When parenting replaces a life of our own

[jhonny9546]

At some time of their life people don’t live their own lives, they live through their children.

They idealize them, hoping they’ll become famous athletes, singers, or something extraordinary. In doing so, they sacrifice themselves and pour all their energy into their kids’ lives, without realizing they’ve stopped living their own.

Sending children to sports or activities often fills a deeper void. It gives parents purpose, helps them feel useful, and becomes a way to fight loneliness (they connect with other parents in the same situation).
It's not just about the child anymore; it becomes a social and emotional outlet.

There are exceptions, parents who maintain their own identity while supporting their children, but they’re less visible in these settings.

It often seems people have children just to finally feel like they have something to live for, especially when life before felt meaningless or empty. This isn’t a judgment, just an observation. Many stay in unhappy or toxic relationships, you can see them staying togheter but they're actually "single in a relationship", just to keep chasing this dream through their kids, while their own life quietly slips away.

Has this happened to you? Have you changed your approach to life and parenting? Whether you're divorced, single, or in a dysfunctional relationship, this is something worth talking about, together.

 

[The Duke]

I see many parents that spend a lot of time hauling their kids around to sporting events and practices. Some spend a lot of money for fees associated with belonging to premium clubs/organinizations that organize baseball, hockey, soccer, cheer, etc. Many are on traveling teams that go to different cities for long weekend tournaments.

It wasn't always this way. I think parents are caught up with keeping up with the other parents. They all think their kid might have a chance at college/professional athletics which is so far from the truth.

Its unreal what it takes to get a kid that plays high school football and wants to play in college even at a lower level school. They are now represented by agents whom the parents pay a fee to. They travel to many scrimmage/practices/combines so they can be observed by scouts and get rated within the system. Every thing they do is videoed and analyzed.

It consumes all the free/personal time a parent might have. Not how I would do it, and I don't have kids. Glad I grew up in a time when a kid could still be a kid. Life wasn't so serious.

 

[BaronOfHair]

Have you changed your approach to life and parenting?

Absoultely!!! Witnessing the miserable lives led by most folks with offspring rid me of any misgivings or remorse I might have otherwise experienced, after footing the bill for a f-ck buddy's abortions

 

[plumber]

this is a deep and real topic. it might be outside the scope of this forum, but still in view.

the family unit was the first assembly, with father as leader. if father can and does lead the model is really healthy for all involved. if not, then it ends up like you are telling in the OP. all the responsibility is in one person. nothing easy about it.

kids can become the moral excuses to do what the person wants to do.

huge number of men have low confidence and therefore need an excuse to interact.

huge number of women are connected to men of low confidence. this gives them an excuse to interact with other men.

the number that actually care about the inner spirit of the kids is small.



what you describe probably occurs > 50% of the time.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

At the end of the day your goal as a parent is for your kids to live better lives than you did and you work hard to ensure that happens.

Perhaps it is hard to understand if you don't actually have kids.

Without any hesitation at all I would die to save my children's life. No question. Jump in front of bus, dive in front a bullet, stand and fight in a confrontation so they could run to safety...I mean obviously, I hope it never comes to that, but if it does it's not going to be a choice it will just be a reaction.

It's hard to relate to because there isn't really an equivalency unless you have kids, so trying to understand the motives and reason why parents do certain things isn't going to make sense to people without kids.

 

[justaroundthecorner]

At the end of the day your goal as a parent is for your kids to live better lives than you did and you work hard to ensure that happens.

Perhaps it is hard to understand if you don't actually have kids.

This.

I never liked children (and I still do not like children) - with exception to my daughter (because she is mine) and my best friend kids.

Neverthless, once you have a child, from the maintenance perspective you treat child like very important project - because you want the child to be successful in life.

Besides, having child is actually more important than your current job unless you are very successful physicist or doctor i.e. child equals sea of opportunities of having positive impact on society in the future that you may not have.

Children initially lower your quality of life (especially in infant and toddler stage) but give a boost to your quality of life once you are older and you assess your achievements as well as valuable relationships, thanks to them you understand better the concept of love and they affect the way you think about life (for example I am less concerned about my own death since I have a child).

However, I think that childless person will never fully comprehend what person that have child thinks or feels because it requires willing sacrifice that changes you as a person - it is sacrifice of your free time, your way of life, your personal freedom to some extent while people that did not want kids and never had any were never ready for that and are generally much more egoistic, also often high on egotism - therefore it's pointless to try to understand it - years ago I thought about my male friends that had children around their 30's that they have lost something and perceived having child only as annoying burden - now I see a value in it, I just wasn't ready to have any before because I have not met an appropriate woman until I met my wife.

Some guys are never ready to have children - and that's ok, in such a case they should never have any because otherwise it's only fuelling pandemic of single mothers and children with broken childhood.

