Trouble with wife

[penkitten]

Penkitten...

Your husband did a great job explaining you things.


8,000 dollars in ONE year is RIDICULOUS and scary.

ty and yes 8000 is scary for a year.

 

[wayword]

before this conversation, i thought that by paying the monthly payments, it would build my credit up. duh, gullible!

Lol, krist.

I guess we know the answer to this question now...

 

[penkitten]

Lol, krist.

I guess we know the answer to this question now...

wayword, im still not the one that ever charged 8 grand on a credit card.

 

[danny62]

I wish I had hit this board up earlier. The advice from everyone has been great and does make great sense. Also, there is a thread on this board"Keeping your leverage" that also has tons of good stuff. One comment that sticks out is how a guy slowly loses his hold on things and doesn't realize it til its too late. For some dumb reason, I thought my experience wasn't too common. Guess I've been a little naive. I really do feel better after reading these posts and when I talk to her in a few weeks I will be armed- metaphorically of course. She wanted to talk BEFORE I left, but I said I wasn't in the mood and we would talk in a few weeks, so maybe I'm not a total lost cause- right guys? I am shocked at how far I've let this go- I usually have a low tolerance for crap. The bottom line is that things will change or I'm gone for good. I still have my pride- ok, most of it. I still have the personality and humor and not bad looking either, so I know I will come out of this in the black one way or another. If anybody else wants to chime in, feel free- I really appreciate this everyone. Oh yeah, I found out what an AFC is- not good. I don't want to be an AFC no more Mr. Wizard!

 

[penkitten]

Oh yeah, I found out what an AFC is- not good. I don't want to be an AFC no more Mr. Wizard!

for what its worth, i dont think you are an afc, i think you just got in the ta ta trance. (you know, when you tune out things that are coming outta her mouth and just nod your head in order to see the ta tas as much as possible.)

 

[Wyldfire]

Even though my female perspective is rarely appreciated...since I stopped in for the first time in months I will be nice and offer you some help.

It sounds to me as if your wife is doing some therapeutic shopping. A lot of women do this when they are feeling stressed or upset about something. By the sound of her moodiness and disgruntled demeanor it's a pretty safe bet that this is exactly what she's doing.

If you genuinely want to try to salvage the marriage the two of you will need to sit down and try to figure out the source of her stress and find out if you are both willing to commit to working through the problems. The most likely source of the stress is a conflict between her job and other roles she has. It sounds like her job is pretty demanding and stressful and if her way of coping is going out and spending more money than she should that is causing friction in your relationship. That is just adding more stress and thereby leading her to behave even more irresponsible with the money.

First things first...you need to try to avoid conflicts over money as much as you can. I know it's hard because you don't want to go into debt...but in the long run...if you don't work with her to try to reduce the stress rather than add to it by fighting she is not going to get a handle on the therapeutic shopping problem.

Rather than argue, simply ask her to try to think of some things she could do to help her stop overspending. If you do it calmly and using a supportive tone it should help reduce the friction significantly. You can lead and control the situation a lot by choosing to act instead of react....take the lead...and keep your cool.

The excessive spending is as much a stress trigger as it is a stress reliever...so she's stuck in a nasty cycle. She's gotta know everyone is pissed at her, so that is just adding to it all. You have to be the stronger one and step in and stop the cycle...lead her but let her think she solved it herself. That's why you ask her what she thinks she can do. Be as supportive and understanding as you can possibly be...not because you have done anything wrong or because she hasn't screwed up. You haven't done anything wrong and she HAS screwed up. Unfortunately...the worst thing you can do for the situation is point that stuff out. She already knows it anyhow. Just guide her towards a solution and let her come up with it...then she won't be given an excuse to be resentful, angry or back out...because it was her idea.

The most important thing is to remember to stay as calm as possible and lead her without pushing...and if she's willing to work on it this is your best bet for resolving things. Ideally, she should suggest that she no longer use the credit cards except for an emergency and give herself an "allowance" and work hard to pay the cards off asap.

Hope this helps...

Oh...and if she isn't receptive to this then you may as well file for divorce before she puts you in the poor house.

