Yellow flag comments in LTR

Abel

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Hello everyone,

there's this girl I'm heading into something serios with (ya ya, I know). In a nutshell, we (both in our early thirties) are dating for approx. 1,5 years and became exclusively by mid of the last year. Planning to move together in the near future, she agreed to move into my place, giving up her job, apartment and home town. She invests time, money and effort in our relationship, really cares about me and recently said 'ILY' in a 'special' moment for the first time (I didn't say it to her before). Sex was insane at the beginning and is still very good, but not constantly at high frequency. Needless to say that I like her very much. However, I used to be very hesitant to commit into a LTR with her, since she every now and then drops comments during discussions which I -- at best -- would describe as 'yellow flags'.
For instance:

Discussing diet, she mentioned that one male friend of hers who is severly obese and hasn't had sex for years. She joked how she said to him that she would offer a pity f*ck if he just wasn't fat.

Or, discussing our relationship, she said that she would see over it if I cheated her in a 'one thing led to the other' scenario, which made me a little suspicious wether or not she was preparing a confession of her own cheating or at least testing my reaction.

I could give more examples, but you get the idea. It's basically cheating related stuff that grinds my gears. I have to admit that we have a rather sarcastic tone and almost constantly make jokes of each other, which we both are fine with. But some comments are just across the border. This doesn't happen every day, but often enough to bring up a rather beta mindset in myself which just annoys me. I mostly deal with those kind of bullsh*t talk by agreeing to and amplifying her comments, making them sound ridiculuos, or just ignore them. I thought about bringing up my discomfort by just replying to her -- the next time she drops a sh*tty comment -- in a quiet manner that I feel those kinds of comments are toxic (ever wanted to use that term!) for our relationship and if this is intended.

Shared thoughts are appreciated.
 

Murkserious

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She sounds like a bit of a prick, when she mentioned the pity fvck line, you should have said "yeah I've got a few female friends I'd pity fvck"

The whole letting you cheat thing is weak, I hate girls who let you get away with murder or overlook flirting/cheating, it's just so low value. I'd want an LTR with a woman who would ghost me if I cheated, otherwise what's the point investing so much time in a low value woman who doesn't respect herself?

Why don't you speak to her about it? It astounds me the amount of stuff people post here about a LTR that they don't address with the person in question.
 

Abel

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Well sorted thoughts on the cheating isse.
She had an open relationship in the past, so she maybe is a little desensitized. However, she definitely can be jealous.
I've been hesitant to talk open to her about this, since it comes in the flavour of **** testing to me. There will be no way to preventing women from doing these even in LTRs. She sometimes catches me off-guard with these specific comments, so I don't feel in the best constitution to talk about it in the very moment. When I collect my thoughts, however, I feel as if I'm overreacting.
 

Spaz

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It's done to emasculate a man and ultimately shape him into something else.

It's a 3 step process.

1st is changing ur perspective as in ur current worldview into her worldview - feminine.

2nd is owning ur soul - ur love is no longer yours but hers in that she has control over who you love, what you love etc.

3rd and final stage is owning ur balls. Once this is done, she has total disrespect for you and it's only a matter of time before she seeks another man.

It's all done subconsciously, I don't think many women even consider this.

Ur job as a man is to deny her efforts at the 1st stage and instead mold her into yours.

This is called leadership.
 

Murkserious

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I’ve been there. I’ve learned to go on instinct and call out bull**** as it arises, not just with women but at work, friends, whoever. Just relax and let your words fly, put people on the back foot and let’s them explain themselves.

We need more accountability in this world and in our lives. It starts with calling things out that don’t resonate with you. Easier said than done I know, it’s not my natural stance and takes work and conscious effort on my part, I sleep easier though. Confrontation is good.
 

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GoodOne123

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The second comment about letting you cheat under certain circumstances would be a red flag for me.

It gives an insight into how she views cheating, and from what it seems she is quite forgiving about it. What makes you think that she won't think the same way if she ever cheats on you?

If you do not accept cheating under any circumstances, then you have a clear incompatibility in terms of values.

If I was in an LTR with this woman it be at least a bit weary that she has either cheated, or is thinking about cheating.
 

Abel

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It gives an insight into how she views cheating, and from what it seems she is quite forgiving about it. What makes you think that she won't think the same way if she ever cheats on you?

