When She Goes Cold (but you did everything right)

[bigneil]

If you're doing everything right, this would be a non-issue. Often, somone better comes along and does better than you.

Wow - did judge nismo just contradict himself?

 

[wifehunter]

I'm really tired of the loser mentality of these imbittered "don juans" here. Their advice is simple: she is not that interested. That was the point of this thread.

Not ONE person has provided ONE shred of help with how to MAINTAIN a relationship. (Have they ever?) Their philosophy is: if she doesn't act like a woman with EXTREMELY high interest - ALWAYS - then it is over - FOREVER. Hence, most of you don't score as much as I do.

I agree, they never give a girl space to fall in love. Does that work in bed too? If she's not immediately ready to fuk, next her???

 

[Roober]

I'm really tired of the loser mentality of these imbittered "don juans" here. Their advice is simple: she is not that interested. That was the point of this thread.

Not ONE person has provided ONE shred of help with how to MAINTAIN a relationship. (Have they ever?) Their philosophy is: if she doesn't act like a woman with EXTREMELY high interest - ALWAYS - then it is over - FOREVER. Hence, most of you don't score as much as I do.

A good majority of men on here aren't looking for LTRs. How to maintain it? Be the same person you were when you started dating. If you were fun, stay fun. If you did salsa, keep doing salsa. If you were in good shape, keep doing those things. You catch the drift. The distance will have to soften if you want to get serious with a woman. She will want to see you more frequently, she will want to talk to you more. Eventually, she will want exclusivity...

When you do, don't change...

 

[bigneil]

She came back to me just hours after I saw her again.

Beware out of sight, out of mind phenomenon. Thanks to those who didn't say I should abandon ship.

 

[Denny19]

She came back to me just hours after I saw her again.

Beware out of sight, out of mind phenomenon. Thanks to those who didn't say I should abandon ship.

I would only abandon ship if you see a pattern of flakiness etc

Its the guys job to initiate dates, if shes interested she should acceptt or if she couldnt make it she will offer a reschedule.

Im not sure what she did in your case, but for me, i initiated dates, she accepted, then flaked, then she reoffered date, then flaked again. Bottom line is, mixed signals are just as bad.

I did not leave on bad terms with her, i didnt call her out on anything, i just walked away.

Never make time for somebody who doesnt make time for you. Its about self resepect. Never let anybody disresepct you or your time.

You dont "next" woman at the first bump, look for patterns and trust your gut.

 

[bigneil]

Thanks to those who didn't insist I panic.

Funny how people preach the importance of confidence and a positive attitude, until bigneil has an issue, and then everyone pushes worst case scenario (let alone for a true beauty 25 years my junior who I've already seduced in historic fashion).

 

[Tenacity]

Have you ever had a girl you had several dates with, had sex with (not in a commitment) and you did everything perfectly and you had her totally in love with you, and then, seemingly at random, she vanished or went cold?

Yes and also there's no such thing as doing everything "perfectly" right or wrong with a woman. There's no such measuring stick.

Some women just honestly want you for a short period of time, it might be a ONS or a short term fling where you do some dating/fvcking. Then there's some women who are looking for something more long term.

 

[bigneil]

Looking back at my last 7 notable relationships:

1) 10/2008 - 1/2009 (owned her), 2/2009 (got dumped and handled it wrong), 5/2009 - 10/2010 (owned her and was bored). She was older than me and is now over 50. At my disposal.

2) 11/2010 - 1/2011 (almost got her, had sex) 1/2011 (got dumped and handled it WAY wrong). 2/2011 - 4/2011 (she returned but I had ruined her attraction). Now a single mom writing to me every day on FB. At my disposal.

3) 7/2011 (One night stand with girl), 7/2011 (she cancelled our 2nd date and went back to husband), 8/2011- 11/2011 (she texted one night, then I owned her and had to dump her and she begged me not to). At my disposal.

4) 10/2011 - 12/2011 (lukewarm texting, then fantastic sex), 1/2012 - 4/2012 (owned her), 4/2012 (got dumped in historic fashion). 8/2012 - 6/2014 (had her at my disposal but she had gained weight). She got married and I didn't care.

5) 5/2014 - 6/2014 (love at first sight romance), 6/2014-8/2014 (avoided her and didn't call her), 8/2014 - 12/2014 (owned her), 1/2015 - 7/2015 (didn't see her, LDR), 7/2015 - 11/2015 (owned her) 11/2015 - relationship ended mutually. She reached out on FB yesterday. Age 21 and possibly at my disposal.

6) 12/2015 - 1/2015 (owned her), 2/2015 (she went MIA), 2/2015 - 3/2015 (she came back but I was no longer attracted and ended it). Now lives out of state and single mom.