 

[penkitten]

I stopped in for the first time in months .

where have you been??

 

[Wyldfire]

where have you been??

I've been extremely busy...going to school full time and working as a web developer and Administrative Assistant for a local non-profit organization.

Ideally I will eventually be designing and implementing my own free intensive substance abuse program for low income and homeless people...at least that's my plan.

 

[SoCalMike]

that I need to make more money even though I make more money than her

this is the part that shoud concern you most. not only is she running up the bills, she puts the blame on you for not making enough money.

dump her or suffer serious financial problems.

 

[SoCalMike]

Mmm,..hosing down civil rights activists with fire hoses in the south, segregation, a fanatical obsession with the 'red menace", blacklisting Jewish filmmakers as "communist sympathizers", McCarthyism, the Korean conflict,...ah yes the Golden Era of America.

actually, those were the issues caused by people trying to TEAR DOWN traditional white society. they were not PART OF traditional white society.

1950's were infinitely better than the times we live in now, as wayword pointed out: low crime, better standard of living, good family values still mostly intact, women in their place, etc. etc.

now i can't even walk out my front door at night without packing heat. now i can't find a decent woman to marry because of feminism and divorce laws, i can't (or rather refuse) buy a house because it's overpriced, etc etc

don't even try to compare times. today's world is sh*t compared to back then, it's just that many people today have grown to love the smell.

 

[SoCalMike]

Yes, the liberals won...but was this all a good thing? Have they gone too far now?

if by "liberals" you mean all the hippy fools parroting the equality, love, peace BS they didn't win sh*t. they were merely tools used by the power elite - jews and international bankers/corporations - to destroy their own race.

but i can see you know that. you know who caused all this mess by your israel comment. good to see someone else here knows the truth. it gets kinda old sidestepping the issue all the time.

 

[Aaron B]

Problem here is that misandrist divorce laws give her all the leverage here now and you both KNOW it. If you divorce, the man has everything to lose and the woman everything to gain.

Taking away a kiss or whatever isn't going to compare to her taking away half your house and 401K. Get REAL, people! These acts aren't even in the same league!

Marriage then is, by definition, the ultimate AFC act. It's voluntary financial castration.

Depends on the man I guess.

I don't live my life for money. I use money to live my life, but I don't live my life for money. I'm free because you could take everything I own from me and I would be just fine.

Plus my wife is financially dependent on me. So if she divorced me she would have to replace me (with someone else who could support her financially). Additionally, we have very little assets (by choice), so I don't really see what she could do to me there.

The things you own end up owning you. Its just stuff. If you are worried about divorce court, you are messing with the wrong women.

Obviously you can live with a woman and get what you want without being married. I married my wife because she earned the privilege and I wanted her to have that.

But I don't see marriage as "the ultimate AFC act." My first marriage, sure, but not this one. And on those rare occasions that she gets way out of line I have no problem telling her that if she wants me out that door, then just keep doing what she's doing. Because we've both been divorced and in our society the stigma is gone, so divorce will not stop me from dumping her if I need to.

 

[Aaron B]

Rollo:

Great post btw. I need to just go ahead and search for all your posts and read them.

I look up to you and my marriage is going great and I fully plan on it still being that way in 10 years (we got married in July).

 

[SoCalMike]

Originally Posted by wayword
Problem here is that misandrist divorce laws give her all the leverage here now and you both KNOW it. If you divorce, the man has everything to lose and the woman everything to gain.

Taking away a kiss or whatever isn't going to compare to her taking away half your house and 401K. Get REAL, people! These acts aren't even in the same league!

Marriage then is, by definition, the ultimate AFC act. It's voluntary financial castration.

yes this is true all i can say is, be very very careful who you marry. there are some good ones left though, and those are the ones rollo was considering in his post. he was assumming you have a good wife who truly loves you and not some golddigging wh*re. his post contains a lot of wisdom about relationship dynamics and the way women think.

 

[Sir Drinksalot]

actually, those were the issues caused by people trying to TEAR DOWN traditional white society. they were not PART OF traditional white society.

