Wife mad I talked to my dad about our marriage

[Prime_Dutchman]

Men, I want your opinion on if my wife has a legitimate reason to be mad or if she is being manipulative.

So this morning I almost packed my bags and left her after 12 years of marriage. I won’t go into details on the reasons but it was bad. Before I grabbed my things I called my dad and had an hour long talk about my marriage and he pointed out some things that would result in me just being unhappy. It didn’t reflect well on my wife but there certainly wasn’t any bad mouthing. In the end we decided that I would go have a talk with her.

Now she is really pissed and hurt that I went to my dad and discussed our marriage and my life with him. Basically she is saying that she isn’t sure how she is ever going to be able to sit in the same room together.

Is her saying that her being manipulative or did I genuinely fvck up? Is it okay for me to discuss my lack of happiness in my marriage with others okay or should that be reserved to keep it between us?

and yes, I realize the irony of going to other people to ask this question…

 

[BackInTheGame78]

I mean who else does she expect you talk to? So is she saying she wouldn't call her Mom up for advice? That's BS unless she comes from a broken family.

I think it's kind of ridiculous she would expect you not to talk to the person who raised you and whose advice you trust most in many cases.

Likely shows she knows she is screwing up and her Dad is telling you the truth.

 

[Ricky]

It's true that we often discuss our relationship problems with our parents. There is an element of not poisoning the well though.

When my marriage problems started and went very extreme in 2020, i talked to alot of people about it, mostly my older brothers as i didn't want to worry my parents.

Women always overreact to this, in my case my wife did but hell she told alot of personal stuff to her mom and two of her women friends, then more damage was done when she told a guy who was trying to poach her away from me.

 

[BadBoy89]

Mistake was telling wife you talked to others about marriage.

Makes you look vulnerable, makes her feel vulnerable, and just not good look all around.

 

[Alvafe]

just ask her the whole and you don't talk about it with your friends, your mom, your sisters? woman talk even more about it with others, but the moment you talk she is get crazy?

also learn this you don't talk to her about what you do.

I would be a jerk and tell her just to piss her off even more about if you are so "ashamed" about what you could told your dad then maybe she knows she is in the wrong? because I can't think you feel like that if she was right

 

[BeExcellent]

Advice from the old lady:

You are 46. So you aren't inexperienced at life. I know my husband talks to his parents about us at times. But the difference I percieve based on your situation, is that your wife is upset. Why? Who cares if you speak with your father. He probably talked you off the ledge a bit with his perspective.

I don't get upset because I'm not worried about my behavior. And there are times I will discuss my marriage with my sister or a trusted girlfriend, and gain perspective. My parents are both dead so I no longer have the benefit of my dad's wisdom on call.

Once upon a time part of the marriage ceremony included a vow on the part of those in attendance to support The Marriage. We had that specifically in our vows because its a value add for people close to you to support your union.

When I was married to my first husband, my father (a wise man, a *real* man, a man who valued family) did not automatically side with me, his daughter. He also, by the way happened to be an excellent attorney and had praticed family law for more than 2 decades. He always supported The Marriage. He came over one night at 1am (he lived not far away) when I had had it and was ready to throw in the towel and counseled both my first husband and I calmly, kindly, and he explained that he took the vow to support The. Marriage. very seriously. I always deeply appreciated that and so did my husband.

Ultimately that marriage failed but my father was always kind to my ex husband and my ex and I ended things amicably and remain amicable now. My first mother-in-law was also supportive, but tended to have bias toward her son. Only after my first marriage ended did she begin to see what I had been dealing with and did she really come to understand my character as I still treated her as family and the way I handled things with her son & my children (her grandchildren). Sadly she passed late last year.

Contrast that with my current MIL, who has made it clear that her loyalty is ultimately with my husband, period, slthough she is nice to my face. It is not the same supportiveness that my father brought. And this is a woman who professes to be a strong Christian.

You need people you can discuss the tough stuff with in your life. So too does your wife. I would not apologize to my spouse for confiding in a trusted friend or family member, especially your father who I expect knows a thing or two about relationships and may be able to offer you some wisdom and perspective.

If your wife is mad....why?

What is the context?

 

[The Duke]

Just don't admit that you talk to anyone. She will never know. It's her insecurity and fear of judgement that doesn't want you talking to your dad. I've had this come up several times. The more secure she is the less it will be an issue.

 

[Bokanovsky]

Is her saying that her being manipulative or did I genuinely fvck up? Is it okay for me to discuss my lack of happiness in my marriage with others okay or should that be reserved to keep it between us?

She's being manipulative. There is absolutely nothing wrong with discussing your marital problems with your dad or another close family member (provided you can trust their judgment). In fact, such people are often the best people to ask for advice because they actually know you and your wife.