If you do not accept cheating under any circumstances, then you have a clear incompatibility in terms of values.
Well, her overall behaviour (which I see as a more reliable marker of her intention that her words) makes me think that cheating currently is no option for her. Surely, that might change as time goes by.
On the other hand, no woman is perfectly immune to cheating. So is no man. I see no point in being jealous and suspicious for no reason all the time. In the end, this will only make her justify cheating for herself. So you can be the guy who dumps her, thinking "Aah, I knew it all the time" -- seems pretty pessimistic to me. Not putting her on a pedestal, remaining (knowingly) attractive to other women and keeping on "gaming" her seems the best to me to minimize her cheating in an LTR. I'm unsure if emphasizing this incompatibility might keep her from admitting cheating (if she does so) for fear of an end of the LTR. In her current state of mind, I assume she would confess (in this case I would end the LTR without hesitation).
 
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Atom Smasher

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You are fooling yourself. If I was with a woman who said the things she said I would kick her to the curb instantaneously.

What is wrong with men today that makes them tolerate this kind of thing from a woman?

You'd best get out of this rationalizing mode and start to deal with the real. This women is going to turn your world upside down one day.

A man who has his sh!t together would never in a million years tolerate his woman talking about giving a "mercy f" to another man. It is positively disgraceful for a man to accept this.

Your woman is a cheater. Make no mistake about it. I advise you to raise your standards and start to respect yourself, because you don't know it bro, but you don't respect yourself.

There is hope, however, because you are writing about it here. That means a little part of you, the correct and rational part, is starting to wake up to the truth. Else, you would not have signed up to write about it.
 

LARaiders85

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Or, discussing our relationship, she said that she would see over it if I cheated her in a 'one thing led to the other' scenario, which made me a little suspicious wether or not she was preparing a confession of her own cheating or at least testing my reaction.
Dont get in a relationship with her, period.
 

sch

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My experience shows that if your gut feeling says "run away" then most probably you should run away.

It's better to not marry a good girl than to marry a bad girl.
 

deaderinred

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First mistake is dating a woman in her 30s. Yuck.
Second is not dumping her ass after she said she'd pity **** a friend, doesn't mind if you cheat (meaning, you shouldbt mind if she cheats), and she's had open relationship as well.
I would bet that she has already cheated on you.
Just kick her ass to the curb and find a younger, hotter, and more faithful girlfriend.
 

AttackFormation

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The pity fvck thing, I could buy if she said it before you were exclusive as a joke to get him to lose weight. But in combination with the other things, I wouldn't buy it if she says this while you are exclusive. Women who are in love and respect you (or have a healthy sense of what respect is, we'll come to this later*) wouldn't say that kind of thing to another guy.

The part where she says she'll overlook your cheating sounds like her projecting onto you. What I think she means is, she hopes you will more or less eventually accept her fvcking other guys because......

She's had an open "relationship", which shows that her sense of what a relationship is is probably not on the same wavelength as yours (*). This in itself is a warning sign. She probably knows you would not commit to her if she asked to get an open "relationship" with you, and that's why she says the things about cheating - to prepare herself and you for the eventuality of her fvcking other guys (through it "just happening") by dropping hints and testing the waters. And you only gave us one example while saying there are more.

Every relationship is supposed to be good and seem promising in the beginning, so that's not counter-evidence. I'd be cautious.

First mistake is dating a woman in her 30s. Yuck.
lol, man that's harsh. "Yuck" xD
 
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rando5495

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I would (have) personally taken that to mean she has not been exclusive. She's pushing boundaries to see what is acceptable.

Last time I got this was asking had I been cheated on before, to which I said yes. She asked what I did, and I said dumped her. She went quiet after that, and it was a lazy Sunday morning/afternoon so things get overlooked.

However these things generally don't seem to happen in isolation - other little things pop up which remind you of that off hand comment. And that's when you clock on properly.

The one thing I would certainly advise against is using ""interest level"" as a way to make sense of it (as you are seemibg to), because i've found that it doesn't.

Perhaps slow the pace down of the thing you two have going, and reflect on it a bit imo.
 

Abel

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Thank you for all your pieces of wisdom.

Fact is, we have been through some harsh times together (due to other, not infidelity-related things outside our relationship that life expects you to deal with), so dumping her right now isn't really an option to me, as AFCish it might appear to you. Our commitment and her emotional attachment to me is quite strong, and I can say that without feeling naive. It's just that she has some kind of double-thinking going on when it comes to allegedly (and at least to her) meaningless sex that happens out of circumstances and she at least is trying to figure where I position myself in such a scenario.
Yesterday evening, I told her that I felt the pity fvck comment to be utterly disrespectful and I neither accept her making such jokes to other guys, nor telling me about it. It caught her pretty much off-guard since it came out of nowhere after she was giving some lovey-dovey comments that usually delight me. She was touched, but just said "okay" and asked me to tell me right away if such things happen.
I think there is no way to avoid a conversation about my concerns of our conflicting system of values in terms of infidelity. I at least want to give her a chance to comment on that and see what my gut feeling says after that.
 
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MillionBillionaire

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Thank you for all your pieces of wisdom.

