You and Your Ego

[fastlife]

Was in the process of responding to @Glumix's thread: http://www.sosuave.net/forum/index.php?threads/i-am-really-sad-tonight.232398/page-2 but realized it was the 'Mature Man' section and didn't want to upset the mods.

With the only plate of those stories I got it pretty good but not good enough. I am really bad at calling women on their sh1t because of my ego. Because I am afraid of their judgment on me and because I am judging myself bad if I do that.

Their reaction isn't your responsibility. If you're being authentic to yourself, there's nothing to apologize for or to feel badly about. Embrace all emotional possibilities (theirs and your)--negative and positive.

My current moral is jerk = bad and that is also a judgment. The same judgment that says that single mother = bad or older women = bad.

Being judgmental is a form of disrespect and alienation. Chances are, people are really living their lives in the way that works best for them--whether that matches up with your perception of what's best for them is irrelevant. It won't change their reality--and it'll keep you from ever connecting with anybody.

Let's get moral for a moment. Your morals are your own and you can't expect someone else to live up to those morals. You can't project your morals onto other people. But let's take honesty; as two moral people, you'd agree that honesty is important, no? Being honest is the moral thing to do, right? So be honest with yourself--your relationship to yourself is the most important relationship of all; and if you're being dishonest with yourself, you'll be dishonest with other people regardless of how you choose to rationalize your 'honesty.'

My own morals are that things are bad to the extent that they result in cognitive dissonance. It's OK to only want a girl for sex; if you're being honest with yourself, sometimes that'll be all you want with a girl. It's OK to not be interested in what other people say if what they're saying doesn't interest you; if you're being honest with yourself sometimes you really won't care. It's OK to not respond to texts until you feel like responding to them, if ever; if you're being honest with yourself sometimes you just won't feel like responding.

All of the above behavior, from a certain reference point, can be construed as 'jerkish.' But is it? It's not coming from a place of manipulation or 'taking'--it's coming from a place of practicing radical self-honesty. And guess what? Most girls won't question actions that come from that place--they'll only try to manipulate you to the extent that they sense a discrepancy between your thoughts and your actions. Right now, you're being dishonest and manipulative by pretending to care or for not acting because you're afraid of what the girl will think.

As far as single moms and older women go, is that judgement moralistic (i.e. ego-based) or is it pragmatic? I have absolutely nothing against single moms; but I wouldn't date one. I have nothing against older women; but I wouldn't date one. Are they bad? I don't think so. But it's not practical for me to date them.

I catch myself way too many times giving sympathy even though the second before I was teasing but then the conversation change, they start complaining and instead of focusing on what I want, I focus on them. Not sure where is the balance here.

Practice guiding conversations to what you want to talk about. My M.O. in talking to people is figuring out what makes them tick--to understand them and accept them (which is damn rare and gives them value)--listening to her complain about her day at work doesn't get me any closer to figuring out who she is. If a girl says something you don't agree with, say something like, "Wait, you really believe that?" Or stop, smile and say, "You're such a b*tch." Or just lean in for a kiss. Convos don't have to be linear or logical. Cut threads you don't like; nurture threads you do.

But yeah, the real question is, what do I want from those women?

Does there have to be a definite outcome? I mentioned my goal in any conversation I have. Not saying that that's what would work best for you. But you should definitely be having fun--if it's not fun for you, why bother?

From the plate of those stories, I got s3x and then I got bored because she couldn't stop complaining. Am I the sole cause of her constantly complaining?

Notice how egotistical this question is? You're not that important lol. If the girl is upset, that isn't your fault. If the girl is happy, it isn't because you're some awesome dude. Her emotions are her responsibility--she's choosing to be happy or unhappy (don't give yourself so much credit, because in the end you'll start feeling responsible for other people's feelings & actions; you're not that in control; this type of mindset leads to codependency and unhappiness).

And to challenge that idea of destroying the ego. If you actually do that, what will prevent you from calling your BPD ex ? Because actually, aren't you scared of not calling her back to discover that she became a nice woman and finally found a manly enough man who had the balls to tame her ?

Isn't our ego also preventing us from going towards sh1t ?

Kill/destroy might be too strong of a word. I'm not sure you can ever do it--or that you should. But you should definitely be in total, rational control of your ego and not let your ego dictate your actions. Your ego is a survival mechanism--meaning it cares more about your survival than your happiness--but we're not in an environment where survival is all that important. In the past, if you upset the tribe your a$$ was grass, better not upset anyone, gotta get people to like me. These days, that's just not the case--it's outdated mental software.

