oldmanofthesea
Master Don Juan
- Joined
- Mar 23, 2018
- Messages
- 1,600
- Reaction score
- 3,308
- Age
- 48
I think one red-pill topic that doesn't get enough discussion is: What is the definition of love?
I believe the majority of men's pain and suffering surrounding relationships is caused by misunderstanding of love.
We are programmed through movies, tv, and books, from a young age to believe that love is a feeling. But since no one can describe it exactly, we each take our own swirl of confusing emotions growing up and then associate some of them with love, to form our own personal, yet usually incorrect belief of what love is and what love feels like. I would be willing to bet most men (and probably women too) end up forming their beliefs about love in this way.
Instead of talking about what love is, let's talk about what love is not....
What I see commonly mistaken for love:
1. A cure for neediness. The neediness can be for one or more specific needs such as validation of self-worth (in all forms from physical appearance to personality to general desirability), to a need for constant close companionship and an inability to be alone and enjoy your own company, or the company of friends in normal doses (instead of 24x7). If your social life sucks, a romantic partner will not fix that for you - it is too much weight to bear for them.
2. Misdirected source of identity. Instead of forming your own individual identity and sense of personal value, you based a large part of your identity on your partnership/marriage (most often without even realizing you are doing it)
3. Infatuation/Admiration. You admire someone so much for something they have or can do (it could be their body/looks, or a skill they possess such as an artist or athlete or successes in other areas in life), that you pedestalize them. While it is healthy to admire someone you love, there is a difference between healthy admiration and putting them on a pedestal and ranking their value above your own.
4. Fear. This really falls under the neediness umbrella, but fear of being alone, or fear of not finding another, or not finding another better than what you have now.
When you mistake love for the feelings you experience from the issues mentioned above, you set yourself up for an unhealthy relationship, increase the odds that you will be dumped, and guarantee that you will be absolutely devastated when it happens. And it's a shame too because while you think you are mourning the loss of love, you are actually experiencing emotions resulting from the core of your own problems that you are capable of solving.
Here is my warning..... if you find yourself experiencing one or more of following things when you meet a girl and have been dating her a short time:
1. You want to stop doing things you were doing when single in order to spend the majority of your time with her (IE not hanging out with friends or participating in your hobbies and other interests)
2. You think about her all day
3. Your level of general happiness and satisfaction in life has skyrocketed since you started dating her
4. You have strong urges to brag to your friends/family about her and show her off
5. You are worried she might be too high-value/hot/etc for you and are trying to figure out how you can be sure to lock her down, and/or you are anxious about losing her
6. You start comparing yourself to her in a way that puts her above you
...... then you are likely not in love, you should see this as a red flag for yourself that you need to address, and you need to step back a bit from your relationship. The more of the above you experience, the more critical it is for you to solve your core issues before you will be able to be in a healthy relationship.
I believe the majority of men's pain and suffering surrounding relationships is caused by misunderstanding of love.
We are programmed through movies, tv, and books, from a young age to believe that love is a feeling. But since no one can describe it exactly, we each take our own swirl of confusing emotions growing up and then associate some of them with love, to form our own personal, yet usually incorrect belief of what love is and what love feels like. I would be willing to bet most men (and probably women too) end up forming their beliefs about love in this way.
Instead of talking about what love is, let's talk about what love is not....
What I see commonly mistaken for love:
1. A cure for neediness. The neediness can be for one or more specific needs such as validation of self-worth (in all forms from physical appearance to personality to general desirability), to a need for constant close companionship and an inability to be alone and enjoy your own company, or the company of friends in normal doses (instead of 24x7). If your social life sucks, a romantic partner will not fix that for you - it is too much weight to bear for them.
2. Misdirected source of identity. Instead of forming your own individual identity and sense of personal value, you based a large part of your identity on your partnership/marriage (most often without even realizing you are doing it)
3. Infatuation/Admiration. You admire someone so much for something they have or can do (it could be their body/looks, or a skill they possess such as an artist or athlete or successes in other areas in life), that you pedestalize them. While it is healthy to admire someone you love, there is a difference between healthy admiration and putting them on a pedestal and ranking their value above your own.
4. Fear. This really falls under the neediness umbrella, but fear of being alone, or fear of not finding another, or not finding another better than what you have now.
When you mistake love for the feelings you experience from the issues mentioned above, you set yourself up for an unhealthy relationship, increase the odds that you will be dumped, and guarantee that you will be absolutely devastated when it happens. And it's a shame too because while you think you are mourning the loss of love, you are actually experiencing emotions resulting from the core of your own problems that you are capable of solving.
Here is my warning..... if you find yourself experiencing one or more of following things when you meet a girl and have been dating her a short time:
1. You want to stop doing things you were doing when single in order to spend the majority of your time with her (IE not hanging out with friends or participating in your hobbies and other interests)
2. You think about her all day
3. Your level of general happiness and satisfaction in life has skyrocketed since you started dating her
4. You have strong urges to brag to your friends/family about her and show her off
5. You are worried she might be too high-value/hot/etc for you and are trying to figure out how you can be sure to lock her down, and/or you are anxious about losing her
6. You start comparing yourself to her in a way that puts her above you
...... then you are likely not in love, you should see this as a red flag for yourself that you need to address, and you need to step back a bit from your relationship. The more of the above you experience, the more critical it is for you to solve your core issues before you will be able to be in a healthy relationship.
