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Troubled 43 year old virgin(her) - Re-occurring Bad Sexual Memory(Me) & End of relationship

Marble

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Gentlemen help me out. What was up with this woman?


I'm on the road to recovery from a relationship with someone who was troubled. I say troubled because... well I just don't know.
Some of this is very sensitive. But whatever - what a disaster.

I found her online. POF. She was cute like, had a wonderful voice and seemed very intelligent. I thought she was sweet. Honestly, she was. I learned from her what a warm woman was. I was probably 43 at the start and her probably 41. I have had a LTR and other relationships. But, I honestly can say it was different - she was warm. To my surprise for the first time in my life I understood why a man would want to have a child. I knew it was too late then. We sorta talked about it and we had fight about it one night.. A big one. And I didn't talk to her for say 3-4 months. But I did miss her and emailed her to see if she wanted to talk. We reconciled.

When we met I soon learned she had great fear of seeing blood. That if she saw blood she would pass out. I was never able to learn what the cause was, she didn't know or wasn't going to admit it. She did have a rather largish scar on her leg if I remember right had something to do with a car door. I did a deep dive on the subject on the internet, learned a great deal. I found a notable expert in the United States after studying the subject and reached out to him and to my surprise he responded. I told her all about it and how she could help via a psychiatrist and if I remember CBT cognitive behavioural therapy.

I also found she had fits of crying. Like I have never seen before. The worst of which was when we saw a movie by Disney "Born in China". A mother snow leopard died and the fate of 2 cubs was left unknown. It was horrible for her, I kept myself together and consoled her. But I have never seen an adult cry this way. Even my own mothers passing could not compare for me. It did affect me, I saw her trauma as a sign of her humanity. Even now years after the event this hurts in its own way, I never wanted a person to suffer so.

On 3 occasions I experienced this to me strange behaviour. She didn't understand when the person your with stops… You should stop too. The first occasion went like this… We were out at the water front and its started to spit rain. She wanted to get out of the rain I suppose… She did not give an explanation. She started jogging towards the car. Which was a few KM away. I didn't follow this lead. It didn't make sense… and well. She saw I was not jogging and continued anyway. I grew frustrated. When I caught up to her I suggested what if the roles were reversed. What if I jogged off away from her and something was to happen. This happened for a final time when I stopped to look at muscle car in her neighbourhood. I thought it would be nice to get her thoughts on the orange monster, that she indeed wouldn't care for it but her thoughts were of interest I was unfortunately enamored you see. I stopped and she kept going. Around the corner and out of view. I waited. Like a fool I waited I thought she'll come back. She didn't. When I caught up I found her waiting at a stop sign. I was annoyed and made it known. I refused to talk about it. I was aware at this point my investment was most likely sour. (maybe this is nothing I dunno)

She would share her body with me, she showed signs of desire and wanting. I thought we would have a wonderful intimate time together. This was mostly centered around herself and not frequent. I thought she just didn't understand what we could share together. I thought she didn't understand how much desire we have for woman.

She told me she was a virgin. I didn't think she would lie about this. It hurts me to tell you, I think it was true.

I tried tentatively and slowly to show her I felt her happiness was important. But unlike other women she couldn't embrace or give herself to me.

She told me she didn't like oral sex. This is the opposite in what I have been told and have of course experienced. I did not question this. I respected this. I didn't understand and honestly in hind sight this was really unfair. I wanted to light her up.

In an encounter we shared together I joked about myself (not her) getting pregnant. It was a joke, it wasn't thought out it wasn't supposed to have been anything. We were fooling around as they say. She had a kind of break down. I just dunno. She confessed to have a great fear of sperm and in hindsight I think she was trying to say she had a great fear of getting pregnant. It was scary. It was out of place and it was a clear warning something was very wrong… and I rode past the sign a brave and loyal cowboy looking the other way. Worse was to come, and I worry some of whatever her injury was is now with me.

Another time she told me she thought I liked her breasts to much. I've never had a woman tell me this before. Honestly, I like everything about a woman. I thought women were supposed to enjoy men liking them? As mentioned it wasn't like I had free run over the kit. In fact I've felt that women were quite proud of their breasts, one once saying to me proudly. Tell me how good they are?

Soon after the restart of our relationship she received a concussion. I was told she had felt sick and had fallen at her parents place while staying overnight. Upon realizing she was not fairing well I again found myself doing research this time on concussions. Honestly, I became a mini expert and I believe I was able to assist her in getting around at least a initially unreceptive and uninformed medical establishment. She did take it on and I did my best to help. She also started help for BID and as she explained to me problems with anxiety. This wasn't consistent but in time she was recovering at least from the concussion.
Anxiety was a a problem for her, but she didn't seem to tell too much about this.

