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Urgent Help: Harassment accusation

sosumba

Don Juan
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Hey I need you advice and help very urgently. Please help me out. Any kind of input or advice would be extremely helpful. DM me if you don't want to write something in thread.

I am in a new group of people -25 of them (we know each other about a week) where there is a girl and both of us are in another country than we usually don't reside in, both of us are same age. She has several guys interested in her with one being glued to her basically 80% of the time. We were flirting back and forth for some days. She liked to tell "mean" things about me (like your fashion sucks; telling that a hobo has better fashion or something, that I look like some *insert ugly Hollywood actors name* that has no resemblance to me and stuff like that) but most importantly doing it playfully with a smile looking at my reaction. After that, I told her I will punish her if she behaves badly, with a smile.

  • Next time she told a mean thing. I bite her ass. She reacted positively, with laughter.
  • We were sitting and I had my hand on her lag without her removing it.
  • She massaged my back as well as I did hers.
  • We held hands for like 1 minute in some evening.
  • She told another mean thing. I spanked her butt when I was passing her by. Positive reaction, laughter.

When she was alone in one community/common room and I was just standing at the entrance of the room. She starts telling other mean things. I then went inside, shut the door and made a move cornering her by a wall and tried to kiss and grope her a bit. She asked "what are you doing" as I tried kissing her I said "nothing". Then as I was hugging her she said "no" and broke away and I released her straight away. And she got away. This lasted 5-10 seconds. Then her one orbiter entered the common room asking what I was doing to her. She said "nothing" or gave a vague answer. After that she went to her room with that orbiter and I heard that she was crying (our rooms are close). She then has a call with another male and asked him to meet her outside her room as I was still standing close to her room but not outside her room. Then I decided that it was best to keep distance from everyone and pretend that nothing happened.

About 30-60 min later the organisers of the get-together/group took me aside and said that the girl spoke to them and told "her version of events" and wanted to hear mine. I said I misunderstood her and I would like to apologise to her. They then told me it was better to do it the next day and they will go to speak to her again. Today is that day and I have not seen her yet.

What are you advise here?
 
Last edited:

SammyNfor

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About 30min-60min later the organisers of the get-together/group took me aside and said that the girl spoke to them and told "her version of events" and wanted to hear mine. I said I misunderstood her and I would like to apologise to her. They then told me it was better to do it the next day and they will go to speak to her again.

What are you advise here?
Did you just admit guilt to a bunch of other people?
 

sosumba

Don Juan
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Did you just admit guilt to a bunch of other people?
I admitted that there was a "misunderstanding on my part" and nothing more to 2 organisers. I said "I have nothing more to add to this". I will say that "I am sorry I hurt your feelings" and not that I tried to do something. I will not implicate myself to noone. Looking at how fast rumours spread I will soon assume everyone knows.
 
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BigFoot04

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I admitted that there was a "misunderstanding on my part" and nothing more to 2 organisers. I said "I have nothing more to add to this". I will say that "I am sorry I hurt your feelings" and not that I tried to do something. I will not implicate myself to noone. Looking at how fast rumours spread I will soon assume everyone knows.
what you did sounds like harassment
 

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EyeOnThePrize

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I admitted that there was a "misunderstanding on my part" and nothing more to 2 organisers. I said "I have nothing more to add to this". I will say that "I am sorry I hurt your feelings" and not that I tried to do something. I will not implicate myself to noone. Looking at how fast rumours spread I will soon assume everyone knows.
You're cowing to her playing the victim, and making yourself out to be a huge creep by going back on your actions by wanting to apologize instantly.

You're obviously too wrapped up emotionally to remain logical about the situation, or you're just super green. It's the only way I can explain your instant simp behavior when she freaks out over a misunderstanding.

First of all you shouldn't be cornering women, you shouldn't have to force ANYTHING with someone you've never slept with. You should be able to get a woman dripping wet and pulling at your clothes with nothing but your words and looks. Then these situations are avoided entirely.

Second of all have some backbone. Why do you need to apologize? What do you think you did wrong?

Third, if you weren't getting offended by her belittling you that's good, it's important to not let the things people say stick to us or upset us. If you turned your reaction into a flirt, even better. And if you value her opinion then take note in what she say you lack, she may be trying to help you.

Learn the art of the tease. Charm and then walk away to focus on something to better yourself. This kind of self respect drives women nuts.
 

sosumba

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You're cowing to her playing the victim, and making yourself out to be a huge creep by going back on your actions by wanting to apologize instantly.

You're obviously too wrapped up emotionally to remain logical about the situation, or you're just super green. It's the only way I can explain your instant simp behavior when she freaks out over a misunderstanding.

First of all you shouldn't be cornering women, you shouldn't have to force ANYTHING with someone you've never slept with. You should be able to get a woman dripping wet and pulling at your clothes with nothing but your words and looks. Then these situations are avoided entirely.

Second of all have some backbone. Why do you need to apologize? What do you think you did wrong?

Third, if you weren't getting offended by her belittling you that's good, it's important to not let the things people say stick to us or upset us. If you turned your reaction into a flirt, even better. And if you value her opinion then take note in what she say you lack, she may be trying to help you.

