Why would anyone join Tinder just to make friends?

[BeExcellent]

Baby steps @BillyPilgrim at least there's an interaction going, although yes I agree with you.

Concur with @Clockwerk50 throughout this thread.

My husband gravitates more to female than male friends. He has some guy buddies but has more close female than male friends (shrugs). Doesn't bother me. I have close guy friends too. Now since we are married we fill the main role of opposite sex friendship (in addition to lovers etc.) so the opposite sex friendship investments have fallen off for both of us, but really its never bugged either of us.

Interestingly I have an ex from decades ago who is naturally more attenuated to female friends and has always been that way (we remain friends today although we interact infrequently). He is brilliant and the single most socially adroit man I know, which is a rather unusual combination. He could be Pook. Seriously. He's that good with women.

But as @BPH stated in another thread, he LOVES women. Adores them. Just like I adore men.

And that really is magnetic, when you truly enjoy the opposite sex. You can't fake that & it exudes in your vibe.

 

[GoodMan32]

We are rooting for you GM. Do continue to share how your matches are going, including this one before @MatureDJ ruins the vibe this good thread has contributed to this forum with yet another negative "water is wet" post about Tinder. Accordingly it's a rare stroke of luck you got any match at all.

The discussion I screenshotted ended up dying down.

All my discussions on Tinder and Feeld have died down.

You're right though, the fact I got any matches at all is impressive.

The fact I got any matches at all also suggests the 6-7/10 rating that I give myself is more realistic than the 4/10 rating one particular poster insists I am.

OP text game here needs some work. Any kind of "what are you up to" text in the evening or night is a golden chance to spice things up. Always check for late night correspondence from these chicks, even if it's a "good night" text it's a chance to build comfort. "Just got back from the gym. All hot and sweaty, about to head to the shower" would be a good response (even if you didn't work out). Also "just heading into work" is vanilla and another missed opportunity. "heading into work. No sexy plaid today though." if nothing else to throw the word "sexy" in there, and as groundwork for pic-sharing later on.

Always be looking to turn up the heat when you can.

See, now that's some constructive (and realistic) feedback.

I appreciate you telling me what I could do differently next time.

Your feedback is a lot more productive than BPH repeatedly making posts where he tells me to work out, even after I told him my autism renders me too exhausted to work out when I get home.

 

[BPH]

Your feedback is a lot more productive than BPH repeatedly making posts where he tells me to work out, even after I told him my autism renders me too exhausted to work out when I get home.

I see you didn't tag me because you were afraid of me responding. Well, unfortunately, your replies constantly drive these useless posts to the top of the discussion feed. So as much as I'd like to ignore them, they're constantly in my face...because even when they aren't your threads, you feel the need to leave replies that make things about you.

Your excuse to not work out because you have autism and get tired is the weakest excuse I've ever read.

Here's the thing - no woman is going to care what your excuse is; they're only going to care about the person in front of them. You're not going to get the chance to say, "Don't worry, I'd be in great shape if it weren't for my autism that makes me tired".

You have a weak mindset and are looking for a workaround because you're afraid of doing anything even remotely difficult. And the unfortunate thing is that there are members who don't understand this about you yet and are constantly replying to your replies, and you reply to each individual reply, and it becomes the first f***ing thing I read every time I visit this website...

EDIT: Furthermore, doesn't @BeExcellent's husband have autism? Or some other mental block where, despite his good looks, he's extremely reserved and introverted? Gee...I bet he would've had such a great life if he didn't take care of his physical appearance and instead defaulted to dating apps and echo chambers of validation.

 

[BillyPilgrim]

The discussion I screenshotted ended up dying down.

All my discussions on Tinder and Feeld have died down.

You're right though, the fact I got any matches at all is impressive.

The fact I got any matches at all also suggests the 6-7/10 rating that I give myself is more realistic than the 4/10 rating one particular poster insists I am.



See, now that's some constructive (and realistic) feedback.

I appreciate you telling me what I could do differently next time.

Your feedback is a lot more productive than BPH repeatedly making posts where he tells me to work out, even after I told him my autism renders me too exhausted to work out when I get home.

Glad I could help but to BPH's point, Tinder and Feeld are the type of platforms where showing off a hot bod goes a long way.

 

[corrector]

my autism renders me too exhausted to work out when I get home.