I don't know how it came about but the conversation about having sex did come. She took the pill after much research, during which I learned some ingredients of pills may cause cancer. It was a little different her getting the pill… Another woman I knew told me the pill gave her headaches, but new ones are better and within a short time, hey!

The time came around. The pill, condoms. I was checked out, she apparently was checked out. (Blood check?). I'm straight edge I wasn't worried about myself. I was a bit confused by her wanting to have a condom for her first time. My first time a long time ago the girl said to me, no condom for you boy your going to experience this. I thought this was part of learning about each other.

And this is what haunts me, gives me a shivers years later. Everything prior in my life has been of a woman welcoming me. That I was somewhere where I was wanted to be. It was her first time and in hindsight it really seems we should have had several long discussions. Discussions about how we felt, how it could be. But, it just had never been difficult before.

She never called me her boy friend or significant other. Unlike other women this didn't come up for her. I thought it wrong. What was she thinking? What did she tell her parents and her friends. I was wise enough for the 2nd go round to keep her from my family - to protect them.

In background to everything going on here her older sister divorced/left her relationship of 20+ years. This was upsetting to her. This gave me wonder to what might have gone on in her family. The BID, the sexual challenge. She told me the sisters husband would have liked to have had children. I saw and learned how much work this man had put into his relationship. So much home renovation and labour. I suspect at the time he was 50 and I can only imagine his loss, much like the end of my LTR although I was much younger 40, not everyone recovers these events at this late age. (me)

So we tried two separate times, it was consensual although only in word.
It was a bit painful for her, we quit very soon into it the first time. I didn't know what to do. She didn't want me. She was no where near as excited as she had been in scenarios where intercourse (me) was not on the table. She lied there, unwelcoming. She was a bit upset. I was confused. I could have held her, I wanted to . But, god forgive me I was hurt by this. There should have been a healthy conversation about this… But in this scenario is seems neither of us had any experience.

The second time was the same. But, this time I was hyper focused on her. And the memory haunts me. She again did not want me. She lied there… like a corpse. I couldn't kiss her, I couldn't look at her. Forgive me when I say she barely opened her legs to me. It was cold. I suggested she move on top, but you can guess the moment was gone.

This haunts me.
It is going to follow me to my grave. I
'll be somewhere and remember this... for no good reason.

Several months later we each failed to call each other one weekend. We talked and she had a crying fit on the phone. For the 1st time I was really angry. I refused to let her come over, it was about time she really communicated with me. I expressed it all poorly. I said she should think about if she wanted a relationship with me and talk in a week. I wanted the childlike crying to stop for once. Come clean.

A week past and she said I didn't kiss her, I didn't hold her hand. I suggested I could do these things… but soon I said shouldn't have to justify myself to her. She agreed. How do you do such things with someone you sense isn't right.

She text'd the following weekend worried about a tornado, she had moved to her basement. I replied I was glad she was safe.

The next weekend she emailed… we had a brief conversation which ended by suggestion we should be friends.
It hurt. It really hurt, I didn't respond.

Guys what the F4CK was wrong with her????
Now I'm online dating again. Its different now, I'm trying not to meet crazy Bs!

T,
 
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bmp2cpm

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Ok…I’ll bite.

1) a 41-year-old female virgin is a woman who has way too many hang ups with s*x to get involved with.

2) all women are crazy to an extent. You need to date women on the low end of crazy. This woman with her life-long hang ups on s*x was high-scale crazy.

The red flag was there all along but you decided to pursue the relationship anyway. I know why, but I think you need to self-reflect on why the biggest dealbreaker for all men was not a dealbreaker for you.

3) You can’t fix any woman ever. However, sometimes you can use their issues to your advantage, especially in long-term relationships. But never try and fix a woman, it will be nothing but hurt.

This woman was, is, and always will be beyond fixing.

Also, the odds of finding a soulmate on POF is ridiculously slim. I do believe you have better odds of being struck by lightning.

Get out and meet people. Meet people in real life. That’s where the odds are forever in your favor.

Good luck!
 

Marble

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Ok…I’ll bite.

1) a 41-year-old female virgin is a woman who has way too many hang ups with s*x to get involved with.

2) all women are crazy to an extent. You need to date women on the low end of crazy. This woman with her life-long hang ups on s*x was high-scale crazy.

The red flag was there all along but you decided to pursue the relationship anyway. I know why, but I think you need to self-reflect on why the biggest dealbreaker for all men was not a dealbreaker for you.