Your ego clings to a definite state of external reality--stability, comfort, etc. So if I'm the guy who never gets rejected, if that's what my ego's invested in, I'm also the guy who never approaches women--that would be letting external factors risk my view of myself. If I'm the guy who's loyal, respectful, forgiving, committed, and believes that love lasts forever, if that's what my ego's invested in, I'm also the guy that takes back a cheating girlfriend. If I'm narcissistic and need to have everybody love and admire me, what happens when I run into someone who doesn't? I cut them out of my life entirely, or I manipulate them or rage at them or whatever--because I need them to love and admire me to validate my grandiose self-image.

Your ego is what compares itself to other people. Your ego is what was enmeshed with your BPD ex to begin with. If you had control of your ego, you would've never been manipulated by the love bombing, the push-pull, the gaslighting, etc. No, the need to go complete NC is an ego-defense; you have to protect your ego from what your ex might say or do, since you know you won't be able to control your own emotional reaction. Your sense of self-worth is still tied up in her to some extent. Likewise, the need to break NC is equally ego-driven: Your ego craves that validation, or needs closure, or desperately wants her to apologize or admit that you weren't a sh1tty person or whatever. There's a reason pwBPD and pwNPD pair off; and there's a reason codependents and pwBPD pair off--it all comes back to ego-driven dysfunction.

Personally, I wouldn't get anything out of a phone call with my ex--good or bad. Would talking to her upset me? Nope. Would it make me happy or validate that maybe she really loved me after all? Nah. It'd just be a phone call--wouldn't cost me any self-respect; I wouldn't be getting back with her; I wouldn't be sending her a money-order or anything. There's nothing in it for her or me, so I doubt it'll ever happen. If it does, I'll be glad to shoot the sh1t.

 

[fastlife]

How did you kill your ego?

Didn't have a choice. My false-self was totally shattered by my ex and it was either put a bullet through my head or figure sh1t out ASAP. But what helped me more than anything was meditation and reading things that challenged my self-concept. The Book of Pook (which you can find for free w/ a Google search) and The Rational Male were both helpful reads for me (I had a lot of socially-conditioned ego-investments I wasn't aware of).

As far as meditating, I use this visualization:

. The idea is that in a Theta state, you can rewire your subconscious. You can change the feedback loops in your brain. Now, the ego is externally influenced. There's a feedback loop you buy into--if I do X I'm good and people will love me, but if I do Y I'm bad and people will dislike me. My goal is to make those feedback loops self-contained.

I'll literally think to myself: I'm the sh1t. Everybody loves me. I love me. Every girl wants me. And I'll find ways to visualize those things. Sounds pretty narcissistic, right? But it's not narcissistic, because you don't require anyone else to behave a certain way. Those are self-affirmed beliefs that aren't affected by external reality. You don't need other people to think good things about you. So for me, if a girl rejects me I'm just like, Doesn't matter. I'm the sh1t. If a girl goes to bed with me--Well of course she went to bed with me, I'm the ****. But you're outcome independent and your sense of self-worth isn't affected one way or the other. Instead of thinking, If I sleep with her that must mean that I'm an OK person--and if she doesn't, well, then there's something wrong with me or she's a dumb wh0re. OMG why isn't she texting me back???, it's more like, I want to sleep with her because sex is fun. She never gets to enter that self-feedback loop.

Additionally, I really focus on centering myself in my body--really getting in touch with myself on a primal level and enjoying my physicality (whereas your ego lives in your head). You have all types of useful instincts that you're keeping repressed. Nothing's more than fulfilling--for you or her--than letting your body go into autopilot around an attractive girl. You'll literally say and do all the right things automatically.

 

[Glumix]

Thanks fastlife for your answers. I have read and will probably read them a few more times.
Glad I have challenged your ideas in the other thread.

 

[Doc Kas]

This guy is on the right path.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Didn't have a choice. My false-self was totally shattered by my ex and it was either put a bullet through my head or figure sh1t out ASAP. But what helped me more than anything was meditation and reading things that challenged my self-concept. The Book of Pook (which you can find for free w/ a Google search) and The Rational Male were both helpful reads for me (I had a lot of socially-conditioned ego-investments I wasn't aware of).

As far as meditating, I use this visualization:

. The idea is that in a Theta state, you can rewire your subconscious. You can change the feedback loops in your brain. Now, the ego is externally influenced. There's a feedback loop you buy into--if I do X I'm good and people will love me, but if I do Y I'm bad and people will dislike me. My goal is to make those feedback loops self-contained.