Learn the art of the tease. Charm and then walk away to focus on something to better yourself. This kind of self respect drives women nuts.
Thank you so much for your reply!
Your advice is really helpful to wrapping my mind around this.

I felt I needed to apologise just to get out from this situation. I really don't want to get sued or this coming out to bite me later in my life.

Not sure what to do/say here since I am expected to apologise or express regret for this situation.

Update:
Today this girl is just laying on a mat outside the common house and not participating in any group activities.
 

KirthWGersen

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"When she was alone in one community/common room and I was just standing at the entrance of the room. I then went inside, shut the door and made a move cornering her by a wall and tried to kiss and grope her a bit."

I think I can understand where you were coming from, but with a woman you have not kissed or had sex with yet, this was a high-risk move that could easily be misunderstood. Surely you can see how, if you had misread the signals from her, this would potentially be a scary moment for her?

I would play up the previous physical contact and flirtatiousness and simply say that there was a misunderstanding and you feel terrible that you did something that might have upset her.

If you had taken things more slowly and escalated under more appropriate circumstances, you would have been fine.
 

bat soup

Master Don Juan
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Hey I need you advice and help very urgently. Please help me out. Any kind of input or advice would be extremely helpful. DM me if you don't want to write something in thread.

I am in a new group of people -25 of them (we know each other about a week) where there is a girl and both of us are in another country than we usually don't reside in, both of us are same age. She has several guys interested in her with one being glued to her basically 80% of the time. We were flirting back and forth for some days. She liked to tell "mean" things about me (like your fashion sucks; telling that a hobo has better fashion or something, that I look like some *insert ugly Hollywood actors name* that has no resemblance to me and stuff like that) but most importantly doing it playfully with a smile looking at my reaction. After that, I told her I will punish her if she behaves badly, with a smile.

  • Next time she told a mean thing. I bite her ass. She reacted positively, with laughter.
  • We were sitting and I had my hand on her lag without her removing it.
  • She massaged my back as well as I did hers.
  • We held hands for like 1 minute in some evening.
  • She told another mean thing. I spanked her butt when I was passing her by. Positive reaction, laughter.

When she was alone in one community/common room and I was just standing at the entrance of the room. She starts telling other mean things. I then went inside, shut the door and made a move cornering her by a wall and tried to kiss and grope her a bit. She asked "what are you doing" as I tried kissing her I said "nothing". Then as I was hugging her she said "no" and broke away and I released her straight away. And she got away. This lasted 5-10 seconds. Then her one orbiter entered the common room asking what I was doing to her. She said "nothing" or gave a vague answer. After that she went to her room with that orbiter and I heard that she was crying (our rooms are close). She then has a call with another male and asked him to meet her outside her room as I was still standing close to her room but not outside her room. Then I decided that it was best to keep distance from everyone and pretend that nothing happened.

About 30-60 min later the organisers of the get-together/group took me aside and said that the girl spoke to them and told "her version of events" and wanted to hear mine. I said I misunderstood her and I would like to apologise to her. They then told me it was better to do it the next day and they will go to speak to her again. Today is that day and I have not seen her yet.

What are you advise here?
I'd avoid having any interaction with this girl in future as she's totally toxic.

It sounds like she wants to be an attention whoare and tease guys, but she doesn't like it when things get real.

This is one reason why you should always get a girl alone and get some compliance before escalating. Also, you have to do it in small steps.

I think your mistake was to make a sudden jump from light touching to something much more intense. Before you kiss a girl, she should be alone with you, close and letting you touch her.
 

bat soup

Master Don Juan
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Escalation has to go in stages. For example:

1. Being alone together
2. Sitting/standing close
3. Holding hands
4. Touching her hair
5. Putting your arm around her
6. Kissing her on the cheek
7. Touching her legs
8. Kissing on the mouth

Not:

1. Running across the room and grabbing her by the puss.y
 

EyeOnThePrize

Master Don Juan
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Thank you so much for your reply!
Your advice is really helpful to wrapping my mind around this.

I felt I needed to apologise just to get out from this situation. I really don't want to get sued or this coming out to bite me later in my life.

Not sure what to do/say here since I am expected to apologise or express regret for this situation.

Update:
Today this girl is just laying on a mat outside the common house and not participating in any group activities.
You didn't answer my question. Why do you think you're expected to express regret or apologize? What exactly do you think you did wrong?
 

EyeBRollin

Master Don Juan
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I don’t know why you think any of that behavior is appropriate. As other posters said, you escalate one on one on a date. It has to be a romantic setting where she accepted your date.
 

Modern Man Advice

Master Don Juan
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Hey I need you advice and help very urgently. Please help me out. Any kind of input or advice would be extremely helpful. DM me if you don't want to write something in thread.

