Unusual Oneitis

[no_longer_afc]

Hi guys,

Just thought I'd share this experience with you. Basically I can't get this girl out of my head and it's getting a bit obsessive. I've overcome this in the past though ignoring the girl (not the same chick) and it's worked the last time I had oneitis. This time is different in the sense that although she's physically quite attractive whenever I talk to her she leaves me cold. Considering I feel 'head over heels' about this girl I should be digging her personality too but I can't.

How common is oneitis? Is it usual for a guy to think about a girl so much who he doesn't even know that well? Maybe it's the mystery that adds to the suspense? In addition, one for the college/uni goers amongst us, do you find yourself looking at the HB in class a lot. I often wonder if other guys are doing the same - does the girl literally look around to see all eyes on her?

My conclusion is that I'm experiencing a merely physical attraction - there's no real 'love at first sight' crap going on. I'd like to refine my game a little, see if I notice a different behaviour - I think it can be quite fun actually.

Cheers

 

[Maxtro]

Oneitis based on looks is very common. There is just something about her look that drives you wild. What makes it become oneitis is if you have repeated exposure to her. Oneitis is very common in school and work because you see the girl several times a week for an extended period of time. It's when you go from, "I'd hit that" to "OMG she is so amazing, I want to spend every waking moment with her."

A girls personality doesn't have much to do with your oneitis. But it can make your oneitis stronger if she has a cool personality. No longer is she just sexy she's also really interesting. Then you begin to imagine an actual relationship.

As for me, my oneitis usually develops on the hottest girl in the environment. Then I basically ignore all other girls and just focus on the oneitis. It's a certified way to fail.

Oneitis usually stems from a lack of options. It's sufferers usually aren't going on any dates or getting any pussy. It's not love but it is infatuation.

 

[Poonani Maker]

My oneitis changed me for life. She was a willing accomplice. I still see her on a weekly basis. She still tempts me, and flirts with me, EVEN though she's gotten me into a lot of trouble, though not trouble I can't handle. Whatever she throws at me I will tear down. She makes me a better person all around. I can cry on que now because of her. If someone tells me that his wife died, I can cry right then and there because I have emotional love inside of me. She's inside of me. I am no longer me fully, but half her.

 

[aliasguy]

My oneitis changed me for life. She was a willing accomplice. I still see her on a weekly basis. She still tempts me, and flirts with me, EVEN though she's gotten me into a lot of trouble, though not trouble I can't handle. Whatever she throws at me I will tear down. She makes me a better person all around. I can cry on que now because of her. If someone tells me that his wife died, I can cry right then and there because I have emotional love inside of me. She's inside of me. I am no longer me fully, but half her.

Dude, I thought I had been messed up by a few chicks over the years, but THIS is heavy. I wish you all the best in getting past this. Have you considered talking to someone (like a "professional") about this? It might help. No shame in that.

And, for god's sake, STOP seeing your albatross weekly. I think you should never see nor communicate with her ever again. She's made you not yourself? And half her? Damn.

Damn.

 

[no_longer_afc]

Maxtro, excellent post thanks.

 

[no_longer_afc]

The problem with me is that when I'm given a little bit of encouragement I seem to fall head over heels. This girl has been doing the same degree as me but she just started talking to me this year quite randomly, the first time I spoke to her she nearly slipped over so I thought it would be a good moment to say something as she would be embarassed. Everytime I saw her she'd say hello etc.

I've tried being friendly (made a couple of ****-ups as you may expect) and also tried to be disinterested sometimes by 'ignoring her' like I didn't notice she was there. Yesterday, she walks past me and hits me with her bag I *think* it was on purpose to get my attention but I'm not 100%. I wish I could read womens' thoughts, she could be thinking what a sad bastard or oh **** he's hot.

 

[IceCream]

You're putting the girl on the pedastool is your problem.

The moment you realize she is just a girl, you will learn to not be so attached to any girl. You will be able to point out which ones are worth "falling for" and which ones are a waste of time.

When you don't care, people care that you dont care, when you DO care, people dont care that you care. (And no, im not talking about ACTING like you dont care, im talking about reaching to the point that you literally dont care)

 

[Maxtro]

Yeah when a girl is nice to you it makes it even harder. You begin to think that you have a chance at getting her. This may not apply to you but in my life right now I want validation and attention from women. I know I shouldn't but I can't help it. When the girl I'm infatuated with talks to me and gives me attention it triggers something in my head. It's almost like a drug. I haven't had the chance to really talk to "my girl" in about a week and it's driving me crazy. More so because I know that I will only see her for 3 more class sessions then school's over.

