what do you do when a woman disrespects you?

[speed dawg]

It IS possible that Cordon and Mr. Me are both right in this situation.

 

[Unprez]

I think this situation could have been avoided if he came wit a friend.. personally if it happened to me i would find it disrespectfull too but i would i would be at fault too for coming alone to see my girl when she is wit her friends

 

[Mr. Me]

Let me point to a most excellent post by our brother, Jeffst1980.

In particular, where he makes this excellent observation and states a relevant truth:

"we are fully capable of AVOIDING being put in the value-compromising positions that many of the first time posters that frequent this site are placed... "

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=158090

If I had a dollar for everytime over the years I've heard a variation of this story. The story goes like this: "She asked me to hang out because she needs a ride home. So, me being the nice guy, I did. She danced with her friends, drank, I kinda just sat there and waited, nursing a drink. She basically ignored me. So, five hours later, at the end of the night, she asked me to drop off six of her girlfriends first, so I did. Then we got to her place, I dropped her off and she said she was really tired, so I went home."

Could've avoided the whole thing by closing Pandora's box when it opened a crack when she put in her request. But some guys invite this abuse upon themselves, willing to standby for hours just for a chance to get laid.

That's why it's called "Pus$y Power" I guess.

And who gives those women that "power"? The guy that says, "okay!" or the guy who says, "Nah, thanks, but no".

 

[strong like bull]

the only "controlling" put forth by Mr Me's advice, is how to control your self-respect. which if the OP had done, he wouldnt be in this situation right now.

the OP may have over-reacted, but whats important to notice is why he became irritated or upset in the first place. id bet that as that night was unfolding, he started to get that all-too-familiar gut feeling that somethings off. and there was. as men its important to pay attention to what our instincts tell us.

the only thing worse than being disrespected by a woman, is disrespecting yourself.

and this comes with no disrespect to her, but usually if the girl stays out all night drinking with her friends, by the time she gets home at 3 in the morning shes too drunk/tired to do anything anyways. even if shes not... do you want to sit and wait to find out?

i would agree that what would have probably made you happiest, when all of this went down, is to just give her a hug and a kiss and tell her youre gonna meet up with some friends, or head home to do xyz, or whatever. be sincere, upbeat but most importantly be able to carry on with dignity. she was out having fun with her friends, and you know in your gut that playing tag-a-long third wheel is not something that would make you happy. if you leave and go have fun with your friends, and later she hits you up, and you decide you want to see her...

know what i mean?

its not necessarily about being controlling to her. but control your own actions, emotions and your self respect.

-slb

 

[Romjuan]

Thats not what she said. She said..."I'm going over to xxx bar with some friends, I'll call you later on (and THEN we can hook up)". And guess what...she did call. From the sound of it a few times. She was out just having fun with her friends. She thought the OP was with his as well. Then end of night they meet up and bang. There was never any date. She was just playing it by ear. Good times. No drama.

Wow guys I'm just mystified. Some of you are so jaded by women that you refuse to ever see their side of things.

concordon had it right on. there is no doubt she is into me. we have had sex plenty of times so sex was not an issue for me. i knew we could have sex later on that nite. also i think mr. me brought up the ride issue. she had a ride, in fact she drove up there but you are right she wanted to get drunk then have me give her a ride home and have sex.

 

[Romjuan]

so here is an update:

like i said, me and her have a long history. we dated for one year exclusively then broke up for couple months and now have just started to get back into it.
after the nite was over like i said before she called twice at 3am and texted for me to call which i ignored. the next day i called. when we spoke i didnt talk much i wanted her to do all the talking and to give her a chance to apolgize for doing what she did. i agree with concordin and mr. me....i showed up to the bar with 2 friends so concordin you were right she probably thought i was with my friends and things were light, however we have had a long relationship and she hasnt done that before. mr. me is also right because i wasnt having a good time and the best response when she said dont leave without me would have been, "im kinda bored here if im still here ill give you a ride." anyhow, sex was not a big deal because i can get it from her anytime i want... back to the update, so i give her time on the phone to explain, she doesnt really address the issue, just addresses the drama with her and her sis. her sis hates me FOR NO REASON other than shes jealous that shes not in a happy relationship. so my girl never really apologizes so i was confused. i began thinking in my head, maybe i read her text wrong and she didnt invite me just merely said she was going to xxx bar. so i asked i could be wrong but did you invite me to that bar? she said yes. so i addressed the issue. "ok so i felt like you disrespected me. i was having a good time at the strip club and you invited me out so i got my friends to go there and within minutes after your drama you leave in a wierd manner." she said oh my god i am soo sorry. your right, its just everything happend soo fast. i am really sooo sorry. she then also tells me how she cleared the drama with her sis saying shes really happy with me and if she doesnt change she wont let her sis in with her life. after we got off the phone her sis texts me to apologize and she sent me another text saying "im really sooosorry and i want to apologize again,i dont want to disrespect you and i hope your not mad."

