Who should be contacting who more in a relationship?

[italostud]

Ok, so I've been dating this girl for about 2 1/2 months now. Things are going well. Only one thing is on my mind:

I seem to be contacting her more than she contacts me. I have to set up almost all of the get-togethers. Meaning, I always have to phone and set stuff up. We see eachother about 2 or 3 times a week now. Every time I call to set something up, she is free, so it's not like she's dodging me or anything. But if I don't call for 2 or 3 days, she doesn't call me. It's like she always wants me to initiate things.

Now for the first month, I did all the initiation of dates, and I didn't mind because hey, I'm the guy, I should be the one doing this stuff in the beginning. But after a while, shouldn't she be doing the same? I mean, I'd say I initiate 2 out of every 3 dates, meaning she does about 1/3 the work, maybe less.

I know some of you guys are thinking her IL isn't that high, but we have great sex and are getting very close. She is a shy girl, but has come out of her shell a lot, so I'd think she wouldn't have a problem initiating stuff.

I almost wonder if I should stop complaining because part of me thinks perhaps I have it good this way. Only call her up when I want to do stuff, but in the beginning few months I think it's natural to try to gauge someone's IL, and to me, her not calling as much as I call her is either a sign of low IL on her part, or just shyness.

What do you guys think?

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Sounds like you've picked a girl who wants you to do all the work. So what things did she initially do for fun that you enjoyed doing with her?

 

[joekerr31]

well i say enjoy it.

NOTHING and i mean NOTHING is more f*cking annoying than when a chic you are dating starts calling you all the time and messing with your life.

i would much rather be able to call her when i have the time or feel like doing something.

basic facts here are:

- you are bonding well
- shes giving you sex regularly
- she never avoids your calls
- she doesn't blow you off when you want to do something

conclusion:
everything is fine. you've got it made in the shade for the time being.

 

[STR8UP]

Yea, don't make an issue of something that isn't. Doesn't matter who is doing what as long as you are getting what you want out of the relationship.

 

[italostud]

Sounds like you've picked a girl who wants you to do all the work. So what things did she initially do for fun that you enjoyed doing with her?

We did lots of stuff. Lots of action dates. We enjoy the same things.

To the other posters: yeah maybe I have it good. Although part of me wishes that it wasn't so one-sided. Funny thing is though, the longer the relationship goes, I'm sure she will start being the one contacting me all the time. At least that's how my past relationships have gone.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

We did lots of stuff. Lots of action dates. We enjoy the same things. .

What did she do initially (what did she initiate) in the realationship for your entertainment?

 

[azanon]

well i say enjoy it.

NOTHING and i mean NOTHING is more f*cking annoying than when a chic you are dating starts calling you all the time and messing with your life.

i would much rather be able to call her when i have the time or feel like doing something.

basic facts here are:

- you are bonding well
- shes giving you sex regularly
- she never avoids your calls
- she doesn't blow you off when you want to do something

conclusion:
everything is fine. you've got it made in the shade for the time being.

fully agree! If i was getting sex when I want from some chick, and not bothered during the other times, man that'd be perfect! As a hubby, I have all those other duties too! :crazy:

 

[mzilla2]

If its going well don't sweat it, most chicks expect the dude to initiate, and, one of the worst things you can do is go all AFC and say "why don't you call me?"...

 

[Sinistar]

She probably likes having you lead bro

If it keeps bugging you more and more then you might be discovering that you ultimately need a woman with a bit more initiative. And look to Vulpine's advice (other posts) because it is possible to mold/shape the better ones (partly because they will be so into you to start with). Maybe it's time to very slowly, kindly and covertly condition her to initiating once in awhile. Reward her effort well (in this case simply setting up something) and she will definitely want to do it again to receive the same response.

italostud: "Hey babe it's your turn to take out the 'stud. How about something simple and low key." (try to downplay it, make it more fun than serious)
ShyHB: "Uh, okay I'm not sure what we should do?"
italostud: "Maybe there's a new restuarant you've heard of or something we did before that you really liked."
ShyHB: "Alright, I call you in a couple of days. You better let me know if I pick something stupid"
italostud: {C&F} "Oh, I will No worries it's just nice to have a day off"

...4 days later after going to cheesy restuarant she picked...

ShyHB: "oooh, ahhhh, moan, groan, italostud don't stop..."
ShyHB: {two O's later} "I had a good time!"
Italostud: "Me too babe, thanks for setting up dinner".
ShyHB: "Did you like it?"
Italostud: {C&F} "Heck no it was lame But I liked other things "

...anyways, something like (where she feels comfortable and good about it) and she'll do it again and more importantly she'll start feeling it's okay to initiate even if you don't prompt it first. That's what you want right?

 

[Dash Riprock]

I seem to be contacting her more than she contacts me. I have to set up almost all of the get-togethers. Meaning, I always have to phone and set stuff up. We see eachother about 2 or 3 times a week now. Every time I call to set something up, she is free, so it's not like she's dodging me or anything. But if I don't call for 2 or 3 days, she doesn't call me. It's like she always wants me to initiate things.

This is the way it SHOULD be at this point with her.

YOU are the LEADER, confident, and a take-charge guy
YOU call the shots
YOU make the plans
YOU initiate the calls--when you feel like it

Don't let her start calling the shots on when/where/why you should see her. Once in a while is fine like maybe she buys tickets to an event or something.

Otherwise, be a take-charge guy and take the lead.

 

[italostud]

The did she do initially (what did she initiate) in the realationship for your entertainment?

It's pretty much been like this from the beginning, so it's been pretty consistent.

And to all the other posters, Ok, I guess the consensus is that I have it good. Guess I'll just go with it then.

And Sinistar, your post made me lol.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

It's pretty much been like this from the beginning, so it's been pretty consistent. ...

So what's the problem? She's the same as she was from the beginning and you don't like it. It's easier when you sarge women who have qualities that you are looking for. I can't stand women who expect me to entertain them day after day so I don't sarge them.

 

[mrRuckus]

You should be the king sitting in the throne room and the woman comes in looking for attention so she performs for you like a jester.

 

[italostud]

Well I guess I'm doing something right. The other night while we were laying there on my bed, she told me that she loves me. She was super nervous before she said it too. Took her a while to muster up the courage.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Well I guess I'm doing something right. The other night while we were laying there on my bed, she told me that she loves me. She was super nervous before she said it too. Took her a while to muster up the courage.

So what did you tell her?

 

[italostud]

I said "You don't love me, you just love my doggy style."

Nah, I responded in kind.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

...Nah, I responded in kind.

Did you mean it or did you feel the obligation to answer that way, don't lie now... :nono:

 

[penkitten]

he felt obligated.

(evil music plays) duh duh duh......

 

[italostud]

No, I felt it. There are different levels of love. It's not like a "we've been together for 10 years and I love you" kind of love, but it's love.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

No, I felt it. There are different levels of love. It's not like a "we've been together for 10 years and I love you" kind of love, but it's love.

But is it love as she expects it? Sure, there's different kinds of love which creates a lot of the problems in a relationship. Each person's depiction of love is personally unique and s/he projects it as s/he would like like to receive it; not as how their partner expects it. With it's expectations being left unsaid it's difficult for couple to find that happy common ground, especially early in a relationship.