Why No Contact is your Only Option after a Breakup

Jariel

Master Don Juan
Joined
Oct 17, 2004
Messages
4,419
Reaction score
287
Location
UK
Whether trying to get your ex back or move on, there’s are good reasons why no contact is such a highly recommended strategy. Because it works!

First of all, it removes you from the source of the pain (her) and will spare you multiple rejections every time you reach out.

Secondly, it gives her space to feel your absence and realise what she’s lost.

And most importantly, it allows time for your emotions to settle and gives you chance to rationalise your compulsive thinking.

Right now, your head is all over the place and you don’t have any consistency in your thoughts or feelings. One minute you’re going to hate her and fixate on all the things she did to ruin the relationship. The next minute, you’re going to miss everything about her. You’ll go through confusion and denial. You’ll picture her with other men and make yourself angry. You’ll rehearse speeches and convince yourself if you say the right thing or act a certain way you can win her back.

Attempting to talk to her when you’re so unstable is going to cause irreparable damage. You’ll act like a ***** and say things you later regret. Then you’ll try to retract them and dig yourself deeper into a pit of shame.

There are no magic words or Jedi mind tricks that will suddenly make her reverse her decision. If that’s what you’re looking for, keep searching. There are plenty of hustlers willing to scam you out of your money.

You can’t use reason and logic to communicate on an emotional level. You can’t persuade someone to be attracted to you.



The Harsh Truth

In the weeks following your breakup, your ex will be feeling a sense of relief. For whatever reason, the relationship was making her unhappy. She doesn’t want to hurt you and she’s been stressing over this decision long before she called it off. So now that it’s done, she’s freed herself of a burden. She’s likely to be feeling optimistic about the future and looking forward to making the most of her free time. Think of a time you were the one doing the rejecting and you’ll know what I mean.

Even if you get her to reply, it will be out of guilt or pity. No self-respecting man wants that.

That’s not what you want to hear, is it? But knowing this will help you understand why now is the worst time to speak to her. She’s not missing you at this moment and she’ll never miss you if you’re still lingering around.

Keep in mind the old proverb, “Familiarity breeds contempt”.

The most common reason men get dumped is because they’re too available and accommodating. If that sounds like you towards the end of your relationship then you allowed her to take you for granted. You lost your value.

Conversely, it’s human nature to want what we can’t have or what we stand to lose. And this is exactly why you should cut contact with your ex.

That means no text messages, calls, emails, no turning up where she hangs out…literally no contact with her for any reason. No mind games. No liking or commenting on her social media posts.




Resist Temptation

You’ll try to find excuses to contact her. You’ll think your breakup is an exception to the rule. You’ll worry she’ll forget you. You think talking to her will stop her moving on. You’ll convince yourself she’s too scared or stubborn to make the first move and she’s waiting for your call.

That’s the desperation we talked about.

Don’t try to adapt this advice and come up with your own strategy. Don’t think you can drop a message trying to act indifferent and cool, because the very act of sending a message shows you’re not cool. She’ll see right through it. No contact means no contact. I can’t stress how important this is.

Whenever I’ve ignored this advice, I’ve regretted it. Everyone I’ve ever spoken to or read about who ignored this advice ended up regretting it. Do not ignore this advice!

The only exception to this rule is if you have shared custody of kids, a home, legal issues or you work together, in which case you should keep communication to a minimum. Be civilised and upbeat, but deal only with the essential issues. No relationship talk.

One of the most helpful things I did during past breakups was to delete my ex’s number from my phone. It can be too easy to send an impulsive text – especially after a drink or two – so it pays to remove the temptation. Even if you remember her number, the act of typing it out (or writing her email address or postal address) could give you just enough time to let the impulse settle.

If you reach out to her after you have been dumped, she’ll continue to take you for granted. She can take chances with other guys knowing you’ll be there as a safety net if things don’t work out.

When you cut all contact, however, you force her to experience life without you. It’s in the quiet, lonely moments that our minds are most active. Over time, she’ll start reflecting on the relationship with an open-mind. She’ll put the bad things in perspective and remember all the positive experiences you shared and all your great qualities she took for granted.