I'll literally think to myself: I'm the sh1t. Everybody loves me. I love me. Every girl wants me. And I'll find ways to visualize those things. Sounds pretty narcissistic, right? But it's not narcissistic, because you don't require anyone else to behave a certain way. Those are self-affirmed beliefs that aren't affected by external reality. You don't need other people to think good things about you. So for me, if a girl rejects me I'm just like, Doesn't matter. I'm the sh1t. If a girl goes to bed with me--Well of course she went to bed with me, I'm the ****. But you're outcome independent and your sense of self-worth isn't affected one way or the other. Instead of thinking, If I sleep with her that must mean that I'm an OK person--and if she doesn't, well, then there's something wrong with me or she's a dumb wh0re. OMG why isn't she texting me back???, it's more like, I want to sleep with her because sex is fun. She never gets to enter that self-feedback loop.

Additionally, I really focus on centering myself in my body--really getting in touch with myself on a primal level and enjoying my physicality (whereas your ego lives in your head). You have all types of useful instincts that you're keeping repressed. Nothing's more than fulfilling--for you or her--than letting your body go into autopilot around an attractive girl. You'll literally say and do all the right things automatically.

This thinking and focus affects your VIBES and waves and body language, etc. This is huge. Without saying a word attraction is caused.

 

[BeExcellent]

So happy this thread got a bump...@fastlife nails it regarding outcome independence and internal validation.

Once you achieve internal validation and outcome independence very little can rattle you in life.

Are you still human? Will you occasionally experience anger or disappointment? Sure. But those emotions will not control you because your own positive internal calibration will cause those emotions to function as intended short term, serve a purpose, teach us something and then resolve back to a natural state of equilibrium. From that state of balance one can progress forward with the benefit of whatever lesson the experience taught.

The ego serves a purpose but must be managed. Seek out accomplished people who possess humility and you can see the results in action.

 

[wifehunter]

 

[youngprodigy]

So weird, I was thinking about having an "ego" earlier in during my day. Not to the extent of the poster you've quoted, but regarding the difference between a "good" and "bad" ego. You did a really good job of distinguishing the two. Others influences in society can make it difficult to see it just as clearly.

In my opinion, a bad ego would be behaving in a way to meet the expectations of those around you, while disregarding your own morals. An example would be receiving all the information presented by TRP and still following blue pill ideologies because thats the norm.

Being selfish is looked down upon. A boy who doesn't want to LTR a girl with a high kill count could be seen as hypocritical, emotional, sensitive, selfish, childish and the list goes on. But why does what they think of you have to change your behaviour to something that goes against what you believe in. At the end of the day, whatever you do should be for your own self interest, regardless of what others may think. You're the captain of your own ship, consider everyone else in your life as neighbouring ships. You're all responsible for making sure your own ass doesn't sink before you can even care about anyone else.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

So weird, I was thinking about having an "ego" earlier in during my day. Not to the extent of the poster you've quoted, but regarding the difference between a "good" and "bad" ego. You did a really good job of distinguishing the two. Others influences in society can make it difficult to see it just as clearly.

In my opinion, a bad ego would be behaving in a way to meet the expectations of those around you, while disregarding your own morals. An example would be receiving all the information presented by TRP and still following blue pill ideologies because thats the norm.

Being selfish is looked down upon. A boy who doesn't want to LTR a girl with a high kill count could be seen as hypocritical, emotional, sensitive, selfish, childish and the list goes on. But why does what they think of you have to change your behaviour to something that goes against what you believe in. At the end of the day, whatever you do should be for your own self interest, regardless of what others may think. You're the captain of your own ship, consider everyone else in your life as neighbouring ships. You're all responsible for making sure your own ass doesn't sink before you can even care about anyone else.

What about if a woman is on your ship? Her decisions and the your decisions behind her can sink or float you.

 

[Doc Kas]

So happy this thread got a bump...@fastlife nails it regarding outcome independence and internal validation.

Once you achieve internal validation and outcome independence very little can rattle you in life.

Are you still human? Will you occasionally experience anger or disappointment? Sure. But those emotions will not control you because your own positive internal calibration will cause those emotions to function as intended short term, serve a purpose, teach us something and then resolve back to a natural state of equilibrium. From that state of balance one can progress forward with the benefit of whatever lesson the experience taught.

The ego serves a purpose but must be managed. Seek out accomplished people who possess humility and you can see the results in action.

Been browsing content by fastlife and yourself. Pearls of wisdom and life experience are sprinkled throughout your posts.

 

[youngprodigy]

What about if a woman is on your ship? Her decisions and the your decisions behind her can sink or float you.