7) 8/2016 - 12/2016 (owned her), 12/2016 (first resistance met yesterday). Move on?

8) Got her back late December (owned her). She went away January and we missed each other. Super Bowl she was the first to say "I love you". February - present, total bliss. Best romance of my life so far.

 

[resilient]

It's high value + perfect chemistry that creates the magical feeling of romance. And if the new guy was able to create a more "magical" feeling than you, she would potentially leave you in a heart beat. If your chick went cold, this is probably what happened.

That's the cold reality in the nature of game of a woman with options (in real life, OLD, social media outlets), hypergamy if you will. If texting/calling drops off, flirting, affection, hooking up, distancing, withdrawing, hot/cold inconsistent behavior -- all of it can be chalked up to low-mid interest level.

The ego doesn't want to accept the fact that a bigger better deal came around with higher SMV. A new charming catch entered her picture or came back from the blue and runs solid game on her. I've found that is often the case. It takes just 1-3 dates for her to get to the hook up and know if she wants to proceed more with the guy in question than you.

I do the once a week date (twice tops if for good reason or a sleep over) that is often suggested here. However, if you think about it... that's 6 other days of that week that she has to accept a date from another guy. She can cram in even more if she plans lunch, coffee (hour), ice cream dates. If interest level is revving high and well, she should naturally desire to see to you more or move in to each others place if the LTR is transitioning out of casual dating. Flaking and all that behavior mentioned above is troubling sign that she's soft nexting you for the replacement.

 

[bigneil]

I would disagree with this. Love = romance + congruency. If you are the new guy and your relationship with her feels congruent (chemistry, connection, etc), you can steal her right away. This is high level stuff but it is true in my experience. The need for "time" just means she doesn't feel you 100% yet.

I have never "built" a relationship with a woman through time. There was perfect chemistry from the very beginning and I simply capitalized on it. And eventually that perfect chemistry fades.

A newer/better looking or higher status guy can come in and take your place providing the chemistry she has with him feels "right."

Time is not a factor in relationships. Only emotional states that create the illusion of deep rapport and connection (Vegas marriages, anyone?). Have you ever met someone and felt you've known them your whole life? In the same way, maybe you have known someone your entire life but never felt like you knew them. In both of those situations, the time theory falls flat.

It's high value + perfect chemistry that creates the magical feeling of romance. And if the new guy was able to create a more "magical" feeling than you, she would potentially leave you in a heart beat. If your chick went cold, this is probably what happened.

I agree you can't build chemistry, but it sounds like you are confusing early chemistry with long term bonding. Love at first sight rarely lasts because people get disillusioned.

My current relationship had early chemistry and love at first sight, then some friction, then a level of connection I never experienced. She loves me way more now because she knows me. It's evident in the photos, from her smile, that the bond is stronger now.

It takes 3 months for a girl to fall in love. She produces Oxytocin during this time (bonding/cuddle chemical).

Another man can seduce her and maybe bed her, but it won't overshadow several months of deep emotional connection. Women fall out of love slowly also.

Women are like a pot of water on the stove, slow to boil, slow to cool. Men are like an aluminum frying pan - instantly hot and quickly cool.

 

[bigneil]

That's the cold reality in the nature of game of a woman with options (in real life, OLD, social media outlets), hypergamy if you will. If texting/calling drops off, flirting, affection, hooking up, distancing, withdrawing, hot/cold inconsistent behavior -- all of it can be chalked up to low-mid interest level.

The ego doesn't want to accept the fact that a bigger better deal came around with higher SMV. A new charming catch entered her picture or came back from the blue and runs solid game on her. I've found that is often the case. It takes just 1-3 dates for her to get to the hook up and know if she wants to proceed more with the guy in question than you.

I do the once a week date (twice tops if for good reason or a sleep over) that is often suggested here. However, if you think about it... that's 6 other days of that week that she has to accept a date from another guy. She can cram in even more if she plans lunch, coffee (hour), ice cream dates. If interest level is revving high and well, she should naturally desire to see to you more or move in to each others place if the LTR is transitioning out of casual dating. Flaking and all that behavior mentioned above is troubling sign that she's soft nexting you for the replacement.

If she finds better she will take it, by definition of better. You need to ultimately be her best option. She might explore other options and come back to realizing you are the best. Getting a woman to fall in love is like getting a beer drinker to love wine. It takes time.

 

[bigneil]

I see, so if you assume you are the best guy who ever lived, you have a point. In reality, there are other guys as good as you, and if a guy as good as you gets her to fall in love, a guy as good as you can't steal her overnight.

After you steal them, are you saying you can't get any further ever?