I’ll warn you now, if you make contact before you’re ready, her reply (or lack thereof) could knock you back into a state of despair and you’ll have to start the healing process all over again.

So how will you know if you’re ready? Close your eyes and imagine the worst case scenario. You contact her and find out she’s dating somebody else. It’s going well and she’s happy. How do you feel? If you react emotionally to this thought, then you’re not ready.





Before you get her back, you need to get yourself back

At this point I should make one thing very clear. No contact isn’t just some manipulative mind game to win your ex back. It will always begin that way because you can’t think of anything else. Right now, you’re clinging to whatever hope you can find and just looking to get from one day to the next.

The ironic thing is that once you stop caring and move on, that’s when they’re most likely to come back. That’s the end goal of no contact. It’s about severing your unhealthy dependence on her and putting yourself first so you can return to the man you used to be. This doesn’t happen overnight.

Many experts recommend 30 to 90 days of no contact, depending on the length of the relationship. In reality, this is an arbitrary target to aim for. What matters more is how you use this time. If you spend every one of those days stalking her social media, strategizing, looking at old photos and wallowing in self-pity, you’ll feel as bad on day 90 as you did on day 1.

However, if you engage in productive activities, work on getting your **** together, you may feel the benefits within a few weeks. By 60 days you’ll be feeling more like your old self (or an improved version thereof) and have a detached view of the relationship. By the 90 day mark you should be thinking rationally again and may realise you’re better off moving forwards rather than going back.

After my most recent breakup I initiated no contact immediately and did everything right. I focused on healing and rebuilding my life. The first few weeks were hard going, filled with pain and regret. However, by the time day 60 came around I experienced a radical shift in my perspective. I wasn’t missing my ex. I had stopped romanticising the relationship and saw it for the wretched mess it had turned into.

I finally accepted the breakup as a blessing and felt relieved we hadn’t decided to try again. By day 70 I started dating a gorgeous girl and was rediscovering the passion and excitement that had been lacking in my relationship.

There’s no guarantee this will happen for everyone in the same time frame, but you will notice your thinking changes with time and it gets easier to let go and see the positives of moving forward.

Do not treat these numbers as a countdown until you can call her up and resume your chasing and persuasion tactics. That defeats the purpose of no contact and proves you’re still the same clingy bootlicker she rejected in the first place. She never wanted that version of you, so why should she want him back 30 to 90 days later?

If you were the one being rejected, I’d recommend you avoid making contact indefinitely. Yes, really!

“Oh, but what if my ex is too stubborn to reach out first?” I hear you ask.

Thinking this way proves you’re still in that needy mindset. You’re focused on her and not on yourself.

When you chase a woman, it communicates that you value her more than you value yourself. That, right there, is why she broke up with you.

And frankly, if she’s not willing to make first contact, she clearly doesn’t care enough. It means she’s moving on and so should you. That’s hard to hear, I know, but give it time and it’ll all make sense.
 

Barrister

Master Don Juan
Joined
Apr 28, 2018
Messages
2,471
Reaction score
4,177
Age
38
Most of the time when your ex reaches out to you after a breakup it is generally only for validation. I knew this but just today was given this dose of reality first hand. My ex had reached out this past Tuesday after 3 months of No Contact (we broke up about 3.5 months ago after a 2.5 year LTR). She claimed it was to refer a case for work but that took two minutes and we talked another twenty about this and that. I felt during the call that she was clearly trying to feel out if I was seeing someone.

I found out today that she has actually been in another LTR for approximately a month. The break in No Contact was clearly because she wanted me to ask if she was seeing someone or ask her out even though I did not realize it at the time (I broke up with her so I am guessing she was going to relish turning me down to tell me she was seeing someone). This reach out was not for us to get back together -- it was because she was hoping for me to make her feel special again and like she had "won" even though she got dumped.

No Contact is NOT to get your ex back. Usually it doesn't lead to that. No Contact is to help yourself get over her. If you are using it to get the ex back you can almost be assured it is going to backfire and blow up in your face in the worst way possible.
 

