Was She Just Broken or Did She Have BPD? (Breakup Story)

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#1
**Summary**: I was recently in a 4 month dating situation where a woman went from buying me gifts, affection, etc and being my girlfriend to breaking up with me, telling me she's not ready and becoming distant until I took my power back for lack of a better word. In the end, I wanted a relationship and she didn't seem ready but was I crazy all this time? Any feedback or advice for how to move forward would be great.



**Hey folks**, I'm new to this forum but have been here before.



I'm a successful **no contact survivor** and recovered greatly by using all the tools here to get over a previous relationship. To all those going through recent breakups, stay strong. You will be fine and this is a great place.



A few months ago, I got involved with a woman at work who kind of flirted with me. I followed up on it and we started going out. Things started going fast. We both really liked each other.



She told me within a month and a half of the whatever you want to call what we were doing that this is the strongest she's felt about someone in two years since her last relationship. Her last relationship ended in the guy cheating on her with \*\*two dozen \[24\]\*\*women. I repeat, two dozen. She also comes from a family environment that while their parents are still together, the dad wasn't the most loving and he was abusive early on towards the mom.



**Here's the quick bullet points about our relationship.**



\- We started dating in Aug



\- In September, about a month and a half in, I asked the girl what does she see this as? Because I wasn't looking to just **** a co-worker. I wanted to work towards something. We didn't have to jump in a relationship that day but at least commit towards building to one.



\- She replied that she wasn't ready yet and would like to take things slow, see each other less and just enjoy each other. She also told me she spoke to her therapist about me who she sees once a week. She said her therapist asked her if she liked me. She replied yes. Her therapist then said: "If you like him this means you will sabotage this." **RED FLAG #1.**



\- **Sidebar**: We are having unprotected sex \[or were\] because we were exclusive on that level \[just sex\].



\- Within the next week of telling me to take things slow, she asked me to dinner 2x and asked me to sleep over 3x. Myself? I was confused. But I liked the girl so went with it. In my head I was thinking, this isn't slow this is FAST.



\- Fast forward two weeks in early October and she tells me I want to be your girlfriend. I say "are you sure?" She goes yes.



\- She then buys me a $500 wallet which i couldn't accept and she was offended. Started taking me to dinners non stop and we would switch moments where we would pay the bills and she would always talk about going on vacation with me. Everything was going fairly well in the opening stages of at least officially being a couple.



\- Within I'd say two weeks, we got into the silliest argument. It was over me not responding to a few facetime calls because I was out at dinner. I figure this was part of her insecurity with relationships due to her past. I told her I was at a dinner and I tried ringing her when done but she was asleep. She knew about the dinner beforehand. I also got the vibe that her FACETIME calls were less about loving facetime throughout our relationship \[if you want to call it that\] but more about knowing where I am at. I went to her house to discuss it and we argued and she proceeded to throw me out. I left and she then claimed she didn't mean to throw me out.



\- She proceeded to break up with me over this. This is mid to late October.



\- She then tells me she's not ready for a relationship. I'm like ok. At this point, I could have easily walked away but i was so fn confused. One minute it felt like she was in love. The next minute it felt like she was trying to control her feelings and how i perceived her feelings.



\- We entered a weird period of periodic texting, etc.



\- Things picked back up and we continued having sex. Sleeping over each other's house etc. This is last month. She started buying me stuff again, asking me to go away to LA with her, talked about getting a joint xmas tree, etc and we had sex and she whispered I LOVE YOU. I said "what did you say?" She replies quickly: "nothing nothing i didn't say anything."



\- I'm like wtf is this mind**** going on.



\- The following week she was completely different. She was a little removed and wouldn't respond all the time. So I decided to take a step back.



\- When she would text me, I replied hours later. I wouldn't pick up all her calls nor would jump at sex when she wanted. The phone calls increased, facetimes, etc.



\- She starts taking me out for massages, dinners and all this ****. I'm sure most guys would be like **** this is the life. But after 5 months of dating with no commitment and a breakup for a ridiculous reason and all the rollercoaster of emotions with her, I was feeling i needed to take a step back so i took the approach i listed above.



\- As I mentioned she started breathing down my neck BUT ONE THING happened that caused this to finally end this weekend. Her questions....