I don't think that being disinterested works. She has to care enough to notice. Would you notice that some fat girl talked to one day in class then didn't talk to you the next? In other words if she didn't really care about you, she won't notice that you haven't talked to her.

Her hitting you with the backpack might have been intentional and it seems like she was expecting a response. It doesn't seem like you gave her one. That would have been a good opening.

Putting a girl on a pedestal is a different thing. That is thinking that the girl is better than you and you have to win her over. You might even think that you are not good enough for you. The way to counter that is to improve your confidence. Then realize that no woman is better than you.

My advice for oneitis sufferers is to make a move on her, and quick. A clear rejection will kill the feelings for her. I'm being stupid by waiting for her to break up with her long distance boyfriend. But even if she was single I think I may have blown my chances.

Anyways good luck.

 

[no_longer_afc]

Yeah when a girl is nice to you it makes it even harder. You begin to think that you have a chance at getting her. This may not apply to you but in my life right now I want validation and attention from women. I know I shouldn't but I can't help it. When the girl I'm infatuated with talks to me and gives me attention it triggers something in my head. It's almost like a drug. I haven't had the chance to really talk to "my girl" in about a week and it's driving me crazy. More so because I know that I will only see her for 3 more class sessions then school's over.

The drug remark is 100% accurate, it makes it seem almost worthwhile, it also makes me melt when it happens.

This is amazing my friend, it's like you read my mind. It's nice to know I'm not that unusual and you've seen it before. I don't have big enough balls to carry out the solution that you indicated, I think ignoring her will do the trick (it did so last time!) The bits I've emboldened are what really struck a chord.

The bag thing I might be analyising, she did see me so I'm not sure.

 

[Fluid]

ye the reason for ur crush is cuz somewhere deep in your mind you think to yourself that you have a chance with her, and the only way to get over it is to approach her. Even if u fail and get rejected, ull know without a doubt nothing is there and get over it..

 

[no_longer_afc]

How did you get over it? Did you go for it with her or ignore her?

 

[no_longer_afc]

Been working over the Xmas holidays and have to admit I'm hardly thinking of the girl. Also, we're no longer in the same class for a subject meaning I'll see less and less of her which will help me get over it.

 

[Poonani Maker]

That's good, no longer. Wish I could say the same. My one I met up with again on Friday, and she she, well, I love her. She's so much like me. When I look in the mirror, I see her eyes, but they're mine.

 

[reset]

Sure, I'll come clean. I don't even care anymore. Someone's going to read this and learn from it.

My last oneitis was a co-worker. Happened over several months. At first, I was hitting it off with another co-worker who was pretty sexy. Then this new girl starts hanging around me. I didn't think she was very cute really. I thought she was kind of geeky. One thing she had going for her was she was extremely intelligent, and we had a lot of the same obscure interests. After awhile I could tell she was into me, but she still didn't really do it for me. We started working very closely together, long nights, she would arrange lunches for to be around me and stuff (I should mention this girl had a bf at the time and was living with him). I started thinking this girl is kind of cool, but whatever, we work together and she's got a bf and everything so just forget about it.

Then one day she said something at lunch that triggered some kind of memory in me and it's like time stopped and I almost fell over. I didn't know what the hell happened to me. Then I started thinking "damn, I kind of like this chick. Too bad she's got the bf though. It would be funny if she dumped him for me, lol."

Cut to several months later and I can still barely think of anyone but her. I fell absolutely nuts over this chick and had dreams of... well you know the fantasies. We both REALLY were into each other hardcore. I started getting absolutely obsessed but did my best to play it cool. She finally left the bf and moved out. It was ON. Like a wuss I told her all my feelings--RIGHT AT THE TIME I should have just hit it. I put this chick so high on a pedestal... wow. SO high on the pedestal. She got fired a few months ago and now she's in another country. And it's just now that I'm starting realize what I put myself through and how backwards my thinking was. I have a lot of anger towards this girl.

And she did plenty of stuff that should have knocked her WAY off the pedestal, early on. I lost it.

Now review the beginning of my post. "I didn't think she was very cute really. I thought she was kind of geeky. One thing she had going for her was she was extremely intelligent, and we had a lot of the same obscure interests. After awhile I could tell she was into me, but she still didn't really do it for me...."

