"So, What Do You Do for Fun?"

She asks it casually, mid-sip. And you feel the floor open up, because the honest answer is work, gym, and a couple shows you're half-watching.

Women rarely say this out loud, but a man with a life is attractive before he says a word. The guy who spent Saturday deep-sea fishing and came back with photos and a story — he walks in already interesting.

The "22 Rules" pushed me to build a life worth talking about. Turns out the fastest way to be interesting to women is to be interested in your own life first.

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Why you're struggling

everywomanshero

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No single theory can ever account for all the experiences a human might have, but I think this one can be helpful for understanding why someone (perhaps yourself even) is struggling in life. The basic premise of psychodynamic theories is that development is determined largely by the resolution of conflicts at certain stages of life. Specifically, in psychosocial theory, a unique crisis needs to be solved at each stage, and successful resolution of one challenge makes the next crisis easier to conquer as well.

In other words, if you started off poorly by not handling early crisis well, then you were fairly handicapped and it's little wonder that things snowballed from there. Psychosocial theorists do not encourage a victim mentality and believe even with a bad start people can and should overcome later crisis, just with more effort.

How does this look? Well, for instance at Adolescence a big challenge is to form a sense of self. Then as young adults to form loving relationships. People who fail at developing a sense of self often try to define themselves through the relationship, which causes problems. From about 6 through adolescence, one needs to develop basic skills and work well with others. If one fails to learn how to work with others, they are more likely to have problems forming a sense of self or to form a negative sense of self and see themselves as outsides, not fitting in, etc.

This goes back to a theme I am going to hammer down on this forum over and over, that life tends to have a snowball effect where small gains accumulate over time and led to more positive experiences. By gradually introducing oneself to positive experiences, I believe it often increases success in totally unrelated areas, and sometimes in non-obvious ways.
 

"The Coffee Shop Girl You Never Spoke To"

You've replayed it a hundred times. She stood three feet away, scrolling her phone. You had an opening. You composed the perfect line — after she was gone.

For all you know, she's married now. To some guy who said something. Anything.

Openers are cheap. Almost any sentence works when it's delivered within three seconds. The expensive part is the standing there, drafting and deleting, while the window quietly closes.

The "22 Rules" stripped out my hesitation. What to open with, how to keep it alive, and the one habit that costs guys more women than anything else: waiting for perfect.

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Scars

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Very well written and completely agree.

+1 rep.
 

Furyguy

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True. This reminds me a lot of Erik Erikson's work.

Another aspect of this is the need to develop autonomy, confidence, and self-reliance. These things precede the need for developing loving relationships in a number of psychodynamic theories. Even before this comes trust and security.

So to build on what you are saying, I think people who are greatly unhappy with many aspects of their lives need to focus on fixing the little things about themselves and their lives that they do not like before attempting to get into a relationship. As you work on the parts of you that need improvement, the rest will tend to fall into place.

And it's worth repeating again that poor social development is NOT permanent. You can change and recover and bounce back from a bad beginning through hard work. It just takes time and effort.
 
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