1950's were infinitely better than the times we live in now, as wayword pointed out: low crime, better standard of living, good family values still mostly intact, women in their place, etc. etc.

now i can't even walk out my front door at night without packing heat. now i can't find a decent woman to marry because of feminism and divorce laws, i can't (or rather refuse) buy a house because it's overpriced, etc etc

don't even try to compare times. today's world is sh*t compared to back then, it's just that many people today have grown to love the smell.

[rant]The communists were infiltrating and tearing down traditional white society long before the 50s. They got us involved in 2 world wars. The 50s were when they dealt the death knell. Look what happened in the 60s as proof.

We're left with the ruins of a murdered society. I'd be a FAN of marriage if this were the 50s, because monogamy and "oneitis" was actually rewarded. Feminism and a deranged media ruin today's women since before they learn to speak.

I think another thing that's ruined women is birth control. Our sexual moral compass was always guided by women, because there were serious consequences to fcking around. [/rant]

 

[Wyldfire]

Guys...it's far more complicated than feminism. I'm actually studying Sociology, societies, culture and all that jazz in school right now.

All societies evolve...it's the nature of things. As a society makes new discoveries and inventions, people have to adapt to keep up with it. Feminism is merely a byproduct of how the culture in Western societies has evolved. For women, the need to adapt was clear cut and obvious...so women knew they had to adjust and just went about doing it. Men were also in for a huge change, but it wasn't as clear and obvious. They were already in the workforce, already voted and were civic and politically minded. But men were impacted by the changes women were making...and they were mostly quite resistant to making those adjustments. Women changing wasn't the problem. The real issue is that because men were so resistant to the cultural changes, they fought it. That is when Feminism became a problem. Our sociey has never fully recovered and adjusted to that situation. That's why marriage and relationships are so messed up in our society. As much as you all want to blame everything you don't like on feminism, the fact of the matter is that if the men hadn't tried to stop the natural progression of society, which can't be stopped anyhow, then feminism would not even exist today. A group can't fight by themselves, after all.

I just think it'd be far more productive to focus your energy on finding ways to adjust to the current situation and gain the tools that will help you have a satisfying relationship with yourself and another person instead of complaining about how things have changed. Granted, complaining might feel good while you're doing it, but in the end, it doesn't change your lot in life or make your life better. If anything, it gets you stuck in the mire of negativity which is about the biggest turnoff to other people. Since this site is supposed to be about improving yourself and your situation, blaming and complaining and wanting to live in the past is a complete and total waste of time and energy. Can't you guys do better than that? Don't you WANT to be more productive than that?

 

[Wyldfire]

Wayword, you left me this comment:

Trouble with wife 02-03-2007 04:09 PM wayword Lmao, what a stinking diaperload. Have you not read the rest of this thread? All your rhetoric here is propaganda that has been thoroughly debunked. Feminism IS part of the problem, period. PS - And get a real major.

My major is Social Services for now, and then will be Psychology...and the class I'm referring to is Sociology. Did you know that everyone who thinks Feminism is the cause of all evil is, sociologically speaking, exactly like feminists? You're all Conflict Theorists and are basically just disgruntled people who WANT to be in conflict and fight. You're all poured from the exact same mold. Know who else was a Conflict Theorist? Karl Marx. Yep, that's right...all the anti-feminist guys on here look at society from the same negativity as feminists, radical religious fanatics, socialists and communists. Look it up if you don't believe me....

If there were no such thing as feminism you'd just find something else to blame for your lot in life. Conflict Theorists are perpetual victims...

You have the choice to be happy or to be miserable. You've chosen to be miserable, and it's too bad because it's not going to serve you well.

 

[wayword]

My major is Social Services for now, and then will be Psychology...and the class I'm referring to is Sociology. Did you know that everyone who thinks Feminism is the cause of all evil is, sociologically speaking, exactly like feminists? You're all Conflict Theorists and are basically just disgruntled people who WANT to be in conflict and fight. You're all poured from the exact same mold. Know who else was a Conflict Theorist? Karl Marx. Yep, that's right...all the anti-feminist guys on here look at society from the same negativity as feminists, radical religious fanatics, socialists and communists. Look it up if you don't believe me....