so i felt i should reward her like a pet when they do a good deed and said since you genuinly apologized i will let you see me tonite. we hung out and she apologized again. i told her i am giving her an assignment and i want her to make me an apology card. she has to make one rather than buy one and i will truly forgive her. shes doing it now.


so that was the update.. i snooped on her phone this morning just to see if there is anything sneaky going on. we are not commited but i still wanted to see if there was another guy. i read two guys text. one was a guy that apparently shes blowing off that she dated while we stopped. the guy texted something like i hope we get another chance and this isnt ending kinda bull****. the other text was from one of her guyfriends (orbiter) and he texted about when they went to xxx bar when she abrubptly left. it was a back and forth text about "were thinkin bout goin to xxx bar how is it there?" "good packed" ....then later in that nite other text saying " god i my nipples hurt from those titty twisters i gotta get you now.. you looked hot"

now im kinda upset. this orbiter she never did anything with and im sure in her head shes being drunk playful but of course the orbiter is trying something. im 98% sure she would never do anything with this guy the only doubt i have is because reading other threads in this forum of guys saying the same thing. im also not mad that shes texting other guys because we are not commited and she is single so what do i expect. im more mad because all this was going on when i was at the other bar still trying to figure out what all happend and why she left to xxx bar when she invited me out.

any suggestions if i should address what happend? or now since its al done and she apologized im thinkin i really shouldnt bring it up again.

 

[Mr. Me]

>> there is no doubt she is into me. >>

Are you joking? She left with two drunk girlfriends. Girls that are into me don't leave without me.

>> we dated for one year exclusively then broke up for couple months >>

So this is already a flawed relationship.

>> the best response when she said dont leave without me would have been, "im kinda bored here if im still here ill give you a ride.">>

That's still roughly the same as saying "okay". IOW, you're starting off by saying no, but then saying yes.

>> just addresses the drama with her and her sis. her sis hates me FOR NO REASON >>

Is she telling you that her sister hates you?

That's a flag, dude. That's likely the set up for her dumping you coming down the road. Just a heads up.

>> so my girl never really apologizes so i was confused. >>

But of course she didn't apologize. For what? You permit her to get away with crap.

>> so i asked i could be wrong... she said oh my god i am soo sorry. your right, its just everything happend soo fast. i am really sooo sorry>>

Oh man, c'mon. You don't see she's not sincere? I mean, a minute ago she's void of all apologies because she doesn't feel sorry about anything, and then suddenly she's apologetic? And it's not even a real apology, because she's feigning that it all "happened so fast", like it's not her fault, not accepting repsonsibility. So, if it's not her fault and just the circumstances, how can genuinely apologize for it?

>> i told her i am giving her an assignment and i want her to make me an apology card >>

That comes from you, not from her heart. It doesn't show any contrition, it's more like her being made to serve community service. It's more of a punishment then it is an act that shows regret.

>> i snooped on her phone this morning >>

Because you feel she can't be trusted? Well, if there's "no doubt she's into you"... then why?

Your ego's getting in your way dude.

 

[Tazman]

^^ Excellent observations. You cannot "negotiate" feelings, ever. If you coerce someone into an apology, it isn't genuine.

You aren't in a committed relationship, yet you're treating it like one. Everything you did after the fact lets her know that she has the upper-hand now. She's appeasing your ego and you're eating it up, every bit of it. Don't allow yourself to be fooled by this.

