when I talk to someone, I try to affect what they think of me

[espanish]

when I am talking to a girl, or even a guy, I am always trying to affect what they think of me. what is the root cause of this? how can I stop needing to do this?

 

[Mike32ct]

It’s because you want them to like you. The downside of this is you can end up so focused on yourself and how you are coming across that you aren’t really listening to what they are saying. Then it’s harder to connect with people.

It’s actually better to focus on what the other person is saying and WHY they saying it.

Instead of worrying about how you are coming across, actually listen to what they are saying and try to understand their motivation for doing so. Then you can respond accordingly.

For example:

1. Are they joking/bantering/using sarcasm? You can respond in kind.

2. Are they pissed off about something? Acknowledge what is bothering them and let them vent a bit.

3. Are they excited about something? Keep the conversation on this fun topic for them.

And so on…

But, yeah, I’ve been guilty of what the OP mentioned in the past. But I’m now working on improving my active listening skills.

 

[EyeOnThePrize]

when I am talking to a girl, or even a guy, I am always trying to affect what they think of me. what is the root cause of this? how can I stop needing to do this?

@Mike32ct is on the right track. Networking and building connections is done by finding a genuine interest in other people.

The root cause of your behavior is that you're validated by what others think of you, rather than validated by yourself. Work on your inner game, master some skills, work on your body, sharpen your mind, so that you can stand on it rather than seeking approval from others.

When you work on yourself you'll naturally develop some self confidence, then you can be more comfortable around others and share your true self with them.

 

[Bingo-Player]

. what is the root cause of this? how can I stop needing to do this?

Insecurity

Seek validation from within yourself not others

 

[characternote]

when I am talking to a girl, or even a guy, I am always trying to affect what they think of me. what is the root cause of this? how can I stop needing to do this?

isn't that kind of the motive behind just about every technique under the umbrella of outer game?

 

[Canadian_Man]

It’s because you want them to like you. The downside of this is you can end up so focused on yourself and how you are coming across that you aren’t really listening to what they are saying. Then it’s harder to connect with people.

It’s actually better to focus on what the other person is saying and WHY they saying it.

Instead of worrying about how you are coming across, actually listen to what they are saying and try to understand their motivation for doing so. Then you can respond accordingly.

For example:

1. Are they joking/bantering/using sarcasm? You can respond in kind.

2. Are they pissed off about something? Acknowledge what is bothering them and let them vent a bit.

3. Are they excited about something? Keep the conversation on this fun topic for them.

And so on…

But, yeah, I’ve been guilty of what the OP mentioned in the past. But I’m now working on improving my active listening skills.

To add to this, one could become more interested in why the person thinks the way they do, without the motive of trying to change their thinking or behaviour.

Become curious about people.

About how their mindsets and beliefs overlap and differ from your own, from other people you've met, and so forth.

(This applies to dating in the sense that once you better understand the person, which can help you better connect & appreciate them ... or, in the opposite end of it, filter out people who aren't good for you).

 

[Scars]

Insecurity and an internal need to seek validation from others. You will continue to do this until you learn to "let go" and truly not give a fvck.

 

[MtmVaott]

isn't that kind of the motive behind just about every technique under the umbrella of outer game?

Yes, and that's why they are BS. Being completely validated in oneself leads to behaviour similar to the techniques, but in a genuine way.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

The root cause is you needing their approval. It's a supplicating, nice guy behavior and one that leads to bad outcomes with women over time.