Why the Cold Approach is fundamental in the art of becoming a DJ

[Tactical Assault]

In my opinion, to become skilled at the Cold Approach is to take the TRUEST step in becoming a Don Juan. Nothing realistically rivals it. In fact, mastery in this particular field allows you to succeed in pretty much any environment. I'll argue why in a moment.


Before I begin, I have to make one thing extremely clear. This debate really doesn't lend itself to those who are already in a LTR. For those of you who are looking for advice on how to maintain a relationship or keeping it strong and healthy, this thread really isn't about you.

It's sole concern is with those of us DJ's who are trying to attract, or more specifically meet, the girl(s) of our dreams. Henceforth my argument is to this group alone.

Meeting girls ain't all that easy if you're clueless about the Cold Approach. As I see it, there are 3 ways that a couple hooks up:


1) Pot luck. This realistically covers 90% of pairings. You've seen it happen a dozen times, or maybe you've been involved in such a liason yourself. It's the Golden Opportunity falling into your proverbial lap, so to speak.

Boy meets girl completely unintentionally. This is usually at some unexpected setting, for example in a classroom or at work, maybe even a random bookshop he decided to visit one day. The would-be couple begin to converse. In time, they will become friends. Later still, they'll start to develop romantic feelings. Eventually, they become lovers and/or a full-term couple.

Bear in mind that neither party was the aggressor i.e. there was no "chasing" to speak of. It just happened. It's the type of romance often depicted in the movies (best examples that come to mind are When Harry Met Sally (for older folks) and Boys And Girls (for the young 'uns).


2) Networking. Basically it means, "my buddies help me out". It's where you develop social bonds with a group of people (i.e. a network), in order for them to introduce you to a bunch of thier female associates.

It's kind of like, "a friend of a friend, who's friend introduced us". You know somebody, who knows somebody else who knows the one you are interested in, including all the relevant details about her. They also can gain you access to the desired female, which can seem pretty darn difficult without some external help. They are your help.

Networking covers "social proofing", where you make friends with a bunch of chicks in order to nail their hot buddies. Basically your female "friends" are the ones who will do all the legwork, and you will (hopefully) gain the fruits of their labor.

These types of situations are best displayed at parties. Jimmy Regular walks in, and his buddy Joe Popular invites him over to have drinks with a group of hot chicks. One of the girls is Melissa HB, whom Jimmy would like to nail. Joe is his meal ticket (and I would argue, his lifeline - more on that later).


3) The Cold Approach. Yeah, we finally had to get to it sometime. And here we are.

I would define it (broadly) as the ability to succeed with a woman in a situation that does not warrant a pick-up. In other words, at a bus stop, the mall, supermarket, bookshop, street, cafe etc.

A true DJ worth his weight in gold will always attempt to master this (in my opinion) fundamental skill. It is to walk up to a woman in an unsuitable place and initiate conversation, establish rapport, produce interest and influence her thoughts.

You should be aiming to walk away from the convo with some solid result in mind (a number, date, address etc.). If you have achieved your initial aim then you have experienced success, and if you can do it consistently then you are a TRUE DJ.

 

[Tactical Assault]

So why am I spending so much time fleshing out the details?

Because for me, #3 is the most important skill, perhaps the only important skill set, to master. This doesn't seem to be emphasised enough, and that's why I want to emphasise it here.


I think that we can all agree #1 is NOT the way any DJ wants to go. To have to settle for pot luck being the determinator of all your success with women is tantamount (for most of us) to winning the state lottery.

Yeah it happens. And I'm not gonna lie to you, it happens rather frequently. But you really don't want to have to rely on it as your means of support. It's clear enough why this is the case; you could end up waiting around forever, not exactly an appealing prospect for any budding DJ.

Add to that, you don't even necessarily get the girl you want. Leaving out the sheer thrill of the chase, this can be bad news. Coz I bet there's been many times in your life that you've stared across the room (or hallway, or staircase, or street) making eyes at some really HB in quiet desperation, hoping upon hope that she'd say something or something would "magically" happen. Nearly 100% of the time, it didn't.

No, you want to be able to take at least some amount of control over your destination, and go grab that girl you always wanted.


Needless to say, I don't think I'll get any arguments here.