Fact is, we have been through some harsh times together (due to other, not infidelity-related things outside our relationship that life expects you to deal with), so dumping her right now isn't really an option to me, as AFCish it might appear to you. Our commitment and her emotional attachment to me is quite strong, and I can say that without feeling naive. It's just that she has some kind of double-thinking going on when it comes to allegedly (and at least to her) meaningless sex that happens out of circumstances and she at least is trying to figure where I position myself in such a scenario.
Yesterday evening, I told her that I felt the pity fvck comment to be utterly disrespectful and I neither accept her making such jokes to other guys, nor telling me about it. It caught her pretty much off-guard since it came out of nowhere after she was giving some lovey-dovey comments that usually delight me. She was touched, but just said "okay" and asked me to tell me right away if such things happen.
I think there is no way to avoid a conversation about my concerns of our conflicting system of values in terms of infidelity. I at least want to give her a chance to comment on that and see what my gut feeling says after that.
At least she didn't say you "Hurt her feelings" and now she is mad because you brought something up that genuinely concerned you in that realationship, and she spins it around on you and now your the bad guy for making her feel bad by asking her a question about the realationship.

"Okay" is a shytty reply but hey... she is a woman so her reply will be 99% stupid.
 

deaderinred

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Thank you for all your pieces of wisdom.

Fact is, we have been through some harsh times together (due to other, not infidelity-related things outside our relationship that life expects you to deal with), so dumping her right now isn't really an option to me, as AFCish it might appear to you. Our commitment and her emotional attachment to me is quite strong, and I can say that without feeling naive. It's just that she has some kind of double-thinking going on when it comes to allegedly (and at least to her) meaningless sex that happens out of circumstances and she at least is trying to figure where I position myself in such a scenario.
Yesterday evening, I told her that I felt the pity fvck comment to be utterly disrespectful and I neither accept her making such jokes to other guys, nor telling me about it. It caught her pretty much off-guard since it came out of nowhere after she was giving some lovey-dovey comments that usually delight me. She was touched, but just said "okay" and asked me to tell me right away if such things happen.
I think there is no way to avoid a conversation about my concerns of our conflicting system of values in terms of infidelity. I at least want to give her a chance to comment on that and see what my gut feeling says after that.
Yeah yeah keep on rationalizing. Guarantee she will cheat on you or already has. Except in her mind it isnt cheating, its just something that happens.
 

Spaz

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Thank you for all your pieces of wisdom.

Fact is, we have been through some harsh times together (due to other, not infidelity-related things outside our relationship that life expects you to deal with), so dumping her right now isn't really an option to me, as AFCish it might appear to you. Our commitment and her emotional attachment to me is quite strong, and I can say that without feeling naive. It's just that she has some kind of double-thinking going on when it comes to allegedly (and at least to her) meaningless sex that happens out of circumstances and she at least is trying to figure where I position myself in such a scenario.
Yesterday evening, I told her that I felt the pity fvck comment to be utterly disrespectful and I neither accept her making such jokes to other guys, nor telling me about it. It caught her pretty much off-guard since it came out of nowhere after she was giving some lovey-dovey comments that usually delight me. She was touched, but just said "okay" and asked me to tell me right away if such things happen.
I think there is no way to avoid a conversation about my concerns of our conflicting system of values in terms of infidelity. I at least want to give her a chance to comment on that and see what my gut feeling says after that.

Looks like we'll be getting another 1 more member who's going to post red flags and a few BPD threads in the near future.

We look forward to your future contribution OP.
 

Abel

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Looks like we'll be getting another 1 more member who's going to post red flags and a few BPD threads in the near future.

We look forward to your future contribution OP.
Relax.

Second thought: Why not giving a fvck and letting her taste her own medicine by offering an open relationship myself? Bet she wouldn't expect that. If she agrees, canceling our moving plans and keeping her as a friend w/ benefits (which to me is not really distinguishable from an open relationship) while starting spinning plates again wouldn't be the worst outcome.
 
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Spaz

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Relax.

Second thought: Why not giving a fvck and letting her taste her own medicine by offering an open relationship myself? Bet she wouldn't expect that. If she agrees, canceling our moving plans and keeping her as a friend w/ benefits (which to me is not really distinguishable from an open relationship) while starting spinning plates again wouldn't be the worst outcome.
Clever.

But outcome is personality dependent.

Passive or dominant.

A naturally dominant man wouldn't even allow her to reach at the stage in the OP.

Which means u r naturally passive.

A game such as this is basically playing within the feminine frame - a playground whereby women are the natural masters... the longer u r inside the more you'll be exposed to manipulation and it will be multi pronged.

A passive man is not naturally dismissive to win these battle-game.
 
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