3) You can’t fix any woman ever. However, sometimes you can use their issues to your advantage, especially in long-term relationships. But never try and fix a woman, it will be nothing but hurt.

This woman was, is, and always will be beyond fixing.

Also, the odds of finding a soulmate on POF is ridiculously slim. I do believe you have better odds of being struck by lightning.

Get out and meet people. Meet people in real life. That’s where the odds are forever in your favor.

Good luck!
1 & 2
She was kind, hard working and her family was important to her. She was dedicted in this.
I also thought people wanted to grow and overcome.
Honestly thought I could make any sexual relationship work. Duh!
3
Yeah. At 48 now.... I can't help but think its over. Kinda thought it was over when I was with her too.
I grew up believing some the female empowerment stuff.
Yes I've met many capable hard working women... work is never questioned.
But somehow I never met a woman with real character. Maybe its me.
She once ask me if I thought she would overcome her difficulties.... Dodged the question... It wasn't just her that made me unsure it was the other women who I have met...

The sites are a joke, but there really is no real world now. C0vid, Metoo and my female peers just aren't "actually" very active.... I'll get past the memories...

Thank you.
 

Marble

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Run. Sounds like a nut case. Stop dumpster diving on POF. I honestly didn't even know the site was still around.
They're all the same too. Same women on the same sites.. I guess the men too.
Its such a stupid game.
 

Willie Naylor

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Way too long. Didn't even attempt to read.

I'll second what @RickTheToad said. I've never known a toad to lie.
 

fenix2021

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Bottom line: run because she's unfixable.
That said if you are curious, definitely positively read "The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma" by Bessel van der Kolk. If you are open, you will discover your own personal trauma that is masked by your willingness to bend so backwards to help her.
 

Bokanovsky

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Why would you write such a lengthy and meandering post about something that can be described in three sentences? "Met a girl who was a virgin at 41. Tried to fvck her but she wasn't into it. What do I do now?" The answer, like everyone else said, is to abandon ship before you go down with it.
 

Kotaix

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She sounds like she's rather heavily on the autism spectrum, either that or heavily abused or brought up by a mother who is completely crazy.

I've interacted somewhat sexually with one of my ex's friends who has aspergers and what you're describing sounds a lot like it. I never consumated anything with said chick, them tiddies sure were tempting, but never stick your d!ck in crazy.

Stop being such a wet noodle and suffering because she was so terrible. Forgive yourself and move on.
 

Marble

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Bottom line: run because she's unfixable.
That said if you are curious, definitely positively read "The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma" by Bessel van der Kolk. If you are open, you will discover your own personal trauma that is masked by your willingness to bend so backwards to help her.
Thank you sir got it on audible.

I'll say to bending backwards... I liked her, there was much to her aside from the issues... kindness and heart. Even her troubles were somehow endearing if that makes any sense. I have no problems like the ones she had but my own life hasn't been a picnic. (But I do not complain most certainly must have it worse than me).nn I thought she would see the value in commitment to me at some point and we would be a team. Meh mostly I assume she actually didn't like me...

And well you know how women can get a new man. Take shirt off, shake booty. Next.
I told myself she had found a new guy... This helped me not contact her back again.
Also understand that women have an innate ability to forget previous men... Kinda think this would go double for her.
 
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BackInTheGame78

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Why would anyone be surprised to date a 43 year old virgin and find out she didn't like sex??

And you did a "deep dive" after finding out she had an injury from a car door?

WTF am I reading? This is some really weird stuff OP.
 

bat soup

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To me she sounds like a huge pain in the ass that doesn't like sex.

I think the way you value women is wrong. A woman that is uncooperative should automatically be considered low value. Because she is low value, to you.

In the end she's offering friendship i.e. all the downsides of dealing with her crazy bs, but none of the upside (which would probably be pretty awful anyway).
 

Marble

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Why would anyone be surprised to date a 43 year old virgin and find out she didn't like sex??

And you did a "deep dive" after finding out she had an injury from a car door?

WTF am I reading? This is some really weird stuff OP.
I think you didn
To me she sounds like a huge pain in the ass that doesn't like sex.

I think the way you value women is wrong. A woman that is uncooperative should automatically be considered low value. Because she is low value, to you.

In the end she's offering friendship i.e. all the downsides of dealing with her crazy bs, but none of the upside (which would probably be pretty awful anyway).
I think you missed the part later on where I said I thought she would like sex in time. I don't believe she disliked sex TBH. In the end I didn't know how to handle someone having so much difficulty. Her difficulty affected me too, a great deal.
You have to understand I was very involved with her otherwise... I wanted it to work.

I thought if at some point she would believe in me, believe I was on her side. Thats where I was wrong or a fool.
 
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