Barrister

Master Don Juan
Joined
Apr 28, 2018
Messages
2,471
Reaction score
4,177
Age
38
From what I've observed, the minority of women who do come back after dumping a guy tend to leave again. Women come back for a variety of reasons - short term comfort after getting pumped and dumped by new chads, ego validation to see if you're still pining and perishing for her, boredom etc.

Add to this the enormous amount of female abundance in the current world. Once she dumps you, she literally has millions of new guys to sort through as potential new mates. She ain't got time for a man that she's lost attraction for - and mark my words, the only reason a woman dumps a guy is attraction has died and she thinks that she can do better. Women literally put up with anything, including cheating, if she is attracted to a guy.

The purpose of No Contact is to cut-off your supply to an addictive attachment to a woman. Using No Contact to get an Ex back will end in disappointment 99% of the time.
Good posts. You are spot on.
 

Barrister

Master Don Juan
Joined
Apr 28, 2018
Messages
2,471
Reaction score
4,177
Age
38
If you get dumped by a woman, go No Contact. If she hasn't reached out by a week then you're fvcked.

I'd say a week because women do sometimes leave a guy just to see how he reacts. It's a nuclear sh! test. But this is usually something she will do for only a few days. This is called a Fake Breakup. It's usually only a few days because she doesn't want to risk the guy going out and banging new girls. When a woman is attracted to a guy then she will mate-guard him (women are jealous creatures).

If a week has passed and you haven't heard from her, then you're in a real break-up and you act accordingly - this means accepting reality, removing the denial as much as possible, learning to live with the regret, and leveling-up as a man so you can attract new women when you're ready.
I broke up with my ex but it was because I could see the writing on the wall. She was slowly withdrawing. I beat her to the punch. I broke no contact 10 days into It and immediately regretted it. There’s literally nothing to be gained by not sticking to it 100% whether you are the dumper or the dumpee. There’s a reason a breakup occurs and you aren’t going to change reality even if they come back for a (short) period of time.
 

Bigpapa

Master Don Juan
Joined
Nov 17, 2020
Messages
3,165
Reaction score
2,475
Age
124
This is typically why guys dump. She starts with withdrawing/not giving her best anymore and the guy hopes that dumping her will pull her into line. Guys will then reach out, after dumping her, to see if she's decided to improve her behavior.

What actually happens is the woman is relieved that she didn't have to do the dumping. Dumping her doesn't actually have the effect that most guys hoped for, and reaching out to a woman you've dumped is a disaster. She has to reach out first, and not only that, she has to beg. If you dump a girl and walk away then you have to mean it.
depends also on the reason she is dumping you

usually there are 3 main reasons

1) she felt she can do better
2) you were a major d1ckhead
3) the relationship was not progressing

if it is 1 , then you are spot on

if it is 2 and 3 , then you have to bait her back in , as her ego will not let her contact you . And also you have to raise your attainability , which means that you have to be warmer towards her

we all know that women have super big egos
 

Bigpapa

Master Don Juan
Joined
Nov 17, 2020
Messages
3,165
Reaction score
2,475
Age
124
I dunno about (2) and (3). In my experience, a woman will put up with anything as long as attraction is high., including waiting for the relationship to "progress" and putting up with you being a complete a$$hole. To be honest, women like a$$holes and d1ckheads that they are attracted to. Women also like the relationship not progressing because it represents a challenge, and the guy is hard to tie down.