Hypergamy. A woman's love life is like a vacuum.

Hypergamy means she found someone better than herself, not better than you.

Note that I posted this in mid December. The girl came back by Christmas and we made mad, passionate love. I've been with her since. She texted me today.

Expect girls to ebb and flow in the first 3 months. Don't next them because they aren't perfect.

 

[bigneil]

Good post, but again, I feel you are confusing early chemistry with deep emotional bonding.

A woman cannot have a deep emotional bond with more than one man at the same time - she will gravitate to her favorite over time. If a chicken lays an egg on the roof of a house, it's going to roll left or right, it's not going to perch at the apex.

I've had several women who I loved having sex with at the same time, but currently I have 5 girls texting me and one has utterly and totally annihilated all four of the others (ask them). A woman is defeated by another woman forever when you choose the other woman. You can't go back and say "Well it didn't work with first choice but what are you doing later?"

There is a Three's Company scene when Jack has 2 dates show up at the same time and one completely tells him off and storms off and he is left alone with the other one and says "Boy am I glad to see you!"

(you need to start it at 13m 30s - WHY WON'T SS LET US FORMAT URLS? by appending #t=13m30s

 

[bigneil]

The mistake most guys make is thinking just because a woman cheats on you, that she is no longer in love with you.

I wholly agree with about half of what da dynamically is saying.

A woman will flit about over several lovers and then decide she likes one the best. Don't disqualify her for realizing she made a mistake and that she liked you better after all. This process often makes them like you more! She might have assumed every other guy was just as good in bed, and then has bad sex and thinks "wow, I miss him".

A stripper whose opinion I value told me that working in the club makes her personal relationships stronger, not weaker, because 99% of who they see are gamma males. Dating a stripper is actually very stable because she chose you over 1000 guys already. She needs to meet another 1000 to match you, on average. It's like tempered glass is resistant to heat and cold. It won't shatter under stress.

Men shouldn't expect monogamy really at all, only if the woman asks for it and really only when she is going to have your children. However, this harem lifestyle is fine only if you don't want children. It's when she becomes pregnant that you suddenly wonder where she was every minute for the past 2 months.

A woman's love for a man is like a weighted average. Early on, each vote has a huge impact on the average. Over time, the average stabilizes and one vote here and there won't impact it. Think of your car's gas consumption meter. Reset it and you will see it from 6mpg idle to 49 gliding down the road. But the weighted average settles around 21.2. Years later, nothing you do will change that score because it's been thousands of miles. Stealing a woman is like putting a new engine in the car that gets better gas mileage. The car's computer will still have the old average so it will slowly change over time. If the old average had 1000 miles at 21mpg, and the new engine gets 31mpg, it takes 1000 miles before the average is 26.

 

[bigneil]

Probably the thing that makes cheating possible and rampant is the fact that most people in relationships don't even have a deep emotional bond. Most relationships are based on "romantic spark" and then ends when that spark is gone. The other type is a "trading" relationship where two people almost have an exchange. Sex for validation, validation for validation, sex for resources, etc.

I would argue that "most" relationships are based on two people pretending to be other people just to impress one another. Then as soon as each party starts to become themselves, the other person feel as if their partner "changed." But in reality, it's the first time both have been themselves.

My argument is not "deep emptional bonds" don't exist. It's more like it might exist in 1 in every 6-7 relationships. And perhaps you are in one and projecting from that point of you and it clouds you from seeing the reality of MOST romantic relationships.

BTW I have been in a lot of relationships with women based on this "early chemistry," if you want to call it that. But I have rarely experienced a deep emotional bond that comes out of nowhere no matter how long I have been with a woman. Maybe twice in my entire life. And the first time, it happened in high school!

Another thing to note is, one of my tenets of game is that any woman worth having is already in a relationship. Where do you think I got that from? From real life. The fact that almost all of my relationships happened when the woman was already attached. I didn't steal her away. It's more like the restriction her partner puts on her pushes her towards me. I have been the "replacement guy" over a dozen times. It's not that difficult to break some "emotional bond" and be the new guy most of the time.

I'd say more like 1 in 16. And yes, you can't bypass chemistry. Deep emotional bonds come out of early chemistry combined with early oxytocin (pair bonding) combined with good fortune (you must like the same foods, drugs, restaurants, movies and music, etc). It's sort of a phenomenon. Most of the time love at first sight becomes breakup at first argument. When you hold the right person it feels like two magnets clicking together versus just holding two washers together.

 

[bigneil]

"Any woman worth having is already in a relationship"
- da dynamically

Exactly.

Likewise, we don't meet our dream girl in a vacuum. We have 5 beauties show up at once and they all like us and we have to pick one (da gets all 5).