What do I do about this (Been seeing a girl with bf/She says she will leave him/Sex)

[bobbates]

Hi,

I am 31 / She is 25 (We are long distance).

Bit of a mad situation i am in atm,

Been talking to this girl online for many years, We got emotionally close, Have met a few times...

However she has a boyfriend (But she claims she does not love him anymore, Loves me and wants to be with me)

The thing is, She keeps saying she needs more time (the reasons I have been told is - she is scared she will end up on her own if she does that and needs to be sure of my feelings and that she can trust me)

This has been going on a while now and she keeps saying its the distance (which I can sort but have not yet) and also that shes so scared she will end up alone).

As far as I can tell she is not sleeping with him anymore - she says this, also I know her schedule and when she is home we are on webcam together the whole time, and he has stopped coming to her house at her request and she has distanced herself a lot from him and no longer goes places with him alone...

Also we have now had sex the last time we met (a few days ago) and I could tell its been a while since anything has been in there - im not sure how just can.


I had been asking her a lot before that to leave him so we can be together properlly but I was just getting "I need time to sort it all out".

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Now we have slept together does this change anything at all or not?

She says its made her trust me a lot more and also fall for me more - but she is still with this guy (she has not seen him in person yet, and won't until the weekend - and does not want to do it over the phone or text.

but also has not said when she will do it - just that she will - but I have no time - and she said to stop bugging her about it but she will do it)

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I know the standard replys will be - if she did it with you she will do it to you - which is fair enough but I don't think its that simple this time - I mean the guy litterlly doesnt cuddle her / kiss her - show any emotions at all - treats her like a friend and so does she because of it - but she will won't leave him for some reason (distance between us / scared is all I have atm - she litterlly said she feels like she does towards her friends to him - and that she is with him still so she can "say she has a bf"

(I realise thats not the best charictor to have tbh but I do genuinlly think she is scared, every one of her bfs have treated her like s**t and i've seen this for myself)

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The problem is it bugs me a lot - because I do love her (I know) - and I do think she loves me (regardlless of all this) - I just wish she would see sense and just end things with him or tell him what happend.

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I know you will all think it would be a bad idea to have her as a girlfriend but I have gone over all the risks in my head many times and I don't think she would be doing any of this if he actually had shown her some emotions and love - she stuck with him for 6 years before any of this happend.

I think she is with him because she thinks she will end up alone (don't know how when im here) and he is with her so he isn't alone as well.

(also he is local I am not)

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Me and her are basiclly in a relationship without the public label (although its not completlly private - and we call eachother bf/gf and say "I love you" and many more things - in fact its a full relationship except for the whole label, and also the fact he is still on the scene - we both conduct ourselves as if we were in a proper relationship - but there is still this thorn in it all.

She has told him she loves me, has said it in front of him, does not say it to him.

We have now had sex but I don't know if she will tell him that - I wish she would end it though especially now.

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The whole thing seems rediclous to me now, especially since we are basiclly together and they are not - and she is sleeping with me (it will happen again) and not him, but she can't seem to bring herself to pull the trigger out of fear or guilt.

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Our last convo about it went like this...

Her: I said I am doing it, Just please dont bug me about it all the time, I know what im doing so thats it - I love you"

Me: Ok its just the right thing to do now is all im saying, Plus im hoping your not capible of staying with someone after thats happend (sex), It would be really bad to do that, Really hope thats not who you are.

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Sorry for this post being so long, But I really do want her to be my girlfriend and she (apparentlly) wants that too.

I know its risky as hell which is why I have been watching what shes like apart from this - I do genually trust her at a level of 90% - the other 10% is because now we have done this she needs to show me she won't stay with a guy afterwards (esp since whats happend has happend)

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What do I do or say now? I do feel like she is becoming mine - but also that she may never let go of the other branch - again I know the risks and am comftable with them - I'm not comftable with all this "other bf" stuff though even if it is just a label.

Thank you in advance.

BobBates

TLR...

* Im 31 shes 25

* We are long distance

* She already has a bf but he shows her nothing more than a friend and they don't sleep together

* We both love eachother

* She keeps saying she will end things with him but needs time

* We are in a relationship without the label - we are both only sleeping with each other and do everything else relationship wise

* I know the risks of making her my girlfriend and cheating - and think they are minimal for reasons stated in my post

* What do I do or say now we have had sex? I want her to leave this guy and be mine (bf destroyers dont work - ive tried) - But she is scared and does not like the distance - yet they do nothing together and we do.

Thanks again...

BobBates

 

[Rainman4707]

...Well you can't force her to leave him so wait & see.
She's had sex with you. That's good.

It's up to her now.

 

[El Suave]

she is scared she will end up on her own if she does that and needs to be sure of my feelings and that she can trust me............she keeps saying its the distance (which I can sort but have not yet) and also that she's so scared she will end up alone

She is making you see her as this angel, pure and innocent that is afraid to be alone cause everybody is out to get her. BS. Why would a normal adult be afraid of being alone? This to me spells that she is constantly seeking male attention.

Now we have slept together does this change anything at all or not?

Yes it does. Up until know you were the backup and now the other guy is. You are the main man. Don't be too happy about it, you can easily be replaced anytime.

I mean the guy litterlly doesnt cuddle her / kiss her - show any emotions at all - treats her like a friend and so does she because of it - but she will won't leave him for some reason

Think about why she won't leave him. She know she deserves to be treated that way and nothing more. Insecurity! Run from insecure women, they are trouble.

I know you will all think it would be a bad idea to have her as a girlfriend but I have gone over all the risks in my head many times and I don't think she would be doing any of this if he actually had shown her some emotions and love - she stuck with him for 6 years before any of this happend.

You didn't get too many replies so far because people see that you are determined to be with her at all cost, and they don't agree. Neither do I, but it's not my problem. I'll try to help you with what I can.
She stuck with the guy for 6 years cause he treated her like dirt. You don't like hearing that, right? That's how it goes. With you she will last 2 months! Read that again! You're a good guy, with a good heart and you need to understand that women say that's what they want but they never go for it. They love the guy that puts them in their place and gives them security along with insecurity. You only provide security, which should be awesome, but women are nucking futs and don't know what they want.

Her: I said I am doing it, Just please dont bug me about it all the time, I know what im doing so thats it - I love you"

Me: Ok its just the right thing to do now is all im saying, Plus im hoping your not capible of staying with someone after thats happend (sex), It would be really bad to do that, Really hope thats not who you are.

Here, you are begging her to leave the other guy and be with you. Deep down inside you have a feeling that she is still sleeping with him. Don't beg, and trust your gut. Trust what it says to you right now.

But she is scared and does not like the distance - yet they do nothing together and we do.

Again you believe when she says she is scared and she is an angel. STOP believing what women say and LOOK at her actions. You are being played my friend. Keep telling yourself they do nothing together and you do. I was the other guy that treated the girl like dirt for 6 years. You know why? Not because I liked it and I'm a maniac, but because everytime I was being good to her she was acting like a b*tch. When I treated her just like a c*mbucket she cooked for me, cleaned, and never argued. I also didn't take her anywhere, but to bed. She complained to everybody how bad I treat her, even to my parents. I would just laugh cause she always came back.
You know how I got rid of her? I told her I love her. Within a few months she found somebody else. I kinda had a feeling it was going to go down that way and I let it happen, because I want to be with a normal person and not somebody that I have to be an a**hole to, to keep them around.
Might want to reflect a little on what I said here and always look at her actions and NOT what she says.

Geez, you got me to write a lot....