Don of Truth
Don Juan
I notice I get it alot. It sucks. Where does this originate in the head ? Why do we get oneitis ?
"She Wants a Man, Not a Boy"
You asked her if she wanted to grab coffee. Then you asked if the time worked. Then you asked if the place was okay. Then you asked if she'd prefer tea.
Four questions. Four chances for her to say no. Four signals that you're terrified of making a decision.
Plan it. Pick the place. Pick the time. Tell her where to meet you. She'll either show up or she won't.
Either way, you look like a man instead of a scared little boy.
Where Does Oneitis Come From ?
- Thread starter Don of Truth
- Start date
"She Made Her Decision Before You Finished Your Sentence"
Three seconds. That's how long it took. Your shoes. Your posture. The way you held your drink. Whether you looked at the floor or looked at her.
She already filed you away. Interesting. Boring. Safe. Bold. Before you even opened your mouth.
Everything you say after that is just her confirming what she already decided.
So stop rehearsing lines. Fix the first three seconds. Stand tall. Look up. Smile like you mean it. Walk like you belong wherever you're standing.
The words come later. The impression comes first.
If you ask me it's been manipulated into our brain by society. With romantic movies, stories about 'the one', 'the soulmate' etc.
It gets people obsessed with trying to find this perfect mate. More romantic people believe there is someone out there that is the one for us and everytime they meet someone that seems close enough, they want to hold on to them no matter what.
The opposite is found in people that break up with anyone that proves to 'not-be-perfect'. They will not compromise or deal with any 'imperfectness' in order to find their soulmate.
If you ask me: there is no such thing. There are hundreds if not thousands of women that you can be happy with. If you realize this, you will have less of a chance to catch oneitis, because you know the girl is not the perfect woman, she is not your soulmate and there will be other girls you can be happy with.
It gets people obsessed with trying to find this perfect mate. More romantic people believe there is someone out there that is the one for us and everytime they meet someone that seems close enough, they want to hold on to them no matter what.
The opposite is found in people that break up with anyone that proves to 'not-be-perfect'. They will not compromise or deal with any 'imperfectness' in order to find their soulmate.
If you ask me: there is no such thing. There are hundreds if not thousands of women that you can be happy with. If you realize this, you will have less of a chance to catch oneitis, because you know the girl is not the perfect woman, she is not your soulmate and there will be other girls you can be happy with.
I think it's really just infatuation, but one sided. Early on in a reciprocal relationship, both people feel that way.Originally posted by Don of Truth
I notice I get it alot. It sucks. Where does this originate in the head ? Why do we get oneitis ?
A very recent study showed that during the early infatuation stage, part of the brain that is related to addictive behavior (like drug addiction) is heavily active. That heavy activity subsides as the infatuation dies down (typically in a few months or so).
I bet the same thing is going on in the brain with oneitis. But who knows if the brain calms down with unrequited attraction.
"You'll Never Feel READY to Walk Over"
Next Monday you'll feel more confident. After the gym you'll feel more confident. After one more drink you'll feel more confident. After you get a better haircut, a better jacket, a better job.
You've been "getting ready" for two years.
She's standing ten feet away right now. She'll be gone in four minutes. No amount of preparation will manufacture the courage that only comes from moving your feet.
Walk over. Stumble through the first sentence. Let it be clumsy. Let it be imperfect. You will feel more alive in those ten seconds than you have all month.
Click here. That won't give you the actual scientific article, but it's a good synopsis.Originally posted by jason86
Interesting. Can you find a link to that study?
Don of Truth
Don Juan
Re: Re: Where Does Oneitis Come From ?
I remember the movie "Swingers" where that one dude just had the hardest time coping with his breakup.....I bet that actually goes on alot in real life.
That would explain things well. Because it FEELS like a drug. You have a high and when the girl is not around or you lose her....you get withdraw symtoms !!Originally posted by whistler
A very recent study showed that during the early infatuation stage, part of the brain that is related to addictive behavior (like drug addiction) is heavily active.
I remember the movie "Swingers" where that one dude just had the hardest time coping with his breakup.....I bet that actually goes on alot in real life.
Francisco d'Anconia
Master Don Juan
Re: Re: Re: Where Does Oneitis Come From ?
It only happens when you base your happiness on having her around. Be happy on your own and breakups will have a dramatically lesser effect.Originally posted by Don of Truth
That would explain things well. Because it FEELS like a drug. You have a high and when the girl is not around or you lose her....you get withdraw symtoms !!
I remember the movie "Swingers" where that one dude just had the hardest time coping with his breakup.....I bet that actually goes on alot in real life.
"She Wants a Man, Not a Boy"
You asked her if she wanted to grab coffee. Then you asked if the time worked. Then you asked if the place was okay. Then you asked if she'd prefer tea.
