TL : DR what is “too aggressive” when dealing with a girl? Especially when receiving potentially contradictory experiences/information? Does it mean assertive or potentially illegal?
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Am I a creep?
Nearly a year ago, I got drunk at a bar, “grind” danced this drunk girl , made out with her (let’s call her “Amber”), bought Amber a drink, went to the restroom, came out and Amber’s sister (my friend’s girlfriend, we’ll call her Rene) took Amber away and I didn’t see them again. I had been waiting for this girl to become single a while and I sent her a Facebook friend request which she accepted. Amber lives far away so nothing else happened.
Nine months later my roommate got formally invited by “email” to go to a Christmas party by Rene and I was allowed to come too but I didn’t get an invitation. I’m still in my 20s and I don’t know how “formal” invitations are these days. My roommate said to me in a text message that Amber is off limits then in a later one says something like bring cash for a cab in case I “get lucky.” “Get lucky” is vague it could be with Amber or someone else. Maybe he was trying not to tell me it’s okay to talk to Amber but don’t move too quickly? He said he was more sober than me at the bar earlier this year and said that he agreed with Rene that my dancing was “not dancing” (I wouldn’t call “grinding” dancing either, but everyone else seems to) and I was “too aggressive.” Roommate said “Amber didn’t get a lot of attention in high school so now she’s (he said something like ‘boy crazy’)” and there’s no way he could have known that without Rene telling him. She’s probably a 7-8 out of 10, but maybe she was an “ugly duckling”? If Amber reacted to what I was doing in any type of a bad way I’m pretty sure I would have shrunk away in embarrassment. Amber would not have accepted my Facebook friendship request the next day if she felt I was violating her. Amber’s sister is a lawyer and is also probably a ***** with older sister protective instincts.
At the party when I first walked in she was standing right near the door under the plastic mistletoe and asked, “Do I know you?” with a smile of some kind. I was so freaked out by what my roommate had said before the party and I awkwardly said something like “I think we’ve seen each other before.” I don’t know if she was waiting for me because she really wanted to talk to me not knowing what to say or if she was trying to let it be known from the very beginning “WTF are you? Let’s get something straight- I don’t know you leave me alone.” I ignored Amber the rest of the night pretty much because I don’t want to be ostracized by my friends. Amber was usually across the room talking to other people and my back was usually to her on purpose.
My friend’s bother asked me “Are you going to try to get with Amber tonight?” I said I’m not allowed and because he asked me it means that other people knew something was up. He didn’t ask it in a suspicious or mean way, more like how a bro would ask another bro what his plans were- it seemed matter-of-fact. It’s three brothers, one him, one my friend, and this other brother had apparently has a thing for Amber too. My roommate told me this. I’m not sure if Amber did anything with this brother).
Amber and Rene’s mom came up to me drunk and asked me who I was. She was hot for her age and I made her laugh so that was probably good haha. Did she know what I did? What mom wouldn’t be curious to see the guy that’s interested in her daughter? She didn’t look accusatory, just curious and friendly. I spent most of the night outside by the fire sharing.. something… and I was forced to talk to Amber when I passed it to her. She seemed shy and smiley and I wanted to talk to her but was freaked out. I regret not talking to her because I felt I had done nothing wrong months ago and that there was definitely mutual gut-level attraction and possibly even chemistry between us. I was drunk though and don’t remember much. She lives far away so I don’t see her much so I’m not actively pursuing her. I don’t know if we can even use the word “pursue” when interested in a woman.
Sometimes I wonder if they are right, but even more so I wonder if Rene thinks I’m a player and bad for her sister (she did call me a “p-i-m-p” after hooking up with another girl one night two years ago. She knows of at least two hook ups of mine if not more) and my roommate is jealous of my sometimes success. I feel weird saying this but I am told every 2 - 3 months I’m handsome by someone (excluding parents), I look like a couple of celebrities, and I’ve hooked up with more chicks than any of my peer group (although several have girlfriends) the past three years or so.
Something as fun as hooking up has to have some sort of cost. The news and my experiences are making me question going to bars and hooking up. On one hand I don’t want to be an AFC nice guy and on the other I don’t want to be a creep. I’d like to have a girlfriend but I’m more selective than I was in the past.
Now what?
Lately there’s been a lot of talk in the news about rape, sexual assault, Bill Cosby, UVA, frats, and California’s new law and you can’t be too careful with these things- you don’t want to give a stranger the power to allege you sexually assaulted them.
