Why moving in with her too soon is a disaster

CS Project

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Note: there are many reasons you should not move in/cohabitate with a girl too soon. Rollo Tomassi has written about it and I'm sure many others have. In this post I want to draw from experience in my own life (I'm close to 40) and give a very specific reason why you should NOT move in with your girlfriend too soon.

The reason is, you lose all power to withdraw yourself from her. Cobra Tate has described excellently how a good girlfriend is not something you magically stumble upon - it's something you build. Now of course there are personality differences between girls, and some girls are better than others, but understand that no matter the girl you get with you will have to "train" her if you want a good girlfriend. There are girls who are suitable blueprints and those who are less suited for LTR-material. How you behave, especially in the early phases of your relationship, makes all the difference as to how good your girlfriend and your relationship will be. You need to show her from the start that you don't tolerate sh1t.

One very specific tool you have in doing this is your attention. Cobra Tate has also explained the power of male attention, or rather the withdrawal of it. Withdrawing your attention from a girl is probably the most powerful thing you can do. If you argue with her, yell at her, call her names etc which I'm sure a lot of you have done when fighting with girlfriends or wives, you have already lost.

Now, of course you have to state, or somehow make known to your girlfriend when you do not approve of something she has done. But this should not turn into an argument. How you make it known to her best differs from situation to situation. Just remember that if you want to modify her behaviour she has to know when she has done something bad, or rather, that you are a man with options who doesn't tolerate sh1tty behaviour.

So what do I mean by this in practive? If your girlfriend behaves badly you should either tell her to go home (if she's at your place) or go home yourself (if you're at her place). The trick is not to seem emotionally distressed, as it probably won't work in that case. Rather, if she starts talking about an ex lover or says some guy is so hot or just gives you any type of bullsh1t, whatever it might be, just tell her "I have stuff I need to do you should go home now". Or something similar. She will probably be confused but she has to comply. Now, withdraw your attention from her. If you talk to her or see her daily; skip a day. If you do it weekly; skip a week. You get the point.

Now, the more difficult part is how you make your point. There are alternatives and I can't really give you a one size fits all solution because it depends on a ton of factors. One is to not talk or explain anything at all about it. Just withdraw your attention everytime she f*cks up and MAYBE she will begin to figure out, maybe just unconsioucly, that you don't tolerate bad behaviour. And hopefully stop with that behaviour (and respect you more for having boundaries!). Sometimes, and I say SOMETIMES only, there may be a point in explaining (without turning into arguing!) what upset you about her behaviour. For example, if it has anything to do with her advertising availability to other guys or what not, you could say simply something like "Thought you were more serious about this relationship but it seems you're not". And then withdraw your attention for some time. Again, a lot of times it is probably best not to explain anything as she will get the point anyway, but SOMETIMES it is good if you overtly point out what she did wrong. If you decide to explain, you should probably do it after you have talked to her again, not BEFORE you withdraw your attention because then she will know why and think that you are sulking/mad.

Over time as you state your boundaries and "punish" her bad behaviour she will modify her behaviour (if she really likes you) and in the end respect you a hell of a lot more for it. Or maybe she won't and then you can just next her and walk away with your dignity.

The problem when you move in too soon in a relationship is that you lose your ability to do this. You basically have to travel away or you have to break up/next her right away. You lose the ability to dissapear.

What most guys do, and what I've done myself unfortunately, is NOT withdrawing attention. Rather, when she behaves badly, guys either say nothing (building up rage inside) or start an argument that goes nowhere and just leaves her with less respect for you. Cause you argue and call her names and then you crawl down into the same bed and sulk on your side. She knows she's got you and that you won't ever dissapear no matter what she does to you.

Girls will always push a guy to see how much sh1t he can take. If you don't set boundaries, she will push you over completely eventually. Some girls are nicer and push softer/more slowly. But all girls do it and you need to maintain your tools to build your girlftriend the right way from the start. I have succesfully used this technique myself and when done right your girlfriend will be so more loving, respectful and sexually available to you afterwards than she was before. And hopefully she will stop doing whatever upset you.

So don't move in to fast because you lose one of your most valuable tools.
 
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Roober

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It's important to have your own place for a while before you cohabitate with a woman.

It's important that when/if you make the choice, it's because you enjoy giving your time to a good woman. You should never move in to save money, get more sex, keep her, or any other stupid reason.

Nothing is black and white, but I firmly believe of should be on your terms and your place. She can always get the boot for bad behavior.
 

MrWood

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you should NOT move in with your girlfriend
Welcome to her frame, her power.