 

[The Duke]

I think the question here is in regards to the balance of life. Doing too much for your child and being too involved with your child creates young adults that can't survive on their own. Just look at the current world, we have plenty of that.

We have parents that call up their young adults former place of employment because they are upset their 20yo got fired. We have young adults living with their parents. We have young adults that struggle with social skills. We have young adults that are too afraid to drive a car. We have young adults that borrowed too much government money for their school loans and are mad they have to pay it off and can't afford to. I started mowing loans by myself when I was 12yo. Thats unheard of these days.

These types come from parents that were over involved and produced needy and dependent individuals with poor work ethic who can't make it on their own. I hear employers complain about it non-stop. They get tired of the hand-holding that is required.

 

[jhonny9546]

It explains very well why parents immerse themselves in their children's activities, or even why grandparents "restart their lives," completely absorbed in the lives of their grandchildren.

But it seems to me that these people, before the birth of their children, were simply "vagrants" in life, and that the child gave them the motivation to live and commit.
Relationships ended, which were reborn with the birth of a child, and the shared plans for him.

 

[Murk]

My daughter is only 5 months old and I already have delusions of grandeur for her. I'm already sending her and mother to swimming lessons, baby massage, countless sensory classes, I'm also maintaining my own life, my business, and my goals. She's a great addition, taught me true selfless love, but she's not my end goal, ultimately I'm selfish enough to still need my happiness to come first. I'm far from out of the game. She spurs me on to be better if anything, but shes a baby and daddy still needs to live and thrive. I fully understand people have kids and cash out of life, mother f*cker I have 30 years in me to live before I play a relaxed chilled role.

 

[ValiantMale]

Never rush through life. Seen so many people do it. I'm glad I'm taking the long road and enjoying every pit stop on the way.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

My daughter is only 5 months old and I already have delusions of grandeur for her. I'm already sending her and mother to swimming lessons, baby massage, countless sensory classes, I'm also maintaining my own life, my business, and my goals. She's a great addition, taught me true selfless love, but she's not my end goal, ultimately I'm selfish enough to still need my happiness to come first. I'm far from out of the game. She spurs me on to be better if anything, but shes a baby and daddy still needs to live and thrive. I fully understand people have kids and cash out of life, mother f*cker I have 30 years in me to live before I play a relaxed chilled role.

Get back to me in 5 years.

 

[BeExcellent]

Advice from the old lady:

If you do not have children, you simply cannot understand. The attitude conveyed in the title of this thread is negative. Children require great sacrifice, that is true. They are helpless for years, they are expensive, and they take precedent because children are a COMMITMENT.

They are also your legacy, your family lineage continuing, your contribution to your genetic immortality in a way. You will die but something of you persists in the world.

I believe similarly as @BackInTheGame78 about my children. I brought them into this world. It is my job to protect them and raise them through age 10-12 or so, and then the job shifts during the teen years to preparing them for adult life while still guiding them & teaching them solid decision making & life skills. It requires transparency, honesty, room to fail, room to excel, and as they mature a wise parent trains & prepares the young person and then gets out of the way.

Helicopter parents do not prepare young people very well. Your kids need to understand that as far as the world is concerned they are not a special snowflake.

You love your children in a deep & sacrificial way, and you must prepare them for life ahead; for life without you. Doing this carries profound meaning and profound reward.

I personally always wanted children. It is something I take very seriously, although part of raising children well is for them to observe that the parent has his or her own individual life. They learn how to be in a relationship and how to have work ethic and how to have character by observing the parent. It is a huge responsibility and not to be taken lightly.

And this is more important for the father. Why? Because the father must lead the family and the mother may make childrearing and wife/motherhood her primary role.

 

[Glassguy]

I see many parents that spend a lot of time hauling their kids around to sporting events and practices. Some spend a lot of money for fees associated with belonging to premium clubs/organinizations that organize baseball, hockey, soccer, cheer, etc. Many are on traveling teams that go to different cities for long weekend tournaments.

It wasn't always this way. I think parents are caught up with keeping up with the other parents. They all think their kid might have a chance at college/professional athletics which is so far from the truth.

Its unreal what it takes to get a kid that plays high school football and wants to play in college even at a lower level school. They are now represented by agents whom the parents pay a fee to. They travel to many scrimmage/practices/combines so they can be observed by scouts and get rated within the system. Every thing they do is videoed and analyzed.

It consumes all the free/personal time a parent might have. Not how I would do it, and I don't have kids. Glad I grew up in a time when a kid could still be a kid. Life wasn't so serious.

