What is better in initial interactions: comfort or tension?

[Herb]

Many people say that if you "click" with a girl and you spend hours talking when you meet or have a first date, and are very comfortable with each other, you have it in the bag. But the more I think about it, I don't know if that's true, at least to that extent.

If they become too comfortable with you at first, wouldn't they almost start to subconsciously see you in a platonic, friend-like way than as someone they want giving it to them real good? I feel like that's happened with some girls for me. Seemingly had a great long date and connected on tons of issues, had the same ideas about things, but I think through that she lost sexual attraction and it turned into "you're a really cool person!"... Or worse, you remind her of her gay friend she can tell stuff to (not that that's happened to me).

And there were some tense, even borderline awkward dates I've had that actually ended in successful hookups somehow. I was befuddled by this at first but now it kind of makes more sense. Not saying a date should be awkward but maybe there should be a healthy degree of tension, and mystery, and intrigue. Like not giving away everything about yourself. Talking less, not commenting on everything and getting super exciting about all the topics. Show some more restraint. Maintain a sexy and flirty vibe and tone,, the right kind of eye contact, use touching, as opposed to just talking about a bunch of stuff and looking to "connect".

So many people think that connecting on ideas is the main way to lead to a relationship. In the long run of course that's probably true, but at first there's this courtship thing that I think must involve mystery and tension.

 

[Macaframalama]

This^^^ Both can be done. Doesn't have to be either or.

 

[RichardTheFrog]

Many people say that if you "click" with a girl and you spend hours talking when you meet or have a first date, and are very comfortable with each other, you have it in the bag. But the more I think about it, I don't know if that's true, at least to that extent.

If they become too comfortable with you at first, wouldn't they almost start to subconsciously see you in a platonic, friend-like way than as someone they want giving it to them real good? I feel like that's happened with some girls for me. Seemingly had a great long date and connected on tons of issues, had the same ideas about things, but I think through that she lost sexual attraction and it turned into "you're a really cool person!"... Or worse, you remind her of her gay friend she can tell stuff to (not that that's happened to me).

And there were some tense, even borderline awkward dates I've had that actually ended in successful hookups somehow. I was befuddled by this at first but now it kind of makes more sense. Not saying a date should be awkward but maybe there should be a healthy degree of tension, and mystery, and intrigue. Like not giving away everything about yourself. Talking less, not commenting on everything and getting super exciting about all the topics. Show some more restraint. Maintain a sexy and flirty vibe and tone,, the right kind of eye contact, use touching, as opposed to just talking about a bunch of stuff and looking to "connect".

So many people think that connecting on ideas is the main way to lead to a relationship. In the long run of course that's probably true, but at first there's this courtship thing that I think must involve mystery and tension.

If you spend HOURS talking to someone, is sex really the point?

 

[marmel75]

Inexperienced people always try to go from one extreme to the complete opposite extreme and while they find it might work better they also find it is far from ideal.

OP stop thinking in absolutes. Very few things in life work like that.

 

[PeasantPlayer]

Both there will always be both if there is too much comfort, someone will need to create tension

 

[ubercat]

ok agree with the guys but a couple of specifics. Normally 10 minutes of rapport building 15 Max. Then a bit of teasing. See after you've built a bit of comfort you can say change the topic when she's talking. If you try that before any comfort has been established you're just an asshat.

 

[MoreThanSmooth]

Every time I've got on well with a girl there's been both. She's comfortable enough to chat with me about personal stuff and feels "safe", at the same time there's a sexual tension that has us both interested in each other beyond chatting.

 

[Herb]

I get carried away when we do "click" on something I guess. Part of me says just to go with the flow and what feels natural, and sometimes talking excitedly about things feels that way. But I need to be more cognizant of the overall progress of the interaction, more self-aware and "meta", and be able to pull out of that into a more flirty/teasy mode before I go too far and get too friend-like. I should also probably not drink as much on or before dates.

If you spend HOURS talking to someone, is sex really the point?

Well maybe I don't go that far but I was just using that as an extreme example.

when you learn how to really think, you stop dealing in binary thinking and absolutes
what if i told you, it involves both?

I certainly believe that's the truth. A bit of both sides; some give and take; good cop bad cop lol. Yes, I always have problems thinking in extremes. I tend to bounce from one to the other and often aim too far and try to over-correct myself. What's the best way to just be natural and develop good thinking habits in this regard?

Depends on whether the girl has anxiety issues. As a general rule, younger and/or foreign women require comfort. American women require more tension.

And yes I have noticed American girls actually don't want as much comfort as foreign ones. I do naturally a bit better with international women (and younger ages) in some ways.