To the Don Juans who have no fear of the approach

[D97]

How?

How do you do it?

Yes I know. I have to just DO IT. Philosophers have spoken and authors have written, yet the only proven method of conquering fear - breaking through that barrier - is to force yourself in to the situation, and keep doing it until the fear is gone.

The question is :Is there any other way? Anything to help?

What has helped you? What did you do to gain confidence, raise your self-esteem and get the motivation - the oomph - to just start talking, and # close.

Feedback welcomed.

 

[syemour]

Living my life in fear is not something I want to do. Basically everynight before I go to bed I have a recap of what I did in that day's activities...and I my thoughts when I get to "I shoulda done this" or "I shoulda done that," doesnt feel too well. It keeps me up at night. So basically I just change my behaviour.

 

[SexPDX]

As someone who has done countless approaches over the last five years since I got started in the game, I can tell you that I am still a little bit nervous about cold approaches. I just learned to cope with it and do it. And it isn't just about doing it, it's about doing it AGAIN and AGAIN.

Maybe it's different for some people, but in my experience approach anxiety never goes away. The only thing that changes is your own ability to manage what you feel. So get used to it, and start approaching, and most importantly....DON'T STOP DOING IT.

-PDX

 

[WhitePimp]

I was nervous as **** when I first started. One trick I used to get myself to be more outgoing was to literally set a goal for myself every single day and make sure I do that goal no matter what. I started out real simple and easy like looking at a bunch of porn and making sure I don't masturbate. Then after a few days of whatever I'd go out on a bike ride and make sure I say hi to 5 completely random people even if they werent even looking at me. The next goal would be to start a random conversation with 3 people, etc. Basically just stupid mind tricks to gradually build myself up into doing whatever I basically want.

As for approaching girls, I still can't do completely cold approaches well. I usually wait for at least a show of interest from them and then I go right and start my thing. I have yet to just go to some completely uninterested person and try to get something out of it(doesnt seem worth my time). But I'm sure one of my future goals will to be just to walk up to 5 random chicks and ask them out, not even worrying if I actually get their number or not.

I'm slowly starting to eliminate fear all because of this goal system of forcing myself to do what my brain(and occasionally penis) tells me to do. I'm still working on it but before this system I couldnt approach even girls who were interested, and now I'm getting numbers from people I've only talked to for 5 minutes

 

[Six-String Samurai]

It's a combination of things for me. I am fascinated by the idea of fear over something social, despite the fact that the worst situation involves only a little embarassment.

Eventually, however, it was a song that did it for me. I am a musician myself (and not just as a hobby either... I'm a music major and I intern in a professional recording studio) and so I really relate to music the best out of all forms of art. The song in question was Tool's "Lateralus". Here's a sample:

Overthinking, overanalyzing
Separates the body from the mind
Withering my intuition
Missing opportunities
And I must
Feed my will to feel this moment
Pushing me across the line

I draw a lot of inspiration from art, and you may not, but that's a large part of my motivation. I just realized that life is only so long, and being held back by **** like this is so stupid in the grand scheme of things. Good luck man...

 

[gav]

i agree with what sexpdx said. the excitement never goes away with some people; it's just the ability to control it that improves

sixstring, i get a lot of inspiration from music too, and i'm downloading that one just now

i get a lot of power from HIM's "the path", as in my signature

 

[bootlegger]

I still haven't even started cold approaches.

But what is easier, is (and this is how I'm breaking myself in)... When you get the smile from the girl, smile back... Then when she looks away, then back into your eyes.... Start talking.

It's so much easier, than just walking up to some girl who wasn't looking at you, b/c hey you know the reason she looked at you twice and smiled.

 

[Duke]

I've been opening girls like crazy since college started. If you have a common ground, such as a classroom, then it's a lot easier. You just make up something like "Let me get your number so that we can study together."

If you're in a social circle with a girl, it's easy, too. Just ask her for her number so that the two of you can hang sometime.

