Was in the process of responding to @Glumix's thread: http://www.sosuave.net/forum/index.php?threads/i-am-really-sad-tonight.232398/page-2 but realized it was the 'Mature Man' section and didn't want to upset the mods.
Let's get moral for a moment. Your morals are your own and you can't expect someone else to live up to those morals. You can't project your morals onto other people. But let's take honesty; as two moral people, you'd agree that honesty is important, no? Being honest is the moral thing to do, right? So be honest with yourself--your relationship to yourself is the most important relationship of all; and if you're being dishonest with yourself, you'll be dishonest with other people regardless of how you choose to rationalize your 'honesty.'
My own morals are that things are bad to the extent that they result in cognitive dissonance. It's OK to only want a girl for sex; if you're being honest with yourself, sometimes that'll be all you want with a girl. It's OK to not be interested in what other people say if what they're saying doesn't interest you; if you're being honest with yourself sometimes you really won't care. It's OK to not respond to texts until you feel like responding to them, if ever; if you're being honest with yourself sometimes you just won't feel like responding.
All of the above behavior, from a certain reference point, can be construed as 'jerkish.' But is it? It's not coming from a place of manipulation or 'taking'--it's coming from a place of practicing radical self-honesty. And guess what? Most girls won't question actions that come from that place--they'll only try to manipulate you to the extent that they sense a discrepancy between your thoughts and your actions. Right now, you're being dishonest and manipulative by pretending to care or for not acting because you're afraid of what the girl will think.
As far as single moms and older women go, is that judgement moralistic (i.e. ego-based) or is it pragmatic? I have absolutely nothing against single moms; but I wouldn't date one. I have nothing against older women; but I wouldn't date one. Are they bad? I don't think so. But it's not practical for me to date them.
Your ego clings to a definite state of external reality--stability, comfort, etc. So if I'm the guy who never gets rejected, if that's what my ego's invested in, I'm also the guy who never approaches women--that would be letting external factors risk my view of myself. If I'm the guy who's loyal, respectful, forgiving, committed, and believes that love lasts forever, if that's what my ego's invested in, I'm also the guy that takes back a cheating girlfriend. If I'm narcissistic and need to have everybody love and admire me, what happens when I run into someone who doesn't? I cut them out of my life entirely, or I manipulate them or rage at them or whatever--because I need them to love and admire me to validate my grandiose self-image.
Your ego is what compares itself to other people. Your ego is what was enmeshed with your BPD ex to begin with. If you had control of your ego, you would've never been manipulated by the love bombing, the push-pull, the gaslighting, etc. No, the need to go complete NC is an ego-defense; you have to protect your ego from what your ex might say or do, since you know you won't be able to control your own emotional reaction. Your sense of self-worth is still tied up in her to some extent. Likewise, the need to break NC is equally ego-driven: Your ego craves that validation, or needs closure, or desperately wants her to apologize or admit that you weren't a sh1tty person or whatever. There's a reason pwBPD and pwNPD pair off; and there's a reason codependents and pwBPD pair off--it all comes back to ego-driven dysfunction.
Personally, I wouldn't get anything out of a phone call with my ex--good or bad. Would talking to her upset me? Nope. Would it make me happy or validate that maybe she really loved me after all? Nah. It'd just be a phone call--wouldn't cost me any self-respect; I wouldn't be getting back with her; I wouldn't be sending her a money-order or anything. There's nothing in it for her or me, so I doubt it'll ever happen. If it does, I'll be glad to shoot the sh1t.
Their reaction isn't your responsibility. If you're being authentic to yourself, there's nothing to apologize for or to feel badly about. Embrace all emotional possibilities (theirs and your)--negative and positive.
Being judgmental is a form of disrespect and alienation. Chances are, people are really living their lives in the way that works best for them--whether that matches up with your perception of what's best for them is irrelevant. It won't change their reality--and it'll keep you from ever connecting with anybody.
Let's get moral for a moment. Your morals are your own and you can't expect someone else to live up to those morals. You can't project your morals onto other people. But let's take honesty; as two moral people, you'd agree that honesty is important, no? Being honest is the moral thing to do, right? So be honest with yourself--your relationship to yourself is the most important relationship of all; and if you're being dishonest with yourself, you'll be dishonest with other people regardless of how you choose to rationalize your 'honesty.'