 

[EyeBRollin]

Uhhh. The only person I think one should talk to about their marriage is a professional shrink or your religious leader (pastor, rabbi, etc.). Not parents, siblings, friends, no one. IMO telling others about your marriage is a violation of your spouses trust. It’s just no one else’s business.

It is also not a good luck because you harm your spouses image in the eyes of the people you tell. Suppose OP and his wife reconcile? Will OP’s father be supportive of that after all the things that were discussed?

 

[BeExcellent]

Uhhh. The only person I think one should talk to about their marriage is a professional shrink or your religious leader (pastor, rabbi, etc.). Not parents, siblings, friends, no one. IMO telling others about your marriage is a violation of your spouses trust. It’s just no one else’s business.

It is also not a good luck because you harm your spouses image in the eyes of the people you tell. Suppose OP and his wife reconcile? Will OP’s father be supportive of that after all the things that were discussed?

This will vary based on how supportive of The Marriage confidants are. Mine are very supportive and know that marriage is not easy. I am also a sounding board for people who confide in me. Frankly it sounds like dad's advice was pretty reasonable in this instance.

Always be accountable for your behavior as an individual. If you don't want people talking about your bad behavior? Don't behave badly. Simple.

 

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

Isolation is the hallmark of the abuser, if she's defensive it's likely because she knows she's being unreasonable

 

[EyeBRollin]

This will vary based on how supportive of The Marriage confidants are. Mine are very supportive and know that marriage is not easy. I am also a sounding board for people who confide in me. Frankly it sounds like dad's advice was pretty reasonable in this instance.

Not just that… parents / siblings / friends are biased. That is a huge factor. No matter how supportive his father may be.. still biased.

 

[Bokanovsky]

Uhhh. The only person I think one should talk to about their marriage is a professional shrink or your religious leader (pastor, rabbi, etc.). Not parents, siblings, friends, no one. IMO telling others about your marriage is a violation of your spouses trust. It’s just no one else’s business.

I disagree. Taking advice from people who know nothing about you, your spouse and your relationship and who, at the end of the day, don't really care about your wellbeing and may have their own agenda (i.e. making money off of your misfortune) is usually counterproductive. That's not to say that relationship advice from family members is always good. But at least it can be. Therapists and marriage counsellors (which is what I assume you mean by "professional shrinks") are straight up scammers.

 

[ThisIsSparta]

Men, I want your opinion on if my wife has a legitimate reason to be mad or if she is being manipulative.

So this morning I almost packed my bags and left her after 12 years of marriage. I won’t go into details on the reasons but it was bad. Before I grabbed my things I called my dad and had an hour long talk about my marriage and he pointed out some things that would result in me just being unhappy. It didn’t reflect well on my wife but there certainly wasn’t any bad mouthing. In the end we decided that I would go have a talk with her.

Now she is really pissed and hurt that I went to my dad and discussed our marriage and my life with him. Basically she is saying that she isn’t sure how she is ever going to be able to sit in the same room together.

Is her saying that her being manipulative or did I genuinely fvck up? Is it okay for me to discuss my lack of happiness in my marriage with others okay or should that be reserved to keep it between us?

and yes, I realize the irony of going to other people to ask this question…

Of course she is pissed. Manipulating people is so much easier when they dont have anyone in the world to ask for help.

Unless you really fvcked up something that led to you wanting to move out, tell her its none of her business to whom you talk and wouldnt have been necessary if she behaved like a decent wife.

Uhhh. The only person I think one should talk to about their marriage is a professional shrink or your religious leader (pastor, rabbi, etc.). Not parents, siblings, friends, no one. IMO telling others about your marriage is a violation of your spouses trust. It’s just no one else’s business.

It is also not a good luck because you harm your spouses image in the eyes of the people you tell. Suppose OP and his wife reconcile? Will OP’s father be supportive of that after all the things that were discussed?

Talking to a shrink would imply that something is wrong with yourself. Why would you suggest that?

A religious leader, really? What would he know about women?

Just don't admit that you talk to anyone. She will never know. It's her insecurity and fear of judgement that doesn't want you talking to your dad. I've had this come up several times. The more secure she is the less it will be an issue.

Cant agree with that. The more secure she feels the more empowered she will feel to ramp up the drama even more over the issue.

 

[EyeBRollin]

Talking to a shrink would imply that something is wrong with yourself. Why would you suggest that?

A religious leader, really? What would he know about women?

Something is wrong with every single one of us.

If you took vows under god, and had your pre-marital counseling, religious leader is a more appropriate counsel than friends and family. Has nothing to do with “women.”

