Unplugging

[Rollo Tomassi]

I read an article this morning about the 5 stages of grief and how they apply to coming into acceptance of a previously rejected truth. I was curious about how this might apply to an AFC coming to grips with unplugging from the Matrix, so I did a bit of searching and what did I find on my blog roll search but this:

1. Denial – “These game guys are a bunch of clowns, there’s no way this works on women. Women aren't stupid. What a bunch of misogynists.”

2. Anger – “This is ridiculous! Why should I have to jump through all these hoops for women? I just want to be myself. Why couldn’t I have been a natural alpha? I blame my parents/siblings/teachers/God/liberals/feminists/media/society”

3. Bargaining – “Well maybe it does have some good points…but, forget the hot girls, I’ll give it a try if it can help me get around the bases with a plain Jane. Do I have to wear the fuzzy hat and black nail polish?”

4. Depression – “Wow, women really respond to this puffed-up act? And guys spend big bucks on it and wind up with more ass than a toilet seat? And I just joined up for this? The world is sad and so am I…”

5. Acceptance – “Maybe this IS the way things really work. I guess I should give up the gender relations mythology I’ve been holding onto…hey, what do you think of these negs I came up with?”


I get a ton of PMs from members, and read threads about guys with friends or relatives in, or just getting over, horrible relationships and how they've tried to unplug them only to run into stiff resistance. Looking at this process to acceptance it's no wonder why.

So my discussion question for today is this; how did you unplug? Was there some moment of clarity that opened your eyes? Did you go through a process like the one described here? Are you maybe still struggling with a certain phase?

 

[JT7890]

If I'm looking at it honestly I'm mostly in the Acceptance phase but I sometimes drift into the Depression phase and that Depression turns into anger sometimes.

The dating market is just not what it was some years ago. When my parents were growing up (they are both over 60) a girl was SHAMED if she got pregnant out of wedlock. She was kicked out the family, damn near had rocks thrown at her by her family and society. I think she even had to move out of the area and across the country.

Today, MTV and the rest of the media CELEBRATE these women. All of the reality shows and tv shows and songs about single mothers and just glorifying them as if they are some extreme victims of malehood and should be held up as prime examples of integrity and credibility. Please, these women knew their men were pieces of crap for the most part when they met them, it trips me out how alot of women always say, "JT well, I didn't know he was like that, he changed when we got into the relationship." Bullshyt.

So hey, all you can do is accept this shyt. Accept the fact that women's bad behavior is tolerated and glorified, and actually encourages her to be a stuck up chick with no real respect for men or a man's value. Accept the fact that being a reasonably decent guy and treating women with some form of respect in TODAY'S dating market makes you soft lol. Hell every woman I talk to when you ask her, "so what do you like in a guy," no matter if they are white, black, asian, whatever, they all say some form of "I want my man to have a lil bit of thug or gangsta in him." So in other words, they are demanding that every potential suitor have some sort of extreme internal "edge" and then get pissed off when the little boys from their fatherless homes grow up to be thugs and go straight into the prison system.

Accept the fact that the government is the new "daddy" of the household and men are nothing but sperm donors. Alot of women don't even care about the concept of "family" anymore, they just want to pick a guy to make a baby with, kick him out of her life and have the government soak him in mandoratory systematic fvcked up payments to support a "baby" that doesn't in anyway need HALF my fvcking paycheck to support basic needs. She then takes the money and gets her hair done or takes the most rugged thug she could find, moves him in, and my "money" goes towards feeding his a.ss.

So yes, you got to accept this shyt and try to just keep filtering through all of the trash and every now and then you find a decent girl. But the reality of this trashy market sometimes just depresses the fvck out of you and that depression quickly turns to anger and rage over the injustice of it all.

 

[samspade]

If I ever went through five stages, it was rapid-fire. My unplugging was more like a watershed moment, or an epiphany. "Of course!" I think deep down I knew what worked and what didn't, but was willing to lie to myself just as so many others had lied to me. It was like I had this underlying suspicion that I'd never truly articulated, but when I found SS it was confirmed for me, most independently and empirically, I might add.

That's not to say I went from chump to master overnight. Heck, I'm still learning. But like a born again, I quickly accepted the truth into my heart. I certainly engaged in trial and error, suffered now-obvious relapses, and poor execution or even laziness. But once I found the truth, I knew. It never depressed me as it does other men - I found it intoxicating to know that I controlled my destiny.

