What would you guys do?

[Ottocinclus]

So I've been absorbed into this group--an activity group, but I won't go into the specific activity--and right away I noticed that one of the female members was staring and getting flirty. There were a bunch of people around, and I never went beyond introducing myself. This group has a group text that everybody posts in, and I saw the girl post a picture of herself, so now I know her phone number.

Do you think it'd be kinda "creepy" in this situation to start texting her (and ask her out)? Or should I wait until we interact some more next time and I get her number "for real"? It does strike me as a bit weird to just contact her after playing detective, so I thought I'd ask around before doing anything I might regret.

Thanks

 

[CornbreadFed]

If a girl likes you then you would not be second guessing yourself at all. You cannot just wait to approach in person? Otherwise, be smooth about this text and don’t act like a fool.

Next, there are probably guys in your group doing exactly what you are thinking too. I’m assuming, this is a college class or something so just text her about the assignment and guage her response. Again, don’t be a fvcking idiot. If this girl actually likes you then she will bug you to hang out or something

 

[Barrister]

Wait to approach in person unless the group doesn't meet very often. If it is a weekly or bi-weekly thing and you will see her again soon, an IRL interaction to ask her out is infinitely better than a text that can be ignored. You can also evaluate her body language and reactions to things you're saying IRL.

 

[Clockwerk50]

In my experience, if the girl does not know of your existence or does not wonder about you, I wouldn't say it would be creepy, but due to the lack of rapport, she would most likely say no, take longer to reply, or it would be awkward.

However, if, objectively speaking, you say she was getting flirty, is trying to seduce you, and seemed open to a connection, I don't see why you couldn't text her. Nonetheless, I think her being “flirty” and “staring” is more subjective than objective, and if she was as high-interest as it sounds, you'd probably be more confident to talk to her and be less scared.

 

[Ottocinclus]

It's actually a surfing group organized by a psychiatrist. It's an outing that meets about 3x per week for veterans who have things like PTSD. At least it started that way. After years, a lot of the other local surfers were absorbed into the group. Everybody basically surfs in the morning and then hangs out and socializes at the local coffee shop after. I had gotten to know many of them over the years, but was never part of the crew.

Well, a couple weeks ago a woman started waving at me as she drove past in the parking lot. This happened a couple times. I had never noticed her before and had no idea who she was. Then one day when I'm walking to my car from the beach, I see the group at the coffee shop doing its thing, and that girl was there with them. She had already clocked me, it seems, and was watching my every move as I walked to my car. I'm like "Oh sh*t" and quickly changed and headed over there to investigate.

I went and got a coffee and then walked past their table on the way out. I greeted a couple of regulars and stayed to chat a bit. Then I introduced myself to the girl. She seemed a little more reserved up close. I probably should have stayed, but I think I had to get to work or something. She again was totally eyeing me as a drove off.

I joined the group the next time (the girl wasn't there) and stayed for a while. They gave me some pastries and invited me to join their group chat. I haven't seen the girl since (I think she's traveling) but she posts on the chat.

That's the scenario. She'll be back soon, so I'm just wondering how to handle this.

 

[Bigpapa]

That's the scenario. She'll be back soon, so I'm just wondering how to handle this.

Wait for her to come back, and start talking with her f2f

if she was eyeing you and she was quite obvious, makes sense on why she was more reserved when you said hi to her

either she got nervous, either she realized that she was too blunt in showing interest and tried to not look more interested than you are

good luck, sounds promising !

 

[Clockwerk50]

It's actually a surfing group organized by a psychiatrist. It's an outing that meets about 3x per week for veterans who have things like PTSD. At least it started that way. After years, a lot of the other local surfers were absorbed into the group. Everybody basically surfs in the morning and then hangs out and socializes at the local coffee shop after. I had gotten to know many of them over the years, but was never part of the crew.

Well, a couple weeks ago a woman started waving at me as she drove past in the parking lot. This happened a couple times. I had never noticed her before and had no idea who she was. Then one day when I'm walking to my car from the beach, I see the group at the coffee shop doing its thing, and that girl was there with them. She had already clocked me, it seems, and was watching my every move as I walked to my car. I'm like "Oh sh*t" and quickly changed and headed over there to investigate.

I went and got a coffee and then walked past their table on the way out. I greeted a couple of regulars and stayed to chat a bit. Then I introduced myself to the girl. She seemed a little more reserved up close. I probably should have stayed, but I think I had to get to work or something. She again was totally eyeing me as a drove off.

I joined the group the next time (the girl wasn't there) and stayed for a while. They gave me some pastries and invited me to join their group chat. I haven't seen the girl since (I think she's traveling) but she posts on the chat.

That's the scenario. She'll be back soon, so I'm just wondering how to handle this.