I think (2) and (3) only come into play when there's a simultaneous fall in attraction. If attraction falls, then (1) comes into play where she thinks she can find better i.e. a guy she's attracted to.
from experience , they like them till a point

I think that women are biologically wired to fall out of love if things do not progress in a certain time period , or if she feels that she can not have you

the thing is that when she likes and hates you in the same they become confuse and is very difficult to get an idea if they are attracted to you or not , as they do not know this either

and attraction is different than attachment

I have exes that would still sleep with me occasionally , but will never want a relationship with me , unless they know that I am changed and will treat them nice
 

Velasco

Master Don Juan
Joined
Jan 25, 2021
Messages
1,255
Reaction score
1,396
Age
30
he said when you were a major dckhead. not a dckhead in general (which she likes). as in you did something so cruel to her, she dumped you for it. in this case its a matter of being aloof at the breakup. never apologizing, not falling for her sht tests. mostly a waiting game, like the fisherman waits at sea for the fish to hook. then when she sends that text, you know its game over. you have her right where you want her. and she's back :) in person just mostly pretend feeling sorry for your actions + extra warming to make her feel good about her decision to let you back in. rinse repeat process whenever you get bored again haha
 

Velasco

Master Don Juan
Joined
Jan 25, 2021
Messages
1,255
Reaction score
1,396
Age
30
Here text on October 19 was the text that says to me its game over :)
 

Bigpapa

Master Don Juan
Joined
Nov 17, 2020
Messages
3,165
Reaction score
2,475
Age
124
Yes, I meant major d!ckhead. How do you define what a major d1ckhead is? Women love cruelty. I can't think of a single thing that women would ever find "too cruel". Have you noticed how many women find the Patrick Bateman, American Psycho, Ted Bundy archetype attractive? And that's just the ones that admit to it. Women are usually loathed to admit what they attracted to, because it is very dark.

It's a well understood problem, which is why in the old days fathers would choose who their daughters would marry. Women make "bad" choices and loved getting pumped by naughty, dirty-d1cked Rodneys.
dunno if they really like it , but for sure guys who have this balls to do it , either are crazy either are good with girls , or both

so women see this as preselection , which gives her indirect signals that you are a guy that women like
 

logicallefty

Moderator
Joined
Apr 26, 2006
Messages
6,061
Reaction score
5,240
Age
50
Location
Northeast Florida, USA
No contact is POWERFUL stuff with woman and anywhere in life. Recently my woman was having issues with her dad. I read some of his messages to her and heard some sh|t he said about her behind her back. He was being a complete douche bag, out of line. What I told her was "Ignore him for a couple of weeks and i bet he changes his tone towards you". She did. Total NC for about 2 weeks. He's being all nice to her now. Kissing her azz. Apologizing. He even came by to see her in person, which he hadn't been to see her in person at her place in over a year, only her to his place. They live about 10 miles apart. She told me "Wow, this no contact stuff works!" Sure does, powerful stuff! ;)
 

Jariel

Master Don Juan
Joined
Oct 17, 2004
Messages
4,419
Reaction score
287
Location
UK
The problem with this advice is a failure to understand that women reverse-rationalize the decisions they make. This falls under the "women never take responsibility for their choices" category.

If the relationship got bad enough to a point where she initiated the dumping, I'd say the vast majority of men are screwed in this situation. Women typically flag they want out of a relationship long before they make a move to dump. She is actually hoping the guy will pick up on her signals and have the balls to dump her first, so she doesn't have to be the bad guy.

So, if the guy has let the relationship decline to a point where she is having to take the lead and end the relationship.....it's very hard to come back from that. She is never able to un-see that terminal drop in her attraction for you.
I agree. Many women will forgive abuse, cheating and neglect, but if she loses respect for you it's near impossible to recover from that. That said, the only way she will regain that respect is if you respect yourself, walk away with dignity and stop contacting her.

I know most guys can only think of getting their ex back, but ultimately no contact is a chance to rebuild our confidence and break free of that dependence that drove her away. That's a good point that women never don't reverse-rationalize, which is why the worst thing you can do is try to talk things over or try to convince her to come back.

I've had some exes come back after dumping me, but it's usually long after I've moved on and spent some time working on myself. But I've always found a few months into no contact I'm ready to find someone else rather than go back.
 