I agree to an extent. I'll explain.....
I played baseball in college. Travel ball outside of American Legion ball wasnt an option. It was Little League (which has been crushed by AAU, etc). I played football, baseball, basketball and raced motocross from 5 yrs old and beyond through college.
So only playing localized sports was (then) effective enough to perform and get a college scholarship.
And what I remember most are the times spent with my parents (who are now both gone) and friends. At the time they had me competing at the highest level possible in sports. Which wasnt much since travel ball hadn't really come around yet....
Fast forward to my daughter who is now 22 yrs old. She played 5 years of national travel volleyball. It was expensive.....way more than just playing for her school. So I made a deal with her. As long as she had the passion to not only play at a high level but also practice at that high level, we would give it a go. And she did. For 5 years. She got numerous volleyball scholarships.
But to this day its hard for me to remember a specific thing she did on the court. But I remember soooo many great times we had traveling around the country together, 3-4 day national travel tournaments, etc. It was awesome. And she remembers that too.
The memories are priceless. I wouldn't change it if given the opportunity.
Now I totally get these parents who think their 7 yr old is going to play pro sports. And believe me, there are parents out there that REALLY believe that. Its humorous since I know first hand how dedicated it takes to play a sport in college.
It can be a money pit. Parents do live through their kids, especially ones that sucked in sports themselves.
But its their money and I think if they do it for the right reasons (and have the financial means to do it), good for them.
The biggest thing about travel ball, especially at the top levels, is that college coaches primarily recruit at them and them alone. They don't have time to go to one high school to watch one player when they can go to a 3 day travel tournament and watch 10 kids play a lot of ball. And spend some time with them to see if they are a good fit for each other.
So I get it. But to see some of these parents live paycheck to paycheck in order to relive their childhood through their kids is ridiculous.

 

[Glassguy]

I will also add that I got full custody of my daughter when she was 6. Life changes and changes fast. We give up a lot for our kids and make sure they are given the opportunities and tools to succeed later in life.
I have zero compassion for dead beat parents.

 

[BaronOfHair]

Children require great great sacrifice, that is true

Especially on those occasions where muti is required https://web.archive.org/web/2005021...m/news/2005/02/0210_020510_tv_witchcraft.html Even via The Dark Web, acquiring 'dem calabar beans(paralysis isn't going to induce itself)is tantamount to hunting around for MAGA gear in Brooklyn


"...then the job shifts during the teen years to preparing them for adult life while still guiding them & teaching them solid decision making & life skills"

Yeah, there's a strong argument to be made that the creation of this adolescence concept during the early 20th Century https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/199501/the-invention-of-adolescence was a misfire that Western Civilization has never quite recovered from. End result has been that childhood, for entirely too many of us, drags out for 3 decades and counting

 

[justaroundthecorner]

It is obvious that parenting takes a lot of time but definitely does not make you dissapear as independent entity. It depends how you handle your life and duties, additional responsibility often makes you much more efficient because you feel you need to be more efficient for sake of your family.

Parenting is also obvious joice that makes life OBJECTIVELY meaningful and there's TON of difference between objectively and subjectively meaningful life.

You see, life of a single person (whether male or female) is by definition only SUBJECTIVELY meaningful - to make it objectively meaningful you need to put some input into society or science through hard work - so if you are not successful scientist , job provider or doing serious community or social related service/job for sake of a society, you are in fact leeching on society to some degree and your meaning may not matter for society aside of taxes you put into the general bracket.

This is not an judgement, just a fact.

Life is by definition not to be wasted on meaningless trips around the world, endless pick up, endless plate spinning, endless "looking for the ideal soulmate", looking for more and more opportunities to consume and to gather for purpose of consumption, for fun only - what you have received from fate, God, or chance (whatever flies your boat) are both opportunities and responsibilities and most of the people choose responsobilities that are meaningful to them, which are also children.

Presenting it as "People put all into the children and slowly dissappear as a person by definition" is a bit socially retarded tbh.

You gain a lot in return, but it's a choice and ability to understand what you receive in return. It helps you mature as a person.

Childless life is often Peter's Pan fantasy - 30, 40 years of such life and suddenly there's no one around to be interested in your sorry ass - that's the truth vs Netflix or Disney fairy tale about friends covering your back forever (yeah, sure...) - I have seen one "single - forevah" person living "happy single life" sent this year to nursing home & distant family of that person clearly interested only in that person money, hoping death will come ASAP to execute money grab for inheritance.

I have personally known older guy that died this year, he was slowly dying due to cancer since some time but he DGAF - he had 4 children and was working until the last month of his life to build a house for his daughter. Respect to guys like him I say, he seemed to be fulfilled when I last time spoko with him.

Do not fall into the trap of "consumerism of life" and don't live for yourself only because regrets will come sooner or later. Leave something to the people that matter to you, even if it only means leaving good memory of you.

 

[BeExcellent]

Agree @justaroundthecorner and I can cite you an example.....