Cold approaches.... I actually did my very first ice cold approach two days ago. I was walking around my college campus, and I saw a lone hot girl messing around with her phone... She was leaning against a rail, and she looked friendly to me. I felt my stomach turning inside me, because I didn't have any idea what to say.

I just went up and said "Hey." Then we talked about our classes, where we're from, blah blah. Just say "hey." The conversation will take care of itself, TRUST ME. In the beginning, your conversation might be a little bland, but just go with it until you get less nervous approaching. In this case, I started to walk away and said "If I don't get your number, I'll probably never see you again."

So she gave it to me no problem.

The funny thing is that the girl was very giggly, smiling, and HAPPY that I approached her and shattered her glass cage of boredom. They WANT you to approach, but it is YOUR job, since you are the man. That's just the way it is, so deal with it, and make the system work for you. Listen to your sexual drive. When you KNOW that you want to fukk a girl, let your drive CARRY YOU. If you can't even so much as say "Hey" to a girl, then you will never fukk her. If you get past that hurtle and make her feel comfortable and you ASSUME VERBAL RAPPORT (thanks GW), then you've just broken a huge barrier to her puzzy.

Above all take chances. You miss 100% of the shots you don't take!! Read that again! One more time. Ok one more time. YOU MISS 100% OF THE SHOTS YOU DON'T TAKE. You cannot really fail if you approach. You have absolutely nothing to lose but some pride. And only losers and people who die in Greek poetry are excessively prideful If you are still afraid of approaching, then realize your ego is trying to starve your penis. Are you going to let your EGO do that?

GET MAD. FUKK YOUR FUKKIN EGO. Your penis deserves to be sticking chicks. You're going to let something abstract and stupid like EGO prevent you from gaining something TANGIBLE, like puzzy?

KILL YOUR VANITY. It's standing in the way of ass. Kill it and approach.

I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.
-Michael Jordan

 

[Grey Fox]

Experience and time on the only things that really help cut down on the fear/ adrenaline rush/ excitement...whatever you want to call it.

When I first started out I used to make a game of it, I actually scored a rejection as a point. I'd set a score and then try to break it. Lemme tell you when I started out I had little game I'd do dumb stuff like asking a girl who was already dancing if she wanted to dance, or if she already had a drink if she wanted to get one with me. Naturally I racked up a decent score of rejections the first couple of times I did it. Then I would make myself look forward to trying to beat that score, however that got difficult as time went by. Sometimes I wondered if I would ever make such I high score again looking down at the girl I was with at the club. Which made me smile of course because its been something of a personal joke to me ever since.
I admit I still get a rush from the initial approach but I understand it and now look forward to it, excitement is part of the game. I just let my DJ skills take over and thats good enough to get a smile, a laugh, and a number with most girls these days.

-Grey Fox

 

[Walden]

The things that I've found effective.

Self Hypnosis.
The idiots guide is a really dumbed down version that i sgood enough for a beginner.

Mental rehearsal.
Every morning when I woke up and evening before I went to sleep I listened to a mix tape of 4 songs that put me in an outgoing, fun confident mood.
(Eg Geto Boys - D@mn it feels good to be a gangster, De La's - Oooh, DMX's -X gonna give it to you and Sinatra's - Meet me at the Copa). While I listebned I made a music video in my head of myself DJing , making good cold openings, moving for the close , and occasionally f*** closing.


See the mind doesn't think "What should I do now" or "what is best for me here" I thinks "What do I usually do in this situation and directs you to do that.

As a baby DJ you usually wuss out.

Fortunately your mind can't tell ebtween imagination and reality , so oyu can use this quirk to reprogram what you "usually" do.

The other thing is go read the interviews with Doc and Steve piccus on www.cliffslist.com print them ut and read them every day until, you live by them.

Actaully doing it

Go out and practice set youself real measurable goals. 3 CAs and 2 closes a week or something. Just so that your mind knows what to lead you to.


