You don't have to forgive her

[Bungo Pony]

Some of you have come here because you were dumped by a woman who you thought was the greatest person who ever lived. Some of you have come here because none of the women in your life have treated you decently. In either case, you may make the decision at some point that you would like to have things settled, whether it be inner peace or whether it be peace with your ex. A lot of you may think that you have to forgive her for the emotional and/or financial trouble she cost you. NO YOU DON'T.

It's not necessary for you to forgive your ex to move ahead. This is not the way to achieve inner peace, and it certainly isn't the way to overcome the financial trouble she has caused you. You're not going to feel any better if you forgive her!

Forgiving the one who caused you such grief actually stops you from moving on with your life. There are two parts to forgiveness:

1) Giving up the need for revenge
2) Dismissing her from what she's done to you

Giving up the need to get revenge on her will help you move on with your life. Those who are out to get revenge on their ex-girlfriends will only prove that they still haven't gotten over their feelings for their exes. Plotting revenge gets one to focus on his frustrations for his ex. He focuses on these frustrations to cause action, and gain some sort of satisfaction from it. The satisfaction may be temporary, but the negative feelings toward her are still there. The person remains unhappy because his revenge hasn't brought total satisfaction. Revenge causes a person to become involved in a negative circle of actions and feelings rather than moving ahead in a straight line.

Now, dismissing what damage a woman has done to you is basically lying to yourself. Why should you dismiss her actions to cause you pain? Someone caused that pain, and you're going to be feeling it for quite a while.

Why should you dismiss her from:
leaving you for another guy?
cheating on you?
lying to you about how she'll never leave you?
fooling you into believing she loves you?
breaking the commitment of engagement?
breaking the bond of marriage?

(Death is the exception. Noone can stop their own death.)

Forgiving her also prevents you from focussing your anger toward her for what she's done to you. If you forgive her, you cannot direct anger toward her. Where does your anger go? It all stays inside of you. You end up thinking:
Maybe I'm not that good looking.
Maybe I'm just not good with women.
I'll never be able to find someone to love me.
I can't do anything right.
I'm going to be lonely for the rest of my life.

These are all negative thoughts. This is all anger that is built up, and it eats away at your self-esteem.

Another problem is after a guy forgives his ex, he believes he can become friends with her - the ultimate in getting over her. It may feel like it helps when you're still able to hang out with her, but as soon as another guy enters the picture, all the frustration comes back. Feelings of hurt, anger, betrayal, sadness, etc all come back. The guy finds himself right back where he started. He hasn't moved ahead, he has made a u-turn in his progress of moving on.

I'd be lying if I told you that all the pain caused by my ex-fiance is all gone. But it's much better if any anger I have for her is put onto her shoulders rather than mine. I've been able to deal with my pain much better by realizing that SHE was the one who caused it. To "Forgive and Forget" is to "Pretend it didn't Happen". Don't lie to yourself. It DID happen, she DID cause you pain, she DID take you for a ride emotionally.

Now, instead of taking all the frustration and pain that your ex caused and using it for revenge, use it to motivate yourself to get away from women like her. Use it to push yourself into better situations, to achieve a more fulfilling, satisfying, and much happier life, and lastly, to find a better woman. You've survived the pain she caused, so reward yourself with a new life.

 

[Dimebag_Darrell]

women are just a bunch of c*nts and cause too many problems..

I don't want to be a DJ anymore, I'm gonna buy a house down in the swamps of Southern Lousiana and get drunk everyday so I don't have to see these pustualting humans ever again......

 

[Lo Hung Wang]

Very well said. Concise and truthful. I think its all round bible material.

(Bungo Pony's post that is)

 

[Clint Eastwood]

Great post Bungo! It even helped me. I've been struggling with this concept. I've been trying to decide whether to forgive an ex for certain things. Even though, I treated her bad in some ways at least I was always respectful. I would have at least had the decency to break up with her when I had no feelings left. Even though part of the blame is mine, now I realize it's her fault, too.

Now I understand that it's okay to be angry with her, for a lot of reasons that I won't mention. I realize that it's okay if I don't forgive her. Things were left ambiguous and unsaid when I broke up with her. It made it hard to move on. For months, I couldn't even bring myself to talk to women, let alone date anyone. It's better when things end more clearly.