Grinderman

Banned
Joined
Feb 13, 2021
Messages
280
Reaction score
299
No contact is POWERFUL stuff with woman and anywhere in life. Recently my woman was having issues with her dad. I read some of his messages to her and heard some sh|t he said about her behind her back. He was being a complete douche bag, out of line. What I told her was "Ignore him for a couple of weeks and i bet he changes his tone towards you". She did. Total NC for about 2 weeks. He's being all nice to her now. Kissing her azz. Apologizing. He even came by to see her in person, which he hadn't been to see her in person at her place in over a year, only her to his place. They live about 10 miles apart. She told me "Wow, this no contact stuff works!" Sure does, powerful stuff! ;)
Good advice to her. This is how the codependent emotional chains are broken and you can go back (with family) to dealing with them in a more objective fashion. Works both ways. The author of codependent no more reckons if you come from a dysfunctional family that know how to push your buttons (emotional chains) you may need to go away (cut contact) for a couple of years to break those chains.

With women, there's no going back. You just go back to what broke you up in the first place. plus if she did the dumping her interest level is in tatters. There's no point dealing with a woman with a tattered interest level AND built up resentment. You can't go back to a dirty slate. best to face reality when the interest level has gone and the blood letting is too high: move on and never look back.
 

christie

Banned
Joined
Oct 29, 2020
Messages
793
Reaction score
494
I agree. Many women will forgive abuse, cheating and neglect, but if she loses respect for you it's near impossible to recover from that. That said, the only way she will regain that respect is if you respect yourself, walk away with dignity and stop contacting her.

I know most guys can only think of getting their ex back, but ultimately no contact is a chance to rebuild our confidence and break free of that dependence that drove her away. That's a good point that women never don't reverse-rationalize, which is why the worst thing you can do is try to talk things over or try to convince her to come back.

I've had some exes come back after dumping me, but it's usually long after I've moved on and spent some time working on myself. But I've always found a few months into no contact I'm ready to find someone else rather than go back.
Jariel and pan87 make good points about expectations a woman may have that can be unfair but terminal to the relationship.
When a woman loses respect, fails at prompting the man to take the lead to end the relationship with the flags she sends up and generally she experiences that distaste that she has to be the one to end the bad relationship....there is no regaining of respect of the man as the leader.
His best hope is a submissive beta role for the future reestablished relationship, but chances are she'll abuse the power shift and cheat on him to punish him.

Women's sometimes unrealistic expectations of men as the leaders are an obstacle.

There's a type of failsafe dependence some women feel with men who they expect to always be leading.

Loss of respect when she realises he's not the leader she expected is permanent, or so it appears.
 

derby1

Master Don Juan
Joined
Aug 10, 2017
Messages
3,314
Reaction score
3,457
if anyone thinks women dont like *******s. look at who they type paragraphs about on social media, and share meme's about. Never ever is it a good guy, (unless theyre 4 kids in and found some Beta from betasville to take on them on)

Ive never seen a a dime write anything about the good guy who took her to the beach for the weekend last month, with Keith Sweats greatest hits on
 

derby1

Master Don Juan
Joined
Aug 10, 2017
Messages
3,314
Reaction score
3,457
Like quitting drinking or drugs. Literally, it’s body chemical drugs.
True , a hot chic messed me about around 6 months ago, big booty, big titties, (she had actually removed my drug supply by messing me about so I was a little annoyed), but 3 weeks of NC reminded me what a terrible human being she was, and my mind levelled out.
 

mrgoodstuff

Master Don Juan
Joined
Aug 27, 2015
Messages
17,887
Reaction score
12,116
Location
DFW, TX
if anyone thinks women dont like *******s. look at who they type paragraphs about on social media, and share meme's about. Never ever is it a good guy, (unless theyre 4 kids in and found some Beta from betasville to take on them on)

Ive never seen a a dime write anything about the good guy who took her to the beach for the weekend last month, with Keith Sweats greatest hits on
I got a few of them on my FB. They are like the "thirsty guy" for the guys they really want. Those guys don't want to get caught. It's always someone she cannot reveal ( several ladies btw ). They use their 100's of orbiters to kiss their azz to fluff their heads up. By acting like that, she would never be attracted to you because the guys she's attracted to would NEVER do that. Their always trying to get a player to commit or go after a high esteemed/high earning professional who is in a different level than them.
 
Top