No. #2 is an interesting one. Do you let your friends be the determinants of whom you can date? My answer is a resounding NO! In my opinion, it is really worthless to allow others to do your dirtywork for you.

This is because you are allowing external sources to influence who you can/can't meet, when that is really not the aim of an aspiring DJ (not a TRUE DJ, in any case).

Yes, social proofing can be a great way to meet chicks. But you shouldn't make it THE WAY. In fact if you can, try and relegate it to the background for good.

There are other reasons for this. For example, if you read around the forums you will tend to see advice going along the lines of, "make sure you learn these techniques before you go to college" or "don't miss out on the opporunity to use social proofing in college, where it's really easy to do" etc.

The thing is, not all of the guys reading this are going to be able to attend college (for whatever reason). This disqualifies them from the above advice straight away. Yet there are plenty of dudes I know who score with the chicks in spite of having never enrolled (in fact some I know who have probably had even more gf's than those who have attended). So I'm really not in favour of using the "college social proofer" argument.

This appeals to the broader argument that I would make. Namely, that you cannot really rely on any one particular environment coming to your aid when meeting babes. You really gotta try and exploit each individual situation.

Another thing to keep in mind, that just because they are your "friends" does not mean that your network can or will be able to set you up with your desired - it's very probable the best they can do is give you a general introduction to a whole bunch of girls, which can have problems in itself. For example, one girl in the group may take a fancy to you and object to you going out with her friend (a.k.a. your desired).

So it's pretty obvious from this that I'm not really a big fan of networking either. Don't get me wrong I think it can have it's uses at the right time, but it's just too unfocused and inprecise for you to rely upon.


Which brings me to No.#3, the favoured Cold Approach. As stated before, if you can master this fundamental skill, when it comes to meeting women, you'll need very little else.

Why is this? Because it is the toughest task that a DJ will have to face. It requires a subtlety that demands a lot of practice. It also occurs in situations where it is not the expected norm to pick a lady up.

But the payoff if you can get it right is immense. It means that from now on you will have the broadest scope of women to target. And you will be able to mack anywhere - at the shops, school, college, street, bus, corner - you name it, you can do it. Should the slightest opportunity arise you'll be able to capitalize on it. No longer will you have to worry about setting up potential opportunities to meet women (for e.g. at a club or party or somewhere contrived), but you can actually meet women anywhere.

That's why I say it's the fundamental weapon in a DJ's arsenal. It provides for maximum scope, targeting, and independance. You won't have to rely on anyone else to do it. You'll be able to get a girl from (I say it again for emphasis) anywhere.

It often helps if you can really visualize what this means. Picture yourself in an unlikely scenario (in terms of setting) walking away with the girl you really really really wanted - and didn't just wait around for. You not only took action (that's the easy part), but you were successful. And you're consistently successful each time you apply yourself to this s**t. Pretty amazing goal, huh?

To me the concept is paramount. It represents a watershed. If you can Mack with girls in this fashion, you can pretty much go Macking in any situation.

Think about it. At a party, you won't have to wait to be introduced to your intended. You've practiced a thousand times before this one, and now you are bleedin' good at it. You have developed such a high level of adeptness, that formal meeting situations like these are a piece of cake. After all, you've done it in places that were far less appropriate. What's more, you've succeeded in these "inappropriate" places. Truly then, you have mastered the highest art form in the DJ universe. Pat yourself on the back and give yourself a nice cigar.



Now a lot of fellow DJ's are gonna chide me for writing all this. It all seems fairly obvious, so why the heck am I acting as though it were something new?


The answer - focus. Though I think every other thread is about the "Cold Approach", I don't think it is really mentioned explicitly. Personally I feel this is important, because it signals that we are not necessarily dealing with the same subject matter.

For example, many of the threads started here will ask for advice about what to do at a party, how to network (in some form or other), or what to say to a chick on the opening.

I think this sort of sidesteps the greater question we are all asking. If we were to focus on how to meet girls, I think the Cold Approach is the ONLY real way to go. And it should be explicitly stated. In fact, though I do concede that there are a few good threads about how to utilize this technique (e.g. this thread being one of them), I would like at some point for us on the DJ forums to start The Ultimate Cold Approach Thread.