You mean having a crappy paying full-time "whatever" office-drone job does that. If your folks did not subsidize you in some way then you then could not even afford to escortcel and would be a total incel based on that income and today's cost of living. To the extent autism placed you to have such a job I guess it's fair to blame that, but it's not the reason you are drained when you get home. If you quit your job then I'm 100% sure you would not feel drained and have more energy, but then you would not afford to work out.

People only have time or money. If you have neither then you are screwed.

 

[GoodMan32]

I see you didn't tag me because you were afraid of me responding. Well, unfortunately, your replies constantly drive these useless posts to the top of the discussion feed. So as much as I'd like to ignore them, they're constantly in my face...because even when they aren't your threads, you feel the need to leave replies that make things about you.

Your excuse to not work out because you have autism and get tired is the weakest excuse I've ever read.

Here's the thing - no woman is going to care what your excuse is; they're only going to care about the person in front of them. You're not going to get the chance to say, "Don't worry, I'd be in great shape if it weren't for my autism that makes me tired".

You have a weak mindset and are looking for a workaround because you're afraid of doing anything even remotely difficult. And the unfortunate thing is that there are members who don't understand this about you yet and are constantly replying to your replies, and you reply to each individual reply, and it becomes the first f***ing thing I read every time I visit this website...

EDIT: Furthermore, doesn't @BeExcellent's husband have autism? Or some other mental block where, despite his good looks, he's extremely reserved and introverted? Gee...I bet he would've had such a great life if he didn't take care of his physical appearance and instead defaulted to dating apps and echo chambers of validation.

No, the main reason I didn't tag you was because I thought you'd complain if I tagged you.

If a woman is hellbent on wanting a muscular guy, you're right, she's not going to care what my excuse for not working out is. Such a woman isn't a fit for me.

If you don't have autism, there's really no way I can *make* you understand just how draining normal daily life is for me (thus draining me of any energy to work out once I get home from work)

For that matter, even if you had autism, that's still no guarantee you'd understand. Every autist's case affects him/her differently (that's my explanation for why BeExcellent's husband, despite being an autist, apparently has the energy to work out)

You lecturing me about how autism is "really no big deal" would be like if I told paraplegics, cancer patients, or the morbidly obese that their condition is "no big deal"

...but the difference is I'd never do that (I've never been paraplegic, never had cancer, and never been morbidly obese, therefore I fully acknowledge I don't understand what having those conditions is like)

As another analogy, I'd never lecture a smoker about how easy it is to quit. I've never smoked; I wouldn't understand.

Lastly, as for your insult of the fact I use apps, you've (if I recall) gotten some of your partners from apps.

 

[BPH]

Glad I could help but to BPH's point, Tinder and Feeld are the type of platforms where showing off a hot bod goes a long way.

My brother told me about Feeld, and to a lesser extent, 3Fun. He's in New York, so he's having a ball...Me, in suburban Delaware? Imagine the kind of people with repressed kinks that can't get sex normally - that's who I'm seeing on these apps...

You lecturing me about how autism is "really no big deal" would be like if I told paraplegics, cancer patients, or the morbidly obese that their condition is "no big deal"

I'm not saying it's no big deal, I'm saying women won't care.

Dating is about presenting a product (you), and hoping to find a buyer (the woman). You can sell an incomplete product, so long as women are willing to buy. But if they're NOT buying, they're not going to care WHY it's incomplete - only THAT it's incomplete...

In your case, women aren't buying, so you should make the product more complete. You're unwilling to do that. That is your choice, but if you're making that choice, you should stop asking people for help if you're not going to take the most obvious advice.

Lastly, as for your insult of the fact I use apps, you've (if I recall) gotten some of your partners from apps.

Correct, and as I've stated before, they are SUPPLEMENTARY AT BEST. They should not be a focus of your time and attention. You may be pleasantly surprised, but that's about the best you can hope for.

Your Tinder match is not a win to be excited about. In all likelihood, the conversation will fizzle out before you even meet for a date. And that's not even because of how you specifically behave, that's something that I run into more frequently than not. Which, again, is why I don't rely on it.

 

[GoodMan32]

You mean having a crappy paying full-time "whatever" office-drone job does that. If your folks did not subsidize you in some way then you then could not even afford to escortcel and would be a total incel based on that income and today's cost of living. To the extent autism placed you to have such a job I guess it's fair to blame that, but it's not the reason you are drained when you get home. If you quit your job then I'm 100% sure you would not feel drained and have more energy, but then you would not afford to work out.

People only have time or money. If you have neither then you are screwed.

