think it would help.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

That's right. If it works, it works. If it fails, it fails. I don't involve third parties in my relationships. Nor do I think it would help.

The only issue with this would be if you are not putting in the work but you also don't think it would help.

Then you both refuse to accept that there is a problem to address and you refuse to accept that you need help to do so.

This would be the relationship version of being an alcoholic that refuses to admit he has a drinking problem and refuses to get help because of it.

 

[Westminster]

The only issue with this would be if you are not putting in the work but you also don't think it would help.

Then you both refuse to accept that there is a problem to address and you refuse to accept that you need help to do so.

This would be the relationship version of being an alcoholic that refuses to admit he has a drinking problem and refuses to get help because of it.

I'm not getting the analogies. If I'm an alcoholic that's my problem, as is servicing my car. A relationship with a woman is different, I'm not wanting a third party involved.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

I'm not getting the analogies. If I'm an alcoholic that's my problem, as is servicing my car. A relationship with a woman is different, I'm not wanting a third party involved.

Exactly. The third party would be the mechanic to replace the oil or the AAA meeting/counselor to address the alcoholism.

The overarching similarity is the refusal to accept there is a problem that requires help to deal with.

 

[Westminster]

Not really. If I have a problem with my car I take it to a mechanic. If I have a problem with a relationship and I can't fix its over. That's nobody else's problem.

 

[Bokanovsky]

I had a particularly bad experience with the couple's counselor I went to in the second LTR I experienced it with. He was exceptionally biased towards her and everything in every session was typically about what I should be doing to make her more comfortable. I eventually refused to go on with him and I actually ended the LTR not soon after. The guy had impressive credentials, but was horrible at his job as he chose to view the relationship through a microscopic lens of hers and not listen to both sides -- at least not in any effective way.

This is the reason why women love couples therapy. It's 100% female-centric. It somehow always ends up being about what the man has to do to fix relationship issues. Practice active listening, develop emotional intimacy, blah, blah, blah. They never give practical advice that women could benefit from, like complain less and suck d!ck more.

Therapists know that it's always women who drag their reluctant SO's into couples counselling (just like advertisers know that women make 80% of all purchase decisions regrading food and household items). If they want a repeat customer, they have to cater to the woman. It's a fvcking scam.

 

[OngBak]

This is the reason why women love couples therapy. It's 100% female-centric. It somehow always ends up being about what the man has to do to fix relationship issues. Practice active listening, develop emotional intimacy, blah, blah, blah. For some reason , they never give practical advice that women could benefit from, like complain less and suck d!ck more.

True, couple therapy mostly end up in a break up, saying that as a psych major

 

[Gamisch]

IMO, I don't think it's more women than men that don't want to change. Actually I think it's most men won't even GO to therapy in the first place so that fails before it even starts.

Most women will actually go but then may be resistant to the actual changes suggested. Men will just flat out refuse to go and say nothing is wrong.

Where did you get this info from?

 

[Gamisch]

This is the reason why women love couples therapy. It's 100% female-centric. It somehow always ends up being about what the man has to do to fix relationship issues. Practice active listening, develop emotional intimacy, blah, blah, blah. They never give practical advice that women could benefit from, like complain less and suck d!ck more.

Therapists know that it's always women who drag their reluctant SO's into couples counselling (just like advertisers know that women make 80% of all purchase decisions regrading food and household items). If they want a repeat customer, they have to cater to the woman. It's a fvcking scam.

Not necessarily true

A man who deals with a woman who " becomes a challenge over time" ( to put it VERY nicely as that's often tge case) will DEFINITELY pray that the therapist can be the neutral referee , a interpreter who can reach her brains.

Another one can be about the man who deals with an " baby momma terrorist ". When there are serious consequences involving assets and offspring and such, a therapist will SEEM to be a possible solution .

Having said that; most of the times when a modern LTR seeks helps from a medium like this it's been dead for a while already tho..especially when things are said and done that are unforgivable.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Where did you get this info from?

Because almost any time you hear about people going to therapy and one person doesn't want to go it's almost always the man, never the woman.

 

[BadBoy89]

OP has alot of theory questions and posts.

Anyway, if my LTR asked me to go see a therapist, I would say "OK under two conditions ."

1. It's a hot, never married, no kids, single, under30 female therapist.
2. I don't' pay for it