This is like traveling distance to see her on first date...
The woman needs to COME to you
The woman needs to MOVE in with you

Men lead, women FOLLOW
Women HATE to lead, it disgusts them and lead to them to eventually despising you.
 

cola

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Here’s my advice: If you move her in make sure it’s YOUR place.
Have a backup plan if you go to leasing office and ask to pay your half of the lease they’ll usually let you go.

if it’s your house that you are mortgaging you can always have her served an eviction notice like anyone else. If it’s that bad and she is acting like a child about it you can crash on someone’s couch till she legally has to moveout.

You don’t have to feel trapped because you move in with a girl, cause you aren’t. The one good thing about if it’s her place is you can pack your **** and move at any time.

Have some money saved Incase this happens.
 
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Speculator E

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So don't move in to fast because you lose one of your most valuable tools.
Good advice but you need to dumb it down and make it shorter because most young people have ADHD and have the attention span of approximately 10 sec.
 
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Snag87

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It's important to have your own place for a while before you cohabitate with a woman.

It's important that when/if you make the choice, it's because you enjoy giving your time to a good woman. You should never move in to save money, get more sex, keep her, or any other stupid reason.

Nothing is black and white, but I firmly believe of should be on your terms and your place. She can always get the boot for bad behavior.
Haha, you think if you let someone move in with you they can be booted out on a whim for "bad behavior"?

Lawyers would have a field day with you
 

Roober

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Haha, you think if you let someone move in with you they can be booted out on a whim for "bad behavior"?

Lawyers would have a field day with you
I understand the intricacies of rental agreements and tenancy. I figured that was implied...
 

Epic Days

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Move in with a woman? Is there a safe time to do that?
 

Trump

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Why moving in with her too soon is a disaster.

Fixed it for you.
 
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RickTheToad

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When you are done playing the field and she's proven herself, then it can be considered. You would just need a co-habitation agreement. If you were to get married, co-habitation agreement and a pre-nup a year in advance of the signed death warrant, on video, with a retired (or current) Judge and notarized. Then, after marriage, you both sign a post-nup under same principle. Of course, IANAFL, so check with a lawyer in your own Country/State/Province/Parish/Hut.

If the b itch won't do this and sign, then you walk away. She wasn't worth it anyway. She never "loved" you, just wanted your security.
 

dustmuffin

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When you are done playing the field and she's proven herself, then it can be considered. You would just need a co-habitation agreement. If you were to get married, co-habitation agreement and a pre-nup a year in advance of the signed death warrant, on video, with a retired (or current) Judge and notarized. Then, after marriage, you both sign a post-nup under same principle. Of course, IANAFL, so check with a lawyer in your own Country/State/Province/Parish/Hut.

If the b itch won't do this and sign, then you walk away. She wasn't worth it anyway. She never "loved" you, just wanted your security.
To much trouble for little reward
 

stringpuller

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Note: there are many reasons you should not move in/cohabitate with a girl too soon. Rollo Tomassi has written about it and I'm sure many others have. In this post I want to draw from experience in my own life (I'm close to 40) and give a very specific reason why you should NOT move in with your girlfriend too soon.

The reason is, you lose all power to withdraw yourself from her. Cobra Tate has described excellently how a good girlfriend is not something you magically stumble upon - it's something you build. Now of course there are personality differences between girls, and some girls are better than others, but understand that no matter the girl you get with you will have to "train" her if you want a good girlfriend. There are girls who are suitable blueprints and those who are less suited for LTR-material. How you behave, especially in the early phases of your relationship, makes all the difference as to how good your girlfriend and your relationship will be. You need to show her from the start that you don't tolerate sh1t.

One very specific tool you have in doing this is your attention. Cobra Tate has also explained the power of male attention, or rather the withdrawal of it. Withdrawing your attention from a girl is probably the most powerful thing you can do. If you argue with her, yell at her, call her names etc which I'm sure a lot of you have done when fighting with girlfriends or wives, you have already lost.

Now, of course you have to state, or somehow make known to your girlfriend when you do not approve of something she has done. But this should not turn into an argument. How you make it known to her best differs from situation to situation. Just remember that if you want to modify her behaviour she has to know when she has done something bad, or rather, that you are a man with options who doesn't tolerate sh1tty behaviour.

So what do I mean by this in practive? If your girlfriend behaves badly you should either tell her to go home (if she's at your place) or go home yourself (if you're at her place). The trick is not to seem emotionally distressed, as it probably won't work in that case. Rather, if she starts talking about an ex lover or says some guy is so hot or just gives you any type of bullsh1t, whatever it might be, just tell her "I have stuff I need to do you should go home now". Or something similar. She will probably be confused but she has to comply. Now, withdraw your attention from her. If you talk to her or see her daily; skip a day. If you do it weekly; skip a week. You get the point.