OP,

The context changes a bit since this is a recurring social circle. The tree diagram below provides more information on what you could do depending on each situation. The main premise is that if you're going to see her soon, talk to her in person. If you don't have a reasonable opportunity to see her, texting becomes more reasonable. You could text like, "Hey, I noticed you haven't been around for awhile, how you been?", and if the conversation is flowing nice, you can finish it with "That's cool. Let me know when you come back so we can hang out."

Either way, it does take courage to mount a seduction; however, there is no point in overthinking and dwelling in a person you barely know and don’t even know if you’re interested in each other yet. Hopefully you are talking to other women.

 

[BeExcellent]

Advice from the old lady:

Be patient & slow play this in real life F2F.

 

[plumber]

don't be coy or hard to get. if she wants to talk to you, do it if you can at that time. don't push her, but be available if she opens with you. no mode1. when you talk f2f find out more about her, let her talk if she likes something, find out why.

this exact pattern often works out....

sounds like you have some status in that group.

 

[Ottocinclus]

sounds like you have some status in that group.

I'm becoming a pretty good surfer and am somewhat attractive. Being attractive is a double edged sword though. You get treated differently (and not always well).

 

[Bigpapa]

You get treated differently (and not always well).

people make assumptions, like for example being good looking = arrogant or whatever

but it is mainly projections, but unfortunately projections are part of the real life these days

 

[Ottocinclus]

She came back and went surfing with the group. I must have just misread things before, as she seemed disinterested when in close proximity. Sorta kept her distance and didn't sit anywhere near me. I guess I was wrong LOL Night and day from the last time I saw her.

Well, at least I have a cool new group to surf with.

 

[Tilex]

I find that activity groups in general usually have a pre-introduction given by the group leader.
When someone invites you to the group, they introduce you formally to everyone. That's proper etiquette.

If you're out there inviting yourself to the group without a proper invitation & introduction, it throws off the mojo for the entire group.
Even if you did get invited, the leader of the group or host still needs to introduce you to everyone in person.
If you introduce yourself individually, it causes an imbalance in the group dynamics and they'll see you as a stranger.
Saying hi to everyone in the group without knowing their names or they do not know yours, makes you look like an outsider.

 

[Prepostereax]

it's a surfing group.
In my neck of the woods, surfie chicks are usually bonking, or have bonked, at least one dude there.
Probably some dynamics you aren't aware of, yet

 

[Bigpapa]

She came back and went surfing with the group. I must have just misread things before, as she seemed disinterested when in close proximity. Sorta kept her distance and didn't sit anywhere near me. I guess I was wrong LOL Night and day from the last time I saw her.

Well, at least I have a cool new group to surf with.

To do anything possible to keep your distance from someone needs effort

I think she is weird, but likes you or there is a dynamic inside the group that you are not aware of

I think that when you have an occasion to just talk with her a bit and see where it goes. You lose nothing if when the opportunity arises you just go and have a friendly chat

 

[Clockwerk50]

She came back and went surfing with the group. I must have just misread things before, as she seemed disinterested when in close proximity. Sorta kept her distance and didn't sit anywhere near me. I guess I was wrong LOL Night and day from the last time I saw her.

Well, at least I have a cool new group to surf with.

Good stuff, OP. At least you don’t have to dwell on it or hyper-analyze the situation anymore, and now you can move on and/or focus on other prospects. She may take the initiative another day, or she may never do so, but the point is you don’t need to do anything about it or force anything at all.

it's a surfing group.
In my neck of the woods, surfie chicks are usually bonking, or have bonked, at least one dude there.
Probably some dynamics you aren't aware of, yet

My guess is that his window of opportunity was pretty small, and as soon as he missed it, she either lost interest, met someone else, got distracted, or simply isn't interested in him specifically right now. You snooze, you lose.

 

[Ottocinclus]

My guess is that his window of opportunity was pretty small, and as soon as he missed it, she either lost interest, met someone else, got distracted, or simply isn't interested in him specifically right now. You snooze, you lose.

That would be kinda lame if she just closed this window like that. She didn't give me much to work with. I mean, It's kinda unreasonable to expect somebody to chase you down from far away or make moves on you when surrounded by other people. And waving at somebody isn't like a definite "come here and talk to me" anyway, me thinks. I did introduce myself to her before she left and she reeled it all back in up close.

 

[Ottocinclus]

Anyway, against this group's advice, I actually texted her. I noticed her posting a lot in the chat and figured there was nothing to lose anyway.

She didn't respond. BUT at the next meet she approached me. I got there early, got my coffee, and walked down the path to the beach to check the surf. As I was walking, I noticed her car pulling into the lot. I look at the waves and turn around and start heading back, and then there she was walking down the path towards me. She says, "Hey, I got your text. I'm not a veteran; I'm a psychiatrist!" (In the text I asked what her "story" was and what's her relationship to the group).

I get close and say, "You seem cool, so I texted you." She smiled and asked if I was veteran. I'm like, "No, [friend1] and [friend2] just brought me into the gang." She said that was great and we parted ways as she walked to the beach.

So that's the first time I talked to her for real. I sensed attraction but also her trying not to show it.