If it weren't for wealthy parents, I wouldn't have been able to move out of my parents' house period. Living at home (in addition to a low income) would render me a total incel, yeah. Virtually no woman would want a nearly 34 year old autistic man who works a low income job and lives at home.

Having a place of my own (even if wealthy parents are the only reason I have this place) is perhaps my one saving grace that won't get me immediately nexted by every woman I talk to.

And yeah, if I quit my job, I'd have energy to work out.

My autism plays a large role in why the job drains me. Autists, while many of us can function (in the sense that we can at least hold a job), trying to live like a "normal" working adult is exhausting. In other words, I'm high-functioning enough to work, yet autistic enough my job strips me of all my energy.

Autists like Bill Gates, Elon Musk, and Mark Zuckerberg (who are able to do grueling CEO schedules) are the exception; not the norm.

 

[GoodMan32]

My brother told me about Feeld, and to a lesser extent, 3Fun. He's in New York, so he's having a ball...Me, in suburban Delaware? Imagine the kind of people with repressed kinks that can't get sex normally - that's who I'm seeing on these apps...



I'm not saying it's no big deal, I'm saying women won't care.

Dating is about presenting a product (you), and hoping to find a buyer (the woman). You can sell an incomplete product, so long as women are willing to buy. But if they're NOT buying, they're not going to care WHY it's incomplete - only THAT it's incomplete...

In your case, women aren't buying, so you should make the product more complete. You're unwilling to do that. That is your choice, but if you're making that choice, you should stop asking people for help if you're not going to take the most obvious advice.



Correct, and as I've stated before, they are SUPPLEMENTARY AT BEST. They should not be a focus of your time and attention. You may be pleasantly surprised, but that's about the best you can hope for.

Your Tinder match is not a win to be excited about. In all likelihood, the conversation will fizzle out before you even meet for a date. And that's not even because of how you specifically behave, that's something that I run into more frequently than not. Which, again, is why I don't rely on it.

I signed up for Feeld mainly to look for a woman to indulge in my kink with (I've mentioned my main kink on the forum before). I'm not even necessarily looking for sex on Feeld.

For the better part of the past decade, I haven't even really put much effort into finding a woman. So yeah, on the surface it might look like they aren't buying...but we have no idea what my dating/sex life this past decade would have looked like if I put more effort in.

It wasn't until less than a year ago that I began attending organized singles events.

 

[BPH]

...but we have no idea what my dating/sex life this past decade would have looked like if I put more effort in.

I have a pretty good idea of what it would look like if you found 3-4 hours per week...

Maybe if you took the time you're wasting on singles events to go to the gym. If you get home late, there are 24-hour gyms like Anytime Fitness. You could even build a home gym.

Hell...during the COVID lockdown, I was just doing bodyweight exercises.

You could probably have a much better love life than you're having right now if you'd be willing to listen to somebody other than yourself.

 

[BillyPilgrim]

My brother told me about Feeld, and to a lesser extent, 3Fun. He's in New York, so he's having a ball...Me, in suburban Delaware? Imagine the kind of people with repressed kinks that can't get sex normally - that's who I'm seeing on these apps...



I'm not saying it's no big deal, I'm saying women won't care.

Dating is about presenting a product (you), and hoping to find a buyer (the woman). You can sell an incomplete product, so long as women are willing to buy. But if they're NOT buying, they're not going to care WHY it's incomplete - only THAT it's incomplete...

In your case, women aren't buying, so you should make the product more complete. You're unwilling to do that. That is your choice, but if you're making that choice, you should stop asking people for help if you're not going to take the most obvious advice.



Correct, and as I've stated before, they are SUPPLEMENTARY AT BEST. They should not be a focus of your time and attention. You may be pleasantly surprised, but that's about the best you can hope for.

Your Tinder match is not a win to be excited about. In all likelihood, the conversation will fizzle out before you even meet for a date. And that's not even because of how you specifically behave, that's something that I run into more frequently than not. Which, again, is why I don't rely on it.

As a tip, the weirdos on Feeld tend to be the younger chicks, the older ones are typically the more well-adjusted. Kind of the opposite of Tinder in that regard (where the older chicks are the difficult ones)

 

[BPH]

As a tip, the weirdos on Feeld tend to be the younger chicks, the older ones are typically the more well-adjusted. Kind of the opposite of Tinder in that regard (where the older chicks are the difficult ones)

I matched with only 1 girl before I uninstalled the app. She had it set so that you can only request to see more of her pictures once you've matched. In addition to not being very hot, she wanted to get double-teamed by a random (me) and her boyfriend.

