Turning a friend into a lover

Jariel

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I'm used to turning friends into lovers as I meet most of my girlfriends and dates via my social circles and usually start out being friends. So this tip comes from many experiences, some positive, some negative, some observations of other people and some where I've been the converted friend.

When turning a friend into a lover the basic goal is to let her feel what it would be like to be your lover without startling her. Think of the process like a volume slider marked "friend" and "lover". If you suddenly turn it up it's going to shock her and send her running. Explicitly stating your intentions, feelings or hopes, or making any sudden moves on your friend is like turning the volume blaring. She's on the spot, unprepared and uncomfortable, and she's going to flee. Whereas increasing the volume gradually will allow her to grow more accustomed to the changes.

In order to achieve this you need to take subtle steps. Work on getting physically closer to her: put your arm round her from time to time, rest your head on her shoulder, touch her more during conversations and let her sample your physical affection. Talk intimately to her, pay her a few subtle compliments and flirt with her. Take her out on date-like activities, and gradually start treating her more like a girlfriend, until you sense that she's ready for that first kiss. (If you've really built the tension, you may even feel her knees buckle).

The speed at which you progress is down to how she reciprocates. Does she lean into you when you put your arm round her? Does she flirt back? Does she initiate any touching? Above all nothing should feel forced; you should get a natural sense of the tension building. Just be patient and keep your actions subtle and rare enough to leave her wondering if you're really interested or just playing with her. Don't confirm anything!

Now if you're looking for a quick lay with a friend, disregard this tip. It's not going to help. But if you see a friend as a potential longterm lover, this should work to your advantage.
 

green69

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Interesting advice. The only question I have is how you define the term 'friends'? Do you mean actual girls you have been friends with for a number of years? Or do you mean like you meet a friend of a friend kinda thing? If you mean friends of friends, they aren't really YOUR friends...but there is still an implied 'friend zone' to some degree, if you can understand my poor explanation. Either way I think your theory applies to both cases.

I really like the analogy of the volume meter. The benefit of gradually increasing the flirting, touching, etc. does two things 1) gets you two out of the friend zone as much as possible and 2) allows you to judge better whether she is interested or not.

I'm kind of in a bind right now myself. I was originally just gonna ask her out, but I couldn't quite figure out why for some reason it felt off; I haven't raised the volume gradually yet!
 

Jariel

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Originally posted by green69
The only question I have is how you define the term 'friends'? Do you mean actual girls you have been friends with for a number of years?
Well I've known it work on casual acquaintances where you just turn up the flirting as you get to know each other, but also for long term friends and it's like the girl gradually starts to see you in a different way as you get closer.

Good luck with this girl you want to ask out. Hope this advice helps out. :)
 

dyce

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umm i can see this possibly working but im gonna have to field test it

but lets not get confused b/w FRIENDS and being in the FRIEND ZONE
 

Jariel

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Originally posted by dyce
but lets not get confused b/w FRIENDS and being in the FRIEND ZONE
Ah yes, a very good point! If you've been forced into the Friend Zone your best action is to stop pursuing altogether.
 

Hound_of_Love

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Originally posted by Jariel
Ah yes, a very good point! If you've been forced into the Friend Zone your best action is to stop pursuing altogether.
I was in the FriendZone about a year and a half ago - it was intentional at first because I wasn't interested. Then she suddenly started being interesting to me. I fvcked up in an AFC way and we stayed "friends" in the worst possible way.

About 6 months ago I cut her out altogether, no explanations, no nothing. Then I ended up seeing her again unavoidably just a couple of times and she was trying hard for my attention. I'm still avoiding her and she sends the occasional text but a terrible thing happened. A guy that she was into when we were friends has started talking to her. It's ruined all my work because I had the goal to get her into bed just once.

Ah well...them's the breaks...
 

[o_0]

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:)
 

CH4EmitR

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Good advice but with reservations...

