Bungo Pony
Master Don Juan
Some of you have come here because you were dumped by a woman who you thought was the greatest person who ever lived. Some of you have come here because none of the women in your life have treated you decently. In either case, you may make the decision at some point that you would like to have things settled, whether it be inner peace or whether it be peace with your ex. A lot of you may think that you have to forgive her for the emotional and/or financial trouble she cost you. NO YOU DON'T.
It's not necessary for you to forgive your ex to move ahead. This is not the way to achieve inner peace, and it certainly isn't the way to overcome the financial trouble she has caused you. You're not going to feel any better if you forgive her!
Forgiving the one who caused you such grief actually stops you from moving on with your life. There are two parts to forgiveness:
1) Giving up the need for revenge
2) Dismissing her from what she's done to you
Giving up the need to get revenge on her will help you move on with your life. Those who are out to get revenge on their ex-girlfriends will only prove that they still haven't gotten over their feelings for their exes. Plotting revenge gets one to focus on his frustrations for his ex. He focuses on these frustrations to cause action, and gain some sort of satisfaction from it. The satisfaction may be temporary, but the negative feelings toward her are still there. The person remains unhappy because his revenge hasn't brought total satisfaction. Revenge causes a person to become involved in a negative circle of actions and feelings rather than moving ahead in a straight line.
Now, dismissing what damage a woman has done to you is basically lying to yourself. Why should you dismiss her actions to cause you pain? Someone caused that pain, and you're going to be feeling it for quite a while.
Why should you dismiss her from:
leaving you for another guy?
cheating on you?
lying to you about how she'll never leave you?
fooling you into believing she loves you?
breaking the commitment of engagement?
breaking the bond of marriage?
(Death is the exception. Noone can stop their own death.)
Forgiving her also prevents you from focussing your anger toward her for what she's done to you. If you forgive her, you cannot direct anger toward her. Where does your anger go? It all stays inside of you. You end up thinking:
Maybe I'm not that good looking.
Maybe I'm just not good with women.
I'll never be able to find someone to love me.
I can't do anything right.
I'm going to be lonely for the rest of my life.
These are all negative thoughts. This is all anger that is built up, and it eats away at your self-esteem.
Another problem is after a guy forgives his ex, he believes he can become friends with her - the ultimate in getting over her. It may feel like it helps when you're still able to hang out with her, but as soon as another guy enters the picture, all the frustration comes back. Feelings of hurt, anger, betrayal, sadness, etc all come back. The guy finds himself right back where he started. He hasn't moved ahead, he has made a u-turn in his progress of moving on.
I'd be lying if I told you that all the pain caused by my ex-fiance is all gone. But it's much better if any anger I have for her is put onto her shoulders rather than mine. I've been able to deal with my pain much better by realizing that SHE was the one who caused it. To "Forgive and Forget" is to "Pretend it didn't Happen". Don't lie to yourself. It DID happen, she DID cause you pain, she DID take you for a ride emotionally.
Now, instead of taking all the frustration and pain that your ex caused and using it for revenge, use it to motivate yourself to get away from women like her. Use it to push yourself into better situations, to achieve a more fulfilling, satisfying, and much happier life, and lastly, to find a better woman. You've survived the pain she caused, so reward yourself with a new life.
It's not necessary for you to forgive your ex to move ahead. This is not the way to achieve inner peace, and it certainly isn't the way to overcome the financial trouble she has caused you. You're not going to feel any better if you forgive her!
Forgiving the one who caused you such grief actually stops you from moving on with your life. There are two parts to forgiveness:
1) Giving up the need for revenge
2) Dismissing her from what she's done to you
Giving up the need to get revenge on her will help you move on with your life. Those who are out to get revenge on their ex-girlfriends will only prove that they still haven't gotten over their feelings for their exes. Plotting revenge gets one to focus on his frustrations for his ex. He focuses on these frustrations to cause action, and gain some sort of satisfaction from it. The satisfaction may be temporary, but the negative feelings toward her are still there. The person remains unhappy because his revenge hasn't brought total satisfaction. Revenge causes a person to become involved in a negative circle of actions and feelings rather than moving ahead in a straight line.
Now, dismissing what damage a woman has done to you is basically lying to yourself. Why should you dismiss her actions to cause you pain? Someone caused that pain, and you're going to be feeling it for quite a while.
Why should you dismiss her from:
leaving you for another guy?
cheating on you?
lying to you about how she'll never leave you?
fooling you into believing she loves you?
breaking the commitment of engagement?
breaking the bond of marriage?
(Death is the exception. Noone can stop their own death.)
Forgiving her also prevents you from focussing your anger toward her for what she's done to you. If you forgive her, you cannot direct anger toward her. Where does your anger go? It all stays inside of you. You end up thinking:
Maybe I'm not that good looking.
Maybe I'm just not good with women.
I'll never be able to find someone to love me.
I can't do anything right.
I'm going to be lonely for the rest of my life.
These are all negative thoughts. This is all anger that is built up, and it eats away at your self-esteem.
Another problem is after a guy forgives his ex, he believes he can become friends with her - the ultimate in getting over her. It may feel like it helps when you're still able to hang out with her, but as soon as another guy enters the picture, all the frustration comes back. Feelings of hurt, anger, betrayal, sadness, etc all come back. The guy finds himself right back where he started. He hasn't moved ahead, he has made a u-turn in his progress of moving on.
I'd be lying if I told you that all the pain caused by my ex-fiance is all gone. But it's much better if any anger I have for her is put onto her shoulders rather than mine. I've been able to deal with my pain much better by realizing that SHE was the one who caused it. To "Forgive and Forget" is to "Pretend it didn't Happen". Don't lie to yourself. It DID happen, she DID cause you pain, she DID take you for a ride emotionally.
Now, instead of taking all the frustration and pain that your ex caused and using it for revenge, use it to motivate yourself to get away from women like her. Use it to push yourself into better situations, to achieve a more fulfilling, satisfying, and much happier life, and lastly, to find a better woman. You've survived the pain she caused, so reward yourself with a new life.