Wasn't interested.

 

[corrector]

And yeah, if I quit my job, I'd have energy to work out.

Exactly, so you see that people who are telling you to work-out don't have to make a difficult choice between choosing to quit their job and working out. Very easy advice to say on an anonymous board. It gets old after a while.

 

[Clockwerk50]

Exactly, so you see that people who are telling you to work-out don't have to make a difficult choice between choosing to quit their job and working out. Very easy advice to say on an anonymous board. It gets old after a while.

If he is too exhausted to work out after his job, imagine how drained he’ll feel juggling a girlfriend who needs attention, emotional work in a relationship, arranging logistics, and managing adult responsibilities, just to get sex, validation, acceptance or whatever he wants from a woman.

The advice gets old because it’s always the starting point: being fit and attractive gives you more margin for error, more options, and more chances to get what you want, even when you mess up, for a multitude of reasons that I am sure you have heard before.

 

[GoodMan32]

I have a pretty good idea of what it would look like if you found 3-4 hours per week...

Maybe if you took the time you're wasting on singles events to go to the gym. If you get home late, there are 24-hour gyms like Anytime Fitness. You could even build a home gym.

Hell...during the COVID lockdown, I was just doing bodyweight exercises.

You could probably have a much better love life than you're having right now if you'd be willing to listen to somebody other than yourself.

As for listening to somebody other than myself, my counselor had an extremely insightful piece of advice today for both autistic and neurotypical men alike.

My counselor said rather than trying to get as many first dates or as many one night stands as possible, or trying to solve the puzzle of the "right" thing to say or do, men should try to find a woman who, after getting to know him organically, likes him for the true him.

I even shared a story of a past coworker who showed signs obvious enough for even my autistic self to pick up on her clues.

Yet the ultimate problem I run into is my crippling phobia of getting rejected by a woman I actually know (which is why I never asked out the coworker)

This sucks. Men in general, even neurotypical men, are unlikely to be long-term compatible with a rando they meet on an app, at a bar, or at an organized singles event. Yet shooting my shot with 100 strangers at organized singles events or on apps is leaps and bounds easier for me than shooting my shot with even one woman I actually know, who's shown signs of being into me.

I matched with only 1 girl before I uninstalled the app. She had it set so that you can only request to see more of her pictures once you've matched. In addition to not being very hot, she wanted to get double-teamed by a random (me) and her boyfriend.

Wasn't interested.

A decent amount of Feeld profiles are couples looking for a 3-some (which doesn't interest me)

Exactly, so you see that people who are telling you to work-out don't have to make a difficult choice between choosing to quit their job and working out. Very easy advice to say on an anonymous board. It gets old after a while.

Yeah. Just because they have the energy to both hold a job and work out doesn't mean I do.

If he is too exhausted to work out after his job, imagine how drained he’ll feel juggling a girlfriend who needs attention, emotional work in a relationship, arranging logistics, and managing adult responsibilities, just to get sex, validation, acceptance or whatever he wants from a woman.

The advice gets old because it’s always the starting point: being fit and attractive gives you more margin for error, more options, and more chances to get what you want, even when you mess up, for a multitude of reasons that I am sure you have heard before.

If I got into a serious relationship, it's possible I might end up not having the energy to maintain the relationship. I'm at least willing to give a try, however. There's only one way to find out.

I never last with a workout regimen though. Since I already know from experience that I don't have the energy, why bother working out?

 

[BeExcellent]

Yes he is on the spectrum as noted @BPH but physical fitness is very important to him, as is his career (he truly enjoys programming & is brilliant at it in more than a dozen languages)....he does it for fun at times even...

And he is also an elite level athlete in an X games type sport...so ya he's very focused on those things. He's funny & cool but struggles to make small talk; struggles with social cues & takes things too literally at times. He fixates on what he *thinks* is an objective perspective despite reality at times....and that is what our resident autist does here.....Fixates.

So every individual is different (the guitarist in my band is also on the spectrum. He's an accomplished musician/sound engineer and holds a doctoral degree in chemistry as well...AND he has a girlfriend AND he keeps trim/fit AND he is average looking). So I disbelieve the excuses here too.

Stop posting if all you are going to do is whine. Seriously. Come back AFTER you apply changes to your mindset & habits.

Nobody likes Negative Nancy type people!