With my favorite ex, I was really angry. (I call her my favorite ex, to clear up any confusion about which girl I'm talking about. And because she was great in the sack. ) There were no questions as far as whose fault it was. I had no intentions of ever forgiving her. That made me change from being such a wussy, into a real man. That made it easy for me to move on.

Once I had moved on, my anger with my favorite ex faded. Now, I have forgiven her and feel better. That doesn't mean I'll go back to being like I was when I dated her. I'm forever changed. And, I won't ever go back to her for any reason, but I can at least be friendly with her.

With my most recent ex, I'm still very pi$$ed. She's moving away soon. I haven't talked to her since the day I broke up with her. I can't stand the site of her. I've hit rock bottom and was still having trouble moving on. I've been on two bad dates since. I'm on the longest dry spell in my life.

But, now I think I can move on. Even though the anger is still there, I have to get on with my life. It's been hard, but I'm back on my feet. In time, I'm sure that my anger with her will fade, but the lessons learned will remain for a life time.

It's just so hard to get over some things that b*tches do. I hate to become bitter, jaded, and cynical. It's ironic that I'm becoming more of a jerk. Women end up creating the very man that breaks their heart and hurts them the most. I hate becoming that man, but it's so hard not to.

 

[Lo Hung Wang]

I truly believe that no concious SANE person enjoys or wants to create pain for others.

I forgive ex's for creating pain because they are not in touch with themselves. Its also important to forgive yourself for responding negatively with revenge or self pity, after all.....we're only human.

That being said, it doesn't mean you have to be her friend or even respect her for that matter - to me it means that it is part of the past and has no effect on the present. Whatever your situation may be.

Its an ongoing process, and its happening right now as I type, each day I become stronger and more aware.

 

[Slickster]

The other day I ran into my ex with her new bf. Just like you said I took a huge U-turn in my progress of getting over her.

Recently I found myself in the emergency room of the hospital. Had the worst pain in my gut. Scared the hell out of me. I started thinking about "what if" I did die.

The last few times I've seem my ex I'd given her the cold shoulder. Did want her to think things were OK between us.

Well if I did die that would have been a pretty sh*tty way to have left things. We were together for many years and she was my best friend. Although I hate what she did to me I do still "love" her. (less and less as a lover, but still as a person).

So I decided I wanted to "make peace". I thought maybe we could be friends. So I gave her a call. Please note I have no illusions about getting her back.

My goal was to tell her I was in the hospital, had a scare, was thinking about her AND in a "friendly" way, "love ya", "miss ya."

Somewhere in the conversation I say "I've been thinking about you. I miss you"
She says "I'm sorry"

When we were saying goodbye I say "Good talking to you, love ya Jen"
She says "Okay, I'll talk to you later"

If she would have given me a friendly "miss you too" or "love ya" back I would have felt relieved and all would be good.

Instead, for me reaching out to someone I considered my very best friend for many years. I got some Cold A$$ sh*t.

Your post finds me at a time when I needed it the most.

Thanks Bungo.

Slick

 

[The Business Man]

Excellent post, Bungo Poney. This is something that nearly everyone has to face when a good LTR is ended. I will remember this if it happens to me again.

 

[Eternal]

Bungo...Keep up the good work...Don't let you fiance/wife keep you from here.

 

[Livingitup22]

Hey, Slickster, you have every right to be angry with your ex. What a very cold and callous way to treat another person, let alone someone who she had with a deep friendship.


Building on the Anger topic for a minute, the situation you describe is similar to some experiences of my own and others I've been close to.It illustrates what is probably the biggest gripe I have with women: The very casual and arbitrary way they deal with friendship and emotional connection. In a recent post, I stated my belief that rejection or betrayal by a friend was more damging to one's psyche than the end of a romantic relationship. Relationships with the opposite sex are driven, to a large degree, by sexual biology. Friendships are more reflective of a commonality of interests, ideals, beliefs, and experiences and are more crucial to a person's sense of well-being

Think about it. Women ask men to "just be their friends" as a means of ending sexual advances or easing out of a relationship. Would you every walk up to some guy at work or school and ask him to be your friend as a means of getting rid of him? No. Because men have a better understanding of what friendship entails. Men have a greater sense of solidarity with their buddies than women do with their friends. Women bond more easily, men more deeply.