 

[Romjuan]

so what course of action r u suggesting? that was my orignal question: what do u do when a girl does something u feel is disrepctful.

 

[DJDamage]

so what course of action r u suggesting? that was my orignal question: what do u do when a girl does something u feel is disrepctful.

I often found that if there is a genuine interest from the girl, that if you pull back a bit and start acting disinterested after a bad behaviour (stop calling as often, stop hanging around her as often) she might begin to panic and she will associate the two together (disinterest as result of her behaviour) and thus will attempt to make it up to you by being nicer, while not pulling the same sh1t in the future.

However if you pull back and she does nothing to attempt to bridge the gap then don't expect things to get better....

 

[cordoncordon]

You guys are all making a mountain out of a mole hill. Seriously. You are analyzing her behavior like a bunch of school girls.

They arent even bf/gf. They were both out with different sets of friends. There was no set time and place to meet. It was just assumed by her that they would hook up after the night was over.

What is the big deal? Let it go. You guys could never date girls in the 18-27 range, because they are ALL like this nowadays. Just go with the flow. No drama, especially the self induced kind, which is whats happening here.

And OP, looking in her cell phone? You are hooked on this girl as proven by you getting upset Sat night for nothing, and then for looking on her phone.

Sounds to me like shes just a fun girl out having......fun. You should be having fun right along with her and stop sweating the small stuff.

 

[STR8UP]

The second she said something about riding with him it went from an ambigous situation that could be taken one way or another, to a situation where the chick displayed an obvious lack of respect.

If a chick says something like that and then prances off to another bar, it's disrespectful.

What would STR8UP do?

I would do what Damage recommended and let her cool off for awhile and think about things. She won't directly associate her flaky behavior with your withdrawal, and you don't want her to anyway because in a woman's mind she can do no wrong, and it WILL be construed as controlling, possessive behavior whether that is warranted or not.

The trick is to pull away and not say sh!t. You talk, you lose. You lose value and you lose respect, because women can only be trained with rewards and punishments.

You can't train women like you train animals because animals have respect for you as a master, women generally do not. You can't train them like children because children are often better at realizing when they did something wrong. You can't hold someone accountable to you unless they are first accountable to themselves.

This is why the only, and I mean the ONLY thing you can do is do a takeaway which you do not directly associate with the transgression.

 

[Colossus]

I agree with Str8up.

If you are her ride home, it IS disrespectful for her to go galavanting out to other bars without you, then just say she'll call. That's how you get your as$ left.

What would Colossus do? Not agree to be someone's taxi in the first place. Or, if I did say I'd give her a ride, we leave when I am ready to leave. Sorry, that's how bumming a ride works.

And Rom---snooping through her phone?!?! You need to check yourself immediately. This is dangerous behavior.

 

[decades]

Let me point to a most excellent post by our brother, Jeffst1980.

In particular, where he makes this excellent observation and states a relevant truth:

"we are fully capable of AVOIDING being put in the value-compromising positions that many of the first time posters that frequent this site are placed... "

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=158090

If I had a dollar for everytime over the years I've heard a variation of this story. The story goes like this: "She asked me to hang out because she needs a ride home. So, me being the nice guy, I did. She danced with her friends, drank, I kinda just sat there and waited, nursing a drink. She basically ignored me. So, five hours later, at the end of the night, she asked me to drop off six of her girlfriends first, so I did. Then we got to her place, I dropped her off and she said she was really tired, so I went home."

Could've avoided the whole thing by closing Pandora's box when it opened a crack when she put in her request. But some guys invite this abuse upon themselves, willing to standby for hours just for a chance to get laid.

That's why it's called "Pus$y Power" I guess.

And who gives those women that "power"? The guy that says, "okay!" or the guy who says, "Nah, thanks, but no".

I'll tell you exactly why guys stick around and drive their girl home. Because they are "watching" her and making daamn sure she isn't go home with the alpha male or the tyler durden or Mystery clone. So he will dutifully wait, let her get drunk, watch her, and then drop her off at home or back at his place where she will probably pass out and be in no mood for hanky panky, then, or at 1100am in the morning when she wakes up. If any of you DJs and your GF spend time drinking in bars and regularly let alcohol intrude on things, then bad things are destined to happen to this so called "relationship". Count on it.