Don't let her get on it unless she's screened and worthy

 

[fastlife]

So weird, I was thinking about having an "ego" earlier in during my day. Not to the extent of the poster you've quoted, but regarding the difference between a "good" and "bad" ego. You did a really good job of distinguishing the two. Others influences in society can make it difficult to see it just as clearly.

In my opinion, a bad ego would be behaving in a way to meet the expectations of those around you, while disregarding your own morals. An example would be receiving all the information presented by TRP and still following blue pill ideologies because thats the norm.

Being selfish is looked down upon. A boy who doesn't want to LTR a girl with a high kill count could be seen as hypocritical, emotional, sensitive, selfish, childish and the list goes on. But why does what they think of you have to change your behaviour to something that goes against what you believe in. At the end of the day, whatever you do should be for your own self interest, regardless of what others may think. You're the captain of your own ship, consider everyone else in your life as neighbouring ships. You're all responsible for making sure your own ass doesn't sink before you can even care about anyone else.

Being selfish is an extremely important part of being authentic. Only selfish people, who have already made sure all their needs are met, can give from a place of authenticity & no expectation. Generally speaking (some people will like you no matter what), other people only value you to the extent that you value yourself.

'Bad ego' prevents you from taking honest self inventory of how much you have left in the tank/what you, deep down, feel to be right vs. what other people ask/expect from/think about you. But all ego can be 'good' or 'bad' depending on context.

For instance, one of my all time favorite things in the world is getting other guys laid. I set up randos on the street; I hand off girls to guys I don't know, and I've had several friends I've taken under my wing. Well, about a year ago I had a friend confide in me that he didn't know what he was doing & he wanted my help. So we'd go out once a week for a month or two. Great guy, not bad looking, but a total hard case--social anxiety, fvcked up childhood, depression, soft spoken, overly 'nice,' don't rock the boat, etc. It got to the point where I started bailing on sets who were super into me (but not him) so that I wouldn't leave him stranded. Before I know it, I'm on a two month dry spell--and he hasn't improved enough to get any tangible results.

Now, my impulse to help him out (my ego around that situation, if you will), had originally been from a place of abundance. I wasn't struggling; he was; why not help someone out who had the desire to improve himself? So I had to make a choice: I could either keep helping him, and resent the fact that he was keeping me from getting laid or I could tell him he's on his own but that he has the keys to do it for himself. In this case I chose the latter, but I've had plenty of times in the past where I was too stubborn, too ego-invested, too worried about hurting other people's feelings to prioritize myself over them--and those times were painful & left me so drained that it took months to recover.

Luckily, this guy was cool with the situation--but sometimes you'll lose friends when you can no longer give them what they've grown to expect from you. Sometimes people will even vilify you. But nothing feels worse than living your life for other people while ignoring your own needs.

 

[Doc Kas]

Being selfish is an extremely important part of being authentic. Only selfish people, who have already made sure all their needs are met, can give from a place of authenticity & no expectation. Generally speaking (some people will like you no matter what), other people only value you to the extent that you value yourself.

'Bad ego' prevents you from taking honest self inventory of how much you have left in the tank/what you, deep down, feel to be right vs. what other people ask/expect from/think about you. But all ego can be 'good' or 'bad' depending on context.

For instance, one of my all time favorite things in the world is getting other guys laid. I set up randos on the street; I hand off girls to guys I don't know, and I've had several friends I've taken under my wing. Well, about a year ago I had a friend confide in me that he didn't know what he was doing & he wanted my help. So we'd go out once a week for a month or two. Great guy, not bad looking, but a total hard case--social anxiety, fvcked up childhood, depression, soft spoken, overly 'nice,' don't rock the boat, etc. It got to the point where I started bailing on sets who were super into me (but not him) so that I wouldn't leave him stranded. Before I know it, I'm on a two month dry spell--and he hasn't improved enough to get any tangible results.

Now, my impulse to help him out (my ego around that situation, if you will), had originally been from a place of abundance. I wasn't struggling; he was; why not help someone out who had the desire to improve himself? So I had to make a choice: I could either keep helping him, and resent the fact that he was keeping me from getting laid or I could tell him he's on his own but that he has the keys to do it for himself. In this case I chose the latter, but I've had plenty of times in the past where I was too stubborn, too ego-invested, too worried about hurting other people's feelings to prioritize myself over them--and those times were painful & left me so drained that it took months to recover.

Luckily, this guy was cool with the situation--but sometimes you'll lose friends when you can no longer give them what they've grown to expect from you. Sometimes people will even vilify you. But nothing feels worse than living your life for other people while ignoring your own needs.

Completely agree with this post, particularly in regards to being selfish.