\- Are you dating anyone?



\- Are you sleeping with anyone?



\- Do you want to buy a xmas tree together?



\- The real/fake I love you she said



\- Do you want me to travel with you?



\- The constant affection \[sans kissing\] which ill explain



All of this was a mind**** and it all came to a head this past week. It felt like she kept asking all these questions to see where my head was at or as affirmation for her to feel better about her insecure self. I'm assuming all these questions started happening because she felt i was drifting away.



We were at a restaurant and she kept asking me the questions above. I never asked her these questions because I trust her and two I have no right to because there's no commitment. So I'm like why the **** are you asking me this when you aren't committed nor want commitment? I say to her if you are untrustworthy of me or something just tell me to put on a condom or just leave the situation.



I honestly feel all these questions were due to her insecurity.



It was insane she would hold my hand, hook my arm, rub my neck, hug me and any time i'd go for a kiss on the lips she pulled back. She'd make some excuse and I'm like wtf you get girlfriend benefits but I get nothing. She'd ask me if i missed her while she was away for thanksgiving and I said yes. I'd ask her she'd skirt the question.



This past weekend, I finally told her this isn't working for me anymore. I care about her but it's either she wants in or out. She went on to say that it seems we can't be happy in a gray area and it's best for us to move on. I'm not even hurt because I sort of laid everything out on the table but I'm sort of like:



What the **** did I just go through in these last 4 months?



If you ask me, I dealt with a broken woman who liked me who like her therapist said would eventually sabotage this and while I am a little down I'm thinking I dodged a bullet in this one. In the end, we work together so its weird and will be for a while though we dont interact much there but does this girl have the profile of someone who would potentially try to sneak their way back in?
 

RangerMIke

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#2
Not BPD. This gets tossed around a lot of this board, but the way to tell if someone REALLY has BPD, is that their mood and behavior changes within a day. One minute they are great... next minute she's a screaming crazy b!tch... on and off like a light switch. Unless you have actually REALLY lived with someone with BPD, you might mistake chick behavior as some kind of mental illness.

Your chick does have a great deal of emotional BS she needs to work though, although it could also be she has a medical, hormone related disorder, so it's good she is getting help. But none of this is your problem... you made the right call and you need to walk away from this quickly. Don't worry about her... she will find another dude to be Captain Save-a-Hoe, she will forget about you fast... so fast you won't believe it.

Just a couple of words of advice... always wear a condom.... as bad as you think all this was it could have been a life altering nightmare if a kid is involved... thrust me I know... I had to spend a small fortune to get custody of my kids from a no sh!t certified lunatic. And if you don't think that is a problem, then STDs are real... and you might think your crazy chick is loyal, but you are gambling with your health.
 

sazc

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#3
One explanation is that she got cold feet.

The idea of being close to someone is a goal we seem to run after. The reality of finding that someone means that we then have to let them in emotionally, physically, mentally.

Allowing someone in can end up feeling overwhelming, so people run away. "I'm not ready"
 
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#4
Not BPD. This gets tossed around a lot of this board, but the way to tell if someone REALLY has BPD, is that their mood and behavior changes within a day. One minute they are great... next minute she's a screaming crazy b!tch... on and off like a light switch. Unless you have actually REALLY lived with someone with BPD, you might mistake chick behavior as some kind of mental illness.

Your chick does have a great deal of emotional BS she needs to work though, although it could also be she has a medical, hormone related disorder, so it's good she is getting help. But none of this is your problem... you made the right call and you need to walk away from this quickly. Don't worry about her... she will find another dude to be Captain Save-a-Hoe, she will forget about you fast... so fast you won't believe it.

Just a couple of words of advice... always wear a condom.... as bad as you think all this was it could have been a life altering nightmare if a kid is involved... thrust me I know... I had to spend a small fortune to get custody of my kids from a no sh!t certified lunatic. And if you don't think that is a problem, then STDs are real... and you might think your crazy chick is loyal, but you are gambling with your health.
So outside of the trusting non condom use I wasn’t insane in feeling like this girl was taking me through the weirdest of rollercoasters right?
 
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#5
One explanation is that she got cold feet.

