understanding neediness.

[sosilky]

I know that neediness is a turn off to women. It makes you look of lower value and weak. The best way to conquer this is spinning plates and focusing on your goals. But isn't there more to it then that? Why exactly is it such a turn off to women? what goes threw there heads when you are acting needy?

I feel like basically what I'm learniing from a this forum is that you have to have evrything in your life on the ball. If not then you will become needy and women wiill leave. So basically women are just fair weather friends? whats gonna happen when the chips are down? shes out? they can't always be up.

 

[Purple-Haze]

I know that neediness is a turn off to women. It makes you look of lower value and weak. The best way to conquer this is spinning plates and focusing on your goals. But isn't there more to it then that? Why exactly is it such a turn off to women? what goes threw there heads when you are acting needy?

I feel like basically what I'm learniing from a this forum is that you have to have evrything in your life on the ball. If not then you will become needy and women wiill leave. So basically women are just fair weather friends? whats gonna happen when the chips are down? shes out? they can't always be up.

For me, neediness means he isn't masculine, he isn't the dominant one. It gives me power I don't want. I do not want to coddle him and tell him it's OK. Of course, I will be there for him when specific events happen that require a shoulder to cry on - but I cannot be with a man who is a professional victim, one who has a sense of entitlement. Nor can I be with one who "needs" me to fulfill him emotionally.

Neediess is a man throws off the male-female balance. I don't like this. I've encountered this in the past and it made me mentally cringe.

Mind you, there is a difference between a man who shows you his sensitive side (once in a while) and one who shows you his weakness (once in a blue moon, and with a purpose) and a needy one.

 

[Mistic]

The best way to conquer this is spinning plates and focusing on your goals.

Just be careful you are not treating the symptoms. Get to the root of your needyness.

But isn't there more to it then that? Why exactly is it such a turn off to women? what goes threw there heads when you are acting needy?

It's not what goes through their heads, it's what they feel instinctually, that you cannot protect them. This stuff is all related to the reptilian brain

I feel like basically what I'm learniing from a this forum is that you have to have evrything in your life on the ball. If not then you will become needy and women wiill leave. So basically women are just fair weather friends? whats gonna happen when the chips are down? shes out? they can't always be up.

Most women are fair whether friends. Nature wants them breeding with the best, and anything less will not due. Funny that they all want to have children, the most needy beings on the planet.

 

[BlakeW5]

To me a needy guy is a guy who needs a women to feel complete, while a non-needy guy just wants a girl to augment and better his life. He's not looking for a replacement for his mother, but rather someone to share his adventure so to speak. There's a difference between being down occasionaly and needing someone to hold your hand and walk you through life.

You don't always have to have everything in your life on point. People stress staying on the ball to remind others how dangerous complacency is. You can falter every now and then but don't knowingly let things in your life go to sh*t without doing something about it. Mainly, always strive to better yourself, you're never going to be perfect but that doesn't mean you should quit trying.

 

[sosilky]

Just be careful you are not treating the symptoms. Get to the root of your needyness.

I think I'm getting to the root. Could you expand on this so I know I'm on the right track?

 

[Mistic]

I think I'm getting to the root. Could you expand on this so I know I'm on the right track?

When you can feel that nothing in your life is lacking, that even if things aren't going totally as you would like, everything is perfect. The good the bad, all the stuff you dont understand, it is exactly as it should be.

When you look for the lesson in difficulties instead of the fix. When you can let go of your desires and just accept everything as it is, you will no longer be needy. In other words, you have to be like a Buddha or a Jesus or a Lao Tzu. Good like right. Only those kind of guys are truly not needy. The rest of us are on the path. So keep walking. That is the lesson. No destination. The neediness will fall like a dead leaf from a tree. Remember, only a ripe fruit falls from the tree. You cannot force the neediness out of you. It's a natural process.

 

[sosilky]

When you can feel that nothing in your life is lacking, that even if things aren't going totally as you would like, everything is perfect. The good the bad, all the stuff you dont understand, it is exactly as it should be.

When you look for the lesson in difficulties instead of the fix. When you can let go of your desires and just accept everything as it is, you will no longer be needy. In other words, you have to be like a Buddha or a Jesus or a Lao Tzu. Good like right. Only those kind of guys are truly not needy. The rest of us are on the path. So keep walking. That is the lesson. No destination. The neediness will fall like a dead leaf from a tree. Remember, only a ripe fruit falls from the tree. You cannot force the neediness out of you. It's a natural process.

so walking the path is what gets to the root?

 

[AlanB]

So basically women are just fair weather friends? whats gonna happen when the chips are down? shes out?

Call me a cynic but yes. I have seen it too many times, in my own experience and with friends and family. I am including supposedly 'nice girls' in this too. I don't even think there is such a thing anymore. The thing you really need for emotional support or help when things aren't going great is friends and/or family. I have had good female friends but even they are more likely to bail when things aren't going well for you, it must just be their instinct.

I had a good female friend at work, someone who it was clear that neither was interested in the other so there was no tension etc. I was having a hard time at work and with money and stuff and had just split up with some girl and one day when we were out, I kind of broke down and spilled my guts to her when she asked what was up with me. She hugged me and made some suggestions about what I should do and offered to help but then after that, she became a bit more cold and distant. Must just be instinct.

What killed one of my previous relationships (a girl I had been with for several years and was living with) was that I got really ill and couldn't do much for a few months. When we split up, it was the guys who came round and made sure that I was busy and having fun and made sure I went out etc.

