"She Wants a Man, Not a Boy"

You asked her if she wanted to grab coffee. Then you asked if the time worked. Then you asked if the place was okay. Then you asked if she'd prefer tea.

Four questions. Four chances for her to say no. Four signals that you're terrified of making a decision.

Plan it. Pick the place. Pick the time. Tell her where to meet you. She'll either show up or she won't.

Either way, you look like a man instead of a scared little boy.

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Why you're struggling

everywomanshero

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No single theory can ever account for all the experiences a human might have, but I think this one can be helpful for understanding why someone (perhaps yourself even) is struggling in life. The basic premise of psychodynamic theories is that development is determined largely by the resolution of conflicts at certain stages of life. Specifically, in psychosocial theory, a unique crisis needs to be solved at each stage, and successful resolution of one challenge makes the next crisis easier to conquer as well.

In other words, if you started off poorly by not handling early crisis well, then you were fairly handicapped and it's little wonder that things snowballed from there. Psychosocial theorists do not encourage a victim mentality and believe even with a bad start people can and should overcome later crisis, just with more effort.

How does this look? Well, for instance at Adolescence a big challenge is to form a sense of self. Then as young adults to form loving relationships. People who fail at developing a sense of self often try to define themselves through the relationship, which causes problems. From about 6 through adolescence, one needs to develop basic skills and work well with others. If one fails to learn how to work with others, they are more likely to have problems forming a sense of self or to form a negative sense of self and see themselves as outsides, not fitting in, etc.

This goes back to a theme I am going to hammer down on this forum over and over, that life tends to have a snowball effect where small gains accumulate over time and led to more positive experiences. By gradually introducing oneself to positive experiences, I believe it often increases success in totally unrelated areas, and sometimes in non-obvious ways.
 

"Why Women Dump the Guys Who Try the Hardest"

You paid for dinner. You drove. You said "whatever you want is fine" every single time. All the effort, no expectations.

And she left anyway — probably for a guy who makes her pick up the pizza.

Painful. Also predictable. Her mind quietly concludes that anything requiring zero effort from her is worth exactly zero. You became a free sample, and free samples get taken for granted.

The 22 Rules flip the dynamic. Small shifts that get her investing effort, money, and time in you — until SHE'S the one afraid of losing YOU.

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Scars

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Very well written and completely agree.

+1 rep.
 

Furyguy

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A better place, a better time.
True. This reminds me a lot of Erik Erikson's work.

Another aspect of this is the need to develop autonomy, confidence, and self-reliance. These things precede the need for developing loving relationships in a number of psychodynamic theories. Even before this comes trust and security.

So to build on what you are saying, I think people who are greatly unhappy with many aspects of their lives need to focus on fixing the little things about themselves and their lives that they do not like before attempting to get into a relationship. As you work on the parts of you that need improvement, the rest will tend to fall into place.

And it's worth repeating again that poor social development is NOT permanent. You can change and recover and bounce back from a bad beginning through hard work. It just takes time and effort.
 
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