 

[Razor Sharp]

I find it fitting that your phases are exactly the same as coming to terms with DEATH. Because in reality, that's exactly what happens when you unplug. An innocent, naive part of you dies, along with your perception of how the world works. The same phases of mourning apply.

My awakening came from seeing what a wimp my father was (still is). My mother literally OWNS that man and we look very much a like so it was easy to see myself walking in his path. For years I lived in denial. My dad was always my hero and I emulated him to the fullest. Didn't want to believe he was a chump.

The breaking point was him not rewarding me for good grades like he promised because my mom controls the purse strings (though she hasnt worked in decades) and did not agree with him. That's when the rage set in.

I decided that there was no way in hell I was going to become that man. It was a defining moment for me, seeing a grown man who served his country in war cower before this short lady who won't have sex with him unless he buys her stuff. (I really wish he wouldn't tell me all of this )

After so many years of denial, there was no bargaining phase for me. I went straight from anger to depression because all of a sudden I was living on my own and dealing with the harsh realities of independent adult life.

The acceptance came slowly, with each consecutive visit to my folks house. Each time I would see them interact it was an affirmation that I was on the right path, even though things seemed really difficult at the time.

The whole process took years, but I finally buried the AFC within when I got a job doing something I loved, started to develop a great social life and learned the simple fact that women are just people who I can feel comfortable around.

Haven't looked back since.

 

[Julius_Seizeher]

When I discovered SS at the end of a 5 year fb/ltr deal (depending on who you ask), there was never any rejection or rationalizing or any kind of denial tactics on my part.

Instead, I was slapping my forehead like "DUH! How the **** did I not realize this before?!" In some ways I had, but it was never by choice or rational deduction. It's like I was reading about what I had known in my heart but had no logical, conscious reference to.

Before SS, I was usually able to pin the tail on the donkey, despite the blindfold of ignorance I wore. Now, the blindfold is gone, and I deal with women with eyes wide open.

Thank God (for He led you here) for the discoveries you have made here. Be grateful that you will not suffer the anguish of your fellow men, who go their entire lives without losing that blindfold.

 

[betheman]

Instead, I was slapping my forehead like "DUH! How the **** did I not realize this before?!" In some ways I had, but it was never by choice or rational deduction. It's like I was reading about what I had known in my heart but had no logical, conscious reference to.

so very very true, I think deep down most men know this but we are becoming more and more socially conditioned to conform we are supressing our very masculinity and its lead

 

[Boilermaker]

My awakening was more gangrenous .. I discovered this place (and the PUA community) years ago, but I couldn't afford to swallow the facts back then, because of my committed and honorable relationship .. It was too hard to resist the natural rationalization.

I ignored the facts, pushed them aside, but one part of me always knew something was deeply wrong with my AFC view of women and life ..

My LTR deteriorated over the years and in the end, it almost felt like I lost a limb ... Too bad I had to cut it off with a dull knife like Aron Ralston .. It took years of circling around before I finally "got it".

I still feel the phantom limb. Sometimes I intensely yearn for my good old romantic days with hazy memories .. I was happier though, that's a fact.

I lost that innocence.

 

[st_99]

For me it was due to one specific girl that I was full blown 100% matrixed out for and I was 100% certain I was doing the right thing. I already knew about the anti afc code but thought it just did not apply to this girl.

Well, I was wrong. So I unplugged for good. :kick:

 

[synergy1]

My experience being unplugged with women wasn't like this. To be honest, I knew I sucked and embraced learning how it all really worked. Anyone with half a brain who can use it to observe things knows **** ain't right when you can't get girls. Reading the Bodybuilding thread was a welcome change to my life, and I jumped strait from depression ( lack of game) to happiness ( accepting how it goes). Sure the road was long, but there was never a question that the path to righteousness was the right one.

I'd say the grieving process has been more profound to me with our monetary system and how it works. In college, I didn't really know. It wasn't until I started realizing that no one can get ahead that I started to dig. After being unplugged, really would get depressed reading some of this ****. Sometimes It was so bad, I would have to shut down the web sites and stop reading it. Than I took the view of Sipher who wishes he never knew about it. To my friends, I always tell them I wish I read books about stuffed animals or something. Now, I have accepted it for as it is, but still dislike it immensely. being somewhat powerless leaves me to only worry about my own doings and what to do on the future. This is sufficient for me.

 

[Jitterbug]

Never had to unplug, as I never had the program installed. I grew up in another culture and in my family & extended family, the men are the bosses, and they have the women's respect. Teasing the little ladies is default behaviour.