I feel it is at the heart of the issue. The basic purpose of this thread is to show how the Cold Approach is really the best way to go for a DJ, and it outlines the reasons (advantages) of why this is the case.


Remember Don Juaners, awareness is the first step you must take. There are a lot of DJ's on this board who will be afraid to take the Cold Approach and will think it adequate to use other forms of macking to get what they want. The truth is, they are cheating themselves of the only TRUE skill that matters - picking up girls on the fly in all sorts of situations. It is only then that you can call yourself a TRUE DJ.


Mastery of this is a must.

 

[Tactical Assault]

****************************************************


PLEASE BEAR IN MIND FOLKS THAT I HAD TO POST IN 2 PARTS AS THE SERVER WOULDN'T LET ME ABOVE THE MAX. WORD LIMIT.

Thank you.




****************************************************

 

[MercutioTHEGREAT]

You Speak nothing but truth...the truest player can pick up anygirl anytime...

The ultimate cold approach should be info given by all master Dj's of this matter.

the thread should help us all...good post tactical

 

[Killer_Demo]

nice post

 

[nishbuk]

I think you're absolutely right. And it's not because the DJ is just a guy that can pick up a girl whenever he wants. It's because the DJ is a complete package. He can stand up for himself in all situations, can make friends, make acquaintances, or can even get and influence business contacts. the DJ needs this social skill, because it's the one skill that will help you enhance EVERY part of your life that requires dealing with people. From dealing with people at work, to dealing with classmates, professors, even people in stores trying to sell stuff to you. If you can cold approach, and make it happen, then I'll bet that you are sure enough of yourself to talk to anyone, and confidently get your point across in any situation. Be it work, friends, school, hobbies, or anything else.

 

[Inquire]

nice post, i think the same way, cold approaches is has to be basic for dons and it is the best way as well.

 

[zerocelcius]

I think I agree but the post was too long to read all of it.

 

[Tactical Assault]

Thx guys for all the positive replies and feedback - it's good to find the fellow CA'ers among us.


zerocelcius, effort man, effort! You have to put in the time if you wanna be a real DJ


nishbuk what you said warrants it's own thread. In fact, I was going to go into all that but the post would have ended up 350 pages long :crackup:



Anyway, gotta remind myself to do two other threads:

1) The Ultimate CA thread

2) An Answer to "How successful is the CA?" thread

 

[PeoplesChamp]

I agree. Isn't the reason we aspire to DJism because we want to be in control of our destiny and to choose instead of being chosen...Now if I could just execute...

 

[ev3nst3v3n]

good post.

 

[pimpfromdayone]

Good post. The sad truth is that, most guys get girls by pure luck, just like you said. I would say #2 is a part of #1 in your list though, so that leaves like 99% of guys getting girls just by getting lucky, and it is true. Being able to capitalize on everyday opportunities as they present themself (with girls you don't know) is what a DJ is. And, of course, if you can't do a full cold approach, you can't do this. I also think the CA gives people a chance to get rejected at least once so they can be a fully tempered DJ.

 

[Create Reality]

This post is very insightful Tac, good work , I'm putting this in my personal DJ collection.

:rockon:

 

[Derek Flint]

Keep in mind that one skill does not validate the other, nor does mastering it make you a DJ

I know a guy who can cold approach fearlessly, all day long and get a pile of ph numbers, but he's an AFC and can't F or K close if his life depended on it.

 

[ikkenai]

Why is this? Because it is the toughest task that a DJ will have to face. It requires a subtlety that demands a lot of practice. It also occurs in situations where it is not the expected norm to pick a lady up.

Totally true, I'm pretty damn accomplished at the cold approach and I still haven't worked out the nuances.

CA's are great, they allow you the means to go for what you want, when you want it, with a decent rate of success. But I for one have nothing wrong with the other two situations, in fact, they'd be a nice change of pace! My social skills are such that I can CA, but I don't have a huge network of friends. Definately something I have to work on. If anyone here has a big mixed-gender social circle, I'd love to get some tips on how to build it.

 

[The Bad Ass Canadian]

I need some clarification on what a cold approach is?