 

[The Duke]

Uhhh. The only person I think one should talk to about their marriage is a professional shrink or your religious leader (pastor, rabbi, etc.). Not parents, siblings, friends, no one. IMO telling others about your marriage is a violation of your spouses trust. It’s just no one else’s business.

It is also not a good luck because you harm your spouses image in the eyes of the people you tell. Suppose OP and his wife reconcile? Will OP’s father be supportive of that after all the things that were discussed?

Counselors say the same thing.

 

[BeExcellent]

Of course she is pissed. Manipulating people is so much easier when they dont have anyone in the world to ask for help.

Unless you really fvcked up something that led to you wanting to move out, tell her its none of her business to whom you talk and wouldnt have been necessary if she behaved like a decent wife.



Talking to a shrink would imply that something is wrong with yourself. Why would you suggest that?

A religious leader, really? What would he know about women?



Cant agree with that. The more secure she feels the more empowered she will feel to ramp up the drama even more over the issue.

I'm really transparent about stuff like this. My husband knows I talk about stuff & ask advice from time to time from people whose experience I value.

He thinks we should keep it just between us. Of course! He doesn't want to look like a jerk to others. I'm like no, sometimes I need an outside perspective. I've told him straight up, Look. You have nothing to worry about so long as you are not acting like a jerk. I don't care if he confides in his mother, his friends either. But I am not worried about my behavior either.

It is a way of helping him understand what is acceptable behavior. Losing your temper, yelling at me and blaming me or my daughter because the vacuum cleaner broke randomly is not Ok (true story). That was nobody's fault and nobody needs an ass chewing for that. Ditto tantrums in traffic or other things that frustrate you. It's not my fault, I did nothing wrong. Do not blow up at me.

He's gotten much better about this actually. If he starts to wind up, I say "I didn't do it. Not my fault..." and he has learned to calm down because I'm not going to put up with that.

Part of this is emotional dysregulation/lack of calibration. Part of it is family of origin neglectfulness and not requiring appropriate behavior because he apparently had monumental melt downs as a boy and people placated him, which is the worst thing a parent can do because it rewards bad behavior with attention, so voila you get more bad behavior.

So it is a useful deterrent in my toolbox for him to know I might put him on blast if he is a jerk. I think that is what is going on here with OP. The wife is pissed that her bad behavior is on blast. Simple. Be nice & there's nothing worthy of being put on blast.

We each must manage our intimate relationships as is best for that specific couple. Its not a one size fits all thing.

 

[JoyDivision1990]

this morning I almost packed my bags and left her after 12 years of marriage. I won’t go into details on the reasons but it was bad. Before I grabbed my things I called my dad and had an hour long talk about my marriage and he pointed out some things that would result in me just being unhappy. It didn’t reflect well on my wife.

It would be helpful to know what your wife did, if anything specific. Like the examples @BeExcellent provided about her hubs. Which @Be, were definitely NOT cool and you handled well imo, short of leaving.

Reason I ask is because of bolded comment, you stated problems in "your marriage."

There are always exceptions but in my experience, when problems arise in a marriage and the marriage begins to break down, it's typically not just one person's fault; they are both equal participants, in different ways.

One person acts, the other reacts, then the other reacts to that reaction, lather, rinse, repeat. All of which can lead to a conflict.

Again, there are always exceptions (like infidelity) but I really dislike blaming one person when a conflict/breakdown arises, it takes two to tango as the saying goes.

That said, my sense is SHE didn't do anything "wrong" or jerkish, specifically. But together there are issues/problems and you sought advice from your dad, which I think was OK.

I could be wrong about that, can you clarify?

 

[Mertz09]

It would be helpful to know what your wife did, if anything specific. Like the examples @BeExcellent provided about her hubs. Which @Be, were definitely NOT cool and you handled well imo, short of leaving.

Reason I ask is because of bolded comment, you stated problems in "your marriage."

There are always exceptions but in my experience, when problems arise in a marriage and the marriage begins to break down, it's typically not just one person's fault; they are both equal participants, in different ways.

One person acts, the other reacts, then the other reacts to that reaction, lather, rinse, repeat. All of which can lead to a conflict.

Again, there are always exceptions (like infidelity) but I really dislike blaming one person when a conflict/breakdown arises, it takes two to tango as the saying goes.

That said, my sense is SHE didn't do anything "wrong" or jerkish, specifically. But together there are issues/problems and you sought advice from your dad, which I think was OK.

I could be wrong about that, can you clarify?

"There are always exceptions but in my experience, when problems arise in a marriage and the marriage begins to break down, it's typically not just one person's fault; they are both equal participants, in different ways."

I agree, This can also apply to relationships in general, But I should stick to topic.