I'd behave very much alpha-like & natural in a relationship, due to observing the dynamics of those relationships growing up. However, I never got to see how they got into one, and pretty much got into my previous relationships by accident.

Thus I went straight into Acceptance then learning & practicing.

 

[Jitterbug]

This happened to be posted today:

http://www.inmalafide.com/2011/02/04/the-kubler-ross-model-of-game-discovery/

Same 5 stages with a higher word count.

 

[LeftyLoosey]

I was as plugged in as it gets:

- I didn't sleep with anyone until I was in my mid-twenties;
- Married the first girl I slept with;
- Made her mix-tapes and bought her flowers and other gifts often;
- Cried when we would fight, etc... ( I could go on forever);

I always knew there was something wrong with the relationship, especially when the frequency of sex started to fall off even though I was "doing everything right." I had a couple of moments where I broke down and tried to explain to her that my life with her was all a facade and that I wasn't being true to myself... but she would quickly win me over with her tears and within a couple of weeks, any changes we had agreed to in the relationship quickly went out the window, as they were deemed to be consequences of my temporary insanity.

I honestly don't remember if I found this site before or after I got married, but at some point during my marriage I came here to tell my story and seek advice. Even though I was unhappy with my marriage, I distinctly remember trying to defend my relationship as it was being attacked by the other posters. I took some of the advice but I obviously didn't understand it well enough to be able to apply it constructively; things continued to go downhill.

Approximately six months after first posting about my marriage problems, I realized that my relationship wasn't recoverable. Actually, what I had realized was that if I had stuck to my values from the beginning, I never would have gone on a second date with her, let alone married her. There was therefore no point in trying to game her because she wasn't something I wanted.

I broke it off and lost many friends in the process as she convinced everyone I was a monster. It's been a few years now, and I've managed to re-build my life, but it was a long haul through some depressing times. All that being said, we didn't have any kids and I didn't lose a penny in the divorce - I got a second chance at life (we were married less than a year).

Interestingly, even after all that, I still had AFC tendencies with girls I subsequently dated. I like to think that I'm sufficiently self-aware to prevent that from happening again, but probably not without additional practice.

I float between bargaining, depression, and acceptance. My work takes up most of my times these days (probably slightly AFC), but I'd love to be spinning a few plates in the near future. I currently have one booty-call on the go that fits in nicely with my schedule, though I catch myself considering a relationship with her, even though it would definitely not be a good idea.

At the end of all this, my signature (see below) is the most important lesson I've learned.

 

[DropZone3]

Even though I started coming to this site since 2003, it is only recently that I have fully accepted that this is how the world works.
The critical moment for me was after my wife cheated on me.

 

[Jamo]

I have been here since 2005, and I think I have been through all the stages (except bargaining - Im only interested in the hotties ). Though it is still a work in progress (still jump to anger at times) as I need to be more self aware to consistently apply what I have learned.

 

[496 Alcamino]

For me I wasn't just unplugged. I was ripped out of the matrix under heavy load. Then tossed in the dirt with sparks and arc's flying out of me.

Turned out I married a true BP. She never told me of her 2 trips to the looney tank untill about 5 yrs into a 10 year marriage. Said she was "cured" and never saw a need to tell me. Asked me if I tell people how I got over the flu 5 years ago or not? You know, once your "cured" who cares!!

So many times in my marriage I felt things went against my natural grain. Actions I was forced to take to keep the peace. Or advice I was given by friends and so called proffesionals. Just made no sense on so many levels.

I found this site by accident. I verified untold number of thoughts I had. Turns out there were lot's of people who felt the same way. Can't thank this site or it's members enough.

As I read through info here I discovered that before my marriage I was a good 80% DJ on my own. My marriage, listening to others "helpful matrix think advice", and my own willingness to violate my gut feelings created a grand AFC.

I'm 2 years into recovery. Living a totally different and better life. Nothing like I planned or worked for. But rewarding and satisfing to the person who matters most. ME!!!

 

[zekko]

The stages of grief. Interesting take.

Wow, women really respond to this puffed-up act?

Puffed up act? Are you saying guys have to act fake in order to get women?

And guys spend big bucks on it and wind up with more ass than a toilet seat?

Big bucks on what? Pickup gurus?

When I discovered SS at the end of a 5 year fb/ltr deal (depending on who you ask), there was never any rejection or rationalizing or any kind of denial tactics on my part.

Instead, I was slapping my forehead like "DUH! How the **** did I not realize this before?!"