My own morals are that things are bad to the extent that they result in cognitive dissonance. It's OK to only want a girl for sex; if you're being honest with yourself, sometimes that'll be all you want with a girl. It's OK to not be interested in what other people say if what they're saying doesn't interest you; if you're being honest with yourself sometimes you really won't care. It's OK to not respond to texts until you feel like responding to them, if ever; if you're being honest with yourself sometimes you just won't feel like responding.
All of the above behavior, from a certain reference point, can be construed as 'jerkish.' But is it? It's not coming from a place of manipulation or 'taking'--it's coming from a place of practicing radical self-honesty. And guess what? Most girls won't question actions that come from that place--they'll only try to manipulate you to the extent that they sense a discrepancy between your thoughts and your actions. Right now, you're being dishonest and manipulative by pretending to care or for not acting because you're afraid of what the girl will think.
As far as single moms and older women go, is that judgement moralistic (i.e. ego-based) or is it pragmatic? I have absolutely nothing against single moms; but I wouldn't date one. I have nothing against older women; but I wouldn't date one. Are they bad? I don't think so. But it's not practical for me to date them.
Practice guiding conversations to what you want to talk about. My M.O. in talking to people is figuring out what makes them tick--to understand them and accept them (which is damn rare and gives them value)--listening to her complain about her day at work doesn't get me any closer to figuring out who she is. If a girl says something you don't agree with, say something like, "Wait, you really believe that?" Or stop, smile and say, "You're such a b*tch." Or just lean in for a kiss. Convos don't have to be linear or logical. Cut threads you don't like; nurture threads you do.
Does there have to be a definite outcome? I mentioned my goal in any conversation I have. Not saying that that's what would work best for you. But you should definitely be having fun--if it's not fun for you, why bother?
Notice how egotistical this question is? You're not that important lol. If the girl is upset, that isn't your fault. If the girl is happy, it isn't because you're some awesome dude. Her emotions are her responsibility--she's choosing to be happy or unhappy (don't give yourself so much credit, because in the end you'll start feeling responsible for other people's feelings & actions; you're not that in control; this type of mindset leads to codependency and unhappiness).
Kill/destroy might be too strong of a word. I'm not sure you can ever do it--or that you should. But you should definitely be in total, rational control of your ego and not let your ego dictate your actions. Your ego is a survival mechanism--meaning it cares more about your survival than your happiness--but we're not in an environment where survival is all that important. In the past, if you upset the tribe your a$$ was grass, better not upset anyone, gotta get people to like me. These days, that's just not the case--it's outdated mental software.
Your ego clings to a definite state of external reality--stability, comfort, etc. So if I'm the guy who never gets rejected, if that's what my ego's invested in, I'm also the guy who never approaches women--that would be letting external factors risk my view of myself. If I'm the guy who's loyal, respectful, forgiving, committed, and believes that love lasts forever, if that's what my ego's invested in, I'm also the guy that takes back a cheating girlfriend. If I'm narcissistic and need to have everybody love and admire me, what happens when I run into someone who doesn't? I cut them out of my life entirely, or I manipulate them or rage at them or whatever--because I need them to love and admire me to validate my grandiose self-image.
Your ego is what compares itself to other people. Your ego is what was enmeshed with your BPD ex to begin with. If you had control of your ego, you would've never been manipulated by the love bombing, the push-pull, the gaslighting, etc. No, the need to go complete NC is an ego-defense; you have to protect your ego from what your ex might say or do, since you know you won't be able to control your own emotional reaction. Your sense of self-worth is still tied up in her to some extent. Likewise, the need to break NC is equally ego-driven: Your ego craves that validation, or needs closure, or desperately wants her to apologize or admit that you weren't a sh1tty person or whatever. There's a reason pwBPD and pwNPD pair off; and there's a reason codependents and pwBPD pair off--it all comes back to ego-driven dysfunction.
Personally, I wouldn't get anything out of a phone call with my ex--good or bad. Would talking to her upset me? Nope. Would it make me happy or validate that maybe she really loved me after all? Nah. It'd just be a phone call--wouldn't cost me any self-respect; I wouldn't be getting back with her; I wouldn't be sending her a money-order or anything. There's nothing in it for her or me, so I doubt it'll ever happen. If it does, I'll be glad to shoot the sh1t.