**********************************************************
Am I a creep?
Nearly a year ago, I got drunk at a bar, “grind” danced this drunk girl , made out with her (let’s call her “Amber”), bought Amber a drink, went to the restroom, came out and Amber’s sister (my friend’s girlfriend, we’ll call her Rene) took Amber away and I didn’t see them again. I had been waiting for this girl to become single a while and I sent her a Facebook friend request which she accepted. Amber lives far away so nothing else happened.
Nine months later my roommate got formally invited by “email” to go to a Christmas party by Rene and I was allowed to come too but I didn’t get an invitation. I’m still in my 20s and I don’t know how “formal” invitations are these days. My roommate said to me in a text message that Amber is off limits then in a later one says something like bring cash for a cab in case I “get lucky.” “Get lucky” is vague it could be with Amber or someone else. Maybe he was trying not to tell me it’s okay to talk to Amber but don’t move too quickly? He said he was more sober than me at the bar earlier this year and said that he agreed with Rene that my dancing was “not dancing” (I wouldn’t call “grinding” dancing either, but everyone else seems to) and I was “too aggressive.” Roommate said “Amber didn’t get a lot of attention in high school so now she’s (he said something like ‘boy crazy’)” and there’s no way he could have known that without Rene telling him. She’s probably a 7-8 out of 10, but maybe she was an “ugly duckling”? If Amber reacted to what I was doing in any type of a bad way I’m pretty sure I would have shrunk away in embarrassment. Amber would not have accepted my Facebook friendship request the next day if she felt I was violating her. Amber’s sister is a lawyer and is also probably a ***** with older sister protective instincts.
At the party when I first walked in she was standing right near the door under the plastic mistletoe and asked, “Do I know you?” with a smile of some kind. I was so freaked out by what my roommate had said before the party and I awkwardly said something like “I think we’ve seen each other before.” I don’t know if she was waiting for me because she really wanted to talk to me not knowing what to say or if she was trying to let it be known from the very beginning “WTF are you? Let’s get something straight- I don’t know you leave me alone.” I ignored Amber the rest of the night pretty much because I don’t want to be ostracized by my friends. Amber was usually across the room talking to other people and my back was usually to her on purpose.
My friend’s bother asked me “Are you going to try to get with Amber tonight?” I said I’m not allowed and because he asked me it means that other people knew something was up. He didn’t ask it in a suspicious or mean way, more like how a bro would ask another bro what his plans were- it seemed matter-of-fact. It’s three brothers, one him, one my friend, and this other brother had apparently has a thing for Amber too. My roommate told me this. I’m not sure if Amber did anything with this brother).
Amber and Rene’s mom came up to me drunk and asked me who I was. She was hot for her age and I made her laugh so that was probably good haha. Did she know what I did? What mom wouldn’t be curious to see the guy that’s interested in her daughter? She didn’t look accusatory, just curious and friendly. I spent most of the night outside by the fire sharing.. something… and I was forced to talk to Amber when I passed it to her. She seemed shy and smiley and I wanted to talk to her but was freaked out. I regret not talking to her because I felt I had done nothing wrong months ago and that there was definitely mutual gut-level attraction and possibly even chemistry between us. I was drunk though and don’t remember much. She lives far away so I don’t see her much so I’m not actively pursuing her. I don’t know if we can even use the word “pursue” when interested in a woman.
Sometimes I wonder if they are right, but even more so I wonder if Rene thinks I’m a player and bad for her sister (she did call me a “p-i-m-p” after hooking up with another girl one night two years ago. She knows of at least two hook ups of mine if not more) and my roommate is jealous of my sometimes success. I feel weird saying this but I am told every 2 - 3 months I’m handsome by someone (excluding parents), I look like a couple of celebrities, and I’ve hooked up with more chicks than any of my peer group (although several have girlfriends) the past three years or so.
Something as fun as hooking up has to have some sort of cost. The news and my experiences are making me question going to bars and hooking up. On one hand I don’t want to be an AFC nice guy and on the other I don’t want to be a creep. I’d like to have a girlfriend but I’m more selective than I was in the past.
Now what?
Lately there’s been a lot of talk in the news about rape, sexual assault, Bill Cosby, UVA, frats, and California’s new law and you can’t be too careful with these things- you don’t want to give a stranger the power to allege you sexually assaulted them.
