When / how do I tell her about my disability?

[wonderer]

I've just started a relationship with someone. However, there's something I haven't told her about myself - I have Crohn's disease, and I've had surgery to place a stoma bag on me, this removes faeces into the bag on my stomach.

We haven't had sex yet (shes a virgin), but in the past I have had one night stands and not removed my t shirt blaming scarring the reason, and they've not noticed, it is discreet.

I want to have sex with her, but I'm also worried about telling her, but I feel if I have sex with her before telling her, this could become an issue, but I can say that I just wasn't ready. I feel like I want to wait until she falls for me to say anything.

I don't know when to tell her, and how I should go about saying it.

 

[El Payaso]

Just don't bring it up. Act like it just isn't there. Only tell her when she finds out out asks.

 

[narcissist]

Don't bring it up, unless she does. If/when she does, act like it ain't a big deal. If she ain't cool with it then tell her to hit the fvcking road.

This is part of who you are. Just be chill about it.

 

[devilkingx2]

that seems like something you'd want to warn about before she finds out, since you can't hide it(the last thing you want is a candid reaction to this sort of thing).

but be chill about it, don't make it sound like a big deal or anything grave, don't be gross or graphic, etc. (but don't hide any relevant details)

like you can probably hide it for ONS's or even occasional hookups but if you're going to be dating her you can't hide it forever

 

[wonderer]

Thanks guys, what do others think?

 

[dustmuffin]

You have the bag. It's something that will probably be with you a lifetime. A woman can accept it or move on. I'm with @el paseo, don't bring it up unless she does. Then act like it's no big deal. Don't apologize, act confidently. It's no big deal.

 

[wifehunter]

It's a hard thing to bring up, anyway.

 

[wonderer]

Theres a possibility she wouldn't find out for a year / more, do you think she would think I have deceived her / have been dishonest / shouldve brought it up sooner? Trust me im more happy with the not telling her option as its difficult, but just want to do the right thing too.

 

[SmooveMooves]

Theres a possibility she wouldn't find out for a year / more, do you think she would think I have deceived her / have been dishonest / shouldve brought it up sooner? Trust me im more happy with the not telling her option as its difficult, but just want to do the right thing too.

Nah, you have to tell her. Not telling her is taking the easy way out and you know this. Just one day be like "oh btw I have chrohn's disease." Don't make it a big deal because it isn't. if she has an emotional reaction ignore it. It's not that serious. That is apart of you it's like having a scar.

You don't have to go into details. Don't. When it comes time to have sex, keep your shirt on like you usually do and tear that pvssy up. If she asks why you won't go shirtless -- "you are more comfortable with a shirt on." no explanation needed.


The key here is -- if you make it a big deal it will be, if you don't it won't. It's up to you.

 

[SgtSplacker]

I would drop a little hint once early on, just mention it and keep things rolling. Then business as usual.

 

[dude99]

I've just started a relationship with someone. However, there's something I haven't told her about myself - I have Crohn's disease, and I've had surgery to place a stoma bag on me, this removes faeces into the bag on my stomach.

We haven't had sex yet (shes a virgin), but in the past I have had one night stands and not removed my t shirt blaming scarring the reason, and they've not noticed, it is discreet.

I want to have sex with her, but I'm also worried about telling her, but I feel if I have sex with her before telling her, this could become an issue, but I can say that I just wasn't ready. I feel like I want to wait until she falls for me to say anything.

I don't know when to tell her, and how I should go about saying it.

You tell her when you want to make it her business.

This is your personal business and she only needs to know if you want her to know.

 

[devilkingx2]

Theres a possibility she wouldn't find out for a year / more, do you think she would think I have deceived her / have been dishonest / shouldve brought it up sooner? Trust me im more happy with the not telling her option as its difficult, but just want to do the right thing too.

I actually just realized,

if you're planning on an LTR you'll eventually have to mention having the disease, and that it's part of the reason you don't take your shirt off, don't tell her why even if she asks, just say "I have crohn's disease so it's best that i not be shirtless in front of people, ever."

if it's supposed to be short term then it doesn't really matter do whatever you want lol.

keeping a huge secret is not a great idea in an LTR because it'll eventually come out and be a disaster if you aren't proactive

 

[Julian]

damn bro this is a tough situation i got no advice other then i send you good vibes and my prayers. your a strong bro, bro

 

[Atom Smasher]

You should tell her.

If she has class, she will appreciate your honesty and standing up like a man.

Take this to the bank:
If a woman loves you or is extremely fond of you, she will talk herself into accepting ANYTHING about you, as long as you don't make a big deal out of it.

If at first she feels surprised, no worries because she will likely talk herself into accepting it when she's by herself. Just like the way women fall in love with us when they are by themselves, not with us.

I have very serious Irritable Bowel Syndrome (could be Ulcerative Colitis; they're not sure), and it has been a nightmare to live with. I've had it all my life. Since childhood I've had to make sure there's a bathroom around, everywhere I go. I have a great girlfriend right now, and she is head-over-heels about me. She frames my intestinal issue as my being strong, brave, and a great example to others who are suffering.

The two-step process is to
1) Tell her in a non-chalant, SELF-ACCEPTING way, and
2) Give her time to talk herself into accepting it.

If she has class and is into you, she will absolutely and positively become COMPLETELY BLIND to it (in terms of concern about it). You need to set the example by casually mentioning it with the attitude that it's no big deal. She will feed of your own self-assessment of it.

I don't think hiding it is a good idea. It's somewhat dishonest and it conveys to her that it's something to be ashamed about and she will feed off of that. Instead, convey complete self-acceptance and when she is used to the idea, you can even "milk" the situation where she wants to talk to you about the challenges you face, and if you do that right, she will consider you a hero for dealing with it.

In the unlikely event that she can't get past it, then believe me brother, she is below your standards. A quality woman will always accept her man when he is up-front about things.

 

[wonderer]

Thank you so much guys.

I've dropped hints to her today, said I've had stomach problems and had surgeries in the past, there was no questioning on her part at all, she actually has heart problems so I think that could make things a lot easier.

We haven't said I love yous yet and I want to wait for that, I think she's falling for me, she said her cat loved me, and asked if I loved her, I said no ofcourse in a cheeky way.