Honestly, by the time you're 28 you should have figured out at least most of this stuff on your own. If not, you're not living a full life and aren't getting enough experience. Heck, some of it you should have figured out in high school. Like you say, you kind of knew it was true in your heart. This place just does a good job of crystalizing it and putting it into words. Expresses it clearly as an idea.

I need to kind of bite my lip on posts like this. Some guys hate the term "alpha". I hate the term "matrix", it just seems so stupid. There is no matrix. I mean yeah, it makes a nice metaphor for social conditioning and the culture we live in. And some guys are horribly naive about women. But there is no matrix, it's just people.

Maybe it's because I had no "awakening experience" coming here. At my age, nothing I have read here really surprised me. A few of the pickup terms confused me (especially as how they applied to someone who wasn't 20-30 years old). But there was very little I hadn't heard before in some form or other.

I don't see how learning a few attraction tips equates to awakening from a matrix. I suppose the matrix part refers more to the true nature of women than anything else. But again, unless you've had very limited experience with the opposite sex, I don't see how you could keep your eyes closed to that.

 

[Colossus]

I need to kind of bite my lip on posts like this. Some guys hate the term "alpha". I hate the term "matrix", it just seems so stupid. There is no matrix. I mean yeah, it makes a nice metaphor for social conditioning and the culture we live in. And some guys are horribly naive about women. But there is no matrix, it's just people.

Word to my man Zekko.

The whole matrix analogy is a good teaching tool, but I think it gets made into more than it is. For a lot of guys it just becomes a big us-vs-them thing. It's kind of a shame that men even need to be taught this stuff, but like you said some guys are horribly naive when it comes to women and relationships. I was one of them. We could blame it on our fathers, feminism, pop culture, and the legal system; and to some extent they are all to blame. But at the end of the day, the onus is on the individual man to learn how to handle himself like a man....and it usually takes some coaching. I think I have a pretty good base to work with, but hell I still make some mistakes. The key is to know when you're getting played (preferably BEFORE you get played), and learning to properly screen women when you date them. Have principles, stick to them. Dont be afraid to pull the plug. Dont be afraid to step on toes from time to time. Most importantly, develop YOURSELF as comprehensively as possible so you that KNOW you are a stud and bring great sh!t to the table.

 

[DMSR76]

I joined the forum a few months after a succession of poorly-ended relationships. Although I found this place to be a great resource on the subject of relationships, I found that it's greatest value for me was serving as a source of confirmation for many ideas that I always felt to be valid, but never really dwelled upon. The only stage mentioned above that I can really identify with is the acceptance stage.

The forum helped me a lot in terms of developing a greater sense of self-worth, but it wasn't until I received a final real-life test that I fully accepted my new outlook on the world. That test came in the form of an interaction with a absolutely gorgeous woman I met a few months after joining the forum. After all I read (and practiced in the field), I was armed with all the tools to be successful in this interaction-- Then calamity struck. In short, I ignored all that I'd learned by caving in and pedestaling the chick while under a haze of infatuation. Predictably, I got taught a very painful lesson when she swiftly rejected me.

I experienced my epiphany almost immediately. The pain of that moment was when it all became clear to me. I emerged from the ruins of that epic failure and journeyed down a path from which I knew I'd never return.

 

[zekko]

The whole matrix analogy is a good teaching tool, but I think it gets made into more than it is.

I think that's what bugs me about it.
I actually envy the guys who have had some sort of epiphany here. Who wouldn't want an epiphany?

I just don't see what the big revelation is.

That you should be ****y funny? I'm always amazed at all the guys around me who aren't in the community who are constantly busting on girls. If you want to stand out in my neighborhood c&f is not the way to do it.

That you should use social proof and make her jealous? High school stuff.

That you shouldn't put her on a pedestal? You can get the same message from watching 40 Year Old Virgin.

That you should have self respect? Common sense.

That getting married is a risk? the divorce rate is common knowledge, as is the fact that women file for most divorces.

There are a lot of good tips here. But I'm not seeing the epiphany.

 

[Tazman]

When I started seeing real world results from imbracing my natural masculinity, I was blown away. That and after trying a few techniques such as push/pull and basically being more "selfish" toward women. It blew my mind, although part of me felt like I've known this but was afraid to act it out.

I hate the term "matrix", it just seems so stupid. There is no matrix. I mean yeah, it makes a nice metaphor for social conditioning and the culture we live in. And some guys are horribly naive about women. But there is no matrix, it's just people.

Seems like a contradictory statement. If you understand the use of the term as a metaphor, why would you then say it's stupid because there is no literal matrix?