I try to realize that this girl I can't get out of my brain was the same girl I thought was nothing special. It's SO IMPORTANT--SO IMPORTANT-- to never put ANYONE up on a pedestal. Even if you DON'T have other girls you're dating... you still can't put her on the pedestal. Because she's human, she makes mistakes, she can probably be a real bytch... and she is NOT above you.

Things like this happen to show us how out of touch we are with ourselves. Get that passion in your life. Get those goals. Learn to REALLY LIKE who you are.... and you CAN DO THIS STUFF without having girls. Girls are fun. They can be a lot of fun. And you can become close. But they are not ABOVE YOU.

NO PEDESTALS. :kick:

 

[reset]

Good stuff Wolf. I agree with you that it's all psychological. One thing about this word "oneitis" and "afc", yeah, no one wants that shyt or to be like that. But we are freaking human beings. We should NOT be ashamed for feeling what we feel. Is it not-masculine. Yeah. Is it better to not have it? Hell yeah.

But it doesn't help your cause if you walk around thinking "oh my god I'm an AFC and I have oneitis, there's something wrong with me Im just a big AFC." That does NOT help. And I don't think calling other people AFCs out of spite is much help to anyone.

THIS is what happens from growing up in the matrix and not having a solid masculine base to your life. Sometimes you can't find that base until you get really freaking hurt and burned. You may get bitter for awhile, which is normal. But it's crap like this that MAKES you a man... if you can survive it and actually realize what happened and COMMIT yourself to toughening up and to STOP putting women above you. No one is above you.

 

[Poonani Maker]

^ Well, mine was nothing like that. My one is very spontaneous and can banter/take teasing to the nth degree. She's quick-witted, yet dumb blond most of the time, flirting to no end with the best of them. She can adapt better than any little doll I have known. It's like she's mythological - a unicorn, very bizarre and HARD to pin down. Her unboxable persona makes her desirable I think. I think I know who she is, but then I don't. She's like, got a demon in her, like the exorcist - spinning head et al. She's my best friend but at the same time, I can't see her being a good stay-at-home mom which is kinda what I'm looking for. It's VERY hard to find the girl who's cute your light your energy your sunshine while at the same time your workhorse that does all the chores and what you tell her to do! You just can't have it both ways unfortunately.

 

[reset]

Uhm, "mine" was sharp as a tack and could out-debate me any time. I fell for her personality. I just figured since she had such a "cool" personality that she was somehow a good person. Not that she is a bad person. But she did not have all the qualities I assumed she had.

Yours is NOT MYTHOLOGICAL.
She is NOT HARD TO PIN DOWN.
Her unboxable perona makes her desirable TO YOU.
She does NOT HAVE A DEMON INSIDE HER.

She's a HUMAN BEING.

She's your best friend and you're in love with her. That's tough man. I don't know how you could be around her and date other girls. I'm not dating right now but if she was still in my life in some form... I like to think I'd be strong enough to handle that.

 

[Poonani Maker]

She's your best friend and you're in love with her. That's tough man. I don't know how you could be around her and date other girls. I'm not dating right now but if she was still in my life in some form... I like to think I'd be strong enough to handle that.

I know man. I'm terribly afraid that if I were to marry a "traditional" chick, one who's tall elegant, the consummate homemaker wifey who bakes, cleans, and is pretty to boot, buuutttt not EXACTLY My type like my oneitis, then my oneitis, the consummate homewrecker, would begin to lure me into her again just by the fact that I am now married. She would Stoop to such levels because she knows how Hard I fell for her, and to what lengths I've gone to to be near her. She knows my love for her. She has the keys. It's been a long time but I wonder if she still knows how powerful my attraction is to her. I would like to know.

 

[reset]

Wow. You know what you need to do is either cut this girl out of your life or have her be a true friend to you and hook you up with her friends. You're sucked into her vortex. You can't grow as a man and be in this "relationship" with this girl. You're stunting your growth.

Women collect men to feed their ego, like a drug and you are her steady supply. You shouldn't put yourself through this.

Believe me dude, she knows how powerful your attraction is for her. 100% Gurantee that.

You'd probably be surprised at just how MUCH she knows of your attraction to her.

 

[Poonani Maker]

Yeah I know dude. I just need to get on with my life. She's helped me to better myself financially, career-wise - I was doing it for her. Either way, I'm better because of having met and courted her. She plays Way too many games. For years she's been in my head. I just need to get hitched to another woman, but keep my oneitis stored away in the back of my mind because after all, she is my source of strength - motivation if you will. So I'll Use my memory of her, but get on with my life. As long as we see each other until death do us part I'm ok with that even as married to another woman whom I don't view in the same desirous ways.