Waiter Hits on Wife

[Bokanovsky]

What the b!tch did is highly disrespectful, and she knows it too. In fact, it sounds like she did it on purpose, to get a reaction out of you. You are right not to blame the waiter...what else is he supposed to do when you wife is blatantly flirting with him? it's his job to be friendly to his customers.

On side note, you married a girl who is a "flirt" and works at a nail salon. WHY ON EARTH???

 

[mrgoodstuff]

What the b!tch did is highly disrespectful, and she knows it too. In fact, it sounds like she did it on purpose, to get a reaction out of you. You are right not to blame the waiter...what else is he supposed to do when you wife is blatantly flirting with him? it's his job to be friendly to his customers.

On side note, you married a girl who is a "flirt" and works at a nail salon. WHY ON EARTH???

Nail salon, hair dresser same difference. They are ontop the town gossip and acting upon it occasionally.
.

BTW. Your lady was getting a power rush of extasy by doing this to you. I wonder if some of the 3rd wave initiatives have this type of thing in a book. They effed things up enough relationship doesnt make sense and if you do may as well be swingers.

 

[Dr.Suave]

Divorce her. Seriously.

 

[Cejay]

I appreciate the input my bros, but I'm not looking for advice on how to alpha other dudes. I'm good with that, which is how I got her. And I could have very easily put the waiter in his place, though not without putting her in her place, too, because she started and continued to prompt the conversation.

Nope. You're not good at it. If you WERE good at it, you would have. When its time to alpha you don't worry about the other guy or your gal's feelings.

 

[Cejay]

Adding, that you could totally have cut her off and put him in his place - you need to do this next time.

 

[stovepipe]

I can tell you if her actions brought you here to post about it, things arent going to magically get better with time. All the red flags have been waving in front of your face for years. You either leave her with your sanity intact, or drag this marriage out to the point where it wont end well for you.

 

[glass half full]

I strongly agree with several posts here...but honestly in my experience, esp. since you don't have kids I'd go file for a D.

I've been in this situation and let me tell you it doesn't get better, and as far as calling her out on it it's a Catch-22.

The jealousy game caused by her, in my experience is a game you can't win and one she will keep you well reminded on.

She's a conniving and controlling sort so, as Paul Elam would likely say, "ditch the *****".

 

[glass half full]

^^ Furthermore, my advice is never to even speak of what made you make this decision. Ever.
Because she will tell people, if you do. Not good...
Just say "irreconcilable differences in values". That is all anyone needs to know.

 

[stovepipe]

 

[Trump]

She's pretty and outgoing and can sometimes come across as a flirt, which I attribute to her being the only girl in her family and a bit of a tomboy.

I attribute it to her needing validation and attention from good looking men.

The problem I need help with is this: We went out for dinner to an Italian restaurant and it felt like her and the waiter were flirting. I don't know how to respond because I don't want to come across as jealous or a control freak.

You can respond without coming across as being jealous or a control freak.

One problem in our marriage has been that she has never seemed to be able to recognize when a guy is hitting on her or how some of her conduct comes across as leading on or flirtatious.

Your wife can recognize how to: date you for 4 years, have sex with you regularly, get engaged, say vows in front 500 friends and family, get married, go on a honeymoon, come back, put the pictures on Facebook, begin to go to work and start a life with you.

Yet can’t recognize when a guy is hitting on her?

Come on bro, work with us, we will work with you.

When we went out to this Italian restaurant, she told the waiter (a dude about my age in his late 20s) that he looked familiar. She asked him some background questions and from his reaction, he seemed to take her inquiry as interest in him which, in my opinion, he appeared to return.

Why didn’t you say anything?

He barely acknowledged me after that, and I could tell from his body language and communication that he he was interested in her.

Your wife barely acknowledged you when she asked him the questions. From her body language and communication she was interested in him.

Long story short. She shared where she works out, where she works, and it just bothers me knowing that if the tables were turned, if I had prompted a conversation with a female waitress who had said some of the stuff the dude had said, my wife would probably have already angrily accused me of flirting and it would have devolved into a fight.

That’s not what bothers you. What bothers you is that your wife INITIATED it and told him what he wanted to know, and you just sat there and TOOK it.

So here I am. 4am, can't ****ing sleep because I don't know how to talk to her about this without coming across as jealous or controlling.

I don’t know how you guys get young women to MARRY you. and then think like this. What do you put some drugs in their coffee and they say yes?

What does talking to her have to do with being jealous and controlling?

But it bother me and I want to be able to talk to her about anything, as my wife, with no secrets. And if the situation were reversed, I would want her to tell me because I wouldn't want her to feel upset and bottle it.

I don’t know how you guys get young women to MARRY you and then think like this. What do you put some drugs in their coffee and they say yes?

Yeah bro, make sure you tell your wife EVERYTHING, no secrets. She won’t use it against you or anything when she runs off with the waiter.

I also feel disrespected knowing that the waiter didn't seem to give a **** that he was flirty even though I was right there.

That’s not what bothers you. What bothers you is that this random waiter wanted to f your wife, and you just sat there and TOOK it.

I'm frustrated that my wife can be so jealous of the smallest interactions I have, or assume a woman is hitting on me, but she can't seem to see when she is leading on or recognize when a dude is flirting.

That’s not what bothers you. What bothers you is that this random waiter wanted to f your wife, and you just sat there and TOOK it.

I come from a family that really communicated and my parents were staunch Christian, so married boundaries were strict and standards were high. But I'm not religious anymore.

Why not?

I don't believe quite the same as my parents, but my wife's parents didn't show good communication and never conveyed specific marriage boundaries and standards. So on one hand the role models I had were too strict and my wife's role models didn't really role model. So we're struggling to define healthy boundaries and standards of expectations.