I really like your advice, especially the slow and easy approach; however, I have a reservation with this advice for a couple of reasons. First, if you are methodical about things, most women will spot this ploy a mile away and your friendship will crash and burn in a trust explosion. Second, and a situation I've experienced several times, if you build up the expectation in your mind that your friendship is going to ultimately culminate into a relationship, and it doesn't, then you're setting yourself up for failure based on false expectations. I've definitely seen the close girl friend go running at the first sign of anything beyond friendship but do you feel it's better to give some sort of indication that you're interested in moving things a little beyond the friendship line in the sand before proceeding? Or does this infer that there's expectation, which can send them running too? Thanks!
 

ilikecharlene

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I'd agree with the OP in general, but IMO the key is escalation. Make the relationship seem more intimate.
 

drellum

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I pursued a girl a couple of months ago that seemed available. She made it clear from the outset that she didn't want any sexual relationship or emotional attachment so I backed off and didn't push it. Since then she has been a really good friend - Unusual - I haven't really had friends that were girls.
She has introduced me to a couple of other girls too.
I've noticed recently that she is confiding in me and asking advice quite a bit and also being quite sexually suggestive. I wonder if this could be the start of something else?
I wonder if I should alter my approach to her or let it happen naturally.
 

CH4EmitR

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Heed expectations, create opportunity

drellum said:
I've noticed recently that she is confiding in me and asking advice quite a bit and also being quite sexually suggestive. I wonder if this could be the start of something else?
I wonder if I should alter my approach to her or let it happen naturally.
I've had the same situation except she didn't explicitly say she didn't want any emotional attachment or sexual relationship (thus my need to clarify her expectations). I have LOTS of intimate female friend who confide in me, even juicy sexual details, and IMO, they like having a 'safe guy' to go to witih these things. If she's already conveyed her expectations to you, I say SHE has to be the one to make the first move. In line with the discussions in this forum, if you 'innocently' create opportunities to create more intimacy, she may come around and realize things on her own. Lead the horse to water, so to speak, b/c you'll NEVER make a woman drink via your will !
 

drellum

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CH4EmitR said:
I've had the same situation except she didn't explicitly say she didn't want any emotional attachment or sexual relationship (thus my need to clarify her expectations). I have LOTS of intimate female friend who confide in me, even juicy sexual details, and IMO, they like having a 'safe guy' to go to witih these things. If she's already conveyed her expectations to you, I say SHE has to be the one to make the first move. In line with the discussions in this forum, if you 'innocently' create opportunities to create more intimacy, she may come around and realize things on her own. Lead the horse to water, so to speak, b/c you'll NEVER make a woman drink via your will !

Yeah...I won't be making the first move to be honest. I'm not that bothered about instigating anything with her. If she comes on it will be a bonus only. Finding that the dynamic is changing because she is listening to my advice on a few things. It's quite a good learning curve to be honest and something I don't really mind. As i said earlier, I've never really had a girl as a friend but it's working out ok although sometimes it feels like I am in an episode of "Friends"
 

DonJuanabe

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Regardless of how you know her (i.e. went out a few times but it never progressed or she is a friend of someone you know, etc.) what you cannot do is talk to her about being more than friends. Never analyze it, never discuss it. The only way to go about it is to do things with her that make her feel curious/interested in elevating your relationship from friends to more than friends. If you give off any tension or stress about it she will not feel any such desire -- you have to play cool yet slightly push the friendship boundaries without being forceful. She has to feel -- not think -- that you'd make a great more-than-friend.
 

DonJuanabe

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I'll add this: part of what is difficult about this is that you are in a situation where she ultimately determines your relationship with her. If you are too obvious about what you want then she will feel that she has power over you which will make you look weak and she won't want to date you. Imagine if she talks about meeting someone and thinking there might be something with this guy -- if you are her friend you will be happy for her, right? Yet this goes against what you ultimately want. Again, you can't show neediness, you have to play cool and actually be her friend, which means be happy for her, tell her it's awesome she met someone, etc. Of course, you could suggest to her a date that she should hint that this guy take her on, which makes you stand out compared to him if he has not thought of it.
 
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