 

[scottfall]

Yea, my best guy friends have been there for me through thick and thin. They will also help you "man up" in situations where u feel vulnerable and needy. Ive learned that you cant be that way with women, it throws off the male/female dynamic.

 

[reset]

Of course, I will be there for him when specific events happen that require a shoulder to cry on

I'm glad you shared this. Because a lot of guys think that sharing every single insecurity in their lives with the girl (being sensitive, expressing how he feels, the messages he heard growing up) will push her away from him.

It's such a turn off that Purple-Haze even has an almost clinical term for when it's acceptable (specific events).

 

[Mavrick]

I know that neediness is a turn off to women. It makes you look of lower value and weak. The best way to conquer this is spinning plates and focusing on your goals. But isn't there more to it then that? Why exactly is it such a turn off to women? what goes threw there heads when you are acting needy?

I feel like basically what I'm learniing from a this forum is that you have to have evrything in your life on the ball. If not then you will become needy and women wiill leave. So basically women are just fair weather friends? whats gonna happen when the chips are down? shes out? they can't always be up.

Anytime you transfer your power and value over to a woman you are trying to qualify yourself. You are viewed as weak.

 

[Mistic]

so walking the path is what gets to the root?

Total acceptance is what gets to the root.

 

[ready123]

To me a needy guy is a guy who needs a women to feel complete, while a non-needy guy just wants a girl to augment and better his life. He's not looking for a replacement for his mother, but rather someone to share his adventure so to speak. There's a difference between being down occasionaly and needing someone to hold your hand and walk you through life.

You don't always have to have everything in your life on point. People stress staying on the ball to remind others how dangerous complacency is. You can falter every now and then but don't knowingly let things in your life go to sh*t without doing something about it. Mainly, always strive to better yourself, you're never going to be perfect but that doesn't mean you should quit trying.

agree totally. it's also unrealistic for a guy to have EVERYTHING in his life on point - improve yourself but don't hold yourself to unattainable standards. most women are actually fairly tolerant, as long as you distinguish yourself from the typical generic low-value guy

 

[Purple-Haze]

I'm glad you shared this. Because a lot of guys think that sharing every single insecurity in their lives with the girl (being sensitive, expressing how he feels, the messages he heard growing up) will push her away from him.

It's such a turn off that Purple-Haze even has an almost clinical term for when it's acceptable (specific events).

I've experienced needniess at the hands of a man - and to be honest, I hated it. It's one thing to be sensitive and share, another thing to be a victim. You can still be open and honest and share your feelings while maintaining your masculinity and confidence.

I love hearing my bf share stories about his childhood, his goals, and sentiments about those he loves. This is cool. What I don't want to hear is stuff like, "everyone hates me", "my parents didn't love me enough" and all that drivel.

To these needy men, I want to say, "grow up and be a man!" Be your own man. A woman shouldn't have to complete you.

 

[WesCottII]

By the hammer of Thor....

Why must EVERYTHING be broken down?

Is it not enough that neediness turns off women? That should be the end of it as far as you're concerned. As to why, it's the same reason the earth turns, it just does. Accept it and move on.

As for trying to "figure out whats in womens heads", you might as well try to sprout wings from your back and fly to the moon.

 

[Sir I]

SHORTVERSION:

by beeing needy you are expressing insecurities and weakness, everyone has problems of their own, and if a woman has to be the man in the relationship than you are making yourself her Biatch. comprende ?

 

[Luke Skywalker]

Neediness seems to be a default if you have a crush or limerance on someone, or a 'oneitis'. If you don't care about someone, then you cant be vulnerable to them, you just want to know when the next nap time is when you think about them and are thus not needy.

I've had diabolical crushes on some girls (called 'limerance to mean severe crush') and they have always turned out very bad. However, as a satallite orbits a planet, it gains momentum from it's gravitational field to move faster to another planet, I find the same effect with such limerant objects. The rejections/crash & burns from limerant objects often leaves me with lots of energy and determination to pursue other girls where I'd otherwise I'd have a lower energy in normal circumstances and thus less inclined to pursue. It's as though the increased energy, even if you are rejected is transferred to momentum of some sort. Well, guess that's my X-files slant on neediness.

On the other end of the spectrum, if you are dating someone that you are dead about and really have no feelings for, than that too is going to come apart because there is just no juice.

 

[TheCraziestJ]

Sosilky,

Have you ever seen the movie Waiting?

Do you know the character, "Calvin?"

HE is the epitome of 'needy' - though I don't personally feel that 'needy' is the most accurate word to describe what turns women off.

I would say, "insecure."

To answer directly your question, "what turns women off?" I would answer, "insecurity." Haveing you life completely in order helps you feel more secure: you have money, a good body, nice clothes, all these things help you feel more secure about yourself, and that attitude will carry forward without you even realizing it. However, money, a good body, nice clothes, these things are not necessary. Ready123 said it very well, improve yourself. If you are constantly focusing on improvement you will accomplish several things:

First: You will feel confident about each small accomplishment you make - confidence that will carry forward.

Second: you will be spending more time on yourself, and less time on the women that are seeking: this shift in focus is key, as you will in effect no longer "need" the women, but instead need yourself. Hence the problem works to solve itself.

Thirdly: you will be working towards having your life completely on the ball, "self actualization," as Mazlow would say.

So, sosilky, keep working at it, focus your energy more on yourself, and less on others, and things will fall int place naturally.

-TheCraziestJ.

 

[sosilky]

Total acceptance is what gets to the root.

Um...ok acceptance of myself? what?

 

[Mavrick]

Um...ok acceptance of myself? what?

Of yourself and reality. Get a handle on reality. Love what is...