Good luck and good hunting.

 

[Valdez]

Listen...

You know what, I went to a party where I knew just about no one...I ended up bringing my own crew so I can relax with while I pick my approaches...I got more numbers than I even feel like counting right now...but you know what...I stroke out more times than that. Do I even care? Not at all. Most of these girls I will probably never see again. I played it differently to each girl...I tried different types of approaches. To some girls I approached her friends first before talking to them, some were straight up cold...others came up to me. You just have to come to the point that the guys who get the most chicks usually are the ones that strike out the most...its just that the fact that they are talking and being with chicks that make a person not see a person for the times he/she stroke out.

I'm a lil thrown, but i'm sure I got my point across

 

[D97]

Great responses so far.

I'm keeping a record of all of this and compiling notes on fear - this seems to be an area I underestimated.

Anyone else?

 

[Heizen]

Fear? Used to have it, now its pretty much gone.

I use a mantra I have, from a Doaist document.

Qing Jin Wei Tian Xia Zheng

When the mind is silent and still, everything falls into place.

Stop thinking about the approach so much! Let your mind fall silent and just walk up to the girl. Just go up and start with a simple Hi. This works better then any line I have tried thus far, and works 95% of the time if you get some kind of eye contact from the girls first.

The fear went away pretty much instantly, and was gone forever once me and my friend started to turn it into a game. Who wins at a game? The one who wants to sit on the sideline? Nah, the one that gets his ass OUT and plays the game the best.

I am still nervous when I do cold approaches, but fear is a MUCH different being then nervousness.

 

[Walden]

Heizen I am fascinated by this idea.
All the sports psychology I've studied , and a ot of my martial arts training pooints exactly to that.

Yet I find in high pressure situations my mind tends to go back to it's reflexive patterned ways of behaving (hence the need to reprogram those, which is effetcive but feels like second best practice).

[NLP'ers take note here].

What do you do when you make your mind go blank like that ?

 

[Valdez]

You act, rather than react.

To put in other words...you are taking charge.

 

[Heizen]

Originally posted by Walden
Heizen I am fascinated by this idea.
All the sports psychology I've studied , and a ot of my martial arts training pooints exactly to that.

Yet I find in high pressure situations my mind tends to go back to it's reflexive patterned ways of behaving (hence the need to reprogram those, which is effetcive but feels like second best practice).

[NLP'ers take note here].

What do you do when you make your mind go blank like that ?

I just go. Its hard to explain, I am only focused on my goal at the time, yet I am relaxed. You look over at your mark one more time after some EC, take a deep breath, and go. Every now and then I will say my mantra before I go and just act.

As for what you said about what happens to you, I used to think that way, but to tell you the truth meditation let me learn to silence my thoughts and just act. Thats why that phrase is my mantra, its what I use during meditation.

Think what you want of it, but it works

Edit: Now that I think about it, I remember something.

When you learn to just act, it is because your subconcious takes control, and your active conciousness just sits back. The active is what causes you doubts, the sub is what often times knows how to do things better then YOU do. Thats why matrial artists will often just go into almost a trance, because they just let their subconcious act instead of really thinking.

Its a weird concept to think about.

 

[TheNonPedant]

I will tell you how i got over my fear of approaching.

I was rejected so many times....probably over 50 times...but kept doing it anyway.

Thing is when I get rejected, I change my approach next time...always improving. Now approaching has gotten much smoother.

Practice makes perfect

 

[Heizen]

Originally posted by TheNonPedant

Practice makes perfect

perfect practice makes perfect

 

[CLOONEY]

The thing most people get confused with in everything in life, is they confuse nervousness with excitement. I dont get nervous when I approach, that weird feeling you get before an approach is excitement, ENJOY IT!!

 

[Centy]

i just use the two second rule. if i see a girl i like, i just approach her within two seconds of seeing her. it works great.