Four questions. Four chances for her to say no. Four signals that you're terrified of making a decision.
Plan it. Pick the place. Pick the time. Tell her where to meet you. She'll either show up or she won't.
Either way, you look like a man instead of a scared little boy.
aftershock
Master Don Juan
It's Gods way of saying that you're close to getting some.
Get some from somewhere else.
Get some from somewhere else.
suave4sure
Don Juan
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Very simple explantation
Think about a car that was the greatest car ever made in your opion and many other people. This car is perfect in your eyes. It has every single quality you "think" you want in a car. Even though there are other great cars on the market for you, you know "this" car is perfect for you.now think about the fact you could afford the car and so could many others but for the craziest reason the dealership would not sell it to you.
wouldn't you only want the car all the more just to be able to say you were the one who was able to get it.
Now compare it to your oneitis. You have a girl you want. You feel you have all the "supposed" qualities she wants. Many other guys want her too. However she won't get with any of you. There are plenty of other great girls around that would be happy to be with you. However in your mind they don't stack up to the "car"(girl) you want. None do. Even though many of the other cars are just as great if not more so.
But the fact that you weren't able to buy the one car(girl) makes you want it that much more. You think why can't I have it. I have everything required to get it, but I can't. Now you want it more than ever just to prove you can get it.
And this is where it turns into a deep psychological issue. You have everything the girl says she wants. You have a good connection with the girl. However the girl does not want you.
It turns into a self-competitive manner in which you want to prove to yourself you can obtain something you orginally not. Psychologicaly you feel you are good enough so your are unable to understand the rejection. Therefore you try harder than the previous attempt to get the girl. However it turns her off more.
In turn you become more infatuated with the idea of why you cant get the girl (since you have everything she could want) instead of the girl herself. If you feel infatuated with a girl you cant have at least 50 percent of the attraction is the fact you can't have her. People always want what they cannot have.
Sorry for taking so long on that one but your question demands a thourough description to completely explain.
Think about a car that was the greatest car ever made in your opion and many other people. This car is perfect in your eyes. It has every single quality you "think" you want in a car. Even though there are other great cars on the market for you, you know "this" car is perfect for you.now think about the fact you could afford the car and so could many others but for the craziest reason the dealership would not sell it to you.
wouldn't you only want the car all the more just to be able to say you were the one who was able to get it.
Now compare it to your oneitis. You have a girl you want. You feel you have all the "supposed" qualities she wants. Many other guys want her too. However she won't get with any of you. There are plenty of other great girls around that would be happy to be with you. However in your mind they don't stack up to the "car"(girl) you want. None do. Even though many of the other cars are just as great if not more so.
But the fact that you weren't able to buy the one car(girl) makes you want it that much more. You think why can't I have it. I have everything required to get it, but I can't. Now you want it more than ever just to prove you can get it.
And this is where it turns into a deep psychological issue. You have everything the girl says she wants. You have a good connection with the girl. However the girl does not want you.
It turns into a self-competitive manner in which you want to prove to yourself you can obtain something you orginally not. Psychologicaly you feel you are good enough so your are unable to understand the rejection. Therefore you try harder than the previous attempt to get the girl. However it turns her off more.
In turn you become more infatuated with the idea of why you cant get the girl (since you have everything she could want) instead of the girl herself. If you feel infatuated with a girl you cant have at least 50 percent of the attraction is the fact you can't have her. People always want what they cannot have.
Sorry for taking so long on that one but your question demands a thourough description to completely explain.
Bonhomme
Master Don Juan
For men, scarcity mentality, above all
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Hound_of_Love
Don Juan
- Joined
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There is an element of your own self-worth involved. The girl who says 'no' to you is effectively saying 'you're not good enough for me'. In cases of oneitis you see the only way of validating yourself in making her see that you are good enough by getting her.
The way to break that cycle is to realise that she can't possibly know that you aren't good enough for her, that you are good enough for her and that once you leave her in a cloud of dust she'll realise that she made a big mistake in saying 'no' (whether she ever chases you or not).
n.b. It is my belief that this also explains why if you chase a girl for ages as she says 'no' and then she eventually says 'yes', you will quickly lose interest in her (normally after having your wicked way with her) because it ceased to be her you were chasing a long time ago and became yourself (your self-esteem) that you were really chasing.
The way to break that cycle is to realise that she can't possibly know that you aren't good enough for her, that you are good enough for her and that once you leave her in a cloud of dust she'll realise that she made a big mistake in saying 'no' (whether she ever chases you or not).
n.b. It is my belief that this also explains why if you chase a girl for ages as she says 'no' and then she eventually says 'yes', you will quickly lose interest in her (normally after having your wicked way with her) because it ceased to be her you were chasing a long time ago and became yourself (your self-esteem) that you were really chasing.