You are not struggling to define healthy boundaries. You are struggling because you are a Weak man. You wife flirted in front of you because she knew you would just sit there. Now you are about to explode because you didn’t do anything.

Next time bro, be a man.

 

[Roober]

I agree with glass and espi on this one. I'm guessing this has gone on for a while and you havent said anything, or at least not enough to make her stop.

I am not sure the best approach. Maybe call them out, like "hey bro. You should ask for her number". Or I may even flirt with a woman like crazy in front of her at the next opportunity.

Some women are naturally more friendly, which can come across as flirty. However, if she respects you, she wouldnt dare openly flirt in front of you. If the guy is flirting, then it is very likely she is giving him IOI (indicators of interest), instead of looking away or keeping her interactions with men strictly platonic.

Also, if men are consistently flirting with you around, I recommend evaluating your place on the food chain.

And a tip for marriage... each of you should be able to say anything in the marriage. You do not want to be with someone where you have to moderate your words.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

I agree with glass and espi on this one. I'm guessing this has gone on for a while and you havent said anything, or at least not enough to make her stop.

I am not sure the best approach. Maybe call them out, like "hey bro. You should ask for her number". Or I may even flirt with a woman like crazy in front of her at the next opportunity.

Some women are naturally more friendly, which can come across as flirty. However, if she respects you, she wouldnt dare openly flirt in front of you. If the guy is flirting, then it is very likely she is giving him IOI (indicators of interest), instead of looking away or keeping her interactions with men strictly platonic.

Also, if men are consistently flirting with you around, I recommend evaluating your place on the food chain.

And a tip for marriage... each of you should be able to say anything in the marriage. You do not want to be with someone where you have to moderate your words.

The way they do it saying something makes you look butthurt. Easier to do it back.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

The key to understanding what you need to do, is to understand what you have first.

Here are the summary points I get from your story.

• She flirts with guys often and in front of you.
• This is the latest in a series of these events, although a bit more blatant.
• She gave information to easily allow him to find her when you are not around.
• She made sure to let him know that she was interested in him.
• She did it all in front of you.

I can tell you right now that she has cheated on you, she has done it often, and that she has done it so much she is getting careless at covering her tracks.

She completely telegraphed to him her intent and made sure he knew how to execute on her intent. All while believing you were clueless.

No conversation will solve this for you. The harsh reality is that you made a mistake by committing to this woman, and it is time to prepare to cut your losses. I wish I had better news for you, but the sooner you cut out the cancer the better your chances of surviving.

Good luck brother and stay strong.

She's not fvcking all the guys she flirts with. But she is disrespecting him in his face. There is a huge power differential in her favor. It may have gone on so long shes unaware shes doing it to you. If you dont leave just do it back to her. Take your feelings out of her.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Of course she isn't fvcking all the guys she is flirting with.

But she HAS fvcked the men she has advertised herself too. And she will fvck this one too.

To be clear, she did not flirt with this guy, she advertised herself to him. There is a big difference.

What do you mean "the men she has advertised herself to?"

 

[speed dawg]

This is my opinion: OP should come across as being jealous because women want their man to feel insecure at times. Because this makes them feel DESIRED. And in my opinion there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

I am convinced that women actually LIKE it when their man CLAIMS them like a piece of territory.

Note: my acting jealous does NOT involve temper tantrums or drama. My way is to suddenly cut them off, like a lightswitch. Deny them the time and attention they desire.

I have acted jealous on too many first dates, eshewing weirdos, bartenders (female and male), drunks, etc. A lot of unwanted people--strangers, especially strangers with alcohol on their breath, seem to try to interrupt me while I'm having a drink or dinner with a woman.

ANYBODY who interrupts gets a clear signal, about 5 seconds in, that they're not welcome; if they're resilient/stupid enough to stick around, then I'll get this irritated-impatient look and say, "I'm gonna resume my date withis beautiful woman if you don't mind. Have a nice day." Then I maintain eye contact and silence until they leave.

This actually happens often when I'm out with women, and women often seem to love my acting jealous. And I will tell you that it is a GREAT feeling to show jealousy and the willingness to escalate nearer to the point of physical confrontation.

I have been on so many dates and I'm equal parts in wonder and amazement that I have never gotten into an all-out physical confrontation, but risking my livelihood and exhibiting jealousy, then seeing the other guy walk away, is a triumph. And a guaratee for a fantastic blow job.

Agree, but just like being a 'nice guy', this MUST come from a position of confidence/power/dominance, or it will appear very, very weak.

In this position, she initiated the contact, so AMOG-ing the guy would not work. I think the best position would have been to get up and leave, because there is no smooth way to handle that when it's your wife.

 

[speed dawg]

Advertising comes with the intent to execute. The reason I know she had this intent is that she made sure the waiter knew how to "accidentally" bump into her in the future without the restriction of having her husband around.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

We've gotten it nailed to a science.

 

[speed dawg]

I'm curious as to how this one comes out. OP has gone silent, so I'm guessing he didn't like the advice he received and bailed. Sneaky suspicion he will be back.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

I'm curious as to how this one comes out. OP has gone silent, so I'm guessing he didn't like the advice he received and bailed. Sneaky suspicion he will be back.

Most of us need to stop venting and complaining here. Take the knowledge obtained and put it into practice. Dont talk about it. LIVE IT.

 

[Alvafe]

Most of us need to stop venting and complaining here. Take the knowledge obtained and put it into practice. Dont talk about it. LIVE IT.

nope, better to complain and vent here then in RL, this forum is for that the very least, sometimes complaining and venting can lead to some new insight if not from yourself from others