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Unsure about situation with shy girl after first date

Blackhole105

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I met a girl on OkC a few months ago, and we've been chatting online ever since. We finally met in person about a week ago--we got coffee and spent some time walking around. It was fun, and based on what we said to each other when it was over, it definitely seemed to me that we would meet again.

Anyway, since then I've become somewhat ill, and haven't really been able to leave my house. And it seems like I won't be able to exert myself very hard for at least a few more weeks, meaning I probably won't be able to go on any dates.

Simple enough right? But here's the part of it that confuses me. The girl, who is admittedly shy and lacks dating experience, has not contacted me since our first date. For the first few days after the date all my intuition was telling me that she wanted and was expecting me to ask her out again. But now I'm not so sure. Could I have been wrong in assuming that she liked me?

So I'm wondering, should I tell her that I'm sick, and that's why I haven't asked her out again? Should I wait for her to contact me? Should I just let things sit in silence until I'm healed?
 

The Gambler

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I would contact her to say hello, and tell her what's going on. Others may disagree, but I don't see the need for games or special strategies at this point (based on what you have said). It seems natural that you would be the one to follow up with her, so no worries there in my opinion sir.
 

Greasy Pig

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I agree. Just tell her you've been seriously ill but would really like to see her again.
Maybe joke about it and get her to bring you ice cream or something.

The only problem is that, as an SS guy, if a girl told me she was too sick to hang out, she would have to be very attentive in the lead-up to our next meeting in order for me to believe her.

That's your big hurdle with this chick. She'll probably think you're speaking shyt, so you'll have to maintain communication until you get better but not in an AFC, desperado kind of way.
 
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BeDJ

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Why did it take you so long to schedule a meeting with this OK Cupid girl?

Ever seen a preview of a movie that doesn't come out until months later? When you first saw the preview, you were excited to see it right away, IF YOU WERE INTERESTED. As you do more and more research, you aren't excited to see the movie as much. As a result, before you see the movie, you already know most of the synopsis. The movie doesn't excite you as much anymore, but you have nothing to do on a Friday night.

With all that said, the bigger concern is that she did not contact you after the date. Not even to thank you for a good time. Women who are feminine will text a quick Thank You, not just if they are interested in you. Either that or she is ungrateful. This is your ultimate indicator of interest. If she does not contact you, she is not interested in you. No worries, it happens. We aren't going to attract every woman. Women who are interested in you will make it clear that they are. You can contact her if you wish, but that does not supplement her interest. Rather, it may have the opposite effect.

By not contacting her, you identified her interest level and avoid wasting time in the future.
 

The Gambler

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BeginningDJ said:
With all that said, the bigger concern is that she did not contact you after the date. Not even to thank you for a good time. Women who are feminine will text a quick Thank You, not just if they are interested in you. Either that or she is ungrateful.
Well, or like the OP said, she is SHY. You gotta cut her some slack here and not automatically assume the worst. She may have checked her phone a thousand times looking for a response from Blackhole, and some women (especially shy ones) are waiting for the guy to make the moves.

Considering how many guys here at SS always complain that they can't find a woman who is old-fashioned, submissive and not wh0ring up the town, I think the OP may have found something good here.
 
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BeDJ

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The Gambler said:
Well, or like the OP said, she is SHY. You gotta cut her some slack here and not automatically assume the worst. She may have checked her phone a thousand times looking for a response from Blackhole, and some women (especially shy ones) are waiting for the guy to make the moves.

Considering how many guys here at SS always complain that they can't find a woman who is old-fashioned, submissive and not wh0ring up the town, I think the OP may have found something good here.
The girl saying she is shy and lacks dating experience shouldn't be taken at face value on the first date. Assuming this is true, wouldn't an old fashioned submissive woman at least say thanks for the date? I'm certain that Blackhole treated her to a cup of coffee.

The fear of prematurely nexting a woman is an aspect of the Oneitis mindset. I would suggest the OP has developed it if he has entertained her for months. With said mentality, the fear of dismissing an interested woman far eclipse investing in a woman who is not interested.
 

Harry Wilmington

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Real talk: you have nothing to worry about.