Is it :

1 - Girl gives you the buying signals (eye contact....etc..) and you decide wether or not you're interested and then approach if you so desire?

or is it:

2- You walk up to any hot chick you decide is your type, regardless of what state she's in? She could be completely lost in thought and not even be aware that you're there.

I'd never walk up to some random HB without having a hunch that she's "sorta" interested, anyways. I'm kinda private and don't like random people invading my space, and I would expect anyone else to be the same way..... I'm no player, and just walking up to some girl and blatantly hitting on her, in my mind, would give off those player vibes.

All of my approaches are done when she's sending me buying signals.

It hasn't failed me yet, and happens a few times a week.

Can someone elaborate on this, cause this is one area that I am no expert on and I'll admit it.

Reason being is that I get appraoched quite often, by guy standards, so me approaching them has never been much of an issue....It also could be cause I'm Canadian, and on the east coast it's pretty laid back. You don't see alot of those types of approaches happening like you would in some of the hot spots like L.A or Miami or some sh!t.

 

[ikkenai]

Originally posted by The Bad Ass Canadian
I need some clarification on what a cold approach is?

Is it :

1 - Girl gives you the buying signals (eye contact....etc..) and you decide wether or not you're interested and then approach if you so desire?

or is it:

2- You walk up to any hot chick you decide is your type, regardless of what state she's in? She could be completely lost in thought and not even be aware that you're there.

I'd never walk up to some random HB without having a hunch that she's "sorta" interested, anyways. I'm kinda private and don't like random people invading my space, and I would expect anyone else to be the same way..... I'm no player, and just walking up to some girl and blatantly hitting on her, in my mind, would give off those player vibes./B]

I guess I've done both. I got some girl's attention just by smacking her with my water bottle while we passed in the hall.

I'm always trying to get eye contact and notice them noticing me first, though. What else are you going to do, tap her on the shoulder from behind? Weak dude. A friendly look on her face before I approach is enough for me most of the time.

(also canadian)

 

[Cheat_LBJ]

Originally posted by The Bad Ass Canadian

I'd never walk up to some random HB without having a hunch that she's "sorta" interested, anyways. I'm kinda private and don't like random people invading my space, and I would expect anyone else to be the same way..... I'm no player, and just walking up to some girl and blatantly hitting on her, in my mind, would give off those player vibes.

Well, the thing is you can never truly tell whether anything is a "buying" signal to begin with. Different women act differently, and I'd argue that the concept of "buying signals" is really no guideline whatsoever.

I've had girls make eye contact with me countless times and then act like they were being put upon when I walked up and introduced myself.

So, I think every approach is "Cold" in that way. Basically, if you want to approach, go do it.

 

[The Bad Ass Canadian]

Originally posted by Cheat_LBJ
Well, the thing is you can never truly tell whether anything is a "buying" signal to begin with. Different women act differently, and I'd argue that the concept of "buying signals" is really no guideline whatsoever.

I've had girls make eye contact with me countless times and then act like they were being put upon when I walked up and introduced myself.

So, I think every approach is "Cold" in that way. Basically, if you want to approach, go do it.

Ok, thanx for adding a bit of clarity to that.

I have no problems approaching... I just could never see myself just tapping some random chick on the shoulder like the guy above mentioned... lol... that would just be completely weak.

What i mean by buying signals is that it's what women are supposed to do. They will give you the "invitational gaze" and you either gotta act upon it or not.

You gotta fine tune yourself to pick up on this. If she holds her gaze when your eyes meet, then I'd say hello for sure....if she's hot, of course.

 

[pimpfromdayone]

I'd say walking up to anyone you don't know is a cold approach, but the TRUEST cold approach of all is when you do it blindly, without already having eye contact or buying signals from her. That is the true test. If you already made ec and stuff, it makes it easier. Oh yeah, I did tap a girl on the shoulder one time when she was sitting down with her friends at a table, when I was pretty AFC. She turned around and I asked her name, then told her she was hot.... to which she replied, "what?" like she didn't understand why someone would say this to her or something, how stupid she was. I repeated it, but by this time I had gotten so red and nervous I blew it and I could see she had no interest whatsoever, or maybe she just didn't know how to handle it (she had never had a bf, wonder why? lol). I think she was a les-bian though, so, no loss.