 

[Tazman]

What is the big deal? Let it go. You guys could never date girls in the 18-27 range, because they are ALL like this nowadays. Just go with the flow.

In the grand scheme of things, sure it wasn't a big deal, but at the same time I've said this exact thing to myself "just go with the flow" and it landed me the short end of the stick more times than not.

The OP did certainly get treated as a third wheel, which was kind of his own doing because he was never asked to come there, but he expected a little more "courtesy" rather than just being left at the bar looking like a chump for being "courteous" toward her by agreeing to give her a ride. She took him for granted and thought nothing about it.

Age doesn't really have anything to do with it in this case, you either care or you don't. Some people have higher standards when it comes to respect and if this episode bothered him that much, I think it's worth addressing. He's basically saying that "hey, if you ask me do you a favor, don't just leave me hanging without showing some appreciation". I think it's valid.

 

[Romjuan]

I often found that if there is a genuine interest from the girl, that if you pull back a bit and start acting disinterested after a bad behaviour (stop calling as often, stop hanging around her as often) she might begin to panic and she will associate the two together (disinterest as result of her behaviour) and thus will attempt to make it up to you by being nicer, while not pulling the same sh1t in the future.

However if you pull back and she does nothing to attempt to bridge the gap then don't expect things to get better....

if she asks "is something wrong ? y r u acting different?" do u address the problem and tell her what u didnt like? and u also said to not call as much and see her as much. does this imply u still see her and hang out with her?

 

[Romjuan]

just read ur guys al other comments. its good stuff. djdamage and collases great advice. i hope i can revert to these takeaways in the future. contrary to popular belief im certain she wants to get back into a relationship. i checked the phone bcuz i wantd to see if there was anything sneaky going on. i should have never done it and i never have before but whats done is done.

 

[jophil28]

That's why it's called "Pus$y Power" I guess.

And who gives those women that "power"? The guy that says, "okay!" or the guy who says, "Nah, thanks, but no".

Agreed. Her behavior is not so much "disrspectful" as it is "manipulative".
Attractive women learn VERY early in their teen years to dangle a whiff of pvssy at a guy and then manipulate him into being her obedient slave for as long as she wishes. THat happens until he gets the ******( rare) OR realises that he is being scammed....and often posts here in a state of confusion and resentment, like the OP.

The best guideline is to NEVER stay around waiting for a woman who is partying with OTHERs.. YOu are NOT her main priority..You are merely an option, and a convenience to be exploited at the end of the night if SHE decides to let you drive her home.
Inevitably she will feel " tired" just about the moment that you swing into her street.

Once bitten. twice shy .

 

[jophil28]

If any of you DJs and your GF spend time drinking in bars and regularly let alcohol intrude on things, then bad things are destined to happen to this so called "relationship". Count on it.

Exactly. Nothing of value ever comes from one of these "events" which are fueled by booze.
Heavy drinking by a woman SHOULD be a disqualifier.
Two drinks MAX for her or I am out of there.

 

[DJDamage]

if she asks "is something wrong ? y r u acting different?" do u address the problem and tell her what u didnt like?

That's the thing, you don't act differently in your behaviour. If you sulk or act mad you are coming from a position of weakness and you aren't in control of the situation.

With woman you only address the problem when there is blatant act of disrespect. Not everything needs to be addressed and can be corrected as Str8up said by training your girl.

By pulling back you are essentially reversing the table on her. Its equivelent to the times when you accidently piss your girlfriend off and all of the sudden you are in a room with her and she isn't speaking to you. You then ask her if everything is ok and she answers: "Everything is Fine".

We all know that she ain't fine but when the guy tries to correct his behaviour in order for his girl to stop being mad at him, he's essentially being trained by her!! and that's why many men in relationships turn into wusses.

and u also said to not call as much and see her as much. does this imply u still see her and hang out with her?

Yes but only on your own terms. If she invites you to some bullsh1t nightclub with her friends again, make up some excuse that you are busy and you will get back to her.