It's the guy's job to make contact after the date when he's ready to set up another date. Many girls have been taught that hitting up the guy first after a date makes them look needy or desperate. In essence, she's letting YOU be the man by waiting for you to call.

Now, if she likes you, she'll wait and be happy whenever you decide to call. If you're sick and can't go out anywhere, hit her up when you feel better. This is actually a GREAT way to test a woman's temperament and level of being understanding. For example:

*If you wait 7 days to call her (i.e during the time you're sick), then hit her up to ask her out - and doesn't question you about why you didn't call her - she's highly interested. Why? 'Cause she doesn't care that you waited so long to hit her up, just that you did.

*If you wait 7 days to call her, then hit her up and she asks you - in a nice way - what took you so long, and you explain to her that you were sick, and she says "Oh, ok" and agrees to go out with you again, she's highly interested. Why? 'Cause she didn't get bent out of shape and was understanding of your reason for waiting 7 days.


*If you wait 7 days to call her, then hit her up and she starts barking at you on the phone - "Why didn't you call me?? You couldn't stop coughing long enough to text me/call me?? - she's either highly interested but has a bad attitude, or she has no interest and is using the situation as an excuse to turn down your date offer. In either case, she has a BAD temperament/level of understanding, and you need to steer clear.

Regardless, don't feel bad about waiting. I usually wait anywhere from 4 to 7 days after going on a first date before I call her again, and the interested ones never mind that I waited that long. In the grand scheme of things, 4 to 7 days isn't a long time, but if she's already tripping about it you definitely want to take notice and get away from her as quickly as you can - otherwise, you'll be dealing with a nag for quite some time...
 

The Gambler

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To BeginningDJ and Harry,

I respect both of you very much and see both points you've made. Harry seems to be closest to my opinion on this one, and I just don't see the downside to calling this gal again. We can try to generalize how women think (and react), but it is just speculation until you find out for yourself. A simple communication with this girl will either end things right there, or keep things going. Which of the two happens will be decided by Blackhole, based on how the communication goes.

This is not a case of a woman playing games with the OP (if that were the case, we'd all tell him to run)... I think this is more of a case of the ball being in his court, and him needing to make the next move.
 
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BeDJ

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The Gambler said:
I just don't see the downside to calling this gal again. We can try to generalize how women think (and react), but it is just speculation until you find out for yourself. A simple communication with this girl will either end things right there, or keep things going. Which of the two happens will be decided by Blackhole, based on how the communication goes.

This is not a case of a woman playing games with the OP (if that were the case, we'd all tell him to run)... I think this is more of a case of the ball being in his court, and him needing to make the next move.
The situation goes far deeper than securing a second date. The OP has been pen-pal'n this woman for months and is rewarded with some coffee and a walk. The crushing realization is that he has Oneitis developing for this woman, being strung along intentionally or unintentionally. The ball has always been in her court from the beginning. If she had any desire to pursue some kind of relationship with the OP, the first date would have occurred much sooner. A prolonged LJBF sort to speak.

Whether or not she is interested is uncertain, however. What's certain is that she is dominating the relationship progression, regardless of her being shy or not. The OP can't negotiate attraction, but he can negotiate the rationale of the situation. Given whatever interest she has, the OP must play a trump card to see what her motives are. Women who want to progress the relationship further will try to progress the relationship further. Again, regardless of any traditional or personality roles.

If she never contacts him again, he will know that there was no genuine interest.

If he reaches out to her, he will continue to entertain the intermediary.
 

asa_don

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She doesn't sound like she is going to contact you anytime soon. Since she hasn't already. I wouldn't say that you're sick because then she might avoid you. She might of not been into you like you thought. She could be shy and feels that you are not into her since you haven't talked to her. Hit her up and talk to her. If you get no answer or she is lukewarm to you then you will know.
 
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BeDJ

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asa_don said:
She doesn't sound like she is going to contact you anytime soon. Since she hasn't already. I wouldn't say that you're sick because then she might avoid you. She might of not been into you like you thought. She could be shy and feels that you are not into her since you haven't talked to her. Hit her up and talk to her. If you get no answer or she is lukewarm to you then you will know.
The problem is she will not tell the OP outright and he will make his own rationalizations.
 
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