The idea of being close to someone is a goal we seem to run after. The reality of finding that someone means that we then have to let them in emotionally, physically, mentally.

Allowing someone in can end up feeling overwhelming, so people run away. "I'm not ready"
So you don’t think I did anything wrong here right? It just felt like she was love bombing me one minute and the next detaching. I don’t doubt her like or love but I was just confused as ****.
 

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sazc

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#6
So you don’t think I did anything wrong here right? It just felt like she was love bombing me one minute and the next detaching. I don’t doubt her like or love but I was just confused as ****.
So, I answered based on your tldr.

Let me say this, if SHE was running hot and cold, secure and insecure, and your behavior was steady and reliable, it's on her.

If you reflect back and see areas for your personal improvement, take that knowledge and move forward.

Always remember, being with someone shouldn't be a constant rollercoaster. Every now and then issues will come up and require work, but a relationship should NOT be constant drama. If it is then it's dysfunctional and you need to move on.
 

LARaiders85

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#8
Histrionic personality. shallow emotions that burn hot in the moment, push/pull, only wants you when you're distant, thinks/acts like relationships are more serious than they actually are, highly suggestible, ABSOLUTELY LOVE THE AMBIGUITY OF NON-EXCLUSIVITY BECAUSE THEY CAN GET ATTENTION FROM MANY MEN
 
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#9
Histrionic personality. shallow emotions that burn hot in the moment, push/pull, only wants you when you're distant, thinks/acts like relationships are more serious than they actually are, highly suggestible, ABSOLUTELY LOVE THE AMBIGUITY OF NON-EXCLUSIVITY BECAUSE THEY CAN GET ATTENTION FROM MANY MEN
Makes total sense. Sucks to read but when I pulled away she was up my ass outside of the idealization stage when she was all over me. Just a complete mind****.
 

RangerMIke

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#10
So outside of the trusting non condom use I wasn’t insane in feeling like this girl was taking me through the weirdest of rollercoasters right?
Well yes... I suppose. But really you should have called things off as soon as dating this chick became more work than fun. It is your choice to ride the 'roller-coaster'. If you think the ride is fun... then sure stay on it, but it doesn't sound like you were having 'fun'. There are some guys that like this sort of thing... that it is an acceptable trade-off to get s3x and some dudes like feeling needed. For me personally, I'm really too old (51) to have any patience at all for this.

One thing to note for any dudes reading this thread. Women love attention and validation.... if you give them attention and pander to negative behavior of chicks... that is EXACTLY what she will do to get your attention. If you withhold validation and attention unless the chick is behaving appropriately, then guess what? If she likes you she will behave better, it really is that simple. Women are like children... anytime you see a kid acting up in public screaming and pitching a fit because mommy won't buy candy for them.. then it is the mom's fault because she always gives in to them when they act up. When my kids were little and we would go shopping, if they behaved themselves I would let them pick out something when we left. I trained them to behave well in public. You have to train your chick the same way. Reward her when she is doing what you want. But you can not 'punish' her, not in today's society.

When she is acting in a way you do not like, then you walk away with a smile on your face, don't get all butt hurt and stupid. Again if she is still interested in you, she will come back and behave. Now understand there is NO GUARANTEE she will come back, in fact in most cases she'll just go find some other poor S0B to make them miserable for her entertainment... and you have to be okay with that.
 
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oldmanofthesea

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#11
In September, about a month and a half in, I asked the girl what does she see this as?
I Don't have time to read the whole thread at the moment but this quickly jumped out at me. I've learned it is never a good idea to bring this up, ever. This is a topic for the woman to concern herself with, not the man. She must bring it up. Your asking about relationship status and direction is not masculine and will appear needy and feminine to a woman. It communicates a lack of options on your side, that you want to hurry up and "lock her down." She should want to lock YOU down. Not the other way around. You gave up a lot of power here by asking her that and her response of "not ready yet" is clear proof of the turn-off.

Your goal as a man is to enjoy her company, enjoy her sexually, be in the moment, and try to show her a good time (as part of you enjoying her). If you do this and she wants something deeper with you, she will bring it up and tell you.