I am in a new group of people -25 of them (we know each other about a week) where there is a girl and both of us are in another country than we usually don't reside in, both of us are same age. She has several guys interested in her with one being glued to her basically 80% of the time. We were flirting back and forth for some days. She liked to tell "mean" things about me (like your fashion sucks; telling that a hobo has better fashion or something, that I look like some *insert ugly Hollywood actors name* that has no resemblance to me and stuff like that) but most importantly doing it playfully with a smile looking at my reaction. After that, I told her I will punish her if she behaves badly, with a smile.

  • Next time she told a mean thing. I bite her ass. She reacted positively, with laughter.
  • We were sitting and I had my hand on her lag without her removing it.
  • She massaged my back as well as I did hers.
  • We held hands for like 1 minute in some evening.
  • She told another mean thing. I spanked her butt when I was passing her by. Positive reaction, laughter.

When she was alone in one community/common room and I was just standing at the entrance of the room. She starts telling other mean things. I then went inside, shut the door and made a move cornering her by a wall and tried to kiss and grope her a bit. She asked "what are you doing" as I tried kissing her I said "nothing". Then as I was hugging her she said "no" and broke away and I released her straight away. And she got away. This lasted 5-10 seconds. Then her one orbiter entered the common room asking what I was doing to her. She said "nothing" or gave a vague answer. After that she went to her room with that orbiter and I heard that she was crying (our rooms are close). She then has a call with another male and asked him to meet her outside her room as I was still standing close to her room but not outside her room. Then I decided that it was best to keep distance from everyone and pretend that nothing happened.

About 30-60 min later the organisers of the get-together/group took me aside and said that the girl spoke to them and told "her version of events" and wanted to hear mine. I said I misunderstood her and I would like to apologise to her. They then told me it was better to do it the next day and they will go to speak to her again. Today is that day and I have not seen her yet.

What are you advise here?
First things first, NEVER EVER disclaim a sexual harassment scenario online. ALWAYS seek professional and legal advice. Things like this can get out of hand and we all know how this will end if you end up being legally accused.

Second, even though she reacted "positive", your behavior is can be dimmed as inappropriate. Be careful.

And be careful, specially with girls with lose screws in their heads. Like this one. Which brings me to my last two points:

1) The moment she started bashing on you (being mean), it is the moment you demand respect and set her straight. Do not let a women or anyone for that matter mentally abuse you. Even if it's in a playful way. Value yourself.
2) Take this a lesson and learn how to detect a toxic woman. She clearly is, and you missed the huge red flags. You simply fell into her trap. I wouldn't be surprised if this is her MO. She wanted the attention, you gave it to her for free. And not only that, you put yourself at legal risk.

Hope it works out. And keep us updated.


Modern Man Advice
 

bat soup

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I think the key takeaway is avoid making any sudden moves with women. Anything that could shock or surprise them should be avoided.

Even when a girl does like you, making a sudden move can turn her off.
 

sosumba

Don Juan
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You didn't answer my question. Why do you think you're expected to express regret or apologize? What exactly do you think you did wrong?
I don't know. Just felt like the right thing to do in tve moment. I suppose its conditioning by society that I need to take all responsibility on myself.

UPDATE:
The girl has started to participate in group activities and seems to wait for my action. I ignore her and try to not be in same spaces as her. Looks like she got a support group of 2 other girls that seem to treat me like **** now.
 

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GT40

Senior Don Juan
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You took that too far. Yes it sounds like sexual harassment.
Do you not know how to act around females? You sound very immature.
Check yourself in the mirror.
 

CAPSLOCK BANDIT

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Buddy you are literally the definition of a creep, this isn't going to end well for you
 

bat soup

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I don't know. Just felt like the right thing to do in tve moment. I suppose its conditioning by society that I need to take all responsibility on myself.

UPDATE:
The girl has started to participate in group activities and seems to wait for my action. I ignore her and try to not be in same spaces as her. Looks like she got a support group of 2 other girls that seem to treat me like **** now.
From their point of view it probably looks like you were trying to force yourself on her.
 

sosumba

Don Juan
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I am green as hell around women. The diarrhea has hit the fan in this case me and damaged my social life tremendously.

Guys, if you are going to bash me and tell me I am creep then please, at least, give me feedback on what exactly was creepy in my actions and how I could improve because I won't learn otherwise.
 

sosumba

Don Juan
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UPDATE of **** getting out of hand even more:
She is back participating in group activities. She has been telling her version of events to other people, not sure how many know but I feel how the mood has changed for people around me.

MAJOR EVENT:
During presentation of final group projects she tells that she has made a project of her own and reads a ****ing text of her experiences during this event (without mentioning my name) but addressing me like "you" and her as "I" where she had a trembling voice at times. She said that the guy entering the room was the reason I stopped and didn't mention any of the backstory. I sat through it and later, when I went out from the place and was standing by myself trying to stay collected after the bomb that was just released on me she went out and started joking with one of her diehard fan club friend in front of me making an effort to seem that she had a good time which was quite a bizarre experience in itself.

I have not apologised to her and have not talked to her anymore after that. She wanted to avoid my presence and I matched her actions and ignored her and her fanclub completely. One of the fanclub friends couldn't hold the facade and started talking to me somewhat.

The main girl has now gone back to her country now aswell as me.
 
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