Now, the more difficult part is how you make your point. There are alternatives and I can't really give you a one size fits all solution because it depends on a ton of factors. One is to not talk or explain anything at all about it. Just withdraw your attention everytime she f*cks up and MAYBE she will begin to figure out, maybe just unconsioucly, that you don't tolerate bad behaviour. And hopefully stop with that behaviour (and respect you more for having boundaries!). Sometimes, and I say SOMETIMES only, there may be a point in explaining (without turning into arguing!) what upset you about her behaviour. For example, if it has anything to do with her advertising availability to other guys or what not, you could say simply something like "Thought you were more serious about this relationship but it seems you're not". And then withdraw your attention for some time. Again, a lot of times it is probably best not to explain anything as she will get the point anyway, but SOMETIMES it is good if you overtly point out what she did wrong. If you decide to explain, you should probably do it after you have talked to her again, not BEFORE you withdraw your attention because then she will know why and think that you are sulking/mad.

Over time as you state your boundaries and "punish" her bad behaviour she will modify her behaviour (if she really likes you) and in the end respect you a hell of a lot more for it. Or maybe she won't and then you can just next her and walk away with your dignity.

The problem when you move in too soon in a relationship is that you lose your ability to do this. You basically have to travel away or you have to break up/next her right away. You lose the ability to dissapear.

What most guys do, and what I've done myself unfortunately, is NOT withdrawing attention. Rather, when she behaves badly, guys either say nothing (building up rage inside) or start an argument that goes nowhere and just leaves her with less respect for you. Cause you argue and call her names and then you crawl down into the same bed and sulk on your side. She knows she's got you and that you won't ever dissapear no matter what she does to you.

Girls will always push a guy to see how much sh1t he can take. If you don't set boundaries, she will push you over completely eventually. Some girls are nicer and push softer/more slowly. But all girls do it and you need to maintain your tools to build your girlftriend the right way from the start. I have succesfully used this technique myself and when done right your girlfriend will be so more loving, respectful and sexually available to you afterwards than she was before. And hopefully she will stop doing whatever upset you.

So don't move in to fast because you lose one of your most valuable tools.
I like it overall. Taking your time is good but eventually like also Rollo has said you will reach your 300 hundredth bowl of oatmeal together.
Space is also needed in a LTR live together. Stay busy
 

EyeBRollin

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Thou should not live with with a woman not married to. NO EXCEPTIONS.

Cohabitation is a huge mistake. It kills the space / challenge aspect of the relationship. Aside from raising children under one roof, why would a man ever willingly agree to this?
 

RickTheToad

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To much trouble for little reward
Depends. If a dude wants a stable life and not chase tale forever, then there can be an argument for the arrangement. If, however, he doesn't, just play the field and live your life. Just remember, just because you can successfully play the field from your 20's - 50/60's, doesn't mean you will be able to do so forever. If you can find a lady that will do what was suggested above, then you should be fine. They are rare, 2% or so of the pop, but they are out there.

It's getting too risky for me with STDs and such, so I always keep it open for consideration.
 
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RickTheToad

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STDs? Are you raw dogging hookers or something? This should be least of a DJs worried.
Never been with a hooker in my life. Many STDs you can catch w/o a condom dude. I wouldn't be surprised if hookers give BJs w/o a condom. In addition, the champaign room at strip clubs often have an option to f uck the ladies w/o a condom. I declined, but others took up the option. One was given a gift at no charge after the transaction.
 

EyeBRollin

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Never been with a hooker in my life. Many STDs you can catch w/o a condom dude. I wouldn't be surprised if hookers give BJs w/o a condom. In addition, the champaign room at strip clubs often have an option to f uck the ladies w/o a condom. I declined, but others took up the option. One was given a gift at no charge after the transaction.
Condoms work. The odds of contracting STDs through protected vaginal sex are infinitesimal. DJ keeps one handy at all times.
 

EyeBRollin

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You are mistaken. Reported condom failure rate is 15%.
Incorrect. That figure assumes human error and a failure rate from couples self reporting to use condoms every act for of an entire year. The science is that pathogens and semen cannot penetrate the pores of the latex barrier unless said barrier is physically broken. Those who claim to get pregnant or contract despite condoms are either lying about consistency of use or are fvcking through broken condoms, which are far far more likely during anal sex due to inadequate lubrication.
 
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