"She's Out of Your League"

You've said it a hundred times. Maybe a thousand. And every time you say it, you train your brain to freeze the next time she walks into the room.

Leagues are a myth invented by guys who are scared of women.

She's a person. She has bad breath in the morning. She picks songs she can't sing in the shower. She overthinks her own texts.

Walk over. Say something. The league dissolves the second you open your mouth.

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Why you're struggling

everywomanshero

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No single theory can ever account for all the experiences a human might have, but I think this one can be helpful for understanding why someone (perhaps yourself even) is struggling in life. The basic premise of psychodynamic theories is that development is determined largely by the resolution of conflicts at certain stages of life. Specifically, in psychosocial theory, a unique crisis needs to be solved at each stage, and successful resolution of one challenge makes the next crisis easier to conquer as well.

In other words, if you started off poorly by not handling early crisis well, then you were fairly handicapped and it's little wonder that things snowballed from there. Psychosocial theorists do not encourage a victim mentality and believe even with a bad start people can and should overcome later crisis, just with more effort.

How does this look? Well, for instance at Adolescence a big challenge is to form a sense of self. Then as young adults to form loving relationships. People who fail at developing a sense of self often try to define themselves through the relationship, which causes problems. From about 6 through adolescence, one needs to develop basic skills and work well with others. If one fails to learn how to work with others, they are more likely to have problems forming a sense of self or to form a negative sense of self and see themselves as outsides, not fitting in, etc.

This goes back to a theme I am going to hammer down on this forum over and over, that life tends to have a snowball effect where small gains accumulate over time and led to more positive experiences. By gradually introducing oneself to positive experiences, I believe it often increases success in totally unrelated areas, and sometimes in non-obvious ways.
 

"Nervous Around Beautiful Women? There's a Rule for That"

I could talk to any woman I wasn't attracted to. Charming, funny, relaxed. Then a gorgeous woman looked my way and I'd become a sweating, babbling mess.

The fix took me years to find and ten minutes to learn. Nervousness and excitement are the same physical state — pounding heart, adrenaline, flushed face. Your brain just picks the label. And you can pick a better one.

Rule 16 shows you how. You feel the nerves, relabel them as excitement, and let that energy pour out as enthusiasm. Women notice the guy radiating it. They always do.

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Scars

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Very well written and completely agree.

+1 rep.
 

Furyguy

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True. This reminds me a lot of Erik Erikson's work.

Another aspect of this is the need to develop autonomy, confidence, and self-reliance. These things precede the need for developing loving relationships in a number of psychodynamic theories. Even before this comes trust and security.

So to build on what you are saying, I think people who are greatly unhappy with many aspects of their lives need to focus on fixing the little things about themselves and their lives that they do not like before attempting to get into a relationship. As you work on the parts of you that need improvement, the rest will tend to fall into place.

And it's worth repeating again that poor social development is NOT permanent. You can change and recover and bounce back from a bad beginning through hard work. It just takes time and effort.
 
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