I learned this lesson in the past. I still make the mistake in that sometimes a woman will bring the subject up, and I will assume she is bringing it up because she wants something serious so I'll be a little less cryptic in my response than I normally would be, and even that ends up being a mistake. She may not be bringing it up because she wants more. She may bring it up because she is fishing for validation, or even because she senses you may want more and she doesnt. So never assume. It's like a sad game of chicken where she must always go first. Keep asking her questions until she states her CLEAR desire. Until then, never say anything that communicates your relationship desires with her (assuming you have them).
 
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#13
I Don't have time to read the whole thread at the moment but this quickly jumped out at me. I've learned it is never a good idea to bring this up, ever. This is a topic for the woman to concern herself with, not the man. She must bring it up. Your asking about relationship status and direction is not masculine and will appear needy and feminine to a woman. It communicates a lack of options on your side, that you want to hurry up and "lock her down." She should want to lock YOU down. Not the other way around. You gave up a lot of power here by asking her that and her response of "not ready yet" is clear proof of the turn-off.

Your goal as a man is to enjoy her company, enjoy her sexually, be in the moment, and try to show her a good time (as part of you enjoying her). If you do this and she wants something deeper with you, she will bring it up and tell you.

I learned this lesson in the past. I still make the mistake in that sometimes a woman will bring the subject up, and I will assume she is bringing it up because she wants something serious so I'll be a little less cryptic in my response than I normally would be, and even that ends up being a mistake. She may not be bringing it up because she wants more. She may bring it up because she is fishing for validation, or even because she senses you may want more and she doesnt. So never assume. It's like a sad game of chicken where she must always go first. Keep asking her questions until she states her CLEAR desire. Until then, never say anything that communicates your relationship desires with her (assuming you have them).
My main thing was she was buying me so much ****, introducing me to friends, FaceTiming me with her parents. I was confused and just brought it up cause the behavior screamed relationship. She was doing all this girlfriend **** and asking me all these questions about if I’m dating others that it just tripped me out
 

oldmanofthesea

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#14
You are right to recognize those as generally good signs in terms of her wanting a relationship, though face timing you with her parents after such a short time together sounds a bit odd. But even still, I'd wait until she tells you she wants something serious before talking about it. She likely did all those things to "hook" you and once you told her you were hooked (by asking her your relationship question), suddenly she loses interest.

Anyway, time to give her some distance. Don't respond to her for a couple days. Start talking to other women.
 
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#15
Got it. I just wanted to relay that part bec
You are right to recognize those as generally good signs in terms of her wanting a relationship, though face timing you with her parents after such a short time together sounds a bit odd. But even still, I'd wait until she tells you she wants something serious before talking about it. She likely did all those things to "hook" you and once you told her you were hooked (by asking her your relationship question), suddenly she loses interest.

Anyway, time to give her some distance. Don't respond to her for a couple days. Start talking to other women.
Got it. I just wanted to share that because she feels somewhat love bombing and narcissistic
 
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#16
You are right to recognize those as generally good signs in terms of her wanting a relationship, though face timing you with her parents after such a short time together sounds a bit odd. But even still, I'd wait until she tells you she wants something serious before talking about it. She likely did all those things to "hook" you and once you told her you were hooked (by asking her your relationship question), suddenly she loses interest.

Anyway, time to give her some distance. Don't respond to her for a couple days. Start talking to other women.
One last question should I fear a Hoover from her and how would you react?
 

resilient

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#17
One last question should I fear a Hoover from her and how would you react?
Never fear a hoover. She's just a woman. Working on IDGAF attitude, detach from the outcome... you won't feel "triggered" when she hits you up. All of that is easier if you're out there exercising your plate options and pursuing your mission and purpose in life beyond women.
 

oldmanofthesea

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#18
^ This. Nothing you can do about it if she goes down that road.... It's not up to you, it's up to her. Obviously you hope she won't do it but you can't prevent her from doing it by trying to stay together or "let her down easy" or whatever.
 

Spaz

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#20
If you block her on all platforms it's less likely. When I blocked HPDs they didn't really hoover.
You couldn't resist assigning a mental illness syndrome to every problem men has with women don't you.

Perhaps it's you with some dysfunctional syndrome that I'm too lazy to look up but for the moment let's call it victim mentality.

Other men are giving proactive advice whilst you are in the reactive frame - the victim.
 
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