 

[BPH]

As for listening to somebody other than myself, my counselor had an extremely insightful piece of advice today for both autistic and neurotypical men alike.

My counselor said rather than trying to get as many first dates or as many one night stands as possible, or trying to solve the puzzle of the "right" thing to say or do, men should try to find a woman who, after getting to know him organically, likes him for the true him.

I even shared a story of a past coworker who showed signs obvious enough for even my autistic self to pick up on her clues.

Yet the ultimate problem I run into is my crippling phobia of getting rejected by a woman I actually know (which is why I never asked out the coworker)

This sucks. Men in general, even neurotypical men, are unlikely to be long-term compatible with a rando they meet on an app, at a bar, or at an organized singles event. Yet shooting my shot with 100 strangers at organized singles events or on apps is leaps and bounds easier for me than shooting my shot with even one woman I actually know, who's shown signs of being into me.



A decent amount of Feeld profiles are couples looking for a 3-some (which doesn't interest me)



Yeah. Just because they have the energy to both hold a job and work out doesn't mean I do.



If I got into a serious relationship, it's possible I might end up not having the energy to maintain the relationship. I'm at least willing to give a try, however. There's only one way to find out.

I never last with a workout regimen though. Since I already know from experience that I don't have the energy, why bother working out?

Listen, here's the gist of it...

You can either be a statistic or an exception.

It is YOUR choice.

But if you choose to continue being a statistic, as you've been so far, stop complaining about it to us.

 

[GoodMan32]

Yes he is on the spectrum as noted @BPH but physical fitness is very important to him, as is his career (he truly enjoys programming & is brilliant at it in more than a dozen languages)....he does it for fun at times even...

And he is also an elite level athlete in an X games type sport...so ya he's very focused on those things. He's funny & cool but struggles to make small talk; struggles with social cues & takes things too literally at times. He fixates on what he *thinks* is an objective perspective despite reality at times....and that is what our resident autist does here.....Fixates.

So every individual is different (the guitarist in my band is also on the spectrum. He's an accomplished musician/sound engineer and holds a doctoral degree in chemistry as well...AND he has a girlfriend AND he keeps trim/fit AND he is average looking). So I disbelieve the excuses here too.

Stop posting if all you are going to do is whine. Seriously. Come back AFTER you apply changes to your mindset & habits.

Nobody likes Negative Nancy type people!

As my counselor says, if you've met one person with autism, you've met one person with autism.

So your husband and your guitarist have no problem finding the energy to work out. Congrats. That doesn't mean every autist has the energy to work out.

On the flipside, I'm able to do certain stuff some autists would be unable to do (living by myself, traveling by myself, etc). The difference, however, is I'd never lecture an autist who's afraid to/unable to travel by himself about how easy it is to travel solo. I'm fully aware some autists (and even some neurotypicals) would find it terrifying.

Hell, the mere fact I hold a job at all is something some autists are unable to do.

Just like your husband, the thing I do for work is something I sometimes do for fun. I'm spectacular at my job. As for why I haven't advanced in the company I work for, that's a discussion beyond the scope of this forum.

Another thing my counselor said today is: Even if I never get over my phobia of asking out a woman I actually know (something I haven't done since 2012), I should at least shift my attitude from "asking out a woman I actually know is so terrifying I'm never going to be able to do it again" to "even though I'm not ready to face my fear today, maybe tomorrow"

 

[GoodMan32]

Listen, here's the gist of it...

You can either be a statistic or an exception.

It is YOUR choice.

But if you choose to continue being a statistic, as you've been so far, stop complaining about it to us.

I initially wasn't going to reply to you. Then I changed my mind (that's why I'm making a separate post, rather than multi-quoting in my last post)

Despite my autism, I went to college thousands of miles from home, in a state where I knew no one. While in college, I racked up a body count of 6 (all of which were free)

That, combined with some other stuff I've managed to do in spite of my autism (a condition much of the population views as synonymous with mental retardation), makes me quite the exception if you ask me, even if I'm not as developed as you'd like me to be.

 

[BPH]

even if I'm not as developed as you'd like me to be.

You're not as developed as YOU would like to be.

You are reliant on dating apps, prostitutes, and singles events.

Myself, and several other posters, are providing you with the blueprint to that development, and despite your situation, you continue to create excuses for why you can't take the medicine.

So, like I said, be a statistic or be an exception. If you're choosing to remain a statistic, then stop complaining to us about it.