When should you burn your bridges?

[Plutoman]

General question, as I've gotten to thinking about it a bit lately. I've burnt a lot of bridges in the past, cut people off from my life. I had reasons for it generally, but it's also tended to leave me with a small social circle. I've only got my closest friends in there, the ones that I can rely on, but the situation still stands. I generally find myself hesitant to build strong bonds with people (I think I've dealt with too many people with disorders to do that easily..), and it makes it significantly easier to drop contact.

Just yesterday I cut contact, deleted the number, etc, of a girl that I had gotten over-invested in as she wasn't willing to let go of her attachment to another guy (might call out low-interest here, but her body language says otherwise). I don't know if that was the right decision, and I'm tempted to try and recover and just go for casual friendship - I'm not sure if I should burn the bridge here or not. My gut's telling me that if I don't burn it, I'll likely remain over-invested (even with other options, this girl stands out quite a bit, in looks, personality, and intelligence..).

What kind of criteria is involved in determining this? When should you burn it? Is it worthwhile to burn a bridge, even when you enjoy their company?

The standard advice is to not burn bridges; but I find situations more often than not call for it in my own life. I'm curious to hear some thoughts on the subject.

 

[Brosy]

First of all, culling is good and a small circle is usually a genuine one.

IMO Once you have craved for something more with a girl, you'll NEVER be able to genuinely have a casual relationship with her. Remove yourself from the equation without literally burning the bridge, one day in the future you might cross paths again and her situation may have changed in your benefit, in the mean-time theres a sh!t load of other women out there!

Re reading your post, you've kind of answered your own question tbh and I've just repeated it.

 

[The Gambler]

Just yesterday I cut contact, deleted the number, etc, of a girl that I had gotten over-invested in as she wasn't willing to let go of her attachment to another guy (might call out low-interest here, but her body language says otherwise). I don't know if that was the right decision, and I'm tempted to try and recover and just go for casual friendship - I'm not sure if I should burn the bridge here or not.

In other words, you went NO CONTACT... That's not necessarily burning a bridge. It gives you the chance to get over her and move on to other things, while also allowing her to sort out her true feelings for you (and him). Keep doing this! I can almost GUARANTEE she'll try to contact you, and probably sooner than later. Just remember, if you respond back to her tonight, or this week, not enough time has passed yet for her to really sort out how she feels about you.

The Gambler

 

[NewAndImproved]

Good question. I generally burn a lot of bridges, too. My natural friends, on the other hand, seem to keep up contact with all of their exes. They might not talk a lot with them, but every once in a while.

I don't have time to write a longer post but for now I'll say I think there's a correlation between how much experience you have with women and what terms you end on with them. Naturals know that women can always come around again.

The better I've gotten with women, the better terms I've been on with them even when things go south.

That said, there are times when you should just not hesitate to go ghost!

 

[Plutoman]

In other words, you went NO CONTACT... That's not necessarily burning a bridge. It gives you the chance to get over her and move on to other things, while also allowing her to sort out her true feelings for you (and him). Keep doing this! I can almost GUARANTEE she'll try to contact you, and probably sooner than later. Just remember, if you respond back to her tonight, or this week, not enough time has passed yet for her to really sort out how she feels about you.

The Gambler

Interesting distinction - I've tended to think of it from the terms of my contact to her. I've not thought about it from the terms of her contact towards me. There is a correlation with experience - I won't pretend to know completely what I'm doing here at all times.

In this situation, it's the second time she's pulled back - I gave her a second chance there, cut my contact now. It'd be a simpler prospect if I wasn't in three classes with her; only 5-6 classes left in the semester total, luckily. I'll give her a smile and move on for now. Last thing I told her was that I've had a great time with her, happy holidays, and good luck in life. Not bad, but I'm just not going to contact her. If she got her stuff together, though, she'd be solid LTR material.

Still, the fact remains that it's not just this situation - I've burned quite a few bridges, and pissed off a few people, ignored contact from others. I'm curious as to the types of situations that warrant this, versus the types of situations in which contact is good. Don't get me wrong - I'm not looking for specific advice here (but I don't mind it, either), as I'd rather see some more general information, examples, that I can apply and understand across the rest of my life.

Obviously, my major ex - BPD-type girl - I'm steadily working towards limited contact. I'm hesitant to go full NC, as I seriously don't want a suicide happening (and it could) - but limited contact is a good thing in this.

NewAndImproved - I'd love to hear some more on it. That's interesting. I don't have any naturals as friends - my friends are genuine, but none of them are good with women by any means. I can see a correlation there that could apply.

 

[VladPatton]

Girls-wise, if I feel she's not interested I delete her number. It bugs me to have it in my phone for some reason. If I see her socially, that's fine, I don't care anymore. Friend-wise, my circle is very small and Brosy is right, it is genuine, so I don't mind it.

What is important is is to make the distinction between friends and acquaintances. I always found the latter to be a lot more disposable.