I have a friend who is an ex pro hockey player. Good looking, rugged, sexy. Very masculine. Playboy all his adult life. Beautiful women were a given, success, pro athlete etc. He liked the playboy lifestyle although he quit hockey to build a business (and he's a multimillionaire with houses in different parts of the world.)

He never married. Never fathered children. He's in his 60s, has had both knees replaced, he's not in the arrogance and self indulgence of his youth anymore.

He sees old teammates around him, surrounded by families, wife, children, grandchildren.....and he sees that his old teammates have a family; a legacy; people close to them who love & care for them.

While he is alone....and women will still show up....but they want his money now. He is very disillusioned and wishes he had made different choices when he thought the world was his oyster.

Its quite sad. He does have loyal people at his company who look after him. My guess is he leaves his wealth to them for he has no personal legacy.

 

[Sega Genesis]

Do not fall into the trap of "consumerism of life" and don't live for yourself only....

I agree with this^ part of your post. Although I do believe one can (and should) live for themselves but others also in whatever way that adds value to their lives.

I also agree with the mindset of not spinning plates and/or pursuing a high notch count especially when it's at the exclusion of pursuing a purposeful life through education (not necessarily formal schooling), a decent well-paying career, your own roof over your head and living a life independent of those who raised you.

However what about those people who are, for one reason or another, not able to have children? Or simply have no interest in having children? Or even a long term relationship?

Not due to "Peter Pan" Syndrome or even immaturity, they simply prefer 'singleness' to 'couplesness' and choose to give unselfishly in other ways through mentoring, volunteering and other altruistic opportunities?

They're active in their community and surround themselves with friends and family (if they have family - parents, siblings, cousins).

Even if they choose to travel around the world experiencing different cultures, people, food etc and learning and growing that way?

THIS gives their life meaning and value, who's to negatively judge and say that's 'wrong'?

NOT me!

There are people's like this, I happen to know a few, and they are quite happy and fulfilled.

No they won't have their children surrounding them during their last days however they have good friends and family, not to mention what about those parents whose children don't give rat's rear and are only waiting for them to die anyway and get their inheritance?

I've observed this a few times as well unfortunately..

That said I agree with what @BeExcellent has posted below..

That if you (or you and your partner) choose to have children, then it's your responsibility to raise them to be responsible human beings who bring value and meaning to themselves and others in whatever way makes them happy..

Children require great sacrifice, that is true. They are helpless for years, they are expensive, and they take precedent because children are a COMMITMENT.

I believe similarly as @BackInTheGame78 about my children. I brought them into this world. It is my job to protect them and raise them through age 10-12 or so, and then the job shifts during the teen years to preparing them for adult life while still guiding them & teaching them solid decision making & life skills.

 

[BaronOfHair]

Agree @justaroundthecorner and I can cite you an example.....

I have a friend who is an ex pro hockey player. Good looking, rugged, sexy. Very masculine. Playboy all his adult life. Beautiful women were a given, success, pro athlete etc. He liked the playboy lifestyle although he quit hockey to build a business (and he's a multimillionaire with houses in different parts of the world.)

He never married. Never fathered children. He's in his 60s, has had both knees replaced, he's not in the arrogance and self indulgence of his youth anymore.

He sees old teammates around him, surrounded by families, wife, children, grandchildren.....and he sees that his old teammates have a family; a legacy; people close to them who love & care for them.

While he is alone....and women will still show up....but they want his money now. He is very disillusioned and wishes he had made different choices when he thought the world was his oyster.

Its quite sad. He does have loyal people at his company who look after him. My guess is he leaves his wealth to them for he has no personal legacy.

That's ONE way of thinking. Another:

There's always a danger that The Ol'ball'n'chain will croak in her 20s or 30s from cancer, or decide that she's actually pansexual, then run off to San Francisco

Kids either grow up and leave(In this day and age, chances are strong they'll end up thousands or even millions of miles away), or end being the spawn of some dude the missus started banging two days after returning from the honeymoon, decide that he's cooler and choose to go live with him instead

There's more than one grain of truth to Don Draper's worldview: You’re born alone, and you die alone, and this world just drops a bunch of rules on top of you to make you forget those facts

 

[justaroundthecorner]

As much alpha Don Draper is in Mad Men, he is a fictional character and humans are social beings by definition.

However what about those people who are, for one reason or another, not able to have children? Or simply have no interest in having children? Or even a long term relationship?

Not due to "Peter Pan" Syndrome or even immaturity, they simply prefer 'singleness' to 'couplesness' and choose to give unselfishly in other ways through mentoring, volunteering and other altruistic opportunities?

I think I already wrote about it - either you are doing heavy lifting for society otherwise or you have children - if you are concentrated only on satisfying your own pleasure and needs, then you will not be truly respected, even if you will acquire some position of power.