Under the right circumstances, you can have a good friendship with an Ex. Maybe not right away, but it is possible in some instances. But most women instinctively push their Ex to the side, as far to the periphery as she can, for he is longer the love of her life. He is not even a friend. He is a rejected lover, pure and simple. She is primarily concerned that he will interfere with the the blooming relationship she now is in. Notice that A woman will not break contact with her Ex if she remains single, unless he is abusive or dangerous and sometimes not even then. She'll return to him for emotional support or sex, but as soon as the next guy comes along, he is out, or nearly out, of her life. I can understand to a degree why women do this in some situations; Some guys just can't get a clue that it's over, are overbearing, or obsessed. But to throw away a good friendship with a guy whose willing to be one? That I will never understand.

Women are right.Romantic involvement can and does ruin friendships. But it's the women who takes the friendship off life support.....

 

[Livingitup22]

There some bitter Dj's who need to read this "bump"

 

[Slickster]

Thanks Livingitup, Good post. I agree completely.

Women are at times ungrateful and stupid when it comes to friendships.

 

[iqqi]

slickster, i think that was great what you did. showed your class. but did you do it thinking that she owed you something? (like friendliness, or gratitude?) did you do it expecting something back?("me too, slickster!") because that is where you went wrong.

you SAID your reason for calling was because you care about her as a person, always will, and if something were to happen to you, you want her to know this.

guess what! you accomplished your goal! be happy. who cares if she was cold. maybe she hasn't reached your level of enlightenment.

be sure you know what your reasons really were.

 

[Slickster]

Originally posted by iqqi
you SAID your reason for calling was because you care about her as a person, always will, and if something were to happen to you, you want her to know this.

guess what! you accomplished your goal! be happy. who cares if she was cold. maybe she hasn't reached your level of enlightenment.

be sure you know what your reasons really were.

Good point. I guess I was expecting some compassion since I had the scare in the hospital. You're right I did achieve my goal, but sadly it fell on deaf ears. All she cares about now is the new guy.

She knows she really hurt me. And when I saw her recently with her new bf she really rubbed it in my face. They were all over each other and they even came over and sat by where I was sitting.

I'd been doing well with getting over her but that episode really messed me up. However I'm following Bungo's advice and I do feel a lot better taking the anger I feel and placing it on her shoulders.

Thanks for the help.

 

[VIVAlasVEGASBaby]

bump!

 

[mtbbkr111]

Well anger is only one part of getting over a breakup. You can't ignore it or it will build up inside and you will eventually explode, but you cannot also start being spiteful towards others, women, life in general. You have to let the anger run its course through you and then let it go. This doesn't apply to just anger, but energy in general. I can't claim this as my own, but it is insightful:

"Forget why. That doesn't matter anymore and in 10 years time it matters even less. Now is all that matters. You have to prepare for the 'future now'.
Allot of energy has gone into what you had. Masses of energy are still there in a very stealthy form. And that energy has to be used up or expended. Getting over someone is about emptying all of 'their' energy out of 'your' mind. Since you met, that energy has been stored up somewhere, and it has increased every time you met, spoke, laughed, joked, argued, etc...
Once you have exhausted their energy out of your life, you are free
Life is just a period of time where energy changes form. Your life is just a period of time where you participate in the changes of energy."

You can exhaust energy by getting a new hobby, exercise, hanging out with friends (we all know what to do)…
It all comes down to self-worth. Are you going to let a woman (or any other physical thing) be responsible for your happiness? Of course not, you are responsible for your own happiness (that is one of the main purposes of this site).

This probably could be a thread on its own (and there are probably hundreds like it). But I thought it was fitting...

 

[Ripper]

The most important thing is to forgive yourself for the mistakes you made.

 

[VIVAlasVEGASBaby]

Now, instead of taking all the frustration and pain that your ex caused and using it for revenge, use it to motivate yourself to get away from women like her. Use it to push yourself into better situations, to achieve a more fulfilling, satisfying, and much happier life, and lastly, to find a better woman. You've survived the pain she caused, so reward yourself with a new life.

I think this is probably the best advice i've seen on dealing with a break-up. Forgive yourself for the mistakes you made, but sometimes this whole "DJ" thing can become a little too much. Rather than punishing yourself for "being too afc" or "not being enough of a challenge", maybe realize that it wasn't really your fault. At the end of the day, all the techniques and advice on this website can't force a woman to love us. Sometimes even the best DJ can get dumped.