If there were no such thing as feminism you'd just find something else to blame for your lot in life. Conflict Theorists are perpetual victims...

You have the choice to be happy or to be miserable. You've chosen to be miserable, and it's too bad because it's not going to serve you well.

Naturally, you have a flaky liberal arts "social studies" major with no wrong answers. Women gravitate to these fields because it helps them whine for more privileges - and technical math & science majors that can actually be used to build useful technology and civilization for the rest of humanity are too hard.

As usual, you lack independent thinking though and can only regurgitate propaganda spoonfed to you.

So what if I choose to challenge the status quo...as many others have before me? All the greatest men that ever lived, in fact, did so. This is an easy parallel to draw between many movements...but does not mean their ideologies have anything remotely in common. Or by that definition, Jesus, Satan, Tesla, Bruce Lee & Hitler all were in the same boat since they were all "conflict theorists." So, your observation here is frankly, irrelavant. Typical irrational female response.

Your opinions here are worthless, other than to show how worthless your average American woman's opinions are when it comes to free-thinking, free-wheeling, intellectual debate.

Anyhow, I guess I will continue being "miserable" since "conflict theorists" are "obviously" all miserable. Sorry, but all the degrees in the world can't buy you a free, logical mind. Only a factory-made rod & reel can. :crackup:

 

[Wyldfire]

Psychology is Science...which is what my major will be once I finish the 2 year program. Sorry, but I find Psychology far more interesting and demanding than finance or computer programming. Those things bore me. I like to study things that are far more demanding, hence my plan to major in psychology.

Oh yeah...I'm actually an anti-feminist (go read Pook's Feminism on Trial thread and pay close attention to who he quoted most in it...me)...but I'm not bug sheeit crazy radical about it. I argue the issue logically, not emotionally...and I'm intelligent enough to recognize that anyone who blames all their problems on the opposite sex is nothing but a perpetual victim. You make or break your own life, opportunities and lot in life.

 

[wayword]

Psychology is Science...which is what my major will be once I finish the 2 year program. Sorry, but I find Psychology far more interesting and demanding than finance or computer programming. Those things bore me. I like to study things that are far more demanding, hence my plan to major in psychology.

Oh yeah...I'm actually an anti-feminist (go read Pook's Feminism on Trial thread and pay close attention to who he quoted most in it...me)...but I'm not bug sheeit crazy radical about it. I argue the issue logically, not emotionally...and I'm intelligent enough to recognize that anyone who blames all their problems on the opposite sex is nothing but a perpetual victim. You make or break your own life, opportunities and lot in life.

BS - psychology is a "soft" science at best...and a lot of biased propaganda at worst. And since liberal arts are run by liberals - evo-psych and biological determinism are generally taboo and emotionally denied by them in favor of reality as all "social constructs by teh patriarchy." Although science continues to prove the huge impact of evolutionary hardwiring and biology on human development. That's what a lot of the Game is based upon, in fact. The whole game with women here that was never taught in any university, and would probably be banned by feminists there...and yet is what ACTUALLY WORKS in the field.

You are a typical woman who can only handle a soft major (psychology, social studies, anthropology, interior design, etc) - and chose to get one later in life for ego more than anything (just to now say you are "degreed"). You came in here to show off the sparkly new word (conflict theorist) spoonfed to you in your worthless class, and got thoroughly pwned for using it in a meaningless way. Problem is, you lack the critical thinking to do anything more than memorize and repeat whatever you're taught. You can't analyze and appropriately apply it yourself. Which makes you a robotic drone.

Finance and programming are PURE HARD LOGIC. There is NO ROOM for fluffy opinions there. Either your logic was right and the program works, or it doesn't. Of course, when IT or finance then turns out to then be 99% male, feminists will then whine about how that "proves" how *sob* oppressed women are and deserve quotas and special incentives to boost their participation. Has absolutely NOTHING to do with the fact that women simply find such subjects more boring and harder!

And yes, from your posts, you are a feminist. Completely self-absorbed and twist every issue to try to benefit your own female agenda, regardless of the facts.